Once Upon a Present
The door opened and the shadows in the apartment moved as I stepped over the threshold. Another night of work done, another night on my own. I skipped turning on the lights, set my keys on the counter, and grabbed a beer out of the fridge. The white light broke through the dark as I ignored the silence. Kelly had moved out three days ago. Kieran had offered to help her, always the fucking gentleman, and in two days she was gone, erased from my life again. I’d done as she’d asked, and I’d disappeared inside my routine, my shell, and I’d left her alone.
The cap of the bottle twisted off easily, offering me quick relief. The bitter liquid poured past my tongue as I took a swig from the bottle. It was the only thing that could kill the taste of her. Kissing her again, tasting her, her mouth… touching her, it was better than I’d remembered, more than I thought I could handle, and I’d submitted to the way she’d felt against me, the way we’d always seemed to fit together. We were the perfect mixture and I’d drank it down without thinking of the consequences. The whole damn time she was here, it was a fucking trial of my patience. Back and forth, push and pull. We danced around each other, and I’d finally said, fuck it, and went all in. It was a desperate move, and maybe I was clinging to the past like she’d said, but I hadn’t realized how much I’d needed her until she threatened to take it all away.
It was six weeks of egg shells, hidden glances, tortured accidental touches, pacing like a fucking lion trapped in a cage. Waiting. I never thought I’d let myself fall again, but each day had become harder to take than the one before. It was an impossible task to push all that shit down, pretend it wasn’t happening. I couldn’t help that I liked the early mornings and late nights I had with her. I liked how she looked sitting across from me every day. I liked that there was no pressure to be anything other than us. She’d said we were playing house, but I wasn’t fucking playing. I wanted her—needed to make shit right. I had bided my time, waiting for the moment those egg shells would crack and we could find our foundation again, but I’d blown it. We’d barely spoken to each other before she moved out.
That kiss had become a punishing reminder of everything I’d lost. But it was my usual knee jerk response that had been the nail in my coffin. My anger had given me speed that night. I’d wanted to get as much space between us as possible, but space had been the last thing we’d needed. It hadn’t surprised me that I’d ended up at our old spot that night. I’d driven through the canyon, letting the dark lead me deeper, the only thing guiding me was a headlight and heart full of fire holding on to something that didn’t exist anymore. There was nothing left of us under the canopy of aspens. Our path had been overgrown with weeds and brush. The way blocked with dead branches and broken limbs. I hadn’t missed the parallel in front of me and it was why I’d chosen to go back to her instead of lingering in the past.
I closed my eyes and leaned against the counter. Her scent still a figment of my imagination, but I inhaled it anyway as I thought about how I’d let everything slip away from me.
Kelly’s door was shut, but I could hear her crying. My knuckles rapped against the solid wood softly and everything went quiet.
“Kelly?” I called out her name but she didn’t answer.
I flattened my palm on her door and leaned my forehead against it. I should just go to bed, leave well enough alone, but I was tired of being isolated and hard. I didn’t want my sheets covered in another woman’s scent. I was sick of strangers and friends with benefits, and I was done missing her. With or without her, I had to move the fuck on.
I opened the door to her bedroom and the light of the hallway spread across her mattress. Kelly was rolled over, facing away from me, but I could see how her shoulders shook.
“Leave me alone, Liam.” Her voice was strained and, on instinct, I moved toward her.
“I shouldn’t have kissed you, I should have—”
“You don’t need to say anything. I don’t want an apology.” She fell onto her back, her tear-stained cheeks catching the light.
Anger pumped through my heart in heavy jagged beats as her eyes fixed on the ceiling, and her silence held me at bay on a goddamn leash. I wasn’t sorry for kissing her, for showing her how much I fucking burned for her. I needed her to know that I wished I hadn’t left. How I wished I would’ve calmed the hell down, told her that her kiss had fixed something broken inside of me, and it was more than a last bid at not being alone.
“Kelly, I’m—”
“It’s over.” She closed her eyes, and I watched the rise and fall of her chest as the tears leaked from under her lids. “I’ll be out in a few days.”
There had been nothing left to say. That kiss, she’d felt it. I could still feel her hands in my hair, her teeth on my lips. She and I, we were undeniable, but she’d shut it down and I had to respect that. My window of opportunity had closed, and I had to move forward. Toward what? I had no damn clue. I opened my eyes and stared at the floor. I’d be thirty-one years old this year. I had a successful business, my brothers were happy, I’d set out to secure my family’s future and I had done it. I didn’t need her, I had them.
My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out. Kieran’s number flashed across the screen, and I rolled my eyes, in no mood to go anywhere. My plan for tonight was to fucking crash in hopes that in the morning I’d find it a little less difficult to get up.
I pressed my thumb to the call button and raised the phone to my ear. “I’m not your fucking wingman, ask Kemper.”
“Liam,” his voice splintered.
Even through the phone I could hear his struggle to breathe and my stomach dropped as I pushed off the counter. “Are you okay?”
“Mom.” He swore under his breath and I heard the engine of his truck start. “She’s on the way to the hospital. She wasn’t breathing, Liam, she wasn’t…” All the blood drained from my face and a heavy cold coated my forehead in beads of sweat. “She’s in the ambulance, they’re working on her, meet me there… Liam, what if—”
“Don’t fucking say that shit! Call Dex, I’m on my way.”
