“IT MAY MAKE YOU question your religion, Sadie, but it made me feel religion. I’ve only felt real religion when I’ve touched you.” I gasp, my breath emptying from my lungs. My head is spinning, my guilty conscious is overflowing and my heart is beating so fast it could probably leave my chest if it picks up any more speed.
Everything about tonight has contradicted everything I have said and any morals I have chased. We kissed, he made me orgasm, he made me forget any sense of God or Mike. That terrifies me, yet the way that he made me feel still thrills me. I like Ben. I hate Ben. I’m torn up over how I can feel the way I do about him in such a short amount of time. I’m not declaring love or anything, it’s too soon for that, but I’m declaring that he makes me want to explore the unknown and find out what is on the other side of my bible.
“I feel it, Ben. I do. But that doesn’t mean we should be sitting here like this, doing the things we did and you telling me that I belong to you. I belong to myself—to the Lord—until I find the man I’m supposed to be with,” I admit, my hands flexing against his chest.
“Leave Mike, be with me. I can show you so many things Sadie.” I bite my lip, conflicted.
“Ben…”
“Don’t make me beg, this isn’t normal for me either Sadie. You may be battling your morals, but I’m battling my entire life. I never wanted one woman. I never wanted to try. Think of this, baby, if we feel this way after one day, what will one week, or a month, or a fucking year be like?” He’s a rock star. He drinks, he smokes, he loves fast women. How can I even think of anything other than a caution sign strapped against his head that says run? I don’t know, call me young, call me naive, but Ben is making all the sense in the world, even in the most unusual circumstances. Am I really about to give in?
“Okay, but what about touring and the whole sex thing? I’m not having sex with you, Ben. I can accept your lifestyle, but you need to respect me. I won’t have sex with you. I won’t share either.”
“As long as I can be the only one to have you, I don’t give a fuck. You have me by the fucking throat Sadie. And other women don’t stand a chance, they never fucking did,” he admits and I melt. I’ve never felt so beautiful in my life. I never had a man lust for me or desire me like Ben has and even if lust and desire are the root of all evil, he makes me want to walk that line.
“Promise me we won’t regret this Ben,” I beg and he takes my yes as a green light. Dropping his lips to mine again, he peppers them in soft, feather like kisses. The kind that make knees weak and hearts break.
“I can’t promise you anything other than whatever is happening between us. I plan to ride it out and chase it, because it’s the realest thing I’ve felt in years.” He searches my eyes and I reciprocate, him looking for approval and me looking for any reasons to back out, but I find none.
“Mine. I have my own angel.” He moans against my lips, sliding his tongue across the swell of my bottom lip. I close my eyes and let the musician take over my mouth, teaching me how to really connect with someone with just a kiss.
“Mmm, leave Mike and come boating with us tomorrow.” He breaks our kiss and my head spins, still feeling the electricity on my lips, the plushness of his on mine.
“I have church at nine, I’ll be done by ten, then I’ll tell him. What time are you going?” He kisses the tip of my nose and I catch myself wondering how this rock star, who is so cockily confident in himself, is such a gentle toucher.
“We’ll leave at eleven. I’ll pick you up.” I nod, nervous about tomorrow and having to break up with Mike—hopefully I won’t break his heart.
“Now, how about you let me watch you study while I get my guitar and write some music?” He pulls from me to stand, righting his jeans. I don’t miss the way he grabs his crotch to hide his obvious erection. Oh boy, this is gonna be hard.
“Yeah, um sure.” I nod and let him leave long enough for me to grab some water and cool myself down. What does it mean to be with Ben Cooper? That is the question I really study instead of my textbooks for the next few hours.
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“You’re dating a rock star after knowing him for less than a day? You’re leaving me for him? Oh, Sadie, seriously. Do you know how dangerous and wrong that is? Sweetie, this isn’t like you. I can’t believe you’re letting Satan tempt you to be with someone like that,” Mike scolds me like I’m a child. Trust me, I stayed up all night raging a war inside over Ben.
I thought about right versus wrong, good versus evil, all of it tearing me up inside, but the good outweighed the bad every time. Ben wrote beautiful words last night, he played his guitar effortlessly, and his voice was like passing ships in the night, mysterious and beautiful. All of it is enough for me to trust my heart on this one.
“Mike, I’m sorry. I know this is sudden, but I like him and I want to explore this with him,” I admit.
