CHAPTER ELEVEN
Lacey
My life is ruined.
Nothing went the way I'd planned that night with Jake.
When I asked Jake to drink his cum from that bowl, I thought he’d run the other way screaming, never to come back.
But that clearly didn’t work because we just ended up going at it again. And again. And again.
Oh god, why is this happening? But the answer’s clear. I’m well and truly crazy for that man, completely head over heels. And not crazy in a good way. Mostly bad crazy because he’s my mom’s fiancé.
Tears blinded me as I stumbled forwards. But there was no choice. I’m dropping out of school because it’s just a waste of money now. I can’t concentrate on work anymore. Papers? Like I could write one. Problem sets? Straight Ds. Nothing in college made sense, words blurring in front of my eyes, the professor’s lectures a steady “wonk wonk” of nothingness.
So yeah, I’m out.
It’s sad, really.
All that tuition, down the drain.
All that homework, coming to nothing.
And for me? The community I’ve built? The friends I’ve made? The hours of studying? Put on pause, for now at least.
But I have to count my blessings. Aunt Jill is giving me a place to stay until I get my head on straight. I haven’t told her anything because what could she say? It’s more like she’d kick me out if she knew about this thing between me and Jake.
So feet heavy, I trudged to the door.
But Jenna and Denise tumbled in just as I was leaving. They looked terrible as well, like they’d been crying their hearts out.
"Are you sure we can't change your mind?"
Jenna immediately wrapped her arms around me. Tears streamed down both of our faces. I’d already confessed everything, but my friends were just as confused as me.
Denise flopped down on the bed with a pile of letters and mailbox flyers in her lap. She wasn't taking it as bad as Jenna, thank God.
"You don't have to do this, Lacey,” she said staunchly. “You could stay with us while you figure things out. We can help."
I gulped.
“Thanks guys, but it won’t work. You guys have your own lives, and I’d just be a drag.”
But my girls weren’t persuaded.
"This just seems so extreme, Lace. Dropping out? Are you sure?" pressed Denny. “Are you completely sure?”
And I broke down then. Because of course, I wasn’t sure at all. I wanted to stay, but at the same time, my life was falling apart on a much bigger level. The break was needed, if only to get my head screwed on straight again.
So I took a deep breath.
“I’m sure, but I’ll be back,” came my wobbly smile. “You can’t keep me down.”
And all three of us hugged tearily.
“Atta girl,” the ladies chimed. “You go.”
“Thanks guys,” I smiled again, sniffing. “I really appreciate it.”
Just then, my phone beeped with a message that my cab was waiting. "I have to go." Picking up my rolling bag, I leaned forwards for some more hugs.
But Denise pulled away quickly.
"Oh, almost forgot," she said. "Here." She pressed some envelopes into my hands. "Your mail. I was supposed to give it to you yesterday, but you know, with everything going on …." The brunette looked just about as sad as I felt.
Because I was losing everything I'd built, and it sucked. My life at school, my friends. My self-esteem and my sanity. All because of one giant mistake. My tears started to fall again, throat clamping tight.
"Thanks guys, gotta go," I croaked.
"Bye," Denny replied, eyes watery. "Let us help you with your bags." She grabbed the rolling case and Jenna took the heavy purse from my shoulder.
Downstairs, the cab was already waiting. I hugged my friends goodbye again and climbed into the car. Slowly, the vehicle rolled away, and I looked out the window, eyes blurring. Would I ever be back? Would I ever finish my education?
It was impossible to say.
Talk about thwarted dreams.
I’ve never been a big career woman, but still. I had a life here, real friends, and a community. And one big mistake had sucker punched it all. But there was only myself to blame.
Listlessly, I plucked at the stack of envelopes in my lap. There were fliers for the grocery store next door, plus a charity event at a nearby fraternity.
Not for me, anymore.
Fraternity or no fraternity, I wasn’t a student any longer.
I didn’t belong.
Swallowing my sob, my eyes blurred again.
But then I saw it. At the bottom of the mail pile, there was a heavy cream-colored envelope with raised flowers on the edges. My mother’s name linked with Jake’s on the back. Holy shit, holy shit. Their wedding invitation. It was really happening, not just some made-up thing from my imagination.
I cried out from the sudden pain and slapped a hand over my mouth to smother the sound.
The driver peered at me in the rearview mirror.
“You all right, Miss?”
No. I would never be all right. But sometimes you have to pretend just to survive. So I smiled back weakly.
“Yeah. I’m fine,” was my tortured gasp.
But no, I wasn’t fine at all. With trembling hands, I opened the envelope. The wedding was tomorrow. Even though I already knew that, seeing the date in black and white letters knocked me on the head a good one.
