Once Upon a Present
There were only a handful of times I could remember that I’d actually felt real fear. The kind of fear that swelled in your gut and snuck up your spine until it paralyzed you—took your breath away. The kind of fear that burned the memories into your brain so each detail would never fade, so that it was as vivid as the day you’d felt it. For me, my first time was when I was a little boy and I’d lost my mother in the mall. I remembered hiding inside one of the clothing racks. Hide and seek, my mother and me, we’d played this game all the time. I had sat there, silent, thinking she’d find me at any moment. After a few minutes with no results, I had poked my head out and she was gone. Every bit of false safety I’d ever known had blown away into thin air when I’d ran through that store, screaming her name. I think we’d only been separated for a total of ten minutes, but to a five-year-old, it had been an eternity.
The second time was when I was fifteen and Declan had tried to kill himself. I’ll never forget the horror in Kieran’s voice as he cried out for help, or how I almost vomited when I’d stepped through Declan’s doorway and saw him… the color of his lips, the way the scissors had cut through the fabric too slowly… there are times, still to this day, that the sound of fabric being torn sets me on edge. After that day, life and death became a real fucking concept, and I made a promise to myself, to Dex, that he’d never choose death again.
The third time was when I’d finally told Kelly that I loved her. We’d only been together about a year, but I knew. Kelly had always been the one to take the ugly, twisted parts of me and swallow them down… make them her own. We’d had sex before, more times than I could even count. But this day, as her legs had shivered around my waist, I’d rested my forehead against her brows and I’d caught my breath. Still inside of her, I’d closed my eyes letting the fucking words spill from my mouth like an idiot. I’d opened myself up for the slaughter. It’d been the first time I’d ever said that shit to anyone besides my family, first time I’d ever felt truly vulnerable. The relief I felt when she said it back, it’s the same relief I was wishing for right now.
The hospital room felt too cold as I’d watched my mom sleep for the past thirty minutes. I’d gotten the call at work from Father Becker that my mother had been taken to the hospital by ambulance. That feeling, that slow moving death, it had gripped my spine and refused to let go. Even as I sat in this chair, not more than a few feet from her, fear kept its steadfast hold on me. All the tubes, the smell of stale urine, the incessant fucking beeping. If Kieran didn’t get here soon I was going to fall apart. He’d been an hour up north doing some shit for one of his friends when I’d gotten the call. Dex and Paige just left, and as I sat here, watching my mother’s frail body fight, fight for a life she’d already lost so much for, I wondered if I had ever really known what fear was until now.
The door to the hospital room creaked open and I lifted my gaze from her bed.
“I’m sorry it took me so long. What the hell happened?” Kieran’s eyes were bloodshot, his hair a mess. I’d refused to tell him exactly what was going on. I didn’t want him to fucking kill himself trying to get here. His eyes averted to the bed, to our mom, and he stopped mid-step. “Mom?” His voice cracked, and so did my heart.
“Don’t wake her. She finally fell asleep about thirty minutes ago.”
His eyes brimmed with tears as he sank into the chair next to me. He swallowed and dropped his head into his hands as he asked, “What happened, Liam?”
“Doc said she has a bad bladder infection or some shit, and it spread throughout her body. He said she’s septic and…” I sucked in a ragged breath and Kieran’s head shot up. His eyes drilling holes through mine. “She’s breathing on her own again. They had her on a ventilator until she started fighting it. It’s not hopeless, but it doesn’t look good.”
“Fuck that.” Kieran’s voice a strained whisper as his hand pulled through his dark hair.
The terror in his eyes broke me. I’d done everything, every—fucking—thing for this family, but I couldn’t stop death.
“They’re running tests, they took a lot of blood, little brother. The doc said they have her on heavy duty drugs.” I gripped his shoulder, hoping it anchored him, hoping it would anchor me. “She’s a fighter, always has been. All that praying you do, if there is a fucking God, maybe it’s time he listens.”
His eyes narrowed and a flash of anger crossed his pale irises. Kieran was always trying to save someone, and I’d grown tired of him trying to save me. Life proved to me time and time again no one was watching out for my ass.
