“You’re humming and practically dancing,” Cindy laughs as she looks at me strangely across the room. “I take it you’re feeling better now. You certainly look a lot better than you did last night.”

I want to giggle, I’ve just had the best night of my damn life so of course I’m all happy. Much as I want to keep it all in until I know one hundred percent what’s going on, but I can’t keep it in any longer. I need my best friend to know now, I have to talk this through with someone. I’m pretty confident, anyway.

“I wasn’t really ill last night,” I confide quietly. “I’m sorry for lying to you, I didn’t mean to, I just wanted to make sure about something before I share it with you, and now… well, now I know for sure.”

“Oh, thank God.” She rolls her eyes and sniffs at me. “I knew something was going on with you.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that. You know I wouldn’t have kept it inside if I didn’t have to.” I sigh as Cindy looks at me expectantly. She’s probably waiting for a large bomb shell. Maybe this is, or maybe it won’t be at all. I’m not too sure. “It’s about Kade. I, erm, well, you know that I told you about our friendship?”

“Oh yeah?” Now she’s looking curious. “You grew up next to each other, or something?”

“We did.” I nod slowly. “And as we grew older I started to fall for him more and more.”

Cindy raises into a standing position from her bed and she places her hands on her hips. “Oh my God, what are you trying to tell me here? Are you serious? But you’re so different, I can’t see it at all.”

My cheeks heat up, partly with embarrassment, partly with lust as I remember last night. “I guess opposites attract.” I shrug. “I mean, weren’t always so different. That’s happened over time…”

“So, what happened? Why did you stop being friends? Because you aren’t now…”

“No, we fell out when I saw him kissing another girl. I couldn’t hack it at the time, my feelings were too much and I pulled away from him. It was all my fault, if I could’ve taken it, we never would have fallen out.”

“Did he know about how you felt?” I shake my head because I never let him now. “Wow, that’s still huge. So, I suppose it’s a good thing that you’re at the same place now because you can reconnect.”

“Yes, when he came up to me in the student bar he wanted to be friends again…” I leave that sentence hanging in the air, wondering how she’ll take this. Cindy is seriously smart, so I’m sure she’ll get it.

“Is that what you left last night for then? To go and hang out with him to be friends?”

“Well… we didn’t exactly hang out as friends,” I say coyly. “More happened than that.”

Cindy races across the room and she joins me on the bed. She grips onto my arm and stares intensely into my eyes. “Are you serious? Something happened? You kissed him? You had sex with him?”

“We’re going to be together,” I tell her eagerly. “I’m in love with him and I think he is me too.”

Cindy narrows her eyes at me, she doesn’t look convinced which is fine by me. She doesn’t know, she hasn’t seen us together, she can’t possibly see what’s really going on here. I don’t mind, she’ll soon understand when we are fully a couple and everyone is jealous of our love. Ooh, I can’t wait until that moment.

“You will be careful though, right? Because he is a player and it sounds like he’s hurt you before. I know you said that he doesn’t know how you used to have a crush on him but maybe he could see it anyway. I don’t want you to get your heart torn out of your chest over him. That will kill me.”

I grab Cindy into hug and I pull her against mine. “Oh, Cindy, I appreciate you caring about me but I’m honestly fine. I know what I’m doing and I know what he thinks now. Today we will see each other again and we’ll get it set in stone. It’s honestly going to be just fine. You’ll soon see. I promise you, I’m okay.”

She stays where she is patting me on the back. I’m sure she isn’t as convinced as I am, but that’s fine. I don’t mind, I’ll prove it to her. I’ll prove it to everyone, they’ll all see that I know what I’m talking about.

Eventually we stand and we head to class. Much as I want to seek Kade out now, I have to put my education first. Knowing what he’s like he’s probably still in bed, sleeping the morning away. Maybe in the end I’ll be a good influence on him and he’ll start picking up his attitude and he’ll do well. I know that he has the family business to fall back on, but he needs to do well here too. He needs something that’s just for him.

Saying that, I find it hard to concentrate in class. It doesn’t hold the same appeal to me as it once did. Luckily, this isn’t a subject I struggle with so I can afford to day dream for one day. I can think about the night I lost my virginity and how wonderful it was. I could have been horrible, but it was lovely. It was wonderful, like a dream come true. I have a little sting down there but it feels good because I know it’s him. It’s the memory of having him there, of us having that wonderful, bonding moment together. I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. I want to get to that place again, I can’t wait to feel him inside once more.

