Once Upon a Present
“I fucking swear it.”
It was amazing how those four words meant more to me than all the times he’d ever said “I love you” over the years. Liam loved hard, and he fought for what he wanted. He’d always had to. It was in his bones, just as my need to feel free was in my own. We were never going to be perfect, and he would never be a prince charming on a white horse. He had always run hot, and I could pretend all I wanted that I wasn’t that way, that I didn’t need his heat, but that was like denying the sky was blue. To lie to myself was like breathing under water. My night had always needed his sun. Liam was mine. We were sewn together, heart and soul, patched up with steel thread and leather patches.
I let my hand drift through his thick, dark hair, his scent coating my lungs as I breathed him in. “When do you have to leave?” I asked and reluctantly sat up.
He fell onto his back with a long sigh. “Shit. Like an hour ago.”
Liam’s taste for me hadn’t been sated, and he’d made love to me again. My legs ached, but if he asked it of me, I’d give him my body as many times as he wanted. That ache was a privilege. We’d gone too long fighting against our tether and I wasn’t ready to let go again. We still had so much to repair, and I wanted time to be on our side, but the worn lines of his face, the responsibility that etched his features, returned. Our reunion, his moment of peace, was gone.
“I have one of your old Avenues Ink t-shirts, bottom drawer, left hand side. It’s hidden in the back.” I stood from the bed, my eyes on the floor. I’d hidden it in L.A., too, but I’d never gotten rid of it. I guess I’d always wished it would one day be a treasure instead of a knife. “You can take a shower before you leave, I’ll make you some coffee… I’ve got cereal and—”
“Kelly.” He chuckled as he stood, the sheet falling, exposing all that muscle, all that ink… He was the perfect one, not me. “My family is already at my mom’s place…” He winced and his smile drifted and then faded away completely. “Dex and Paige stayed with Kieran, and I should’ve… I couldn’t have gone back there, not yet.”
I walked to the other side of the bed and took his hand. “You did what you needed… and this time it was for you… just you, and that’s okay. Liam, you didn’t let anyone down.”
A flash of some hidden emotion crossed his eyes, and he rubbed the back of his neck. “Go get cleaned up, I’ll be right behind you. I need to call Kieran.”
I leaned in and kissed his cheek. “See you in a minute.”
The bathroom floor sent a shiver up my spine as I turned the water on in the shower. Giving it a second to warm up, I pulled my hair into a bun. The room filled with steam, and once I was under the hot water, any lingering worry washed away. The smell of my sugared lemon body wash hovered in the dense fog, soothing and bringing me back down to Earth. Liam had always been good at making me forget the world. When he worshipped my body, I didn’t care about anything other than his lips, his hands, his touch teaching me what it felt like to live without regret or fear.
The citrus air pulled past my lips, down my throat, and spread through my lungs as my eyes closed. I let the familiar scent ground me and I pushed away the negative thought that had begun to wheedle its way into my happy place. Where do we go from here? All I needed to do was be there for him, in any capacity that I could, and I wanted to be. I was all in. The future I’d planned, the one without Liam… it was a lie, and the way the universe kicked and screamed and shoved, there was no way I could deny it to myself. Us. It was written on my skin the day his ink penetrated my flesh.
We were a spectacular inevitability.
There was no more exhaustion in that simple fact.
Cool air invaded my bubble and when my eyes opened, Liam’s smirk made the butterflies in my stomach take flight. That smirk had always promised mayhem, and the heat it conjured pooled low in my belly.
“Get in,” I chided as I crossed my arms trying to conserve some warmth as he slid in and shut the glass door behind him. I squealed as his cold hands grasped my waist, and his laugh, even though it was tinged with sadness, reminded me that not all of his edges were sharp. Liam’s softness was rare, and absolutely stunning. It was an honor to really know him.
“I’d say I’m sorry but—”
I pushed his chest. “But, you’re not.”
Liam’s grip guided me as we turned. His back now under the comfort of the water, he leaned down and rested his forehead on my shoulder.
“How’s Kieran?”
Liam exhaled and lifted his head. “He’s wrecked.”
I grabbed my loofa and handed it to him. He held it as I dotted it with soap.
“And Declan…”
Liam ran the soap over his colorful skin as he said, “He’s quiet… always the fucking ticking time bomb. Kieran said Paige is making breakfast and we should head over soon.”
