I sit in the window of the café, clutching onto my coffee cup as I wait for Lucie to appear. I came early, wanting to be the first one here. Part of that is nerves, part of it’s excitement. It’s weird, I hardly slept a wink last night just thinking about what it’s going to be like. Messaging her has been fun, it seems like it’s going to be easy between us but I suppose I can’t be sure. Face to face might be very different.

The world goes by, people hurry past in their own little existences hurrying from place to place. It reminds me of a game that I used to play with Lucie when we would try to work out what people were doing. It was her more than me, which I guess is a part of her creative brain in action. She always excelled in English, particularly story telling. I imagine that’s she studies that at college now… how weird that I don’t know.

She’s going to pick her kids up from their father’s house, I think as I see one woman. After a messy divorce, they’re finally co parenting effectively, but she’s always worried that something might rock the boat. He is off to a business meeting where he’ll have to do a presentation about figures he doesn’t even understand. I scan my eyes around, trying to find my next interesting subject. That girl has just found out that she’s having a baby, but she can’t even remember the name of the one night stand she had at a house party…

“Hey there!” Lucie’s sweet voice breaks through my thoughts and makes me jump. “What are you thinking about? You look a million miles away. I said hey when I came in and you didn’t even acknowledge me.”

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry.” I feel my cheeks heat up with embarrassment. I decide to admit the truth, just to make it a little bit easier. “I was playing the game that we used to, working out people’s lives.”

“Oh, my goodness!” She slides into the chair next to me. “I haven’t played that in forever. I’m well up for a round now, let’s do it. I might need to get back into the swing of things though, so give me a chance.”

We play for a while, and I have to admit that it works really well. Without even meaning to, I broke the ice between us and made it simpler for us to get back to that place where we’re just good friends. As she talks, I love the way Lucie’s face gets really animated. She’s always like that when she’s passionate about something, I can’t believe I forgot about that. She’s got the best expressions of anyone I know.

Finally, we have to turn onto other subjects. “So, how are your studies going?” she asks while sipping her forth cup of coffee. Not that this is a date, but I usually take girls out to drink booze, and I’m finding it a shock how much I’m enjoying myself. “Is college everything you hoped it would be and more?”

“I don’t know about that.” I laugh awkwardly. “I suppose I don’t really do much of the college stuff.”

“Yeah, I have heard.” She smirks at me, and it’s a lovely face. “You’re more into the social stuff.”

When she says it like that, the fun loving life that I’ve built up for myself sounds dumb. I don’t want Lucie to think that I’m a shallow idiot. She used to look at me like I was awesome, like I was someone she could look up to, and now she knows that I’m not. She sees right through me. Everyone else hears my family name and sees my wallet and bases their assumptions on that. Not Lucie, she still sees what’s underneath. Only what’s inside now isn’t as good as what it used to be. It’s actually a little lame.

“Are you studying English?” I blurt out, needing to change the subject before I crack.

“I certainly am, just like I always said I was.” She glances down, looking a little sad. “I struggle with it more than I want to though, I think others find it a lot easier than I do which sucks. I don’t like to be last.”

“Oh, Lucie.” Her self deprecating nature amuses me. “You’re too smart for words. Everyone struggles at college, that’s just a fact of life. I’m sure they all just hide it better than you do.”

“Hmm, I really hope you’re right.” She doesn’t look convinced at all. Her furrowed eyebrows say it all.

“It’s your face,” I insist. “You can’t disguise anything. It’s always been a problem for you.”

Lucie gives me an intense stare, one that I can’t actually decipher despite my big words. I can tell that it’s important, but that’s about it. Everything else is a mystery, and one that I’m not keen on at all. I want to understand, I want to peel back her layers and I know her as well as I do myself again.

“I think I’m better at hiding things that you think,” she replies, unhelpfully. “So, how are your parents? It’s been a while since I saw them.” Her quick subject change has me curious, but I won’t push her for now.

“Dad is doing well, he works harder than he needs to since things have been running smoothly for decades… but you know what he’s like.” She can laugh at that because she really does. “And Mom keeps herself busy. She always has vacations to plan so that makes her happy. She sure loves the sun.”

“Oh, yeah, do you remember when she came back sunburnt from Turkey and she loved it?” Lucie howls with laughter and I can’t help but join in. “She looked like a lobster, it was amazing!”

“I know, she’s nuts. Honestly, I’m always telling her to stop it but she’s so stubborn.” It feels better than I thought it would to talk to someone who understands my crazy life. “And how about your parents?”

