Well, that went about as well as I had expected. 

All the guilt and shame that I’d been harboring for years washed over me. He was right. I should’ve just came to him. I shouldn’t have been sneaking off to my car and ignoring the fact that his damn gym was right next to the ice cream shop. 

But I really was scared and I really had wanted to see him. More than he knew. I missed him more than I’d missed anyone in my life. Well, almost more than anyone… 

I had no idea how he’d react though. I didn’t think he would just be friendly and let the whole thing go. I didn’t think that me, him, and Tyler might be able to actually rekindle our friendship. Maybe if I had known that was a possibility, I would’ve acted differently. 

But, no, I wouldn’t have. Because it wouldn’t have happened like that. Sure, Gage can say it would have after the fact. He can pretend like he’s only pissed about the fact that I didn’t come to him, but he’s not. He’s pissed about what happened. 

I got into my car and slammed the door behind me but I didn’t leave. I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready to just turn around and head back to my Aunt’s place after everything that happened. So I just sat in the car and thought. 

I couldn’t blame Gage for his reaction. I replayed that night over and over in my head and if I were him, I wouldn’t be able to let it go either. 

Gage and I used to be close beyond belief. He knew everything about me and I knew everything about him. 

When I first moved to this town to live with my aunt, it was after the sudden death of both my parents from a deadly collision.  I was only 10 at the time and the event broke me, as it would full-grown adults. 

Not only had I lost my parents tragically, I had to give up the entire life I once knew back home. I no longer had any friends or teachers that I could rely on. I was alone with an aunt who I barely knew who had minimal interest in raising me. 

And that’s where Gage came along. Tyler too, but to a lesser extent. It was really Gage who I ran into one fateful day on the playground. Gage who made it his mission to become one of my best friends.

I couldn’t tell you why, exactly. I think he just saw something in me. The same kind of suffering he experienced in his rough upbringing. And it brought us close together fast. 

On the nights that Gage wasn’t at Tyler’s, he was secretly at my house. He would sneak out of his parents (though they’d hardly notice because they were either too drunk or not home to begin with). 

My aunt worked night shifts at the local hospital as a nurse so she was never home to catch us having sleepovers.

For Gage, I think it was just comfortable sleeping somewhere he knew he’d be safe; where nobody was going to barge into the house in a drunken rage. A place where here he wasn’t going to get screamed at for some minor offense. You know, he could just come sneak through my window and fall asleep next to me. 

And I enjoyed it for similar reasons. Because with Gage, I didn’t feel so alone even though I had lost everything. His mere presence was a great comfort to me. 

Our bond only grew as we got older. We’d spend a lot of nights talking into the wee hours of the morning. He’d talk about his parents and their latest exploits. I’d talk about mine and how desperately I missed them.

We just… clicked. I could tell him anything without judgement. And despite everything that had happened in my life, those moments were true happiness for me. 

I guess I can’t deny that as we aged our relationship took a romantic turn. Really, Gage started showing obvious interest in me but I wasn’t going to pretend I didn’t feel it, too. It was impossible to be that close to someone in such an intimate way without feelings developing. 

But all through high school, I shut it down. Nothing ever happened between us because I wouldn’t let it. Even though Gage never explicitly told me he was bi (it was obvious he was into girls) I always knew. And I knew that if I pushed for anything romantic, he’d let it happen, but I refused.

We both dated. I never sought out relationships, but they did tend to happen to me. I saw guys secretly though I didn’t come out until after High School. Nobody that I ever cared about as much as Gage, though.

I liked to date men that I could keep my emotional distance from. Mostly I kept them around for exploring my sexuality and having someone to keep me company when both Gage and Tyler were too busy. 

But none of those guys ever even came close to changing my feelings toward Gage. We still, even when I was in a relationship, slept over at each others houses. We still spilled our souls and spent literally any moment together that we could. And I liked it that way. 

Despite the obvious romantic tension between us, I appreciated the fact that it was never addressed. I didn’t want to deal with my feelings. I didn’t want to open myself up to Gage and I knew why. 

I had lost everything when I lost my parents. I loved them more than anything and I still do. But Gage… Gage was a close second. My love for him ran deep. And I couldn't imagine opening myself up, accepting his love back, and then losing him. Sometimes I wondered if he felt the same. 

But he never said anything about how he felt and neither did I, all through High School. Until the night of our graduation. 

Me, him, and Tyer had all gone to this big grad party one of the richer kids was throwing at his house. And, of course, we did some drinking and got a little irresponsible (as High School kids will do). 

Except for Tyler. Tyler stayed sober. He was always the one to stay out of trouble. He wanted to make sure he’d be able to drive us home safely at the end of the night. 

Which he did, around 1am. Tyler dropped me off at my aunt’s house and Gage and him went to Tyler’s house.

But when I got into my house, I was overcome with loneliness. My aunt was working and the thought of my parents not being able to see me graduate was overwhelming me. Naturally, I texted Gage, who snuck out of Tyler’s and over to my place. 

