It starts with a prickle at the back of my neck, demanding that I give it my attention. I know for certain that there’s only one set of eyes that can give me that sensation and it’s the person that I’m not quite ready to deal with just yet. I wanted to get in this party, to settle down, then to hunt him out in my own time, but it seems that I’m not going to get that chance. Finally, after five years, I’m about to see Kade Roberts again…

I turn slowly, focusing on keeping my breathing even as I do. There’s a shake rocking through my entire body, disguising any confidence that my brand new dress gave me when I first put it on. I’ve grown up, I’ve had a baby, my body has changed. I wonder if he’ll still like me… no, I shouldn’t be worried about that at all. That’s silly, childish stuff. Instead I should be concerned with how much I like him and whether or not he’s worthwhile. Mom just came to take Logan to the toilet, but she’ll be back in a moment and father and son will be face to face for the very first time ever. God, that’s a thought that terrifies me to the core.

You’ve been preparing yourself for this, I warn myself. It will be fine if I just stay calm…

But as I spot Kade, and I see the wonderful vision of the man in front of my, my heart skips a beat. He’s changed too, he’s grown up a lot, and he looks really good for it. There’s even a shiver of lust inside of me as I see him which is incredibly inappropriate, but I can’t help the involuntary way that I feel.

Just… be… cool. I make myself smile, but the sensation feels alien. It’s almost as if I haven’t ever smiled before and I don’t really know how to do it which is crazy. I’m a very happy person, smiling all the time!

“Oh, hey, Lucie.” Kade looks anxious, but he makes his way over to me. “It’s good to see you here.”

I extend my hand out for him to shake it. As his hand slides into mine, electricity bolts right through my system. I guess there’s still something there between us after all this time which is ridiculous. I’m starting to think that it won’t ever go. Urgh, I’m always going to have something for the guy that I can’t have.

“Hi, Kade. It’s good to see you too. It’s been a very long time, hasn’t it? Did you have a good time?”

I can see guilt cross his face, I wonder if that’s to do with me and the terrible way that he left things. Of course, he didn’t know what he was leaving behind when he left the country, he didn’t know that his seed was growing inside of me, and that I would be left a single mom because of his actions. But still he feels bad.

“I erm, yeah, well I didn’t really travel for a good time, it was for business. I’m sure you know what happened.” At least he’s sticking to this safe topic of conversation, rather than talking about us. I don’t think that I would be able to handle that right now! “Dad wanted me to learn because I got kicked out of college.”

“Yeah.” I nod slowly. “I did hear about that, but not for a while. No one knew at first, it was a mystery.”

He smiles to himself, probably remembering the fast spreading gossip trail that college brought with it. “Yeah, I bet it lit everyone on fire for a while, didn’t it? None of them tried to ask me directly though.”

Oh… now it’s my turn to feel guilty because I’m one of them that didn’t think to ask. I got so wrapped up in my own issues – understandably so, considering what was going on with me – but it meant that I neglected him. I try to work out if he’s mad at me or not, but he doesn’t really seem to be so that’s good.

“Well, whatever you did during your time abroad, you must have done well because now you’re in charge of the company, right?” I give him a little nudge. “Am I right to assume that, or is that more gossip?”

“No, that’s right.” Thank goodness, now he looks proud. I much prefer that expression on his face than the guilty one. It brings out his incredible, handsome looks. “Not yet, I’m joint in charge with my dad at the moment, but he’s drawn up the contract to put me in control as soon as he retires. So, I will be soon.”

“That’s amazing, I’m so happy for you. I know that this is something you’ve always wanted.”

“And I can do it better now.” The more he talks about the business, the more animated he becomes. His passion shines through with his words. “I’ve seen how every aspect of it work so I know it inside and out. I have some amazing ideas too, I can’t wait to start implementing them. Of course, for now I’m just learning the ropes, but soon I’ll have much more power. For instance, when I was in London…”

“You were in London?” I interrupt him without thinking about it. “I didn’t know you went to Europe.”

I wonder if he remembers our conversation on that fateful night when I told him about my own desire to travel to London. Of course, that’s a pipe dream now, I have Logan to think about so I can’t galivant around the world at whim, I gave that right up when I made my decision, but it’s funny to think that at least one of us went to England, even if it wasn’t the right one of us! I don’t think I even mind, I’m kinda pleased.

