Never in my entire life had I heard an alpha use those words. The fact that Ben was actually suggesting couples therapy was absolutely shocking. My jaw fell to the floor and my eyes grew double in size.

“Couples therapy?” I said it aloud to buy some time.

I thought I had finally successfully shaken this alpha. I could go home and finish the column and move on with my life. Unfortunately for me, this alpha was not going anywhere anytime soon.

I chewed my lip while I thought about what I was going to say. “I think I know just the guy,” I said when I finally gathered some words together in my head, “I’ll call and schedule an emergency meeting.” I’d think of a plan later.

“Amazing, I’ll do whatever it takes,” Ben said as he got up from his knees, “and thank you for understanding.” He kissed my cheek and smiled at me.

“Yes Benjamin,” I said shortly, “We will talk tomorrow, when I’m not so upset.” I pretended to pout and stomped away from him mouthing WTF the entire way home with the dead love-fern still in my arms.

The next day I rang Ben and told him I had arranged a meeting with one of New York’s most influential couple therapists, who would actually just be Michael in a pair of over-sized reading glasses with his living room furniture re-arranged and some tissues and self-help books on his coffee table.

Ben and I walked to the session together. He was looking sexy in his silver toned suit and baby blue dress shirt underneath. I kept it tame today with grey slacks and a purple polk-a-dot shirt. I was still picking horrible pink fuzzy lint out of my hair from the night before.

As we walked to Michael’s house, I told Ben if he really wanted this to work he would have to really open up and listen to what our therapist had to say. Little did he know he was really going to be fed a load of horse crap from the most irrational person I’d ever met.

Michael answered the door wearing his over-sized reading glasses, as I predicted, and what looked like some sort of shall draped over top his shoulders. He welcomed us in with an eerily soothing tone and we got settled in on his couch.

Before getting started Michael asked how we would be paying for the session. I winced, tricky, I thought then looked over at Ben.

“Yeah, I guess, how much?” Ben stammered.

“300 dollars,” Michael stated.

Ben looked like he had just been punched right in the gut, but he obliged. I bit my lip and concentrated on keeping a straight face.

“So,” Michael clapped his hands together, “How long have you been seeing each other?” He said it in a serious tone, nodding lightly as he spoke.

“Seven days,” I answered, then looked at Ben and smiled.

“Seven days, okay.” Michael picked his notepad up and began to scribble what I could only assume was doodles.

“Yeah, you don’t think that’s too soon to be seeing a therapist, do you?” Ben asked skeptically.

“Well, Ben,” I interjected, “seven days isn’t a lifetime but—

He cut me off, “No, it’s a week.”

I pretended to be hurt by his comment and looked at Michael for support. “See, did you hear that tone? How are we supposed to work with a tone like that?”

“Mhmm, I see, I see,” Michael played along. “And how are things between you two, sexually?” He asked boldly.

I cringed and made a face at Ben, “Well not so good. He has a bit of a you know…” I covered my mouth as I spoke to Michael and pointed at Ben’s lower half, “…Ben has some issues, if you know what I mean?”

“Oh, wow.” Michael’s eye’s widened. “Erectile dysfunction?”

“I think so,” I said in a lowered voice.

“What! Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Ben jumped in, desperate to gain his reputation back after I single handedly destroyed it in just two words. “We haven’t even… and the one time we did you tried to name my thing Princess LuLu! Talk about mood kill!”

“I thought it was a beautiful name,” I touched my chest lightly and sniffled.

Michael paused a moment pretending to take it all in. “Mhmm, now I see.”

I moved to the edge of the couch with my fist underneath my chin, waiting for Michael to continue.

“And when did you realize you were actually attracted to women, Ben?”

“What?” Ben exclaimed. “Women? I’ve never been attracted to women! Ever since I was 13 and got my alpha results back, it’s been all men for me!”

“This is a safe zone, Benjamin,” Michael toyed, testing Ben’s anger.

“I understand that, but I’m telling you that you’re wrong. I was born an alpha and I was born gay, that’s just the way it is!” He was clearly agitated, which was understandable.

“Ben please, let’s not get angry. Here take my hand.” Michael reached out for Benjamin’s hand. I didn’t know where he was going with it but I decided to step in.

“Oh wow! Would you two like to get a room?” I shouted at Ben.

Michael dropped his hand immediately. I think he wasn’t even expecting that much crazy to be thrown on the table.

“You’re hitting on our shrink now! Wow, Benjamin, you sure do have some balls! You think you’re just a big macho alpha and you can just go around hitting on anyone you please?” I didn’t even really know what I was saying anymore, I was just going with it.

“So a minute ago I only liked women and now I’m hitting on our male omega shrink? Which one is it Andy?” Ben steamed.

“I’m just trying to figure you out, Ben!” I began sobbing and grabbed the tissues from the coffee table. I dabbed my fake tears and placed the tissues underneath my armpits. “I’m sweaty, I get sweaty when I’m upset,” I whined.

“It’s okay, Andy,” Michael said quietly. I think he was overwhelmed by my dramatic performance and Ben’s intense rebuttal.

“Trying to figure me out? You have enough personalities for the both of us Andy!” Ben shouted.

“He’s so angry.” I told Michael who was now focused on the notepad in front of him, uncomfortably trying to ignore the two of us bickering back and forth. “I mean he even got mad because I called his mom.”

“Because you did it behind my back to get photos for a fake photo album!” He looked at Michael for approval, “He did it behind my back.”

Michael nodded his head trying to keep up, “And how did that make you feel?”

“I feel like he’s not letting me be a part of his life.” I fake cried a little more.

“You want to be a part of my life, Andy? You want to call my mom? Go ahead. Call the whole family if you want. Heck, we could all go to Staten Island this weekend if you want!”

Michael lurched forward at that notation. “That’s a good idea.” He winked at me secretly.

Ben and I both jumped forward in our seats, “What?”

“Yes, I think it will be good for the two of you,” Michael said with a pleased look on his face.

I gave him a death stare.

“Perfect. Great progress today you two.” Michael stood indicating the session was now over.

It was too late to get out of this now. Ben clearly couldn’t think of a reason fast enough not to go and neither could I.

I was mortified. I was already feeling funny about this situation. Ben was the first guy in a long time that actually seemed genuinely interested in me despite my crazy. Now I had to involve his family in this whole charade. I felt guilty. I was going to have to tone down the crazy this weekend and hope for the best come Monday.