It was a mistake. I knew damn well we were both still a little tipsy. I knew there was risk here, and still I asked him to come over. 

Within minutes of his arrival, we were kissing. I can’t even really remember how it happened, the entire night was a blur. I just remember the relief of that kiss, like all the sexual tension that had been steadily building between us was finally evaporating. We were finally doing what we’d wanted to do for ages. And I didn’t care about the consequences. 

One thing led to another and we had sex. It was both of our first times, actually. Though I had been sexual with some of my other boyfriends through high school, I had never actually slept with any of them. And he was with quite a few girls but he didn’t sleep with them either.

And I know that all that shit about your first time being amazing and magical is usually a load of crap. Your first time is generally clumsy, awkward, and not all that sexy. But, I swear, that night with Tyler really felt like magic. 

It was probably a combination of our lowered inhibitions and the intimacy that already existed between us, but there was no awkwardness, only passion. Even since that night, I’d never had sex that felt quite like that. It was something special and we both felt it. 

So I should have expected it when, afterward, Gage rolled over to me and said: “I love you, Abel.” 

I still remember the way the words rang in my head. All the happiness I’d been feeling dissipated instantly. 

“What?” I had asked him. 

“I love you. I’ve loved you for so long and… I should have been braver. I should have told you years ago. But I’m telling you now. I’m an adult now, officially, we’re not kids anymore. So I have to tell you the truth and that’s that… that I love you dearly.” 

I froze. I loved him too, I did, but I couldn’t bring myself to say that. The only thing that kept running through my head was how badly I didn’t want this to be happening right now. 

“We’re best friends, Gage.” I had whispered.

“I know. And I want to be more than that. I’ve got to be more than your friend, Abel.”

“We can’t.” 

“Why not? What’s stopping us? Being best friends seems like a great foundation for starting a relationship. I know it's complicated, I know you haven’t come out and obviously I haven't either but I don’t care about the complications. You know me better than anyone, Abel. And I know you too, and I know you love me.” 

“I don’t love you.” I lied through my teeth. 

I don’t even know why I said it. It was so far from the truth. But the words fell out of my mouth. It was like my brain was trying to protect me before I could even process this. 

But it didn’t matter that it was a lie, because Gage couldn’t see that it wasn’t the truth. I watched sadness rush across his face when he understood what I’d said. 

Normally, I know that Gage would be able to spot any lie I tried to tell him. But he didn’t catch this one. It was understandable, with emotions flying high and coloring his judgement. But a part of me wish he had caught my lie. I wished that he told me he knew I loved him and I needed to open myself up to that love.

But he didn’t do that. He didn’t do anything. I’m not sure what I was expecting. Tears, anger, any kind of emotion. But he didn’t express anything. He merely stood up, walked out of my room, and out of the house. 

Leaving me to be the one crying, alone, curled up beneath my bed sheets. 

I’m not sure what would have happened if I stayed in town. Maybe Gage would have eventually came knocking back on my door, not wanting to let our friendship die. Maybe if I continued spending time with him into adulthood, I would have matured and grown to accept the love I had for him. 

But I’ll never know what would have happened because I didn't stay. I left for New York that summer. I had been previously offered a scholarship to a small school there. I wasn’t planning to take it before everything that happened with Gage. I honestly love my small town and I couldn't imagine living somewhere as hustle and bustle as New York City. 

But that all changed after that night. The only thing I cared about was getting out of town, getting as far away from Gage as I possibly could. And, I’m ashamed to admit, I didn’t even say goodbye. Not even to Tyler. 

I got rid of all social media, changed my number, and started a new life in New York. Naturally I still kept tabs on Tyler and Gage from afar, but I never interacted. 

I thought of them all the time though, especially Gage. I watched every single fight he had. Funnily enough, my ex boyfriend who I’d been living with in New York was a huge fan of Gage’s. But I never told him my connection to him. 

He wouldn’t have been able to handle it, anyway. He was the horribly jealous type. I don’t even want to know how he would have reacted to discovering I had slept with his idol. 

I sighed as I turned my keys in the ignition and prepared myself to drive home, thoughts of Gage still fluttering in my mind. 

He was completely right. Even though I doubt he would’ve been glad to see me, I should’ve marched right into his gym and said hello. I shouldn’t have been sneaking around the shared parking lot every night like a coward. 

But the truth is that it was too hard to see him. After all these years, my feelings for him never faded. He never left my mind. I knew that seeing him again was going to break my heart all over again. 

He still had no idea how I felt. He still believes what I said to him that night was the truth. He probably thinks I’ve been avoiding him because I have no desire to see him, because I have no feelings for him. 

God, I really fucked this up… again. 

I drove to my aunts house, berating myself the entire way home. I guess in adulthood, I really hadn’t matured that much. I was still way too afraid to admit my feelings.