I swallowed as I asked, “We? I mean, maybe I should give you guys some space.”
His jaw clenched and he shook his head. “Fuck that. Regardless of the stupid shit we’ve both put each other through, you’re family, too.”
“I don’t want to make anything harder for you… if staying away helps, I’d understand.”
His mother had been important to me, too. She’d been there for me so many times when my own was too busy trying to pay bills. Her loss, for me it cut deep, but this was their mom. Liam’s reason, his hope and his life, I didn’t want to take anything away from them.
Liam held my face in his hands. “You not being there will make this shit harder, Kelly. I need you by my side.”
I brought my nose to his, our mouths almost touched as I spoke, “Then that’s where I’ll be.”
He nipped my lip and then pulled away. “Good.” His fingers drifted down the line of my waist and hips.
“Just let me know what I can do to help, I want to—”
“I just need a few more minutes. I don’t want to have to think about anything. I want a couple minutes of just me and you.” His fingers trailed down until he palmed my ass and pulled me against him.
“I can do that,” I said a little breathless.
Liam’s teeth pulled at my bottom lip and then his tongue licked and soothed his bite. He pressed himself against me, the planes of his stomach hard against my own, and the right corner of his mouth lifted. “Good,” he repeated and then claimed my lips.
The bike came to an abrupt stop in Liam’s mother’s driveway. Liam’s Harley roared its last breath before he cut the engine. I’d forgotten how much I loved being on the back of his bike. I’d missed that numb sensation on my thighs and fingers from the vibration, from gripping his shirt so tight. The adrenaline coursed through me as Liam dismounted and then helped me by taking my hand. My legs wobbled as I found my footing and removed my helmet. Liam had gone without so I could have protection. There was still a part of me that wanted to make him wear it. The insecurity I’d always have, that had been beaten into me… I wasn’t worth it. But Liam had always read me like an open book, and he’d said his life was forfeit if I no longer existed. I wore the helmet, and that small part of me had gone silent, at least for the moment.
Liam laced our fingers together as I brought my gaze to the house. The worn vinyl siding was just as I remembered it. He was quiet as we approached the front door, and his face paled as we stood on the front stoop. He took a few even breaths. Inhaling and exhaling. His face, those lines, deeper than just two minutes ago. He was putting on his mask, he was becoming their leader, their hope, and I wondered if he’d ever know the true worth of his valiant heart.
He opened the door without releasing my hand, and the smell of bacon welcomed us home. The house was warm, and the ache in my chest grew as it hit me, really hit me, that Liam’s mother wasn’t here. She wouldn’t bound from the kitchen with her arms ready to embrace me. She wouldn’t ask me how I’d been, or where I’d run off to. I wouldn’t see Liam light up like he always had when she’d come out from the kitchen. Instead of life, there was an eerie calm. Kieran sat on the couch with his eyes glossed over, looking at nothing in particular. Declan sat in his usual spot at the dining table. No art book sprawled in front of him. No pencils. His hands rested on the wood surface of the table, his gaze trained on what I assumed was Paige in the kitchen. The crackle of grease sounded and I heard Paige swear softly. Liam’s hand strangled mine, his strength waning every step closer to his broken family. Tears wet my lashes, and the fingers of my free hand began to tremble, my voice stuck in my throat as the weight of my heart pressed against my sternum.
“Have you slept?” Liam asked, and Declan shifted his gaze.
“No.”
“What about you?” he asked Kieran, and he shook his head.
I watched as the guilt enclosed around his chest. Each breath Liam took was shallower than the last. My own lungs burned as I silently begged myself to keep it together.
“Paige doesn’t sleep much anymore, she’s too uncomfortable.” Declan stood from his chair, his voice just as dead as his eyes, and walked into the kitchen.
Kieran stared at our locked hands and his eyes relaxed as he asked, “You guys hungry? I think Paige is cooking enough for the neighborhood.”
“I am not, you guys need to eat,” she hollered, and I didn’t fight my smile.
Kieran’s lips twitched as he leaned forward and rose to his feet. Liam let go of my hand and took a couple of steps before enveloping Kieran into a bear hug. Kieran was taller than Liam, but for some reason, today, he seemed smaller. Almost like he was a little boy again. A fissure of pain split my chest in two and my tears threatened to spill as I listened to Kieran’s fragmented sobs. Liam’s shoulders shook as he held his brother tight. When Kieran pulled away, his eyes were red. His cheeks were wet, and his voice thick as he said, “I’m so lost.”
