Just Salty Sebass
WE FLY BACK EARLY ON Sunday after playing an awesome show in LA. The crowd was wild and the swing dancing was intense. We don’t always have people dancing at our shows, but some clubs have us play solely so people can dance. It’s great fun. Not so fun having to get up at six the next morning to catch a flight but it is a part of life on the road.
“Ugh, we don’t have to be at the winery until this afternoon, why are we on such an early flight?” Lia asks, apparently forgetting she’s the one that booked our flights.
“Just in case something goes wrong, I guess,” I answer and look at Frank who is sitting next to me. He’s not looking forward to going back to the Thirsty Monkey because it’s where he and Mikey met and fell in love. Sebastian promised him she won’t be there but I can see that it would still be painful. “Or just to irritate yourself.”
“Ugh, I do irritate myself on the daily,” she says trying to get comfortable in the small seat next to me. “I can’t believe I’m this uncomfortable and I’m not even really pregnant yet.”
“Here. Take my pillow and use my fleece to keep warm,” I hand her these items and help her get situated.
She tears up. “Joe, you’re the best, okay? If Betsy can’t handle that she’s a dummy.”
“Thanks, Li Li,” I say smiling as I tuck my fleece jacket around her.
* * *
We ride up to the Thirsty Monkey together in Andrew’s roomy SUV and everyone is pretty quiet during the hour-long trip. We are tired from the southern California trip and it’s nice to just stare out the window and enjoy the beauty that is Marin and Sonoma. When we pull up, we are greeted by Seawitch, a beautiful golden retriever that is the winery’s dog. Since we spent a few months here, she recognizes us and is jumping like a kangaroo at our arrival.
“Witchy-poo, calm down!” Lia coos, scratching behind the dog’s ear to get her to chill.
Sebastian and a very petite dark-haired woman dressed in skinny jeans, cowboy boots, and a black coat is with him. She looks very young but it might be because she’s so small in stature. She has a warm welcoming smile but when Sebass puts his hand on her elbow she pulls back quickly and frowns.
“Hey guys, so good to see you,” Sebastian says as he reaches us, and we exchange bro hugs and handshakes. “This is our intern, Kit.” He turns to her. “Kit, this is Joe, Lia, Andrew, and Fucking Frank.” He gestures to each of us and we all greet her in kind.
“Nice to meet you all. I was disappointed to have missed your residency this past summer, so I’m happy I get to see you tonight.” Her voice is low and raspy and not at all fitting of her small size. I watch Sebastian as she speaks and he is staring at her like she’s a whole snack. I’ve known him for a long time and he is a stand-up person but he’s a dick to women he likes romantically. Frank and I have tried to figure it out because it went against how he was with women who were friends and everyone else. Our best guess was he was petrified of his feelings and so he tried to push them away instead of encouraging them. It has backfired on him since some women dig assholes.
I can tell he really likes Kit because he gives her a look and then says this: “Don’t worry, Kit is 25 even though the looks like she’s still in high school.”
Lia smacks the back of Sebastian’s head and we all laugh. “What the fucking Phil Collins is wrong with you?”
This gets a wide smile from Kit as Sebastian rubs his head. “Thanks for that. I’m not at the violence point with Salty here, but it’s close.”
Our collective eyebrows go up at the nickname. If I had to describe Sebass, I wouldn’t think to use salty. He is a pretty basic dude. We all met in our high school that specialized in the arts. Frank and I were there for music and Sebass was there for art. He graduated from Stanford with an art degree and a business degree. He’s a lot like Jack, an evil genius, and tends to be serious, but not salty. When he opened the winery, I’ve never seen him happier and still is. Over the summer he was a genial host, greeting everyone who he met with genuine interest and warmth.
“Salty, eh?” Andrew asks. “Has our Sebass been mistreating his employees since we were last here or does he just have a massive crush on you?”
Everyone with the exception of Sebastian laughs, even Kit. Oh shit, he’s in trouble with this one. Her blue eyes narrow at him and he shrugs. “I treat her like I treat everyone else,” he mumbles.
“So, Joe here is in love with a client and she can’t stand him,” Frank says, changing the subject and I can’t be too mad at him, Sebastian was looking miserable. I’m cornering him later to get the deets though.
“It’s true, I have finally caught Frank’s dreaded unrequited love disease.” Frank punches my arm and I flex. “We are formulating a plan to get her back on the Joe train, though, so I’m not too worried.” I’m totally worried but fake it ’til you make it, right?
“Let’s get you guys all set up and then we can drink some wine and you can catch me up on all your pathetic love lives,” Sebass says and we grab our gear and follow him into the main building.
After we are set up, it’s mild enough for November that we are able to sit outside at the long table and enjoy some wine and cheese. Kit tells us she’s going to have some down time before the party and retreats to one of the live-in cabins.
The minute she is out of earshot we are on poor Sebastian. “How did you find her?” Lia asks.
“Where did she come from?” Frank says at the same time.
“Yes, what they said,” I chime in for good measure and to be extra obnoxious.
Sebass sighs and smiles at us. “Mikey hired her and it’s been the best and worst thing ever.”
“Why the worst?” I ask because we all know the best. Kit is gorgeous, smart, and funny. “You’re awesome and Kit is fucking rad. What’s the issue?”
“That she is,” he agrees. “Except I’m her boss and me having a boner for her is extremely inappropriate.”
“Pretty sure you wielding your boner at anyone would be deemed inappropriate. You’re the owner though, can’t you make an exception of yourself?” Lia asks.
“Is that why you’ve been salty to her?” Andrew asks. “That’s your nickname forever now, you know.”
“I figured as much when you all took your phones out at once to change my name in your contacts,” Sebastian says and laughs. “I’m way too old for her and I’m sure she pretty much hates me anyway. I mean, you heard me say shit while she was there, I can’t help myself.”
“I blame that birch, Wendy, for fucking you up,” Lia says. Shortly after we met Lia, Sebastian caught his long-time girlfriend, Wendy, giving a guy a blow job in a car parked in front of their apartment. “You were your lovely, kind, and gentlemanly self with her and she betrayed you horribly. Since then you’ve been a prick to every woman you’ve gotten a half chub for.”
“It’s called a defense mechanism,” Frank chimes in. Everybody is a fucking therapist when it comes to the other person’s problems, conveniently ignoring their own. The whole band is guilty of it, most of all me. “He’s a jack wagon to every lady he likes so he doesn’t have to get hurt.”
“Thanks, Dr. Fucking Frank,” Sebass says with a chuckle. “You’re mostly right. Kit really is off limits though. She’s training to be the new wine maker’s assistant and so she’s not even temporary like a regular intern. I’m partially responsible for whether she gets a really awesome job. I can’t fuck that up for her and if I make a move on her it will most definitely fuck it up. It’s already mostly fucked up anyway.” As he says this, he mumbles something we can’t hear because he puts his head in his hands.
“Enough about Salty, let’s talk about Joe and Betsy,” Lia says clapping her hands together. “I love it, all my boys are on the road to love.”
“Yet not one of us is technically with anyone,” Frank says because he’s a fucking Debbie Downer realist. “Mikey won’t talk to me and Betsy and Joe are apart. If this is the road to love it’s very poorly paved.”
“Steamrollers are coming, Frankenfooter, fear not.” Lia dismisses him with a wave. “Oh shit,” she says an idea dawning in her eyes.
“Evil is brewing, my friends, everyone run,” I say and everyone but Lia laughs.