“No, Logan, I can’t do that right now!” I yell out, letting the stress get to me a little bit. I tug on the ends of my hair is distress. “I’ve just got to finish up here, I’m on my own at the moment, sweetheart.”

I don’t even know what he wants me to do, but I feel certain that it isn’t as desperate as he’s making it out to be. Honestly, it’s so hard to be a million places at once. I have to get his dinner sorted, first and foremost, I’m already a bit behind the schedule that I try my hardest to stick to. Then it’s bath and bed time. Usually I have someone else around to spread the load out with, but Mom and Dad aren’t back from the cinema yet. I don’t begrudge them having some time together at all, I’m just spread thin. But I can do it.

Knock, knock. I groan loudly as I hear someone rapping on the door. Not what I need! Knock, knock.

“Coming!” I cry out while keeping the word ‘dinner’ in my mind so I don’t forget to get back to it as soon as I can. I swing the door open while rubbing the perspiration from my forehead… “Oh! Kade?” Yeah, I definitely don’t want to see him while I look like this! I’m in full ‘mom mode’ with sweat pants on and my hair scraped back. I can’t remember whether I have make up on or not, this is a nightmare. “I wasn’t, erm… I didn’t know that you were going to be here. What are you doing? I don’t mean, not rudely…”

“I want to take you on a date,” he replies while making a sweeping gesture with his hands. “You keep rejecting me when I text you and ask you out, so I thought I would try it face to face, see what you say.”

The gesture is so touching, it almost makes me drop everything, but I can’t! I can’t leave Logan here alone, nor do I want to. If Kade is serious about me then he needs to see that I can’t just drop my responsibilities on a whim, even if I really do want to spend some more time together. This is the life of a parent.

“I don’t reject you.” I smack him playfully. “I just can’t, that’s all. I don’t have anyone here.”

“Oh, is your mom not around?” His face falls, making me feel a little bad. “Fair enough.”

I glance behind me, wondering whether or not I should invite him inside. I don’t want Logan to get too used to him, but he has met him in the context of the party, he does know about him… but is it dangerous?

“Oh, hi there, Kade.” Mom and Dad appear as if by magic behind Kade, making me jump. “What are you doing in the door way? Come inside. Come and have a drink with us all. We haven’t seen you for a while!”

I roll my eyes, knowing that it’s going to be challenging to sort out Logan’s dinner now with them all milling about, making me feel uneasy, but I can’t exactly turn down the invite without looking weird. They all go inside anyway, leaving me to shut the door behind them as they chat on. My dad isn’t the most talkative of people, I don’t think he can get much of a word in edgeways with me and Mom, but with Kade he’s always very talkative. He seems to bring a side out of him that no one else can, and that includes tonight. I can already hear them talking about Kade’s new role in his father’s company like there’s no tomorrow.

“What’s going on?” Mom hisses to me, her eyes shining with excitement. “Why is Kade here?”

“I don’t know, he just turned up and asked me out on another date.” I give her a helpless shrug. “I honestly didn’t know that he was coming, so what can I do? I’m trying to do Logan’s dinner.”

“I’ll do that, you go out with him! You deserve to have a good time. I can do whatever with Logan…”

“No, Mom,” I insist. “He needs to know that he can’t just turn up. I have responsibilities here.”

Mom bites down on her bottom lip and she nods, agreeing with me. Maybe she doesn’t really agree with my decision, but she trusts me enough to know that I’m doing what I know is right… and it is. Before I can fully bring Kade into Logan’s life, one of the things that he needs to know is that he cannot just do what he wants if he’s going to be a parent. My child has to come first and I want him to know that.

“Okay, well I’m about so I can do anything that I need to…” She pauses and looks towards the kitchen. “I’ll go and drag your father away from Kade so you can have some time to talk to him.”

I’m grateful to Mom, I think. I do want to speak to Kade alone but it’s weird. It puts my whole evening on edge. I thought I knew what this night would hold and it certainly wasn’t this.

Once Mom and Dad go upstairs, I suck in a deep breath and I face Kade. “I’m really sorry to do this to you, Kade, but I need to get Logan’s dinner done. I have to get him ready for bed, I don’t have time…”

“Why don’t I sort out dinner?” he says with a smile. “I can help you out, you know, I don’t have to be in the way. I know that you’re very busy, I didn’t want to wreck your evening, I just wanted to see you.”

Well how the hell am I supposed to resist that? It’s so damn sweet. Plus, it could be a bit of an easy way to ease him into family life just a tiny bit. It’s scary, but it can be another little test for the pair of us.

