Week Two

WORK AND STUDYING HAS drained me this week, making my eyes nearly drift shut during my Mikes sermon in church. I feel bad because I’ve been neglecting Kate, my parents and even Ben since I’m cramming in as much time as I can with my studies, all while being at the hospital and finishing up classes.

Ben’s been a little off lately, staying mostly silent on our nightly calls and his texts seem forced. I don’t know why, especially after the phone sex we had the other day. I showed Ben parts of me that no one has ever seen and I saw parts of him that I’ve never seen. For me it built up my bond with him more. It’s like a sense of closeness, a feeling inside me where I want to only be his and no longer belong to myself. It’s special. I just hope he feels the same.

My mom nudged me and woke me up a few times at church and when it ended I dragged my butt home and fell face first into bed. When I woke up three hours later, I felt guilty for missing most of the sermon, so I called Mike and asked him to meet me for scripture study.

Halfway there I realized I forgot my phone, meaning I would most likely miss a few texts from Ben before our nightly call. He has a show tonight, so maybe I’ll get back before he does.

Mike spent our time going over most of Corinthians and I could only find comparisions between Ben and the context. They say it’s the chapter of defining love and it couldn’t be more fitting.

I love Ben, I know I do. I’ve yet to say it because I don’t know if he’s there yet. We have only known each other a little over two weeks and I’d be lying if I said this felt normal, because it isn’t normal at all.

“So, how are things with your boyfriend? You like him?” We’re packing up to leave, the time nearing eleven, which is the same time as Ben in his current city. I need to rush home if I’m going to be there to answer his call.

“Yeah, I do like him and things are great, a little rough since he’s on tour, but yeah.” Mike looks at me for a moment, giving me a questionable nod.

“What?”

“Nothing.” He waves me off. “It’s nothing. Just be careful of that life, Sadie. Sin is written in all the dark places that come with his lifestyle.” He’s genuine, not having malicious intent and it makes sense. Mike and I have been really close since I moved here and regardless of my abrupt break-up with him, he has still been kind and caring, his demeanor far from the one he showed me the day I left him for Ben. Mike has grown used to it and moved on, making me feel comfortable enough to come around him again.

“Thank you, Mike. I appreciate it.”

“Anytime. Now get home safe and text me when you get there.”

“Will do. Night!” With a bounce in my step, I make it to my car in a hurry to get to my Ben.

§

I crashed through the front door and ran up the stairs to my bedroom, giving my parents a quick passing hello. Too excited to talk to Ben, I make a beeline for that darn phone.

Entering my room, my phone is already going off.

Just in time.

In a heap of messy hair and heavy breathing I land on the bed and answer the phone.

“Hello!”

“Well hello, you okay?”

“Yeah, sorry. I just got back from scripture study with Mike and I forgot my phone and I was scared I would miss your…” I ramble on, but he stops me before I finish.

“Wait. You were out with Mike? Your ex, Mike?”

“Yeah, he’s my friend.” His question is off-putting, along with the deep scowl on his face. I notice the neon lights of the bar behind him and hear the sounds of men and women walking by.

“I don’t care if he’s your best friend. You shouldn’t be seeing your fucking ex when you have a boyfriend, Sadie.”

“Excuse me? Ben, this is my friend. It wasn’t a date. I went to scripture study with him. I’m allowed to do that.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right the perfect little Christian boy. So you have me on the side to make you feel good, while you keep him on the other side to keep up your religious standards—make you look good.” His words sting me, my stomach drops and my heart beat slows down.

“Ben! No! It’s not like that, it’s something we have always done. Every Sunday night. It’s nothing. I wouldn’t use you like that. How can you say that to me?” The tears build in my eyes, a reaction I wasn’t expecting. The last thing I want to do is hurt Ben, but the look on his face and his attitude tells me I did just that.

“Because you’re embarrassed by me. I get it. You still want someone who can give you that religious shit and I can’t. It’s fine, Sadie. Go ahead and do what you have to do.”

“Ben…” He ends the call and I’m left stunned. What just happened? Why is he acting this way? Why do I feel guilty when I didn’t do anything along the lines of what he was implying?

I rack my brain for a few more seconds before I try and call him back. He had no right to get jealous over Mike and after I wrapped my head around that, the guilt wore off and my sensibility kicked in. That was uncalled for.

Ben doesn’t answer, instead he denies my call repeatedly. I stand from the bed and pace my room, deciding to send him a text. One that I write, erase and rewrite a hundred times.

You’re such a jerk, you didn’t have a right to say that.

No.

Ben, call me. That wasn’t cool. You’re overreacting.

Ugh.

Ben, listen. That was uncalled for but I still want to make this right. I don’t want to fight with you. Call me back.

Finally something that makes sense. I hit send and watch it go through. After it says delivered and read, I wait for a response. But after a minute or two nothing comes—nothing at all. I huff and my heart aches even more. I’ve never fought with someone like this, let alone a man that I love. I pace more and feel that familiar rise of anxiety. I do the only thing I know to do and that’s to call Kate. She’ll make this right. She has to help me see this clearly, because I sure as heck don’t know what to do.

§

“Sounds like he’s just jealous—typical alpha male.” Kate came over shortly after I called in a panic, dressed in her PJs and ready to stay.

“Yeah, but he has nothing to be jealous about and to react that way? For it to escalate that quickly. That isn’t normal, right?” Taking a sip of my water, I squeeze the pillow closer to me, the one Ben laid his head on when he slept here our last night together.

