Once Upon a Present
My mother was sitting in a small brown chair in the corner of his hospital room. Her eyes dry, her features creased into a permanent frown, a look that mapped out her life in deep crevasses of late nights, hard work, and physical pain. As her hands shook in her lap, my eyes trained on the yellowing of her pointer and middle fingers. She’d been smoking like a chimney since I’d gotten here four days ago. She chewed on her bottom lip and her knee bobbed up and down as the nurse removed my dad’s IV lines. My father was going to die. Mom had just given the doctor permission to stop treating him. He was in liver failure and drowning in his own fluid. Every breath he took was wet, and a dark part of me hoped it was as painful as it sounded.
The door opened and I pushed off the wall I was leaning against as Blake walked back into the room. My stomach turned as his face fell. He looked too clean, too formal for a place like this. His designer black slacks and button-down pressed to perfection. He looked like he was ready for a photo shoot, not my father’s funeral. Regardless, I was grateful that he was here. Blake played the part of the doting boyfriend, but we both knew once we were back in Los Angeles, things would either go back to the way they were, or he’d hit the road running.
I’d done my best to keep him away from my childhood and leave him in the dark as much as possible. We were staying at the Grand American Hotel in downtown Salt Lake and only ventured into the dirty part of my life to visit the hospital. But, as much as I hid my roots, the moment I’d stepped off the plane my silver lining had begun to tarnish and he saw me for what I was. A fake carbon copy collectible.
“Hey, babe, I’ve gotta catch my flight,” he whispered in my ear and took my hand in his. He lifted his eyes to my father’s putrid face and frowned.
Nausea curdled in my stomach. I couldn’t do this alone. I was selfish enough to make him come here for as long as I had, but I wouldn’t make him stay. He had to be on location tomorrow.
I nodded in silence, and he didn’t let go of my hand as I grabbed my bag from the small counter near the sink.
“Leaving?” my mother asked as her eyes dropped to our clasped hands.
“Blake has to work. I’m going to run him to the airport. I’ll be back…” I turned to leave and my mom’s sharp intake of breath stopped me short. “Do you want me to call Tracey and see if she left yet?”
Mom’s upper lip quivered as the nurse left the room. Her dark eyes fell to the floor as she said, “Nah, she texted me about twenty minutes ago. Erin had just got out of the shower, they should be here soon.”
My sister Tracey surprised us all and showed up two days ago with her partner Erin. My mom hadn’t heard from her after several attempts to get a hold of her and we both figured she’d decided not to come. Tracey and Erin were staying at Mom’s, and I admired Tracey for letting Erin in, showing her all the nasty bits. Blake’s cologne filled my lungs, and the rich feel of the fabric of his shirt dusted my arm. I flicked my gaze to his chiseled jaw, his pampered skin. He’d last all of two seconds in the Kavanagh family home before he ran for the hills or a shower to wash away all the poor.
He tugged my hand as I said, “Hang in there, Mom. Okay?”
“Let’s just hope he’s alive by the time you get back.”
My father’s eyes were closed, but, even now, my heart beat faster as I neared the bed. He’d been the cause of my nightmares for too long. The bloated, leathered man before me, it was sick, but as his breathing rattled my pulse eased.
“I won’t be long.” I squeezed Blake’s hand, and he offered his own condolences to my mother.
We left the room and he exhaled a heavy breath. “Shit, that was intense. Are you sure you don’t want me to grab a cab?”
I’d given Blake the bare bones of it all. He knew about Liam. He knew that I’d grown up in a hard life. He didn’t know specifics. He definitely didn’t know that my dad had abused me and my mom, or that I’d been secretly dreading and hoping for this day for as long as I could remember.
“No. I need to take a minute. I can’t breathe in there… it’s too—”
“He looks terrible.” He lifted our linked hands to his mouth, but his eyes never met mine. “I could stay.” The lie dripped from his lips onto my knuckles as he pulled away.
“We both know you can’t.” You won’t.