My mom and Jake were getting married.
They were really doing it.
Tying the knot, until death do them part.
Oh my god, oh my god! What did that mean? Crazy thoughts spun me around as nausea rolled in waves, making my stomach turn.
Married.
The two of them.
Sharing the same bed.
Limbs locked together, shuddering with pleasure.
Jake doing the same things to my mom that he had done to me.
And yet, it was supposedly right for them to do those things. My mom was the right woman, not me. Amanda was the one, not me. In fact, if people knew, they’d think I was pure evil.
Bile rose in the back of my throat, and I keeled over in the seat, moaning.
The driver slammed on the brakes and the cab lurched. “Girlie, you don’t look too good!” He swung around the face me, concern in his brown eyes. “You want me to pull over?”
But we were practically pulled over already and blocking traffic to boot. I shook my head furiously, still moaning, when all the envelopes tumbled off my lap except for one.
The name leapt out in big block letters.
SAFE HAVEN – A MENTAL HEALTH COMMUNITY FOR EVERYONE.
The address on the envelope was just outside of the city. Easy to reach by taxi. I was trembling too much to make sense even to myself, but by then my mind did a hard left.
“I’m sorry,” I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand and shoved the envelope with the address at the driver. “But can you take me to this location instead, please?”
He looked at the envelope and then shot me a glance of surprise and concern. And they said New Yorkers were all assholes. “Are you sure about this, honey? You know, this is a place for crazy people.”
I laughed hysterically, drawing another look from the poor dude.
“The thing is,” I stammered, barely getting the words out between chuckles. “That I am crazy! I’m a crazy person, and that’s where I need to be!” My words ended on a high-pitched yelp, eyes rolling in my head.
The driver shook his head, snapping around to face forwards. I’d scared him.
“Okay, whatever you want, Miss,” and with that we were off, pedal to the metal. No one wants an insane person in their backseat.
Meanwhile, I sank into the cushion, the fake leather smell overwhelming. Was I doing the right thing? Unfortunately, yes. Nothing I’d done in the last few months was sane. I’d made bad choice after bad choice. Not only that, but my morals needed to be adjusted and my mind put back on the right path. Hell, I needed to find my morals, not just adjust them. It was time to set things right.
And eventually, we pulled up to a tall glass building in the middle of nowhere. The structure looked like any corporate business office, square and nondescript. But this was an insane asylum for sure because there was a high fence around the grassy, green grounds. As I stared, the air fizzled above the fence, dancing before my eyes. Of course. It was electrified so you couldn’t escape.
"Are you sure still?" the driver asked me again slowly. "I can take you back into the city if you want. No extra charge,” he said, eyeing a guard who was obviously packing, a telltale bulge under his armpit.
The offer was tempting, but I had to be strong. Drawing a deep breath, I shot him a watery smile.
"It's okay. Thank you. This is where I need to be anyways." Pressing money for the fare into his hand, I got out. And the driver shrugged then.
"Good luck, girlie," he said as the car rolled off. "I get the feeling you'll need it."
Boy, would I need it. Once the cab disappeared, I squared my shoulders, back straight before approaching the guard.
"I'm here to check myself in." My suitcase handle nearly slipped from trembling fingers, nerves making me shake uncontrollably. But gripping tight, my expression didn’t change. This was going to be my life from now on.
And the guard shrugged, pressing a button. Slowly, the gate swung open, dark and scary like a raven's wings, ominous and foreboding.
Oh god, oh god, did I really belong here? Stepping forwards, my foot faltered. Maybe there was another solution. Maybe I could redeem myself somehow, do good deeds and make up for my past. Maybe I could go to church and beg for forgiveness.
But it was too late.
That kind of forgiveness was over.
I needed a shrink and maybe some meds to set myself straight.
So taking a deep breath, I gripped the handle of my suitcase tight and passed through the massive gates. Something had to give, and this was the only way now. Asking my aunt for help would burden her, and my friends were too young themselves. My mother was out of the question. And as for Jake ….
Oh Jake. My heart pulsed in pain, tears blurring my eyes again. What would he do if he knew I was here? But the thing is, he was getting married tomorrow. The alpha was likely busy with errands, getting his wedding suit together and whatnot.
Oh god.
His wedding suit.
For his marriage to my mom.
And swallowing once more, I stepped forwards, the gates clanging shut behind me. Because I belonged here, for sure. If anything, I deserved being here, after the fucked-up things I’d done. But my heart still cried, a hammer steadily pounding in my brain. Jake, Jake, Jake, it sobbed. Jake, save me please.
But there was no salvation. There was only the insane asylum for me now … and my fragile mental health at stake.