“I don’t know what food we have,” I admit. “I haven’t looked in the cupboards yet.”

“I am an excellent cook, I can make something out of nothing,” he insists. “I promise you, it’ll be fine. You go in the living room with Logan and play with him, or get something else done if you need to.”

Wow… that offer is too much, it’s too nice. I can’t turn it down, so I nod gratefully. “Okay, thank you.”

I take the chance to spend some quality time with my son. I don’t get as much as I would like because I’m always rushing about trying to hold it all together. Now, because of Kade, I get to sit down with him and play a game with his cars. It’s lovely, it makes me feel really happy, the only problem is that I’m anxious. I’m nervous about the idea of Kade coming out of the kitchen and finally realizing the truth.

I can hear him banging about in the kitchen, whistling and humming away to himself, but I don’t know if that’s how he’ll be once we’re all sitting around the table, because of course he’s going to stay. I’m not the sort of person who will make him cook and kick him out. It’s going to be really odd.

“Mommy’s friend is here,” I say quietly to Logan. I want him to be prepared and then if he hates the idea I can put a stop to it right away. “Do you remember Kade from the party? He’s cooking dinner.”

“Okay,” Logan replies simply, seemingly unbothered by my statement. “Kade, I remember.”

“Is that okay? If he sits here and has dinner with us? It’s entirely up to you…”

“I don’t mind.” Logan pushes his car along the carpet. “What is he cooking?”

Without waiting for answer, Logan runs into the kitchen to ask Kade himself. I feel frozen to the spot, I know I should probably go and control the situation, but I can’t seem to make myself do it. My brain is screaming at me, but my body ignores it completely. I remain sitting on the floor just waiting for the bomb to go off… I brace myself, I try my hardest to prepare myself, but the explosion never comes.

“He’s making pork medallions, Mommy,” Logan tells me excitedly. “I like that!”

“How come you never like it when I make you something new?” I chuckle weakly. My insides feel all weird, I want to call my mom down for back up. “How do you know that you like it?”

“Don’t know, just do.” He shrugs at me. “It smells nice.”

None of this is right, I shouldn’t be letting this happen, but I suppose it isn’t going wrong… oh God, I don’t know how I should feel. I’m all muddy and raw, messy and vulnerable. This is scary. The only thing that I can do is gulp my emotions down and act as normally as I can. There’s no point in making this any worse than it already is. I smile and nod, hoping that Logan won’t be able to see through the façade.

“Oh right, well that’s great. It shouldn’t be too much longer then, I bet you are hungry!”

“I am, but I want to play airplanes…” Then, just like that he switches back into playing mode.

I play with him, acting the fool as we both run around pretending to be planes. If I’m honest, I don’t really know what the game is, there seems to be some sort of complicated plot to it, but I’m just going with it…

“Food is done!” Kade yells from the kitchen, causing Logan to race in there rapidly.

I follow behind, but I’m much less sure. As I see Kade standing there holding out two plates, my heart skips about ten beats. He looks so good like that, he makes me shudder all over.

“You are eating with us too?” I ask quietly, while glancing upwards for only a second. “Aren’t you?”

His eyes widen with surprise. “Oh, well I have made plenty so I suppose I could do…”

I don’t know if he was expecting to or not, but I nod and insist that he should do. He grabs himself a plate and sits at the dining table with me and my son… our son. For the first time ever, we’re a real family and no one knows it but me. It’s the oddest sensation in the whole damn world. I can barely look at anyone because I’m all confused inside. I keep my eyes fixed on the plate below me as I eat very rapidly.

Logan and Kade don’t have the same issue. They chat away non stop. It’s only me who’s freaking out. They discuss cars, airplanes, kicking balls… all sorts of random stuff. Guy stuff, really. Not that I haven’t been able to talk to this stuff with Logan. I’ve done just fine, thank you very much, but he is enjoying the male company. My son’s eyes have lit up with excitement. He’s really loving having Kade here.

“Are you okay?” Kade asks me in the end, grabbing my focus. “You’re very quiet.”

He looks upset, like I might be regretting my decision to have him here for dinner which isn’t my issue at all. I force a giant smile onto my face and shake my head. “I’m fine, thank you. This is lovely. Thank you for taking the time to cook it. I really do appreciate it. I know that you didn’t have to do that,”

We share an intense look, one that I’m not sure what it means, but it makes me shiver violently. He does things to my body without even touching me. I wonder what it would be like to have his hands all over my body once more…