SOUND CHECK FINISHED EARLY but I stayed behind, alone. After my fight with Sadie, which was my fucking fault, I needed a minute. I don’t know what possessed me, other than the drugs and alcohol, to say what I did to her. She’s not a prude, our sex life is fucking phenomenal and I don’t want anyone else. Simply put, I’m a fucking prick.
Sitting center stage, I strum a few cords on my guitar, my cheek resting against the lower bout of the body. I watch my hands move across the strings effortlessly and Sadie’s song finds its way out. I sing it over and over again, wanting it to be perfect for tonight when I sing it to her for the first time.
If this shit doesn’t make her forgive me, I don’t know what will, because in a little over two months I have said sorry for my poor behavior on multiple occasions and those sorrys are becoming jaded. I need something epic to get her to listen to me.
We talked more about my dad the other day. As I smoked a joint I told her about some of the worst times he beat my mother and I. She cried for me and kissed my lips a thousand times with each sorry she said and I took her pity willingly. We talked about my mother, Grace, the greatest woman in my life besides Sadie.
Now on that train of thought, my fingers change from Sadie’s song to my mother’s. The acoustic sound of Amazing Grace echoes in the venue, carrying out over the empty chairs. She would sing me to sleep with this song when I was little and it was the first song I ever learned to play on the piano.
The cords sound peaceful and they isolate me, as if the entire room has gone dark and it’s only me. Bringing my chin to rest on the lower bout, I swear I can see her in the center of the room, in the front row wearing her favorite blue dress, smiling up at me with her big brown eyes glistening in pride.
What I wouldn’t give for her to be here right now to help set me straight, to make Sadie and me stop the cycle of fighting. The image of Sadie standing beside my mother shatters me. I keep playing, the melody slowing as I let a few tears travel down my cheeks and onto the body of my guitar.
Sadie is the only good thing left in my life and if I don’t make this right, I will lose her. I know down deep that, that loss would be as hard, if not harder, than when I lost my mother. Sadie means that fucking much to me.
“Ben, baby?” Looking up into the audience it’s as if I’m daydreaming. There Sadie stands, peering up at me with her face drawn down in remorse. I don’t answer as I place my chin back down again and keep my eyes on her, finishing the last of the song.
She just watches me as I watch her. I’m no longer crying, but she is, taking on my pain for me. “Hey,” I croak out, my voice thick and dry.
“Your mom?” she questions, moving up the stairs at the side of the stage.
I nod. “You don’t have to do this to yourself anymore, Ben.” Taking the guitar from me, she places it on the bench at the piano. I wish it were as simple as she makes it sound.
“It’s never that easy, Sadie. I’m not that easy.” She looks beautiful in nothing but one of our band tees and a pair of skinny jeans. Her hair is hidden under a baseball cap and her makeup is little to none.
“We can find another way to help you cope, we can see someone. Please understand what this is doing to us.” I keep my hands in my lap and my eyes on them as they poke and prod at my jeans.
“Maybe.” The thought of seeing a therapist just brings me back to those two years I was in foster care. I sat in a room with a state therapist and all she did was nod her head and hand me pills.
“Ben, I can only do so much. We aren’t even a few months in and this is starting to happen more and more. I know you’re hurting and I know that you don’t do this to hurt me, but it is and what’s worse is you’re hurting yourself.”
“I know.” I can’t argue her, but I can’t defend myself either. All I can do is learn to control my temper and not say stupid shit when I’m fucked up—if that’s even possible.
“I’m sorry and I’ll get better, I promise.” Finally I touch her skin, my hands moving up her legs, ending just under the curve of her ass.
“Ben, something has to give. I’m starting to drown here and I want to make this work. Please start using me as a release instead of pushing me out.” I nod, thankful that she’s here offering herself up on a platter for me. Her willingness to be my keeper and my own personal form of therapy is astounding after what I said to her last night.
Sadie is not weak, she’s not submissive. The way she is with me shows strength in multitudes, the fighter in her is what makes her amazing.
“You’re way too good to me.” Leaning forward I kiss her stomach, resting my forehead there as her hands massage my head.
“It’s because I love you.”
“And I love you, angel mine.”
§
“Texas, you fucking killed it tonight!” The crowd roars to life as the house lights come on and shine over the sold out show.
“Tonight has been amazing! You’re one of the best crowds we’ve seen. So before we go tonight, I wanna slow things down and play you an exclusive song that I wrote for our new album.” I take a seat and Nick brings me out my guitar as I adjust the mic stand. The crowd yells out an array of whistles, screams and “I love yous.”
“I love you guys.” I laugh. “So as many of you know I recently to my beautiful everything, Sadie. She’s right over there, take a look at her.” I point to side stage where she stands next to Nick and the crowd hollers. Shaking her head at me, a blush creeps across her cheeks.
“That little thing knocked me on my ass and I haven’t been the same since. So I wrote this song for you, baby. I hope you like it.” The lights dim for a second as I play the first notes of her song.
You were unexpected, like a freight train into my heart.
Unpredicted, coming into my world and breaking it all apart.
I never had much faith in believing, but you came right in and changed my every meaning.
I peer to her and see those blue eyes filled with tears, those high cheeks round from her smile. She holds a hand over her heart and I feel that same heartbeat that I feel against my chest every night as she lays across my bare chest.
You’re my heartbeat, my everything and more.
You took my love and made me beg on my knees at your door.
I never wanted you, but then I found you and that changed it all.
You’re my religion, my hope and baby, please catch me as I fall.
Maybe it’s those baby blues, or that sweet southern style.
Or baby it’s that sassy little way about you, that perfect little smile.
I know I got issues and I’m broken inside, but here in this moment, with you by my side, you make it better.
You’re my heartbeat, my everything and more.
You took my love and made me beg on my knees at your door.
I never wanted you, but then I found you and that changed it all.
You’re my religion, my hope and baby, please catch me as I fall.
I keep repeating the words and each time I do, I feel our fight slip away and our relationship strengthen. The song ends and the crowd goes wild. The boys and I take a bow and I grab my blazer, throwing it on my sweaty bare back.
“Night Texas! Thank you!” The lights dim and I head off stage. I put my hands on Sadie and that spark ignites. Her hands roam my chest as our lips lock and we try to taste each other. I moan and pull away looking back to find Nick.
Sadie loses my lips but finds my neck, sucking and leaving kisses against my throat.
“Nick!” He comes walking over after I yell his name, not removing my hands from her ass, I give him a knowing look.
“What’s up?” Sadie pulls away and hides her face in embarrassment, but I have zero shame.
“Get us a hotel, now,” I demand and he nods, pulling out his phone and walking away from us again.
“You make me crazy. That was beautiful,” Sadie whispers the second he disappears. Her body is alive, her nipples grazing my chest, her hands touching me all over, her cheeks red and flushed.
“I thought you’d like that.”
“I loved it. I don’t understand how it’s possible to love someone as deeply as I love you.”
“I don’t know either, angel mine, but it’s real and I will fight for this to work. I’ll fight to keep you.”
“Fight for me right now. Take me to the hotel and fight for me.”
“Gladly, baby.”
§