Liam held his shoulders. “I’m sorry I left last night. I’m sorry I—”
“Don’t be.”
Liam dropped his hands and Kieran took a step back. He looked at me and then at Liam, his lips parting into a sad smile. “It’s about time you two figured everything out.” Kieran’s eyes locked on Liam’s, his voice strained, “Mom would’ve really liked that… that you guys worked through things.”
Liam exhaled and turned to face me. His brown eyes pooled with unshed emotion as he said, “I think Mom is what finally brought us back together.”
I took my place by Liam’s side, taking his hand and giving Kieran a warm smile. “She raised such amazing men, and I have no doubt she left this earth with pride in her heart.”
“She was a warrior,” Kieran whispered, and Liam squeezed my hand.
“Breakfast is ready.” Paige’s voice filled the room and lifted the mood.
Her cheeks were red from the heat of the stove, and her round belly seemed to make Kieran chuckle. “I think your belly grew since last night.”
Paige rolled her eyes. “Come eat this bacon before it gets cold.” She waddled back into the kitchen, and I heard her say to Declan, “I don’t care if he’s sad, he just said I look big.”
Declan’s quiet laughter made Liam smile. “He said your belly grew, not that—”
“Grab the plates,” she interrupted him, and Kieran’s flat eyes lit with a smile.
“She’s so crabby,” he whined.
“I’m creating life… two at a time, thank you very much,” Paige yelled from the kitchen.
The guys laughed, and I think I might’ve heard her giggle. I wasn’t sure if it was lack of sleep, or if the tension had finally become too heavy to bear, but the room felt lighter as we made our way to the dining table. Their mother had died, but had left behind a brilliant legacy. Her boys were brave, and hard and strong when it mattered most. They couldn’t see it, not yet. As an outsider, the loss was palpable, but they were a family, and it was as if they just needed Liam to get here to remember that.
The guys all talked around their egg-filled forks. Paige had gone all out, even fried up a few peppers and onions into the hash browns. I listened to them talk about their mother, laugh about old stories, and go quiet when darker times were brought up. Even though their father had haunted this house, those darker memories never set them off course as they cleansed themselves through each other’s memories. Paige and I even chimed in a few times with our own accounts. It wasn’t until the plates were emptied that the conversation slowed.
Liam and the guys cleaned off the table, but Paige and I ordered them out of the kitchen. Their voices carried through the house as Paige and I washed and dried the plates.
“How are you feeling?” I asked as I set a pan in the drying rack.
She shrugged her shoulders. “Oh, you know, like a stuffed sausage, but I’ll manage.” She smiled briefly and then it dimmed. “I’m worried about Declan, all of them. She was everything to them. My parents are jerks, completely wrote me off, but I still would feel the pain of their loss, so I can’t imagine…” She let her words trail off and lowered her eyes to the sink.
“He’s got you to lean on,” I said, trying to infuse as much strength into my voice as I could.
“He said… he said he could’ve handled it… could’ve been at peace with it, if she’d had a chance to meet his children.” A tear dripped down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away. “But I told him, she’s with them now, and that when she’s had her fill she’d send them our way.” She huffed out a laugh. “He thinks I’m nuts, but I know it… I know she’s watching over our babies.”
My lips spread into a smile as I nodded.
“Maybe you’re right.” Declan’s deep voice startled me, and Paige’s mouth lifted at the corners as her eyes moved to his.
Declan’s presence overwhelmed the small room. I gave him a smile as I set my rag onto the counter and made my way out of the kitchen, giving them privacy. I followed Liam’s voice down the hall and noticed the basement door was opened. As I descended the stairs, a stale, damp chill puckered the skin on my arms. Liam looked up from the large leather trunk he was sifting through and gave me a small smile. Kieran was rummaging through his own box as I sidled up to Liam and placed my hand on his shoulder. He was sitting cross-legged on the concrete floor with pictures and papers strewn around him.
“What are you guys up to?” I asked as Liam handed me an old picture. It was bent at the edges and colored in sepia. His mother and father smiled back at me as they sat at a bar. They were so young. “She looks happy.”