As soon as class ends, I don’t head home. I make my way to the building where Kade lives. Nerves cascade through my body, but excitement is there too. I haven’t ever felt like this before. I know that I could text him, but this is a conversation that I would much prefer to have face to face.

The building isn’t like mine, it’s full of the cooler kids, I suppose. Maybe that’s what constitutes as coolness and popularity in this place, it’s all about where you live. People give me odd looks but thankfully no one stops me. Not that they could, I have as much right as anyone else to be here, to visit someone.

Once I’m outside the room that I’m pretty sure he’s in, nerves get the better of me and I almost turn on my heels to go. I don’t think this is a good idea at all, I should message or call first… but then the door swings open and there he is, looking down on me like I’m a freaking ghost or something.

“Oh… Lucie…” yep, there’s definitely no pleasure in his voice. “What are you doing here?”

“I erm…” My blood runs icy cold as I begin to see that maybe I got carried away in my assumption. “I came to see you, to see if you wanted to talk about what happened last night…”

Maybe that isn’t what people do, maybe I’ve got more than ahead of myself here. Humiliation crashes over me and I no longer know what to do with myself. My skin becomes itchy with embarrassment.

“I don’t have time right now.” Kade’s tone is freezing, it sends chills racing up and down my spine. “Can we do this at another point? I’ve got way too much to do, I can’t even begin to explain.”

His cell phone starts ringing, as if to prove his point. He glances at the screen but stuffs it back away without answering it. I have a horrible feeling that it’s another woman and he’s off to see her instead of me. I cannot believe all those things I said to Cindy this morning, as she tried to warn me that this would happen. Now she’s going to think that I’m a real idiot. I can’t believe what I’m going to have to tell her. I should have kept this all to myself, now I feel like another dumb idiot in the line behind Kade, never getting his love.

I’m in love with this guy, I think sadly to myself. I always have been and now I know that he won’t ever love me back. If he doesn’t now, after last night, then it won’t ever happen. He’ll never ever love me.

“Oh right, well I’m sorry for interrupting whatever you have going on…” I back away. I need to make my escape before I humiliate myself even further. “I’ll speak to you at another time. Erm, yeah bye.”

I turn, ready to run but before I manage to make that escape I hear a nasty laugh from a girl in the hallway who has seemingly overheard everything. She clutches her stomach as if it’s the funniest thing ever.

“Oh my God, what a sad case. Did you actually think that Kade would like you? What a twat!”

It’s like high school all over again. I’ve let Kade drag me back there. I don’t even bother to answer this girl, not even with a lie or an excuse, because I know that she’s right. I really have been an idiot.

“I mean, look at you,” she continues. “Do you really think you are up to his stand ands?”

I run down the stairs two at a time, needing to get outside. Tears stream down my face, I’m utterly heart broken by what’s happened. I’ve inadvertently become one of those pathetic girls who gets obsessed with the girl she’s lost her virginity to. How tragic. This is why I was supposed to wait for someone special.

I don’t lift my eyes from the ground as I run across the campus, all I need to do is get to my room, to lock myself away from this world and to collapse and fall apart. I can already feel my heart shattering in my chest and it’s even worse than the last time because now something has happened between us, I know that we could be good if we went for it. It’s a shame, but clearly, he’s an asshole who doesn’t deserve me.

When I finally fall on the bed, the tears flood from my eyes soaking my pillow. Cindy doesn’t even need to ask what’s happened, she already knows because she saw it before it happened. She joins me on my bed and comforts me as best as she can, but there’s only so much that she can do. This is a mess that I’ve gotten myself into, and I need to get myself out of it as well. I broke my own heart really, by being so dumb.

He isn’t good enough for me, I try to tell myself even though I know it isn’t true. He’s not the one. One day, I’ll find real love and all of this will be in the past. I won’t even remember it.

But right now, the pain is so real, so raw that I can hardly stand it. It’s physical as well as emotional, I can actually feel the ache. It’s too damn much. I know I’m not good enough, that bitchy girl was right, why would he like me if he could have every single girl in college? I’m nothing. Unfortunately, he is everything. He’s always been everything to me. I guess that’s the hardest thing of all. Now, I need to get past the romance that I’ve been building up in my life forever. I have to let go of the idea that we’re going to end up together, it won’t ever happen.