Just the Big Number
THE SONG I’M SUPPOSED TO strip to was discussed ad nauseam. It was universally decided that everyone would dance to We are Family by Sister Sledge but the song I was to woo back my bestie was harder to pick. A few good ideas were offered and then there were the hurtful ones by Frank and my brother. They like to gang up on me sometimes. We met at our house the day we got back from Portland and brainstormed and had a mini rehearsal in my music room. Frank wrote a song for Mikey and we were learning it so we can surprise her at a show. Since I’m going for the big gesture, he’s decided to suck it up and go see Mikey on Friday, after our Ireland’s 32 show this Thursday.
Turns out Mikey got her grand gesture in before all of us. Leave it to the ladies to be one step ahead of us. We were doing a request night and when Lia had Frank pick a song, there was only one and it was the one he wrote for his woman. He looked up and there she was. Lia sang the song and it had a different ending giving Frank some good news. I think it’s good, he looked a little shocked, but hey that’s his story. I’m just glad he’s happy (relatively) and will be mildly pleasant to be around.
I spend all day Friday and Saturday rehearsing my dance. When I call Frank to see if he’ll lend me his skimpy surfing bathing suit for my routine, he tells me to go fuck myself. So, I get in the truck and head to a few stores until I hit the mother load in the Castro at a store called Knobs. There I find a pair of black sparkly booty shorts with a sequined flamingo right on my dick. I know, perfect, right? Even better they have a bow tie with flamingos on it so I buy that too. Jack says it’s too Chippendale’s but I like it and I’m sure Betsy will get a kick out of it.
God, what if she thinks I’m making fun of her? What if she hates it? I can’t over think. If I can’t move her with flamingo hot pants, then she’s made of ice. I choose to wear my tuxedo as my outerwear and convince everyone else to wear their formal stuff. When Lia arrives, she is wearing a hot pink sequin dress and her hair is up and looks complicated.
“Did you get Paul to do your hair?” I ask as she sits at the kitchen bar. I place a glass of ginger ale in front of her and she smiles.
“I did, he should be here in a few. I promised him he could come. When I told him you were stripping down to hot pants, he begged me.” Lia’s friend Paul is great. He is brilliant, and funny, and can help me.
“Oh awesome, I’m going to ask him to oil my chest,” I say.
Lia’s eyes pop wide open. “Are you sure? I mean, I can do it if it’s weird.”
“Why would it be weird? I know Paul admires my body, but everyone does, doesn’t mean he’s going to attack me.” I grew up here in San Francisco and have zero hang-ups about anyone’s sexuality. I just don’t roll that way. If you pressed me, I’d even tell you about a pretty wild night I had in college where I made out with a guy for hours. “If Paul wants to ogle me, he’s free to, it doesn’t bother me. He has a nice little butt I like to stare at too. I was just trying to spare your horny prego ass.”
Lia smirks, “You guys are way too much alike. He’s going to have a mini heart attack when you ask him to oil you up.”
“What’s this about oiling someone up?” Speak of the devil. Paul breezes in looking stylish and fancy in his tuxedo.
“Wow, you look smashing, Paulie,” Lia says and he does a little catwalk and twirl for us.
“I know you said I didn’t have to wear my tux, but I’ll take any excuse to throw my Armani on, birch.” He fake flips his hair and turns to me. “Please tell me I get to see what’s under this robe, Joe.” He makes prayer hands and puppy dog eyes at me.
“Yes, come with me now,” I take his hand and bring him to my room. “I want you to oil me up.” I hand him the oil I bought at a store next to where I got my hot pants.
He quickly whips his jacket off and rolls up his sleeves. I hand him a clean robe he can wear so he doesn’t get any on his beautiful suit. I laugh at his eagerness. “This is like a wish come true,” he whimpers.
“I’m happy to grant your wish,” I say. “There’s no one else I’d trust to do a thorough job.”
“Jesus, hold on I have to text Dante,” he says and takes his phone out, snaps a picture of me in my hot pants and bow tie, and texts it to his husband. His phone pings immediately. “Dante says whatever you’re selling, he’s buying. I think you’re going to blow Betsy’s hair back for sure.”
“Thanks, Paul,” I say as he squirts oil on my chest.