I was a callous bitch. I’d used him to distract me, to keep me doused in a physical flame every night since we landed so the mornings, the long days with my family would be easier to bear. Sex had a price, and as we both stared at each other, the cost of him coming here was written in the deep furrow of his brow.
“This doesn’t change anything. When you come back to L.A. everything will be right as rain.” His lips spread into a stiff smile.
My smile was just as practiced as I nodded. We walked hand in hand to the bank of elevators in silence. Blake’s hand felt wrong in mine, it always had, but I ignored the wayward push in order to cope through it all. It was the same with the guys before him. The past three years were a diversion from the truth. I belonged to Liam.
The bell of the elevator caught my attention and I increased my pace. The doors were still open, a lucky catch, but as we moved closer, Blake’s scent was muted by the smell of leather, earth, and wood smoke. My heart squeezed out a hard beat as the wave of nostalgia hit me, and I stumbled over my heels. Blake tried to pull me forward, but as the doors were sliding shut I saw them.
Kieran recognized me immediately, and his eyes widened. “Holy shit.”
No.
“What?” Liam’s voice… it wrapped around every bone and snapped me in two.
The elevator doors were slowly closing and a gap about a foot or more wide framed Liam’s face. His mouth, his eyes, those dark, beautiful, strong eyes hollowed out my stomach. Tears blurred my vision and, for just a split second, I’d hoped I’d imagined him. I felt the heat of Blake’s gaze and I ignored him, too afraid to look away. My skin felt cold as if all the blood had drained from my cheeks. Liam’s glare pinned me in place, ripped away my vocal cords and shredded the last remnants of my heart.
Three… two… one.
I was decimated.
The elevator doors closed completely and my knees buckled. Blake dropped my hand and gripped my waist. He swore under his breath as he enclosed my entire body in his arms. “Are you okay?”
The air was fire, and my lungs were scorched vellum. Blake’s smell was fuel to the fire. I shoved away from him, my legs gathering strength.
He was right there.
The parts of Liam, the ones I’d held onto, the remaining fragments of my soul broke free from the marrow as I felt the sob crack through my ribs.
Go.
The air whispered the temptation in my ear and all the hair on the back of my neck stood at attention. My chest hurt as I sucked in another breath and then another, avoiding Blake and the way he was looking at me, the way his eyes watched me, finally seeing through every last defense.
The warmth of his hands on my shoulders offered little comfort as he spoke, “You don’t have to leave… You won’t miss the chance to say goodbye.”
Blake’s face came into focus. His usually easy features were contorted with worry. He thought I was losing it because my father was dying. He thought I actually gave a shit. He didn’t know what Liam looked like. He didn’t know that the ghost of my past had been less than two feet away from me.
“I’m fine. I panicked, but I’m fine.” The lie was easy as I ran my hands down my beige sweater. I slid my fingers along the leather strap of my bag as I found my composure. “It’s overwhelming.”
He dropped his hold on my shoulders and tried to link my free hand with his. I pulled away and he slipped his hand in his pocket. His lips thinned and his jaw muscle tensed. “Kelly, I’m going to grab my shit from the rental and take a cab, okay. You need to be here with your family.”
“Blake, I—”
“Stop.” His lips spread into a phony smile. “I’m a big boy. I can get to the airport on my own.”
I should’ve protested. But Liam’s scent had gone faint, and I craved it, needed it. His image lingered in my peripheral vision as if I’d looked into a flash of a camera or gazed at the sun too long. His outline lingered.
“You’re right.” I gave him a small smile.
A shadow of hurt flickered across his eyes and his smile dimmed as he said, “Let’s grab my luggage.”
Blake kissed my cheek as the cab driver put his luggage in the trunk. “I’ll see you when you get back.”
“I’m sorry… about everything. I don’t think I could’ve made it through the past four days without you.”
He chuckled and his smile reached his eyes. “Yes, you would’ve.” He leaned in, his lips at my ear. “I was happy to be a distraction.”
