I don’t feel as good as I should this morning, I feel all off kilter. I know that it should be a good thing that me and Kade finally hooked up, but while this secret is still hanging over my head, I can’t relax. Today, somehow or another, I’m going to have to find a way to tell him and I’m sacred as hell.

I watch Logan playing on the carpet as cartoons flicker on the television behind his head. My poor little boy is about to have his world shaken and he doesn’t even know it yet. Because once Kade knows, eventually I’m going to have to tell him as well. This is the father who has always been away on business. He likes Kade, sure, but I don’t know how he’s going to take that information. It’ll be a shock for sure.

Knock, knock. I don’t even acknowledge the door, if it’s the post man then Mom will get it. I have my head filled with other stuff today. I have to work out how to reveal my biggest secret. Urgh.

“Lucie?” Mom calls, forcing me to get up after all. “Lucie, can you come here please?”

I move towards the front door to see Mom with an incredibly worried face. When I spot who’s behind her I can understand why. Kade is glowering with rage, which scares the shit out of me. Maybe he knows, maybe somehow someone has told him. Not that anyone knows, so that shouldn’t be possible.

“Are you okay?” Mom mouths desperately at me. “Do you need me?”

“Erm, Logan is in the living room…” I reply loudly. “If you don’t mind…”

She leaves me and Kade behind and he continues to glower at me. This is bad, it’s really bad. I don’t like it one bit. I’m going to have to take this conversation far away from Logan. If this is what I fear it’s going to be, and I’m not going to get to do this in a calm and considered way, then we have to do it privately.

“Do you want to come up to my bedroom? So, we can have a talk, or whatever?”

He doesn’t answer me, but he follows me inside. We walk up the stairs in a thick stilted atmosphere, my heart racing painfully in my chest the entire time. I can feel the hate burning off of him hard. He definitely knows, he really does get it this time, which is utterly terrifying. It makes me all cold inside.

Once inside my bedroom, I close the door behind us and I turn to face Kade. I fold my arms across my chest and I wait for him to yell at me. He doesn’t, but his face does turn a funny shade of red as the rage consumes him. It’s almost as if he’s so wrapped up in his anger that he doesn’t know how to let it out.

“I’m sorry, Kade,” I try. “I never meant for you to find out like this, I didn’t want…”

“So, it is true then?” he demands. “It’s true. You know if I didn’t reach out to Rhiannon then I never…”

“Wait, stop! Rhiannon? Who do you mean by that? My friend from college? That’s so invasive…”

“Well, you weren’t going to tell me!” He’s indignant, like he doesn’t get what he’s done.

“I was going to tell you in the right way!” I explode. “In my own time. I know this is big news, but that’s why I wanted to do it right. I wanted to check that you really were more grown up now before I said…”

“Oh, so you might not even have told me? I could still not know now? If you didn’t deem me good enough?”

This isn’t going as I want it to or not, but right now I’m too fuming to care. He went behind my back and spoke to someone that I haven’t talked to in years instead of coming directly to me. Yes, he’s asked a bit, but not about himself. I never would have lied if he did. I couldn’t have done that to him.

“Why did you ask Rhiannon? She doesn’t even know anything. She never knew I was pregnant.”

“No, but she told me when you left and it wasn’t long after me and that was enough for me to start working stuff out.” He yanks his hands through his hair and gives me a desperate look. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I tried.” I throw my hands in the air in despair. “I really did try to do so but I couldn’t. I couldn’t get hold of you, you were gone. You have already left the country by the time I found out, what could I do?”

“You could have told me! There were ways. There were always ways. This is something that I would have wanted to know. Was I not good enough to find out? Yes, I was immature, but still.”

“It wasn’t like that, I was trying to protect you, I wanted to protect Logan too. I was young myself.”

“Argh!” he yells out in frustration. “I cannot believe this. I can’t believe that this is happening. Of all the things that I thought might happen in my life, I didn’t expect this. And I never thought it of you as well. I didn’t think that you would ever be the sort of person who would keep something like this a secret.” He gives me a look and it’s one of pure hate. He actually seems to despise me which makes me shudder. We’ve gone from telling each other that we’re in love, all the way to hate. “I can’t believe that you did this.”