* * *
We’ve managed to keep Betsy in the dark during the first half of the show. Lia worked her magic with the owner of the theater and we were able to talk to the other performers and they were delighted to help. They all love Betsy. Her software job was even easier. Her boss was already in love with me because I sent wieners, and turns out they all adore her there too. Jeannette, Don, Luz, Marisol, and Denver are all here too, as well as the band. They have us in a private room behind the balcony and during the intermission is when we make our move.
When the lights go up, we get a text from Eugenio, the simulated sex guy, turns out he’s gay and has been rooting for me the whole time.
Eugenio: The bird has left the nest.
Me: Cute, the flock is heading south then.
Eugenio: Nice. Go to stage left since she’s going the other way.
We get to the stage and the band quickly sets up behind the curtain. All the people in Betsy’s life also get on stage. They are in all pastel colors, like the many different shades of her hair. When I took a peek out of our room during her sparkle tits routine, I was able to see she’s back to the light blue hair that makes her eyes look silver and otherworldly. I’m nervous and I can’t decide if I’m more nervous about the We Are Family dance or my solo number. There’s a middle curtain and that one goes down behind the band but in front of the crowd of Betsy’s people. The only person in front is Jeannette. She admitted to Lia that she was a ballerina in her younger years and missed the stage so she volunteered to be out in the spotlight first. She is beautiful in a light coral dress with a matching hat. There are no shoes on her feet and everyone else agreed to go barefoot.
The curtain goes up as we begin to play and Lia sings the opening refrain at a bit of a slower tempo than the original. I see Betsy sitting at a table in the front row looking completely bewildered and then shocked when she sees Jeannette standing in first position with her arms gracefully above her head. Her smile is wide and her eyes are watery when Jeannette starts dancing. Her head turns to me and the smile I get sets me at ease.
“Bets, we are your family and we just wanted to let you know how much we love you,” Lia says before jumping into the rest of the song.
One after another all of the people who care for Betsy appear from behind the middle curtain. They each do a little dance move and Betsy is loving every minute. She is laughing, crying and clapping at all the love. When her boss comes out and starts to twerk, she falls off her chair she’s laughing so hard. Her dancing friends try not to upstage everyone else too much but they do get everyone organized into a kick line and that is a big hit with the audience and Betsy.
Finally, Jack, who has been hiding behind Frank and his standup bass, slinks out onto the floor. He does some pretty great dance moves and then some acrobatics. Betsy has her hands over her mouth but her eyes are smiling despite the tears running down her cheeks. He joins the kick line and then Lia steps down. She shimmies in her pink dress and flings her feathery cream-colored boa around. Frank follows putting his bass down and does an impressive worm. I can hear Jen and Mikey whooping when he finishes and jumps up to join the kick line. They are sitting with Betsy. They held the table through the first half of the show since Betsy had never met them. Last but not least, Andrew flicks his drumsticks up and does his awkward hip thrusting dance we always beg him to stop doing, including his daughter, Mae.
I’m left alone on the side of the stage still playing the guitar and everyone kicking. I do a little gyrating just to tease the crowd and I get a healthy response. I end the song and the kicking stops but the line of people stay put. Slowly, I take my guitar off and return to the mic.
“Let’s hear it for our beautiful Betsy,” I say, pointing in her direction and everyone applauds when the spotlight goes to her. “We wanted to let you know, B, that we know your biological family sucks, but your San Francisco family can’t be denied. We are family, and you are loved.”
I stare right at her and she her tears are flowing now. “You are most loved by me,” I say, my voice cracking at the end. “So, what better way to show you my love by shedding what speck of shame I have left.”
The lights go down and all of the people in the kick line turn their personal set of sparkly twinkle lights on. Most have them around their neck but some, like Fucking Frank, Don, and Jack, have them in other places. Don has his around his hips and dangling in front of his crotch the old pervert. Frank has his around his head like a halo, and Jack has his wrapped around his thigh. The best is Jeannette though because she made hers into a bra.
While Betsy is distracted by the lights, I step to the middle of the stage and flick my bowtie and turn my own lights on. Mine are wrapped around the tie and drape down my back like a cape. The spotlight hits me as the music starts and I begin to dance.