“Explore? What, have sex with him? Sadie, I’m so disappointed in you. The Lord wouldn’t approve.” He throws religion in my face, using God against me, and it stings. I drop my head irritated that he’s treating me like a child and hurt that he’s using my religion against me.
“You don’t know him,” I defend Ben, standing at the bottom of the stairs that lead into our church.
“No, I know that kind and they’re not good people. Sinners is what they’re called Sadie. You should be settling down with a man of God, not a rock star who is disease ridden with sin.” My mouth falls open and I have to restrain myself from yelling. He’s a totally different person than the man I thought I knew. I don’t hate him but I certainly don’t like him at the very moment.
“You know, Mike. I may be sinning by being with a man who goes against everything I stand for, but at least I’m not judging him. God said that we should love everyone, even the sinners—that we should not judge. Well, you’re judging and you can call me a sinner or a whore for being with someone you don’t approve of, but you’re just as guilty of sin as I am for judging him. Goodbye, Mike.” I leave him standing there silent, no words to comment back with. I’m fuming with anger, discontent over how he handled this and how he spoke about Ben and I.
I may be young, but I know what I’m doing.
I know that I’m playing with fire by dating Ben, but I also realized last night that I shouldn’t judge him for who he was, but only by who he is when we’re together and how he treats himself and me. If he can respect me and respect my love in Christ, then I can accept him in all the ways that he is too. I can accept his lifestyle.
Besides we’re just dating, I don’t even think we’re a couple. Ben and I could be over before we even start. How dare Mike accuse me of being a bad person. He knows nothing about us. Nothing, because I don’t even know enough about us yet.
I hurry to my car and climb in. Taking a second, I say a quick prayer to make this day turn right back around. I’m going on an official date with Ben today. I should be thrilled, not feeling guilty.
Seeing it’s nearing ten thirty, I make the drive back to my house to get changed. On the way, I call Kate.
“Hell—o!” she answers. I shake my head at her pun and move on.
“Hey, what are you wearing on the boat? Ben invited me and I think I have a bathing suit from my family trip to Hawaii last year, but nothing else.” I pull into my driveway, climb out and run as fast as I can in heels to get inside.
“That bright pink one piece? Ew no, I’ll be over. I have some old one pieces I don’t wear. I have a really cute black one that will look phenomenal on your big boobies.” I laugh.
“Okay, I still want to look as modest as possible, Kate.” I haven’t told her that I broke it off with Mike or that Ben and I kinda hooked up yet.
“By the way, I still find it weird that you’re hanging out with Ben? Got something you want to tell me?” So intrusive.
“I’ll explain it when you get here. Bring a couple options. I don’t want to be stuck wearing the sluttiest thing you own.”
“I’m no slut, I have no idea why you would think I own anything slutty.” Chuckling, I hear her starting up her car.
“You aren’t a slut. It’s your clothes that are questionable. I’ll see you in a minute.”
“See ya in a sec.”
Ending the call, I make quick work of taking off my makeup from church and putting my curly hair into a messy bun on my head. I strip down to nothing and head into the bathroom to put on some suntan lotion. I look myself over in the mirror, and spend some time looking over my body. My toned stomach is long, my hips wide, my breasts full and heavy, the roundness of my bottom giving me a voluptuous look and right now looking at my body, I feel womanly. I have never looked at my body this way before.
“Sade? You in here?” Kate asks from my bedroom. Grabbing my silk robe, I throw it on and bring the lotion from the bathroom.
“Yeah, I was getting my lotion. Okay, let’s see what you have.” Sitting on the edge of the bed, she dumps out her bag. She’s already dressed in a two piece coral bathing suit. The edges have lace around the trim of her breasts. Her lean stomach is showing, the light smatter of freckles on her rib cage are on display, highlighting another one of her many beautiful traits.
“Try this one, it’s my black one piece.” She tosses me the fabric. Grabbing it, I remove my robe.
“Sade, we need to take you to get a wax.”
“Kate!” Hurrying, I run the material up and over myself, covering my privates. I barely have hair there, she makes it sound like a beast is down there.
“I trim it, I don’t need to get rid of it all,” I scoff, sliding on the straps.
“Yeah, but it’s much better completely bare. Trust me and Ben’s a rock star.”