When he pulled away, his eyes told a different story, but I let the guilt fade as my gaze drifted over his shoulder, searching, seeking. The same thing I’d done on our way to the car, and again as we’d waited for the cab. Liam had disappeared.
“Call me if you need anything,” he offered as he sat into the backseat.
I nodded as he shut the door and waited until he pulled away to leave. It didn’t take me long to get to my rental car. My legs had a mind of their own, and I was on autopilot. The spring rain fell against my windshield in giant drops at first, and as the miles between me and my final destination narrowed, the rain became an opaque sheet. My fingers white-knuckled the steering wheel as my eyes overflowed like the clouds above me. The pitch-black night, the curves and turns, they became treacherous the farther up the mountain I drove. The rain had become sleet, and I debated turning around. It would’ve been easier to go to Avenues, but something told me he wasn’t there.
By the time I got to our parking spot in Big Cottonwood Canyon, I was sobbing. The lot was empty and the path we’d ridden down so many times was overgrown. My headlights illuminated the trees around me, and I no longer recognized the place I’d once loved. I rested my forehead on the steering wheel, my ribs splitting with each breath, and let my eyes flood with all the overdue tears. He didn’t come here anymore. The trees were too dense, the way blocked. This had been the one place he’d found that offered him peace and I’d destroyed that for him, too.
“I can’t leave, Kelly. I can’t.”
“But you said—”
“I know what I fucking said!” Liam’s voice raised above the trees as he stood and jumped down from the rock. “Declan is sick, he’s fucking lost his mind. It’s been a year since that bitch left him, and he’s only getting worse. You can’t ask me to leave! Not yet.” He shoved his hands through his hair.
You can’t ask me to stay.
“Liam…” I slid down from the rock and his eyes held mine.
The storms he’d kept at bay every day just beneath his surface were finally starting to show, to tear him apart. He’d promised to leave with me, to move to California. He’d said we’d start a new life, he’d promised me no more pain. But as his eyes rimmed with red, and his hands framed my face, he whispered, “I almost lost Dex once, and it doesn’t matter how much I fucking love you, I won’t abandon him. I can’t turn my back on my family.” He leaned in, his nose touching mine. “I don’t want to lose you.”
He was worth the wait.
“I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.”
The memory poured over me as the rain devoured my car. I’d stayed with Liam and put everything on hold. I worked at the Handy Mart full time, saving, disregarding that I was falling into step with my mother’s life. Liam had been my promise, after everything I’d gone through, all the shit we’d both been put through. I’d waited for the happily ever after that never came.
My phone vibrated inside my purse. Needles pierced my throat and lungs as I caught my breath. I wiped the tears from under my eyes, smearing the mascara that had pooled below my lashes. I smoothed my hand over my hair before I sifted through my bag and found my phone.
Mom: He’s gone.
Those two words should’ve been a relief, but the weight on my shoulders multiplied. My diaphragm ached as the cold reality crushed my chest. I dropped the phone into the center console. He was gone.
Gone.
Every moment of my life, the abuse, the strict wear and tear on my soul, it gushed up my throat. I opened the door and leaned out just in time, emptying my stomach into the mud. The sleet soaked my hair and iced its way through my sweater. I heaved and heaved until I had nothing left to give… to give him. My father, he’d taken it all. Who was I without his definition?
I shut the door with numb fingers. My clothes squeaked against the leather of the front seat as I picked up my phone. If I called Liam, would he come to the rescue like he’d used to? Could he bank his hatred for me, for my choice to leave, just for a few hours? Three years ago he’d finally given me a reason to leave without him. Could I pretend everything hadn’t happened? Leaving him again, it would break me, pull the weak keystone that held my heart together.
Letting Liam save me… it was a dangerous temptation. I rolled my head to the right, and the overgrown pathway danced behind the rivulets of sleet trickling down the passenger side window reminding me that he was done picking up my pieces.
I scrolled through my contacts and then pressed the call button. The phone only rang once. “Mom.”
“He’s gone, Kelly.” Her voice was thick with tears.
“I’m on my way.”