I’d never felt like a worse human being in my entire life. It wasn’t helping the shame I already felt for myself. 

Why did I do that? Why did I react that way? What the hell did he do to get this rise out of me?

Of course, the answer was nothing. I just was not ready for this. I was not ready to go on some weird, post-mortem adventure that my dead husband had planned for me with his best friend. I mean, was that really that unreasonable? This would freak anyone out, right?

Or maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe most people would embrace the idea. Fuck, I don’t know. Perhaps in a different situation, I would embrace it, too. I should probably want to embrace the memory of Blake…

But I spend every fucking day trying to forget about him and my guilt. So this trip would be a reminder of everything that had gone wrong. Everything that I’d done wrong. 

So, I want to say no, I want to say I won’t do it. But I feel like I can’t. Derek’s right, though, I kind of owe it to Blake to do this for him. He would do it for me. He planned this whole big thing, and… 

Fuck, this is just another thing I’ve got to do for him, isn’t it?

I spent about half an hour going through it in my head while tossing and turning on the couch. I knew what I had to do, I just didn’t want to, and I was using every justification and rationalization I could think of to avoid it. 

I decided suddenly that this wasn’t how I was going to spend my day. Not today, not on the anniversary, it was too much. Spending the anniversary of the day Blake died like this was only making me feel guiltier. 

I’ll have to make a decision on this, sure, but not today. Today, I could pretend this hadn’t happened. I should just go about my day honoring Blake in any way that I can. 

It wasn’t what I was initially planning to do, but it was the only thing I could think of to make me feel less guilty. 

I tried to think of something I could do for him. I could go take flowers to his grave, of course, but I didn't want to. I hated visiting the cemetery. It all felt so dark and sad. I wanted something lighter than that, something to make me feel better. But I needed something that still felt like I was going to see him somehow. 

And then it hit me. I’d go buy some bread from the grocery store, then go to his favorite park. A park he visited frequently in his last few months. It was the one thing that had gotten him out of the house on his worst days. 

I think it was a combination of the fact that he loved the park and that sitting on a park bench and feeding nearby ducks was a very easy and light activity for him. Man, did he light up when feeding those ducks. It was a sight. 

I didn't feel like smiling at all, but the corners of my mouth still turned into a slight grin when I thought of him there. I’d even snuck a few pictures of him while he hadn’t looking so I’d always be able to remember how happy he’d looked on those days. I haven’t looked at them since his death, though. 

There was a small grocery store right by my house, and the park was only five minutes away by car, so I got there in no time. Though, when I arrived, I was disappointed to see that the bench we’d always sat at was taken by someone else. 

I sat in my car a few minutes waiting for the guy to get up, so I could take his place. There wasn’t much else to do, because that was pretty much the only bench by the pond. The only other one was this really uncomfortable metal mess that Blake refused to sit on. It wouldn’t feel right sitting there. So I’d just wait. 

But when ten minutes had gone by, and the guy hadn’t moved, I found myself getting bored. And boredom led me to think about things that I really didn't want to, so this was more than a little frustrating for me. 

I decided to just take a walk around the pond while I waited. Anything to get out of my head and out into some fresh air. 

I didn't end up doing that, though, once I walked closer to the pond and realized who was sitting there. 

Holy shit, it was Derek. My jaw dropped the second I recognized him. 

What the fuck are the chances of that? Why would he come to this park? Had he’d known I’d be here? No, impossible, even I didn't know I’d be here until twenty minutes ago. 

Did he come here for the same reason I did? Did he used to come here with Blake? That’s got to be it. 

I wasn't sure what to do. My first instinct was to head back into my car and leave before he noticed me. I’d easily be able to escape this awkwardness, he had his head buried in his hands, and I was confident he didn’t see me. I barely even saw his face. I probably wouldn't even have recognized him if I hadn't just seen his outfit when he’d been at my house. 

I couldn’t just run away, though. On top of the fact that it would be cowardly and fucked up, I felt a magnetic pull to him. Like I had to go over there and talk to him. I know it sounds silly, but it was like fate was pushing me toward him. 

I felt stupid, but my first thought was that somehow Blake had brought us together. I guess, in a way, he had, if we were both here because of memories of him. 

I guess this was a chance for me to at least remove some of my guilt. I could apologize for my absolutely repulsive behavior back at my house. I could show him I’m, like, not a complete piece of shit. 

I walked over to the bench, my heart pounding as I waited for him to lift his head out of his hands and see me. But he didn’t move his hands, which made everything feel so much more awkward. I wasn't sure if I should call out his name and announce my presence or just sit next to him and wait. Either option felt weird. 

I decided on just sitting there and hoping he'd look up as soon as he felt my presence. Sure enough, it was a split second after I sat down that he reacted to me. Though he clearly didn’t realize it was me right away.

“I’m sorry I—” his eyes bulged as he saw me. 

“You have nothing to apologize about,” I said softly, “if anything, I do.” 

“Bailey…” he said, as he processed out loud, “wh-what are you doing here? How did you know I’d be here?”

"I didn’t,” I admitted, “I wasn't actually expecting to see you here at all. I came on my own.” 

He looked at me and then back out at the lake. “For Blake?”

“For Blake,” I nodded. 

He nodded back and then continued to look out at the pond. 