“So?” Not getting her point, I step in front of the mirror. The tight suit fits me just right. Of course my more than generous breasts are out and the suit hugs my butt tight enough that more than half of each cheek is showing, but I can wear shorts over it.
Going to my drawers, I pull out some knee length denim shorts and slide them on, feeling much more comfortable.
“So, he has seen many va-jay jays. I bet they all had shaved ones. What if you and Ben get hot and heavy and he finds your patch of hair? He may prefer bare lady bits.” I don’t need reminding that Ben has had more experience than I care to think about. It doesn’t matter though. Ben and I agreed we would see where this goes without that stuff.
“We’re just dating, that won’t be happening, Kate. You know that.” She knows better than anyone my views on sex before marriage.
With a roll of her eyes, she waves me off. “Sadie, dating two guys at once. What has gotten into you? And last I checked you were repulsed by Ben. What happened last night?” Sitting on the bed next to her, I start putting on the lotion.
“Well, I broke it off with Mike this morning. I didn’t feel right going on a date with Ben, especially after we…kissed.” I cringe, nervous to hear what will come flying out of her mouth.
“Sadie Jay McCallister! What water did you drink? Who are you right now?” She nudges my shoulder and I laugh with her.
“I know. It’s crazy, but he came over last night and we started talking, then playing around, being totally open with one another, then we just kissed.”
“And! Oh my God, details woman!”
“I don’t know, Kate, it was wild. We just clicked. I mean we didn’t say much, but what we did say was enough. He made me feel comfortable, like we’ve been best friends for the longest time. Oh! And then he said these things after we kissed—when I told him about Mike— things that should have me running for the hills, but don’t.”
“Like?” she asks, bouncing a little, her eyes wide in wonderment.
“He said that I was his now and that he feels things for me that he shouldn’t. It feels surreal Kate, like we’re too young, too afraid, but never more alive.”
“Wow, you got it bad. Damn, Sadie. I would have to say you found yourself in a young love spell and you better grab the reigns cause Ben doesn’t sound like the type to share. Eric says he never has, anyway.”
“It’s not love. We’re only two days in,” I choke out, handing her the bottle and standing.
“Please, we’re young Sadie and no one can tell us to feel what we want to feel because we still haven’t learned everything.”
“I know what I want in life and I’m not impulsive. Besides, this is only our first real date.” I grab a bag, a bottle of water, my towel and some more sunscreen. Grabbing my Ray-Bans I put them on and get us downstairs as the doorbell rings.
“Last night was the preliminaries, Sade, you are in it now.”
“Drop it, let’s go.”
She doesn’t say another word and I’m glad, I don’t need too many opinions in my life at once. I just want to get to know Ben and figure out why I feel drawn to the man I hated then liked within twenty-four hours. This serious case of whiplash is intriguing to me. Opening the door, I see Ben standing there with a grin on his adorable, yet handsome face.
“Damn, you look beautiful today, baby.” Stepping in, he wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me up and against him. Leaning in, he pecks me once on the lips then on my cheek.
“You’re sweet. You look handsome, too.” I notice his snapback and matching Ray-Bans like mine. When he notices mine too, he taps the side of them and smirks at me, speaking without words.
“Well shit, Ben. I didn’t think anyone could make Sadie go gaga in the head. Nice work, but make no mistake, I will break your knees if you fuck with her,” Kate threatens with her arms crossed just beside me. It lasts all but two seconds.
“Damn that’s sexy, baby. Come here,” Eric announces walking up the steps of my porch. Kate squeals and flies past us to jump in Eric’s arms. She moans and they start going at each other, his hand on her butt, grabbing her breast with the other.
“Hate to break the lovefest, but we have neighbors. Can you two refrain from making a live porno?” I chuckle and Ben laughs.
Bending down, he whispers in my ear. “One day I want to touch you like that.” I gulp, my eyes bulging and my legs weakening at the thought.
“I…we…I told you we can’t do that,” I stutter.
“Yet. Who knows what can happen between us, baby.” He bites my ear and I physically crumble in his arms, whimpering like a wounded puppy. Catching me, he kisses the side of my forehead. “Easy baby.” I nod and blink a couple times. “Now, let’s get this fucking show on the road!” he yells, letting my waist go and placing his hand in mine. I walk on shaky legs with a foggy mind as we pile into his car. Today shall be interesting.
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