Liam raised his eyes to mine. “She does.”
I sat next to him on the floor and he gripped my thigh. “You okay?” I whispered.
He shook his head, his dark eyes gleaming. “So much time…” He rifled through a few pictures. “And it doesn’t seem like enough.”
Kieran’s shoes scuffed on the concrete as he stood and Liam leaned forward to look at him. Kieran grabbed a few pictures and then nodded his chin. “I’m heading up. The funeral home is supposed to call me at one.”
Liam’s lips thinned. “Let me know if you need me to talk to them.”
“I can do this.” Kieran didn’t sound so sure. “I can do this,” he said again to himself.
Liam didn’t say a word as Kieran powered up the basement stairs. Once I was sure he was out of earshot I asked, “Is he—”
“Losing his mind… yes. But I’ve got to let him do this. He wants to take responsibility… and I don’t want to hold him back. He’s a grown man, and he needs to start acting like one.” Liam’s tone was fatherly, and I had to bite back my smile. My teeth sank into my lower lip and Liam’s brows dipped.
“He does, the kid’s going to be twenty-seven.”
I held up my hands in surrender. “I didn’t say a thing.” My smile escaped despite my efforts and he frowned.
“We’ve all babied him. And his whole obsession with becoming a priest, my mom fed into that shit. He’s going to be twenty-seven and the guy has no idea what it’s like in the real world. No idea what it’s like to be with a woman… to be a man… what am I supposed to do?” Liam’s voice was low, his temper surfacing, and my humor vanished.
“I think you need to let him be his own person.”
Liam’s jaw stretched into a tight line. “He’s so fucking lost. He goes to bars and talks to chicks and doesn’t follow through. He’s desperate for something and I don’t think he knows what that is. I think the church is his way to hide, and I’m afraid now that Mom is gone, he’s never going to figure out who he is.”
“He’s late to the game. Liam, he’s not lost, he’s just starting.” I raised my hand and slid my fingers through his hair at the nape of his neck.
Liam’s eyes closed. “He can’t stay in this house. He’ll never move forward.” His eyes opened and worry colored his irises. “I want to make it work with you. We’re starting over, too, and having him move in… I’d like to have my own fucking space. It’s selfish, but I’ve got you back and having my kid brother a room away, that shit didn’t work with Declan either.”
The nervous knots in my stomach coiled, flipped, and then coiled again as the words formed on my tongue. “Then move in with me.”
He laughed without mirth. “You’re crazy.”
I rolled my shoulders back, readying myself for the storm as I barked back, “Maybe I am.”
“And what, give Kieran my apartment?”
We’d just begun to mend our relationship, our fear, the walls, they were slowly dissolving. It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours, but Liam had been in my life for eleven years. The three we were apart, compared to the history we shared, were just an insignificant blip on the radar. It was why, no matter how hard I’d tried to run, I’d end up dialing his number every night. It wasn’t until this past year that I actually hit the call button, but it was a truth, my love for him had never died, and his love had called me home.
“Why not?” I leaned in and wrapped my hand around his. “Liam, we were practically living together anyway… and my place, it’s too big, it’s meant for a couple… a family. Give Kieran a clean slate, and give us a chance to build a life. A life we’ve had on pause for three years.”
Liam’s eyes searched mine, and I thought maybe he was looking for a glimmer of doubt. But my eyes were sure. He was the only one I’d ever want. He cupped my right cheek, and his thumb stroked the length of my scar. “I want to build a life with you.”
“Then say yes.”
He placed his lips on my mouth, my cheek, and, when he leaned back, his lips raised into a grin. “Fuck it.”
I laughed. “Is that a yes?”
“I think it is.” He pulled his hand through his hair and let out a rushed breath.
“Don’t look so scared,” I teased, tugging on his hand as I stood.
He rose to his full height, his shoulders broad as he narrowed the gap between us. “It’s always been my turf, my rules… the shop, it’s part of me.”
“You’re not losing the shop, you’ll just have to get up earlier to open it on time.” I smiled and his fingers wove into my hair cradling my head.
Liam’s eyes fell to my mouth. “You’re in this… all the way?”
“I’m in this.”
He slid his other hand into my hair. His full lips were only inches from mine as his rough whisper heated my skin, “No fucking around, Princess. No more broken promises… it’s me and you.”
“Always… us.”