The creases around his eyes softened. “I’ll have Father Becker hold a mass for her on Saturday.”
I had no doubt he wished he could’ve been the one to do it, but he’d given up his dream of becoming a priest ages ago. “She’d love that.”
Kieran turned his eyes back to the bed, and I watched his Adam’s apple bob as a tear fell down his face. I needed to get the hell out of this hospital room. “I gotta take a piss. I’ll be right back.” As I stood, every muscle in my body revolted. I stretched my arms behind my back as I asked, “Want a cup of coffee?”
He didn’t look at me. Kieran just shook his head and his posture, if possible, shrunk even more as he leaned back into the chair. The air of the hallway offered little relief. This hospital was a dump, run down with carpeted hallways that smelled like shit and a wet dog. There was little natural light, and the bleak white of the walls appeared to be shadowed with yellow. The bathroom was just a few doors down in the waiting room. My mother had been sent directly to the intermediate care unit from the ER. I was grateful she wasn’t on the intensive care unit, for some reason, that offered me a little solace.
The bathroom had two stalls and one sink. Everything, including the wet countertop was some shade of beige. It made my skin crawl. This was a hospital, not a damn gas station, but you’d never guess that by the smell in here. At least it was empty. I was thankful to be able to take a piss in peace and, when I finished, I washed my hands in the one sink provided. The smell of the soap stung my nose, the bright green color blended with the tattoos on my hands. The soap rinsed away and I let the water run, watching as the suds disappeared down the drain. I let myself zone out, forget everything for a few goddamn seconds until the door opened. Some tall, rich looking motherfucker wearing suit pants and a pressed navy blue button up walked in. His shirt was rolled up to his elbows, and his watch probably cost more than my Harley. He nodded his chin at me, gave me a polite smile as he walked by, and then disappeared into one of the stalls.
I rolled my eyes and leaned down, scooping water into my hands. I splashed my face and let the water trickle down my arms. The heat of it was almost scalding and, instead of wincing, I splashed more, needing to feel something other than this suffocating fear. I raised my eyes to the mirror. My eyes… my father’s eyes taunted me. My dark hair, my ink-covered skin, it didn’t matter what I did—I still looked like him. I wasn’t broken enough that I couldn’t see the differences. I drank alcohol, but I didn’t let it own me. I worked, and made sure everyone I loved was fucking taken care of. I may resemble him, but I was not him. My jaw clenched as I recited this shit in my head. Every day… every morning, I had to remind myself that he was only connected to me by blood, not by heart, not by love.
The toilet flushed inside the stall behind me as I grabbed a few paper towels from the dispenser and quickly wiped my hands and face. I threw the damp remains into the trashcan under the sink when the guy stepped out from the stall. I moved out of his way, but not before I got a giant whiff of his douchebag cologne. He smiled at me again, and before I could ignore it he said, “I hate hospitals.”
I nodded, not really sure what to say to some strange dude in a bathroom. I’m pretty sure guy code states, don’t fucking talk to me… I just took a shit. I turned to leave, but before I left I offered him a warning, “That water gets hot as fuck.” And walked out the door.
Kieran had moved his chair right next to Mom’s bed. Even though he declined my offer for coffee, I got the kid some anyway. Mom was awake, her eyes wide open and her fragile hand in Kieran’s. His head was down and he was reciting the Lord’s Prayer. I was surprised her eyes were open, but when they met mine, and her dry lips lifted into a small smile, I wondered if she was afraid to close her eyes more than she had to.
He finished with an amen and raised his head. “I got you some coffee.” I handed him the cup.
“Thanks.” Kieran’s tone was weak, and as he took the cup with his right hand, he wiped away a few tears with his left.
“You boys shouldn’t stay here all night. You have a shop to run.” My mother’s voice was thin and it wavered enough that my stomach bottomed out.
“I’m not leaving this chair until I take you home.” Kieran scooted his chair closer to the bed. It was like he was six all over again, throwing tantrums for some shit he’d never get.