I suck in a breath, trying to find a way to explain. “Kade, I didn’t do it to be spiteful, I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t want to derail the path that your life had taken so I took it upon myself to tell no one. I was so young and it just seemed like the right choice at the time. Maybe it wasn’t the right thing for me to do, and if I made a mistake them I’m really, truly sorry. I never wanted to hurt anyone…”

For a second, I think I might be about to get through to him, but then he explodes again.

“But I’ve been back!” he shouts. “I’ve been back for ages. You could have told me.”

“But like I said, I wanted to check. I wanted to know that this wasn’t going to turn into something horrible.”

Tears fill my eyes at the same time they do his. This is not where I wanted this day to end up. This is all so very wrong. “We told each other that we love each other last night, and now I learn this.”

“I was going to tell you today. That was my plan,” I insist, desperately wanting him to understand. “I’ve just been sitting downstairs working out how to tell you in a way that doesn’t cause… well this!”

“That’s so convenient. Just as I’m calling you out on your behavior, you were going to tell me.”

“I was, I swear.” I fall back onto the bed, wishing I could change everything. I want to go back to last night when everything was absolutely perfect. “I promise you, I wanted to tell you everything.”

Kade paces the room, shaking his head every so often. I can see the frustration and the anger rolling off of him in waves. All I want to do is leap up and hold him, but I know that will send him over the edge. The way that he’s feeling right now will send him right over the edge. I have done the worst thing to him that anyone ever could. I can’t blame him for feeling like he does but I need him to understand.

“Please, Kade,” I beg him. “Please try to understand why. I didn’t want this to turn out like this. I just wanted to have a calm conversation about it. As far as I knew, you weren’t ever coming back. I didn’t think that you would. You were off travelling the world, doing goodness knows what… and back then, back when I found out, I was all messy myself. I didn’t know what to think. You know, I had a huge decision to make, I didn’t even know what to do about the baby that was growing inside of me, it was all so hard.”

“But you knew,” he says, not letting me off the hook that easily. “You knew about Logan, you were given the choice. I didn’t know. My family didn’t know. We have a child in our midst and none of us knew.”

I glance towards my bedroom door, really hoping that Logan can’t hear us, I don’t want him to find out in this way, but Kade seems to take my glance to mean something else. His shoulders hunch up around his ears.

“Do you want me to go? Is that what this means?” The anger bubbles, I can see it inside of him. “You want the inconvenient ex who has just come back into your life to vanish? Then fine, I’ll go.”

I leap up as he storms towards the door and I grab onto his arm. If I let him go now while things are so up in the air then I might not ever get the chance to speak to him again. I cannot leave it like this.

“No, please, Kade. Don’t storm out. Let’s talk about this. Let’s discuss it properly.”

He gives me the coldest look that anyone has ever given me before. The sad part is, I know that I deserve it. “Lucie, you lost the chance to speak to me about this a million and one times.”

I fall back, hit words hitting me in the chest like bullets. He really does hate me now, and not only that but he knows and he doesn’t want to spend any more time with Logan. He doesn’t want to talk to his son, he doesn’t want to try and be a father, I guess this is my worst nightmare coming true. This is why I’ve kept it inside and I haven’t told him, because now me and Logan have both been rejected which is the worst thing ever. He doesn’t want either of us. The truth is now out and he doesn’t want to know. It’s the toughest pill that I have ever had to swallow, it sticks painfully in my throat, leaving me speechless.

As he storms out, and he slams the door behind him, the tears flood from my eyes. I fall to the ground and I cry and cry and cry. I think I must leak all the water in my entire body out of my eyes. I can barely control myself, my shoulders shake, the bones in my body rack, I’m a freaking state.

Just as it was finally getting started with me and Kade, it got shattered all over again. Fate has leapt back in and destroyed us again. Only this time it’s for good. If Kade doesn’t want Logan, then he doesn’t want me either. We’re done. I cannot believe it, I can’t believe that he has turned us both away, I never thought that he would be that sort of man. He’s surprised me with his behavior, but I suppose I have with mine as well. We’ve both turned out to be not the people we were supposed to be which is a shame. The only person who is going to be hurt in all of this is Logan. He doesn’t deserve either of us to be such terrible people. He’s such a sweetheart, he deserves the best in life and he doesn’t have it from either of us.

Oh God, I feel so terrible for my boy.