“Depends on the guy. Sure I don’t agree, but I’m the same as him in a way. I’m super jealous, I have a ton of insecurities. Maybe Ben does, too.”

I scoff. “Have you met Ben? He’s so into himself. That was one of the annoyingly charming things that made me fall for him.”

“True. But maybe that’s just a facade to hide behind, or maybe he has something else going on. You need to talk to him.”

“I tried! He won’t answer.”

“Want to call Nick? I got his number.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, here.” She rattles off the number. Standing from the bed in Ben’s shirt and my sleep shorts, I hit call. I feel Kate’s eyes on me as I bite at my nails waiting for an answer.

“Hello?”

“Nick, uh hi. It’s Sadie. Um, I’m sorry it’s late. It’s just Kate gave me your number and Ben and I had a fight and I just wanted to make sure he’s okay. He won’t answer me.” I’m rambling like a hot mess express train.

“Hey, sweetie. Yeah, he’s here with me. He passed out. He was upset at the bar and drank a little too much.”

“Oh, okay. I’m sorry. This is all my fault. I feel terrible that he’s upset. Can you just tell him I’m sorry and I want to talk about this? To call me when he gets up?”

“Yes, I can do that. And don’t worry, this isn’t your fault. Okay?” I’m stunned that he’s not telling me to take a leap. He must think I did something awful to cause Ben to go out and drink himself into a slumber.

“Thank you. You’re kind. Yeah, just yeah, okay. Sorry. Thanks Nick, have a good night.” I go to end the call but he stops me.

“Hey, wait.”

“Yeah?” I put the phone to my ear again.

“Sadie, he’s different. He has a lot of things about him that make him hard to understand. But be patient with him, I see how he’s close to you and right on the brink of telling you everything. Please give him that time. You may be his last hope.”

“Oh.” It’s all I can say. Even that little glimpse of just how complex the man I’m in love with, is heartbreaking.

“You’re the only one he let in. That tells me you have more strength than you know.” With that he ends the call and I’m left in the middle of my room with more questions than ever and even more uncertainties than before. Who is Ben Cooper and how do I help him?

“Still not talking?” Kate interrupts my thoughts.

“Nope. He’s wasted. He went out and got drunk over this stupid fight.” I huff.

“Is that why you look like you’ve seen Mother Mary?”

“Hush.” I roll my eyes and sit back down. “And no, he just said something that has me all sorts of confused.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know something about being strong enough to handle whatever Ben is going through.” I shake my head, not really sure at all what to do with this information—that was a lot of vague stuff to dump on me.

“Geez, what the hell is he hiding? Oh my God, maybe he owns a sex compound and he plans to turn you into a nymphomaniac,” she teases and I actually laugh a little.

“Haha, so funny. No, Kate, I’m serious. I don’t know what to do.”

“Get some rest, sleep on it and say a little prayer.” She winks and I push her shoulder.

“Whatever, you’re no help.”

However, I do just that. Closing my eyes, I say a silent pray in the hopes that we’ll work this all out tomorrow.

§

Waking up with a stress headache the size of the Atlantic Ocean, I roll over and see Kate is still asleep. It can’t be later than seven a.m. My internal hospital clock wakes me up at all kinds of odd hours. Rolling out of bed, I slip out of the room silently, not wanting to wake her—she’s a beast if you wake her too early.

Heading downstairs, I come into the kitchen and see mama and papa already having their morning coffee and some kind of baked good that mama made.

“Morning, sweet girl. How you feeling today?” Stanley asks first and like always, I hide nothing from my parents.

“Not good, Ben and I had our first fight.”

“Fight? What on earth about, sweetie?” Mama chimes in with avid concern.

“I mean it wasn’t really a fight, it was more of a misunderstanding. I don’t know, it was stupid.” I take my coffee cup and slump down into a chair at the table. I’m sure I look like a million bucks—not.

“Couples have disagreements, baby. But you have to make a choice if it was something big enough to break up over or something you can talk out and resolve.” Papa’s words sound so much easier said than done. I know that I can work through this with him if he would just call me, but that’s not the point. The point is more about the nature of why he was so upset. We talked for less than a minute and within that time he went from my boyfriend to a jealous… I don’t know—ex?

“I know. I’ve just never been in this position before. Did you and mama ever fight?” I look between the two of them and watch them share a glance then laugh.

“Did we? Oh honey, we still have fights. Sure they have become less heated and definitely more mature, but we’ve had years of practice.” Papa grabs my hand and caresses the back of it with his thumb. “Besides, you and Ben are young. You both have a lot of differences. You’ll learn each other and how to compromise. Promise.” Oh, how I envy that wisdom. With age that may come, but I’m only nineteen. I know what I’m feeling is love for the first time. I can’t act as if I know it all when it’s only just begun.

“True. I just hate that he’s on the road and I can’t just go see him.”

“I bet. Speaking of, once you two work this out, we want to meet the boy.” Mama changes the subject, bringing a smile to my face even if it’s just temporary. The thought of my parents meeting Ben makes me extremely happy. I was worried when I told them he was not a believer in God, that they would advise me away from him. But, surprisingly, they did the opposite.

Papa just told me to be careful and keep on the moral path and mama advised me to not push my religion on him and to accept him for the way that he is because we all have a story. And believe me, I know Ben has a story, a deeper story than the little things about him that I have already learned and when I learn it, I know it may change my entire view of him—for the better and possibly for the worse.

“He gets back next Friday. We can have dinner or something?”

“Sounds perfect, you bring the dessert.” Mama winks and we get lost in conversation as my mind wonders to Ben.

Please call me, baby.

§