“Dad has been away on business, I think he’s trying to expand things.” I feel sorry for Mr. Smith, he never stops trying and he hasn’t ever found the same success as my dad. But then he started his finance company himself and he’s built it from the ground up. He’s doing well. I wish my dad would hire him, that’d make a huge difference, but he wants to stick to the finance company he’s always used. Whether that’s stubbornness or a good business decision I will never know. “And Devon keeps Mom busy.”

Devon, their unexpected baby who came along nine years ago. As far as I remember, he’s a great kid but I suppose that could’ve changed. A lot can happen over time, and it’s been a really long time.

“He is?” I ask curiously while chewing on my cake slice. “Has he turned into a monkey?”

“Oh, so much.” Lucie smiles serenely to herself, loving her brother despite anything. “He’s a bit of a nightmare actually, he’s become a little bit like we were back then. A total hooligan.”

“Your poor mom.” I shake my head in amusement. “Going through this again. I think I’m the reason my mom wouldn’t have anymore children. She can’t go through all that a second time.”

“I don’t blame her! There was a long time where we never did what we were told.”

An awkward silence clings to the air. Lucie looks at me and I do her. All this reminiscing is bringing us back to the moment where I fucked up and I feel like I need to address it. If I don’t do it soon then the moment will pass and it’ll become this elephant in the room. If that happens then we might destroy our friendship from the inside out. I’m going to have to suck it up and swallow down my pride. Even if I can’t.

“You know, I am sorry,” I tell he stiffly. I sound a bit like a robot but I can’t seem to stop it. Being sincere and sounding it isn’t easy. “I didn’t mean to be a dick back then and wreck our friendship.”

“Oh.” Her eyes widen in surprise. I can tell she didn’t expect me to say that. Maybe I overstepped a mark doing so. I wish I could reel the words back in but I can’t. “Well, that’s good of you, but it’s okay. It was a long time ago, we don’t have anything to worry about. It’s fine, this is a fresh start.”

She nods slowly and we continue to look at each other for a few moments longer. As we do I can feel something shift in the air. It’s almost like the atmosphere has transformed into something that might be… sexy. I know I’m not supposed to feel anything like that for her, but I can’t stop it.

Eventually, we return to normal conversation and everything flows well, but I still can’t shake off that feeling. There’s something different about the way I look at Lucie these days, I can’t deny it to myself. And not just different from how I used to look at her, but different to how I look at other girls too. I see them as conquests, just a part of the fun, but with Lucie there’s much more too her. It’s deeper.

“Okay, we’re going to have to leave now,” Lucie finally bursts out into laughter. “I cannot drink another cup of coffee or I’ll be up all night long. Plus, you probably have a party to get to, right?”

As she stands and she grabs her bag, I want to grab her to beg her to stay with me, but I don’t. I continue acting like as normal a person as I can manage to be. I join her and stand up too, knowing that it’s over.

“Oh yeah, you know me so well don’t you?” I tease back. “Partying all the damn time, that’s all I do.”

She laughs, not taking any offence to my remark and we make our way outside. Once the ice cool air hits my face, I stop dead and I grab onto Lucie’s arm. I turn her around to face me. Her face screws up in confusion.

“Lucie, can we do this again sometime?” I ask her very seriously. “It’s been really fun.”

“Oh yeah, sure, of course we can. I’ve had a really good time. It’s been fun to catch up and stuff.”

I breathe in deep, inhaling her citrussy scent, and as I do something shifts within me. I don’t even know what it is, but combined with the hormones from that moment we shared inside it turns into adrenaline. I find my head leaning in without me even thinking about it. My lips purse out and they begin to buzz with excitement. There’s a small voice in my brain screaming at me to not do this, that she might reject me, but I don’t stop. It’s almost as if an animal unleashes inside of me and it takes over me completely.

But then something magical happens, something so incredible I don’t know what to do with it. Lucie’s expression glazes over and she leans in too. She caves to the carnal lust and she slides in towards me. Our lips crash together and endless fireworks bust and explode within me. My entire chest heats up with lust and something else too… something else I haven’t felt before and I don’t really understand. But it feels great. I deepen the kiss, darting my tongue into her mouth to really explore her everywhere.

Oh my God, what am I doing? I ask myself as my hand hooks around the back of her neck. What is happening here? Why am I kissing Lucie? And why the hell does it feel so damn good?