Once Upon a Present
“I’m sick of being your emotional punching bag.” Tana cut the engine of her car and stared through the windshield.
I sighed. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
It wasn’t the right thing to say, but when it came to Tana, I never did the right thing. She laughed without humor and turned her head. Her eyes assessed me as she bit her bottom lip. My stomach was still twisted from seeing Kelly at the bar. If I hadn’t already broken her before, I sure as hell tore her apart today in that hallway. The thunder rolled through the valley, and my heart matched its deep beat.
“I want you to fucking own it, Liam. You’re a user. I’m not her, and I never will be.” Tana’s voice wavered.
“I’m pretty sure we used each other.”
Despite our fucked-up little arrangement, I actually liked Tana. She was a cool chick, but she’d grown too close, and I never wanted more, not with her, not with anyone. That ship had sailed.
“If that’s what helps you sleep at night,” she said with venom I wasn’t used to.
I locked my eyes on hers and it was a shit thing to say, but I wasn’t fully to blame. “You had no damn problem climbing into my bed, fucking away your ex, so don’t shove all the blame on me.” I clenched my hands into fists as her eyes dropped. “Tana,” I said her name in a softer tone and she lifted her gaze. “Trust me when I say this… you don’t want me for more than getting laid.”
Kelly’s face flashed behind my eyes. Her dark eyes had filled with tears, her skin paled. I’d hit too deep, the words I’d used would cause permanent damage. Watching her cower like she had, just like the night she left, it was three years ago all over again, same shit different venue. Except this time, I realized the harm I’d caused, but it’d been too late.
Tana shook her head. “If we’re being honest…” Her eyes flicked to the roof of her car and then back down avoiding my stare. “Kemper asked me out, and I think… I think I’m going to say yes.” Tana blew out a long breath. Her jeans were frayed just at the knee and she played with a few of the pieces. “I’m ready for more than fuck-buddy status.”
“Kemper?” I couldn’t help but laugh, and she looked at me wide eyed. That little shit wasn’t above sloppy seconds; he’d take whatever he could get. I shook my head and smirked. “When did that rat bastard ask you out?”
“At the party today.” I laughed again. “You can’t be jealous.”
“I’m not.” Her smile fell. “Tana, you do whatever the hell you want. I just think it’s funny that Kemp asks out the girl I bring to his birthday party.”
“Well… he’s asked before and I’ve always said no.”
“You shouldn’t have.”
“I’m not a whore, Liam. When I was with you—”
“You were never with me, Tana.”
My tone fell dead as the rain started to pour down. The tin sound of the droplets hitting the roof, the windshield, it drowned out the uncomfortable silence. The thing was, she was never with me. She knew it. I never made promises, and even if I was the biggest douchebag in the world, she’s a goddamn adult and made her own choice.
“You’re a good chick, Tana. I’m an asshole. I probably shouldn’t have kept calling.”
Her lips lifted at the corners and she smiled. The small gesture cut through the heavy weight between us. “You’re a total asshole. And I should have told you to fuck off.”
I laughed, this time with real feeling, and her smile widened.
“I hate you,” she said with a soft laugh.
“Good.” I reached over and squeezed her thigh and she gave me a sad smile. “Will you be okay?”
She nodded and chewed her lip, her eyes turning a little glassy.
I really was a dick.
“Be careful, Kemper isn’t much better than me,” I warned and reached for the door handle.
“I’ve learned my lesson,” Tana said it with a smirk, but the hurt was loud and clear.
“See you around?”
“I’ve got an appointment booked next week,” she answered.
I lifted my chin and opened the door, letting the rain drench me as I stepped out. I turned and leaned into the car. “See you then.”
She didn’t respond. I shut the door and ran to the back door of the shop. Once I was inside I shook my head and arms, spraying rain water everywhere like a wet dog. I ran my fingers through my hair and exhaled a long, pained breath. This day couldn’t get any damn worse.
The shop was empty as I made my way to the front. We purposely hadn’t booked any appointments, knowing that we’d be at Kemper’s birthday party. I hadn’t realized it was at that pub. Not until I’d gotten there. It was Kelly’s father’s favorite and now that I thought about it, I wondered why the hell Kelly was there in the first place. Dex was sitting at the front desk with ear buds pushed deep into his ears. He’d volunteered to stay behind, keep the shop open, and take walk-ins, if need be. Ronnie had stayed for the first half of the day and then headed over to the party later, leaving Dex on his own.