I took in a deep, shaky breath. “Look, I’m really sorry about before… I felt like shit the second you left. I know I was incredibly fucked up, and I’m honestly not usually this kind of person. I just… it’s a shitty day, and I wasn’t coping well, and then you came to me with this huge thing. It was just a lot.”

“Right. I understand,” he said, but I wasn’t sure he really did. 

“Okay, it sounds like I’m making excuses and maybe I am. But, honestly, I really am sorry. I swear you’re never going to have to deal with any shit like that from me again.”

He looked over at me and then took a deep breath in himself. “So, are you going to do it?” 

I don’t know why his question caught me off guard. Obviously it shouldn’t, he’s been pushing for this the entire time, but I thought he wouldn’t bring it up so soon after my apology. He wouldn’t let up.

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I haven’t come to a decision.”

“All right,” he said, clearly trying to hold his tongue. He was still judging me for this, but could I even blame him?

“It’s not a super easy decision, you know,” I told him. 

“No,” he said softly, “no, I don’t know. Not really. Because it was a very easy decision for me. Not to be confused with it being an easy task, because it’s not. It wasn’t easy to read that letter and to come to you as a perfect stranger. It isn’t an easy process. But it was an easy decision, because I knew this was what I had to do. I knew it was the only thing I possibly could do. There was no other decision that I could live with.”

Now I had to try to hold my tongue. “You’re very pushy, you know that? And pretty judgmental. You don’t know me. You don’t know what kind of person I am. I’m not just a piece of shit because I don’t want to do this.”

“I never said that,” he defended. “I never said any of it. Sounds like you’re projecting.”

Holy fuck, this guy was infuriating. 

“What do you want from me?” I asked bitterly. “What is it you actually want out of this? You want me to just say I’ll do it? Ignore my feelings and the pain that bringing him back into my life is going to cause me and just do it?”

“Yes!” he said emphatically. “Yes, that’s what I want! I just want to do this. I want to do it for Blake, and, if I could carry out this task on my own, I would. But I can’t, I need you for it. So, please, whatever feelings you have about it, just step up and do it.”

I didn’t have words, not yet. I just stared at him for a moment, thinking about what to say next. I wasn’t trying to look angry or anything, but I must have come off that way, because he quickly softened. 

“All right, I know I’m being really pushy. Now I’m coming off as kind of a dick. Maybe I’m being one. If I’m honest, this has more to do with me than you. I really want to do this for him, and, yeah, that’s making me be really pushy toward you. And, for that, I’m sorry. But I’m desperate.”

Okay, good, this was the first thing that had come out of his mouth that hadn’t made me seethe with rage. 

“And why is that?” I asked him, no longer trying to be antagonistic. 

“Why is what?” he asked back. 

“Why do you feel so desperate?”

He looked to the pond, then back to me, then back at the pond. “I missed all of this, you know? I missed the marriage, I missed the last year of his life, I missed the funeral. I’m supposed to be his best friend, and I wasn’t there for him. And I just… I miss him. I’ve got this one connection to him left, and I don’t want to pass it up.” 

I now really regretted what I’d said before he left the house, about him owing it to Blake. 

“If he wasn’t honest with you, there’s nothing you could have done. You couldn’t make him tell you the truth. If you had known, you would have been here. You’re not a bad friend.”

He nodded. “Logically, I may know that. But it doesn’t take away the guilt.”

Fuck, I could relate. 

“It’s normal, the guilt is normal. You just have to tell yourself that you did nothing wrong and know that it’s the truth. What else is there to do?”

He nodded, but he seemed unconvinced. And I understood, because I was also unconvinced. 

I knew that I couldn’t say no, now. I couldn’t turn him down after knowing how important it was to him. It wasn’t even just about all the effort Blake had put in anymore. Blake is gone, but Derek is sitting right next to me. He’s just a man who’s torn up bout his best friend’s death, who will feel better if he can fulfill his last wishes. And I was a fucking monster if I didn’t make that possible for him. 

“Okay,” I said suddenly. 

“Okay what?” he asked. 

“Okay, we can do it.”

Both his eyebrows rose up in excitement. “The trip?!”

“Yeah, the trip, let’s do it. We don’t need to break it down into weekends, either. I’ll get some time off, and we can do this for real, exactly like Blake intended it.”

Actual tears were welling up in his eyes as he wrapped his arms around me. “Oh my god, thank you! Seriously, thank you so fucking much. You have no idea what this means to me!”

I wasn’t a big hugger. I wasn’t a touchy-feely person at all. So, I awkwardly hugged him back and patted him on the shoulder before pulling away. 

“Uh, yeah, you’re welcome. So, uh, I will just… call you when I figure out what time I can get off?”

“Yes, perfect, yeah! Let me know as soon as you talk to your boss so I can get hotels booked and everything arranged!”

I cringed at the words ‘hotels arranged.’ God, this was actually happening. I was really doing this. Had I even thought this through?

“All right, will do. Talk to you soon,” I said, as I got up off the park bench and made a quick exit to my car. 

One small benefit to this arrangement was that I definitely felt less guilty. I had fixed things up with Derek and had decided to do the selfless thing for Blake. It didn’t fix the worst of my shame, of course. But it helped. 

And, the downside was that I was having full-blown anxiety about this trip and all the feelings it was going to bring up.