To say I’ve been wallowing in despair recently would be a giant understatement. I was more than wallowing, I was drowning, with pretty much nothing in this world to bring me any peace.

Okay, that was a little dramatic, I’ll admit. What can I say? When I’m sad, I get dramatic.

But I also get to working. I’m not the kind of person who lets myself wallow in unhappiness. I gave myself a week to mope, and then I had to jump back into life full force.

I wasn’t able to wait any longer than that even if I’d wanted to, though. Because I had a shit ton to do. It was a busy week at work, and it was the end of my lease this month, so I had to figure out what I was going about that.

Originally, I’d planned to just go down the leasing office and resign for another year, but after the break up, I thought this might be exactly the change I needed.

This apartment had been depressing me. I’d been here two years, and it was full of memories of my past that I no longer had anymore. It was like living with ghosts of my former self, especially after ending things with Grady.

Besides, I’d gotten several raises in the time I’d lived here. I could afford something nicer, more modern.

And it was the perfect distraction. Moving was a lot of work. Usually a lot of work that my lazy ass did not want, but, of course, now was different. Now, I’d love to be preoccupied with looking at places and packing, if it kept me from thinking about Grady.

Which I did pretty much all the time. Every night and day.

We didn’t talk, which was my choice. I know if I ever tried to get ahold of him, he’d gladly talk to me, but I didn’t want to do that. I had to go no-contact if I was ever going to get over him.

It was just going to be too hard to keep in contact and watch him move on with someone who wasn’t me. Not just move on, but actually have a child with someone else.

Fuck.

The idea still nauseated me. He was having a kid with someone else. I know it’s not really his fault, and it’d happened before we were together, but that did not help me get over it in the slightest.

I just hated that he was ending our relationship over this. A kid, I could have dealt with. It would have been different than I had imagined our future, but it would have been doable. I would have survived. But this, I feel like I can’t survive.

I know I will, though. Break ups feel so overwhelming, but, ultimately, they’re something that all of us have to deal with at one time or another. This was my time.

It was just so difficult, because my feelings for him were so damn strong. Stronger than they had ever been for anyone else. And we’d only been together for several months… I can’t imagine how awful this would’ve felt if we’d spent years together.

I was sitting on my couch, trying to distract myself with apartment ads, when I heard a knock at the door.

I had a package I was expecting, so I begrudgingly got up to open it, even though I had just found the cutest little two-bedroom apartment downtown.

When I did open it, I was stunned to see that it wasn’t the delivery driver that was standing in front of me.

It was Grady.

My jaw dropped when I saw him, and, then, wordlessly, I began to shut the door in his face.

But he stuck his foot inside at the last second, blocking me.

“Look, Ben, can we please just talk?” he asked, sounding desperate.

“Are you coming to tell me that you changed your mind?” I asked.

“Well, not exactly…” he admitted.

“Then, no, goodbye, Grady,” I said coldly.

“But I am having doubts!” he said quickly. “Please, Ben…”

I sighed as I stepped away from the door. “You have five minutes. That is all, Grady. I mean it.”

He walked in and gave me a soft smile before grabbing my hand.

“Don’t,” I told him, “no touching.”

“I’m sorry…” he said softly. “I’ve just missed you. And you have no idea how much.”

I could see he was just as sad as I had been, but I gave him no sympathy. This was his choice, through and through. He had to live with the decision that he’d made. And if that decision brought him pain, it was on him.

Unlike me, who did not decide this and still had to suffer through the same amount of pain.

“So, how’s life with your new girlfriend?” I asked. “Or, is it wife now? I mean, why not commit to marriage, right? You’ve already got a baby on the way.”

I could see tears well up in the corners of his eyes. “Ben, it’s awful. It’s truly horrible. The past few weeks with her instead of you… it’s worse than I’d imagined.”

I turned to him. “Really?” I asked, a little softer this time.

“Really. I’m trying so hard to make it work, but it’s impossible, because every time I so much as look at her, I see you. I want you. I want you to be the one I’m having a child with. I want you to be the one I’m going on dates with. I thought that, eventually, she’d grow on me after we spent time together. But that’s not what is happening at all.”

“And what is happening, exactly?” I felt bad asking for all the horrible details, but it made me feel better knowing he did not love this girl in any way.