“Dex,” I called his name. He didn’t turn around, so I tapped his shoulder.
He didn’t jump as he turned in his chair and removed his ear buds. “Hey, how was the party?” he asked as he pulled his phone from his pocket and, I assumed, turned off his music.
“A shit show.”
Declan laughed and his smile spread across his face. “Why am I not surprised? Kemper mixed with alcohol is always a fucking disaster.”
I wished my problems could’ve been that simple. I’d planned for a drunk Kemper, maybe a bar fight, and then a late night burying myself balls deep into Tana, but that was not how my day had progressed. The muscle in my jaw tensed as I admitted to myself that I’d made my own damn mess. I’d chosen to wound Kelly instead of walking away. I dragged Tana along when I should have cut her loose months ago.
“Kelly was there.”
“At the pub?” Dex sat up in the chair, and his light eyes clouded with shadows. “Did you talk to her?”
I nodded and lowered my eyes to the floor. The shame I felt drove my pulse. What I’d said…
“How’s she handling everything?”
I lifted my gaze to his and my brows knotted. “What do you mean?”
“She didn’t tell you?”
“What the hell are you talking about, Dex?”
“Liam… Mom told Kieran last night, I figured he’d tell you, or maybe Kelly had today. Her dad died.”
My breath hitched. “What?”
Declan shifted in his seat and stood, placing his hand on my shoulder. “Yeah, one of Mom’s friends from church told her. The funeral was today. I guess he died last week.” Dex squeezed my shoulder. “Liam, what—”
“I was fucking terrible to her today. I…” Every muscle in my body raged under my skin. How did I not see it… see her? I was fucking selfish. All I’d thought about the day I’d first seen her in the hospital was that she was with him… not really focusing on why she was there. And then today, she looked so damn broken, and I jumped at the chance to ruin her further. “Declan, I think I—”
The shop phone rang and Declan turned to pick it up. What had I done? I rubbed my fist down the middle of my chest trying to ease the building ache.
“Sure, one second.” Declan held out the phone to me and shrugged. The worry in his eyes spent on the wrong fucking soul. “It’s for you.”
I took the phone from his hand and sucked in a deep breath before I said, “This is Liam.”
“Liam O’Connell?” The woman’s voice was stern.
“That’s me.” I tried unsuccessfully to keep my irritation at bay, but I had shit to do. I needed to call Kelly.
“My name is Heather, I’m the care management case worker at North Valley Hospital.” Something dark sprouted in my gut as she continued, “Do you know a Ms. Kelly Kavanagh?”
A lump of fear clogged my throat. I nodded my head.
“Sir?”
“Yes,” I answered through my fight to breathe.
“The last updated emergency contact information we have for her has you listed as her main advocate. Mr. O’Connell, I’m sorry to have to tell you this over the phone, but she’s been in a severe accident and is in serious condition.”
I couldn’t feel my lungs moving, and I was sure the burn filling my veins was because my heart had stopped beating. “I’m on my way.”
“Sir?”
“What? Tell me what the fuck you need so I can get to my girl!” My voice echoed through the shop and Dex’s eyes went wide.
“She’s in the Intensive Care Unit, room twenty-three-oh-four. I would get here as quickly and as safely as possible. Also we’ll need—” Her firm voice was back full swing as I hung up on her.
“I have to go.” My panic was closing around my limbs like a vise.
“What happened?”
“Kelly’s in the ICU.”
I didn’t get a chance to see Declan’s reaction as I turned and ran to the back of the shop. I grabbed my helmet and my leather jacket from my station.
“Liam, it’s pouring you can’t—”
“Watch me.”
The cool hospital air coated my soaked clothing as I sprinted through the Emergency Room doors. The wet denim clung to my legs, and my hair dripped into my eyes as I made my way down the hall to the elevators. Every last shitty thing I’d ever done or said to Kelly was on a loop in my head. I didn’t care anymore who was right or wrong, who hurt who. I’d fucked up, and if I lost her like this, I didn’t think there was any coming back from that. It was easy to pretend she didn’t exist all these years, easy to shove away the memories. But her smell of lemons choked me in that hallway today, her eyes seared mine as I shattered her, and all I could think of as the elevator crawled to the second floor was what if I’d never see those brown eyes spark again? What if her smell faded and all that was left was this sterile scent threatening to take away the last good thing?