“I did,” he replies bashfully. “And I went to see Buckingham Palace because I thought you would like it. I have some photographs to show you, if you would like? They’re in my bedroom but we can escape…”

Oh my God, an offer to go to his room alone. There’s still a part of me that wants to go, even though I know it will only end in trouble. I guess I still can’t quite let the fantasy go, however hard I try.

“Oh, maybe in a bit.” I try to blow him off gently. “I have to go and find my mom in a bit…”

This is the moment, I could bring up Logan right now and it would be pretty seamless too, but I don’t. Something stops me, it’s as if I have cork in my mouth, stopping anything from spilling out. I hate keeping such a huge part of my life from the guy who was once my very best friend, especially when it involves him directly, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t make myself tell the truth. I want to, I really do…

“Yeah okay, sure.” He shakes his head as a redness tinges his cheeks. I’ve accidently embarrassed him which upsets me a lot. I didn’t mean to do that! “Of course, later. This is a party after all.” The strangled laugh that he lets out only makes me feel even worse. “And it’s in my honor so I should be here. It was wrong of me to ask you, I wasn’t trying to…” His words trail off, he doesn’t know what to say. “So, what do you do?”

Urgh, that’s even worse. That’s a dreaded question that I really cannot answer. I purse my lips together thoughtfully as I attempt to work out the best way to word this. I’m going to have to say something…

“No, wait, let me guess.” I nod, only because it gives me more time to think. “You are a teacher?” I shake my head no. “A writer? A journalist? A blogger?” No, no, no. I wanted to be some of those things, I might still want to be some of those things but I can’t right now. “Okay, so you own a store? You publish books? You run poetry slams for angsty teens who need somewhere to vent? Oh, come on,” he laughs. “You’ve got to give me something here. It’s something that uses your college education, right? I know you, Lucie Smith, and you are the one person who will put her bad ass education to good use, no matter what…”

“No.” I need to put a stop to this before my real answer angers him. I still have no idea how he’s going to react, he’s being all nice now but that could flip over in a heart beat. “I don’t do anything with my qualification, actually, my life took a bit of a different path.” I suck in a deep, calming breath to prepare myself…

“Mommy!” All of a sudden, Logan rushes over and he jumps up into my arms, answering my question for me. I hold my darling son close to my chest, inhaling his scent for comfort as I peer over him to see Kade and his stunned reaction. He’s gone a funny shade of pale… “Mommy, I just had some chocolate.”

“Oh, you did, did you?” I see Kade open and close his mouth a couple of times, he’s shocked, so I need to focus on Logan while I give him a couple of moments to process all of this. It’s okay, it took me some time to process this all too. “And who gave you that? Was it Nanny because if so, she’s in trouble…?”

Logan laughs and shows me his chocolate stained teeth. “No, it was Mrs. Roberts.”

I dare another peek at Kade, I want to know if he’s put two and two together yet. To me, it’s acutely obvious, it’s like looking at two of the same face, but I can’t work out if he’s clocked or not. He’s blank, there isn’t anything there behind his gaze, it’s almost as if he’s switched off completely. I’m going to need some kind of reaction from him soon or I’ll start to seriously worry about him. This doesn’t seem normal.

“I… I have to go,” Kade eventually rasps, barely finding his voice. “I need to get another drink.” He gulps noisily. “And to help Mom with some stuff. You… you enjoy the party and I might catch up with you later.”

With that, he vanishes, abandoning me again. Logan scared him, and I don’t know if that’s because he figured out the truth or not, but I suppose it doesn’t matter. He’s gone, he didn’t even ask me any questions or want to know why. He knows I have a child, he’s aware that we had sex, and he’s vanished. I was right not to tell him, all the guilt and worry that I’ve felt over the years is gone. I made the right choice.

“Is everything alright?” Mom asks me, while resting her hand on my shoulder. “What happened?”

“I didn’t even get to tell him,” I whisper to her so Logan doesn’t pick anything up. “He just ran without even waiting to find out.” Angry tears prick my eyes. “I don’t think he has grown up after all.”

Mom embraces me and Logan, hugging us in all the love that we need. We’ve come this far without him, we can keep on moving forward. I don’t need him, nor does Logan. We have each other and we have my family. Now that I’ve seen what Kade’s reaction will be, I don’t see any point in rocking the boat.

“I don’t want to say too much longer,” I tell Mom. “We’ll just keep it a bit longer to be polite, but then I want to go.”

In a way, Kade’s reaction has freed me. I’ve waited for him for far too long, even without knowing it. But no more. Now I’m going to live my life for me and my son.