“Honey…” Mom shook her head.
“I closed the shop early. It’s okay…” She started to click her tongue, ready to kick up a fuss in a damn hospital bed, but I stopped her. “Mom, you’re sick, and it’s really bad. You need your rest, don’t worry about us.”
“I’ll worry about you until the day I…” She let the words fade, and her head rolled to the side facing away from us. The blinds in her room were pulled shut, but she stared at them anyway.
“Declan came by while you were asleep. He brought Paige, too,” I offered trying to lighten the heavy mood.
My mom turned her head to the ceiling and closed her eyes. The room got so quiet I could hear the fear eating away at my walls, my façade. My throat ached as I watched tears fall from the corners of her eyes. “I’m sorry I missed them.” She choked out the sentence and gulped down some air as her eyes popped opened. “Those babies… what if I don’t get—”
“You will.” Kieran stood abruptly. I thought he was going to bolt or come out of his skin. Instead, the muscle in his jaw feathered and he sat on the bed carefully avoiding the IV lines. “It’s just an infection, a really bad one, but I know you’ll meet your grandbabies.”
Mom’s lips spread full across her face, her faith in Kieran, almost greater than her own faith in God. He leaned down and kissed her forehead, and my hands balled into fists. I wanted to know why all the good people got all the shit. Why someone like my mom was going to die before she should, before she got to see at least one of her sons get it right? At least she had Dex, she finally got to see him happy again.
At least she had that.
I was about to take a seat when the nurse walked in. She was wearing dark blue scrubs, her light hair pulled into a bun as tight as her features. Her eyes were too close together, and I didn’t like how her disapproving gaze glided lazily over my body. I was used to being judged, but this bitch, she was getting paid to take care of Mom… to treat us good. She gave me a curt nod and sighed as she squeezed past Kieran’s chair. Her frown deepened as she fiddled with the equipment by my mother’s bed.
“Everything alright?” I asked.
“I need to grab another bag of fluid,” she said to no one in particular. She flicked her eyes to Kieran, and then to me. “She should really rest.” Her ginger way of saying get the fuck out.
“Yes, you boys go home. I’ll see you tomorrow. Let me rest, let me get better for you.” My mother’s smile reached her eyes, and I thought, just maybe she might pull through this.
“Are you sure?” Kieran asked.
“Yes.” My mother’s smile didn’t waver, and Kieran bought it. He stood and moved the chair back to where it was.
The nurse promised my mother she’d be right back to change out one of the bags hanging from the IV pole and left us to say our goodbyes. When I kissed her forehead it felt too hot, too clammy, and my throat went dry. I didn’t want to leave, I wanted to stay, sleep in that fucking chair, and tell that nurse to fix her. Tell the doctors they had no choice but to make her live. Kieran pushed a piece of her gray hair behind her ear and said, “See you in the morning.”
We weren’t five steps out of her room before he said, “I think she looked good. She looked good, right?”
I shook my head thinking that he was delusional. “I think she perked up when you got there. You’ve always been her favorite.” I smirked and he shoved me in the shoulder.
“Nah, Declan is her favorite.”
I laughed. “That is so true. Fucker.”
I mashed the elevator button a few times with my thumb and Kieran chuckled. “You’re so damn impatient.”
“I need fresh air.”
He sobered his smile and said, “Yeah… I get it.”
The elevator doors slid open and we stepped inside. My attention was fixed on the panel of numbers and I pressed the button marked with a one when Kieran choked out a whispered, “Holy shit.”
“What?” I turned to face him and his eyes darted to me and then forward as his jaw set into a strict line.
The doors to the elevator started to shut, but they didn’t close fast enough. If anything, they moved in slow-fucking-motion. The preppy asshole from the bathroom was staring at her, his brows dipped in confusion, his hand in hers…
Every fire I’d put out three years ago burst into flames.
Kelly’s dark eyes were wide black pools set against pale skin as I glared at her through the small opening of the elevator doors… three seconds… and then she was gone.