The doors opened and I practically sprinted to the ICU. The nurses’ station was empty except for one younger looking girl in blue scrubs.
“I’m here for Kelly Kavanagh. Room twenty-three-oh-four.”
The girl’s eyes raked over my water logged face as she asked, “And you are?”
“Liam O’Connell, some case worker called me, is Kelly okay? I mean is she…” I didn’t want to fucking think it.
The girl’s face softened and I swallowed, waiting for her to drop the ax. “Her room is just down that hall and—”
I pushed away from the desk and started toward her room.
“Sir!” she yelled in a rough whisper.
“If this is about fucking paperwork, I’ll deal with that shit later.”
The girl’s cheeks blanched and she nodded once before I turned and left.
The door was shut, and I rolled my shoulders, bracing myself as I turned the handle. The light in the room was low, and the quiet beep… beep… beep of her heart eased my pulse until it matched hers. Every breath, every goddamn breath I took I didn’t deserve.
Kelly was gone.
The girl and the woman I’d known—this couldn’t be her.
She was attached to so many different lines. A thick plastic tube dangled from her left side where it was connected to a box on the bedrail. It was a hard punch to the stomach, and the jagged breath I took sounded more like a sob as her face came into full view. Her right cheek was mangled, stitched, and her left looked like it had been burned. I brought my fist to my mouth, and my legs gave out as I fell to my knees at her bed side.
Tears trickled past my shaking lips as I took her hand in mine. I’d never felt such destruction, such raw agony, it sliced through me, and all I wanted to do was rip the tubes from her veins, scoop her in my arms, and take her home, fix her, make it right.
“How did I let this happen?” I whispered and brought my lips to her knuckles. Her hand was cold, and I fought the urge to squeeze it. She was too fragile. “I’ve hated you for so long, I forgot what it was like to love you, and it hurts… it fucking hurts seeing you like this, Princess,” I whispered past the narrowing of my throat.
Kelly’s fingers twitched and I released her hand. My eyes darted to hers, but they were still closed.
“Mr. O’Connell?”
I lifted my tear-filled eyes to the door I hadn’t even heard open and nodded.
“I’m Karlee, Kelly’s nurse for tonight.” Her smile was respectful.
I wiped under my eyes and inhaled past the sharp sting in my throat. The pain I was feeling was nothing compared to the devastation that lay in the bed before me. I cleared my throat and asked, “What happened?”
She motioned for me to have a seat, and I collapsed onto the chair beside Kelly’s bed. The nurse opened the cabinet above the sink, grabbed a towel, and handed it to me. “Thanks.”
“No problem.” Once I ran the towel through my hair she continued, “She was in a bad car accident this evening.” The towel fell to the floor. “The officer that was on the scene reported that she ran a red light and must have overcorrected when another vehicle almost collided with her. She hit a tree.”
The imagery in my head stirred the acid in my stomach. “Did anyone else get hurt?”
“No. She almost hit the other car, but they were able to avoid her vehicle.”
“Will she be okay?”
“Right now she’s stable. It was a rough start… She fractured her right tibia, but it wasn’t bad enough to require surgery. It’s splinted for now, and if the swelling goes down and she’s doing better, they’ll cast it.” She walked over to the bank of monitors and pressed a few buttons. “A piece of the frame punctured her lung, causing it to collapse. She was struggling to breathe on her own so the doctor placed a chest tube.”
My hand scrubbed down my face as I listened, each breath harder to take than my last.
“She lost a lot of blood, but EMS got there pretty fast, and she didn’t require a transfusion,” she said it like Kelly was lucky, like Kelly wasn’t lying in this bed totally destroyed. Anger flared and my head started to throb. “We’ve given her pain medication. She’s pretty sedated, but it’s helping her rest and heal.”
“She’s a mess,” I muttered mostly to myself.