“Well, nothing, really. That’s the problem. Nothing happens between us. At lest, I feel nothing between us. We go on dates, and it’s just like… it’s nothing. I literally feel nothing. I look at her, and I just want to leave. Every single date, every single time we hang out, I’m itching to head out the door. It’s so wrong, because she really seems to like me.”

That part, I didn’t like hearing so much. “She does?”

“Yeah. She seems really into this whole thing, getting to know each other before the baby comes. But, it’s only been two weeks, and I already feel so suffocated. Not so much by the baby, just… by her. The baby, I can live with. Her, I want to live without.”

That was music to my ears. It’s what I’d thought from the very beginning. That he can have a baby and doesn’t need to be with her to do it.

Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around him. “Grady, baby, I’m so sorry this parenting thing isn’t working out the way you’d planned.”

But I mostly wasn't sorry. I was mostly glad that he’d realized it only two weeks into dating this woman instead of months or years later. I was glad he had come to his senses, and we were finally going to get the chance to live life the way we wanted.

“You know, I never had a problem with you having a baby,” I told him.

“You didn’t?” he asked.

“Not at all! Even when you initially told me, I was prepared to be the most supportive stepfather ever. I’d do anything to help you out, you should know that.”

He nodded. “I do, I really do. That’s why I love you so dearly, and why I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you, too,” I told him.

“I just don’t think I can do this without you,” he said. "I really do need the support, you know? I need someone to walk me through this.”

“And I’ll be that person for you,” I told him, a warmth filling me from the inside, knowing that this was all going to be resolved.

“Really?!” he asked excitedly. "You will?!”

“Of course!” I told him, equally excitedly.

“Wow, I didn't think you’d agree to help me. I mean, last time I came here, you were completely against the idea. What changed your mind?”

I pulled away from the hug when I realized we were not on the same page at all.

"What do you mean, I was against the idea? I was never against the idea of us being together, it was what I wanted from the start… what do you mean ‘what changed my mind?’”

He froze up. “Uh, but I thought…”

“What exactly is it you’re asking for here, Grady? Are you asking me to take you back? Are you hoping I’ll be the stepfather to your baby?”

“Well, no, I wasn’t…”

God, he got me again.

I turned away from him. “Grady, go.”

“Ben, I just need you in my life still. I thought you could be my friend, you could help me with things still, you know? It doesn’t have to be like this. We don’t have to be this shut off from each other.”

“God, I can’t believe you!” I yelled at him. “That’s all you came here for?! In hopes I’d be your friend? In hopes I’d put my feelings aside for you?! Do you even realize how selfish you sound?”

He started tearing up again. “I do, I really do, but I’m just desperate. I’m so unhappy.”

“Then leave her!” I snapped. “If I am the answer to your unhappiness, as I seem to be, then leave the fucking woman!”

“I can’t!” he argued. “We’re having a baby together. We’ve got the first ultrasound this week, and she’s so excited…”

“Oh, is she?” I said in a sarcastic tone. “Well, I’m so happy for her. So happy for you. You just go ahead and enjoy your life with her then, Grady. And say goodbye to me in the process, will ya?”

“I don’t want to…” he said softly.

“Well, you’re going to have to. And you’re going to have to get the fuck out of my apartment. And don’t ever come back here unless you’ve actually changed your fucking mind.”

I didn’t bother to add that it wouldn’t matter if he came back here or not, because my ass was moving. I’m getting out of here. And it really didn’t matter if I told him that, because we were never going to get back together.

He looked up at me. “I’m sorry to bother you, Ben. I knew I was being selfish, but I came anyway, because I thought maybe during the time apart you would have felt like I did. I thought maybe you’d want to be around me again, too.”

“I don’t,” I said coldly, as I walked over to the front door, “now leave.”

He didn’t say another word. Dejected, he walked over to the door and left.

I slammed it behind him.

I was absolutely fuming from the second he left. Really, honestly fuming.

I just could not believe that he would come here and get my hopes up. God, what a fucking ass.

I got back on my computer and began hunting for places to live once again. I was even more determined now. I wanted something to do. I wanted to move immediately, just to be able to get my mind off of this.

And, then, I saw the perfect place that was move-in ready. I could be in there by the end of the week if I liked the place.

I emailed the property manager and scheduled a walk-through for the morning. I prayed it would go well, that I’d love the place, and I’d be able to move in immediately. Anything to get my mind off Grady.

How can I hate that man so much and still love him so deeply?