I ended the call before his panic could shake me anymore than it already had. I grabbed my keys and my leather jacket, bottling up any remnant of fear as I rushed through the apartment door, down the stairs, and mounted my bike with the Lord’s Prayer on my lips for the first time since I was thirteen years old.
The ER was packed as I stormed through the doors. Kieran had texted me on my way over letting me know what room they’d brought her to. No update, just a fucking room number. I bypassed the front desk and ignored the girl’s’ shrill voice calling out to me. She could shove her rules up her ass. I needed to get to my mother, to my family.
Kieran was pacing the hall when I found him. His stare was missing its usual spark, a blank slate met my eyes, his face ghost white, and his hands trembled as he ran them through his hair. He was losing it.
I flipped that habitual switch and reigned in my own anxiety as I asked him in a low voice, “Where is she?”
“They won’t let me in, they pushed me out.” His jaw flexed and he sucked in a deep breath. “She was fine when I left for work this morning, I swear. I got home, and I figured she was in bed. I went into the kitchen to grab some food, and she was laid out on the floor. Her skin was cold and I didn’t know what to do. I just kept calling her name…” His voice cracked and my own throat narrowed. The burning behind my eyes harder to fight. “I called nine-one-one and they took forever. The lady on the phone was trying to talk me through CPR, but… she was so cold, Liam.”
I dropped my head into my hands as I quelled a scream and buried it down into my lungs, letting the thin air drown me as I pulled my fingers through my hair. My baby brother’s eyes were distant as I assured him, “You did everything you could.”
“Mr. O’Connell?”
Kieran and I lifted our heads at the same time. The man’s green scrubs were wrinkled, his face too soft, and my heart stopped as he approached us with a trace of regret in his eyes. He was death coming to tell us he’d taken our mother.
“If you could follow me.” He gestured for us to move forward but we didn’t budge.
“What happened?” I demanded.
“Please, let’s go talk in—”
“Fuck that. Tell me what happened.” A family coming down the hall averted their eyes as they passed by us.
The doctor exhaled and lifted his gaze to Kieran and then to me. “Your mother didn’t make it, I’m sorry.”
Kieran’s hand grasped my shoulder as if he wasn’t sure he could stand any longer, like he needed me to hold him up when all I wanted to do was sink.
“The paramedics reported that she was already gone at the scene, but they followed protocol, and were unable to get a pulse.”
“She had heart problems,” Kieran whispered and the doctor nodded.
“I read through her medical record, and though I can’t be sure until an autopsy is performed, I think she had a stroke.”
“Nobody is cutting my mother up.” I spoke through clenched teeth. “It doesn’t matter how she… it doesn’t fucking matter.”
The doctor shifted on his feet and took a step back. “We will only do what you ask us to… sir.”
“Can we see her?” Kieran asked, his voice had reverted to a youthful tone. His eyes were watered down and I had to look away.
I couldn’t do this.
I couldn’t be the strong one.
I needed help.
God, someone help me.
“Right this way.” The doctor turned and we followed him.
The farther back we went, the harder it became to lift my feet from the ground. The weight of the world no longer on my shoulders, but strapped to my legs. He pulled open a curtain and I wasn’t ready. My mother’s mouth was open, her face pale wax—vacant.
I stumbled backward. “I can’t…” I was tumbling. “I need…”
“Liam...” Kieran’s blue eyes swam as the warmth of his hand on my shoulder steadied me.
My seams were splitting, each thread popping and snapping loudly in my ears as I backed away. I had to hold my shit together long enough to get through this. “Did you call Dex?”
“Yeah, he should be here soon.”
The thin air was winning, every breath I took was shorter, smaller, and everything around me blurred. “I’ll be right back.”
I hurried through the halls on weak knees. The ER noise blared as I passed machines, and people and chaos. I pushed through the doors and headed down the back hall toward the other exit when I looked up and saw Declan and Paige. They were just a few feet away moving almost as quickly as I was. I kept my eyes on his and I shook my head. All the pain I’d felt pulsed in my fingertips. The panic tried to flood through me as Paige broke down into tears. Declan took her hand, and I walked the last few feet on adrenaline alone.
My arms wrapped around Paige as I pulled her into my chest, and her free hand curled into the fabric of my shirt as she whispered, “I’m sorry.”
Declan’s head was tipped down, his mask starting to show its cracks. “She’s gone.” He hadn’t spoken directly to anyone. He’d said it to the void that was pressing in all around us.
Paige dropped her hold on me, and I brought my hand to the back of Declan’s head resting my brow against his as a sob passed his lips. There were no words to repair this wound, and I watched my brother’s eyes pool and spill and let my own fall as well. Everything I had lived for, this family, my mother, the failure, seeped down my face. I couldn’t stop death, but if I wasn’t fighting for her, for them…
Paige draped her arm around Declan’s waist, leaning into his side. I was about to pull away, but I felt the familiar heat of Kieran’s hand on my left shoulder. The hallway was ours, and the mournful sound of our loss surrounded us. Kieran stood at our side and dipped his head as he offered a prayer.
Any anger that still sparked inside my heart was doused in the clean water of peace that my brother provided in that moment. It was his words, his heart that showed me I was not alone. It was a privilege to serve my family and that honor was the last bit of strength I honed in on as my brother said, “Amen.”
My hands fell to my sides as I inhaled the blade. “Let’s go say goodbye.”