The nurse’s eyes drifted to Kelly and then back to me. She opened her mouth as if to say something, but then closed it. She licked her lips and exhaled. “I’m afraid she was intoxicated at the time of the accident. We drew some routine lab work and her blood tested positive for benzodiazepines and alcohol. Her blood alcohol was just barely over the limit, but…” She walked over to Kelly’s tray table, and I clenched my jaw. “Here.” She handed me a small business card. “This is the officer in charge of her case. We’re working on getting her medical records from California to see if she was legally prescribed the medication.”
“Kelly doesn’t do drugs.” I spoke through clenched teeth as I placed the card in my jacket pocket.
“I’m sure it’s prescribed then.” The nurse gave me a placating smile.
My anger ebbed as I realized I didn’t fucking know if Kelly did drugs or not anymore.
The hospital room door opened and a guy no older than me walked in wearing a white coat over his plaid shirt and tan pants. “Hi, I’m Dr. Irwin.” His lips set in a serious line as he held out his hand.
I shook his hand. “Liam O’ Connell, Kelly and I… we… used to—”
“Semantics.” The doctor smiled as he released my grip. “Family is family, and our case worker contacted you, correct?” I nodded. “Ms. Kavanagh is lucky to be alive.”
My eyes dusted over her ruined face and something deep inside my heart died. I had a feeling Kelly wouldn’t think she was fucking lucky.
“If that piece of the car frame had been just a few inches left or right, she might not have made it.”
“Is that what that tube is for?” I pointed to the plastic thing hanging from her side.
“She had a pneumothorax. The tube helps remove the air that caused her lung to collapse.”
“And her face, will it heal?” I asked already knowing the answer.
“The burn was from the air bag, and will leave minimal scarring. But the cuts on her face… those are permanent. The ER doc said he pulled a ton of glass and debris from the three lacerations. Two were deep enough to require stitches, especially the one that runs down her cheek and into her lip.” He walked over to the opposite side of the bed and used his pen to direct the gruesome path along her cheek.
Kelly’s eyes were surrounded with black and blue as if her face had hit the steering wheel. Her cheeks were sliced and burned. She’d been alone… hurting, and it was all my fault. Guilt washed over me in crashing waves as the room stilled and nausea filled my throat with bile. All I hoped for now was that she could be spared any memories from the crash. She’d been chewed up and spit out. A memory like that would haunt her forever, and she already had enough ghosts.
“I think tomorrow she’ll be able to go to the step down unit. We’ll cast her leg most likely tomorrow or the next. It was a stable fracture… no surgery will be needed. Like I said, lucky girl.” The doctor looked at the nurse and nodded his chin.
“Mr. O’Connell, visiting hours are—”
“I’m not moving from this fucking chair, so if you need to get security, go ahead.”
“It’s okay, Karlee.” The doctor gave me a grim smile. “Just remember, Mr. O’Connell, rest is just as important to the healing process as medicine.”
They both left the room without another word, and I inched the chair closer to the bed, avoiding the chest tube as I took her hand in mine. Kelly’s fingers laced through mine, and my heart skipped two whole fucking beats. She moaned, and her lips parted as her eyes fluttered open. She scanned the ceiling, and her eyes tracked with uncoordinated movements until they found mine. She barely rolled her head to the side and tears leaked from the corner of her eyes.
“Why are you here?” Her voice was scratchy and weak.
Her brown eyes spilled every rotten fucking thing I’d ever said to her, and I had to look away. I dropped my hand from hers and focused on the tube that saved her life.
“Why did you wrap your car around a tree?” Since the moment the nurse told me, I had a sick feeling Kelly might have missed the red light on purpose.
“Why would you even care?” she asked and, as I raised my eyes back to her face, she moved hers to the ceiling.
I deserved her hatred, her fury.
“Because no matter where the hell we stand, or how far apart we’ve become, you’re still my fucking family.”
Her eyes closed and more tears escaped down the burn of her cheek and wet her stitches. As her eyes opened she winced, and the pain I felt was visceral as if her cuts, her bruises were my own. She let her head fall to the side, and the amber in her eyes shimmered behind her tears. “Family,” she said it like a swear word. “You’ve been gone for three years.”
The line between love and hate, it was a goddamn precipice when it came to Kelly. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, but I couldn’t walk away from her.
“I’m here now.”