SADIE’S PREGNANT, SHE’S BEEN pregnant and yet it still feels like we found out yesterday. The thought of having a child that has any part of my make up makes me sick to my stomach. No matter how good of a person Sadie is, I can’t fathom the idea of our child growing up like me.
I know she wants to divorce me and I don’t know what I can do to stop her. Last time she separated from me, I was able to win her back with begging and all the sex I could give. I filled her up with broken promises, but now what ammo do I have?
It sobered me up faster than any kind of therapy could when she told me she was pregnant. Since then I’ve straddled a thin fucking line of what to do. Part of me wants to give her this divorce and grant her a way out. But the better part of me, that small amount of my mother inside me, lit a fucking fire under my ass and had me running around clinging to every single thing possible to keep me sober and clean.
After each show, I leave. I get in a cab or an Uber and drive around for hours with no destination, just to keep me from going out to drink with the band. Some nights, I walk around the venues, walking in circles and exhausting myself so I won’t have to fight anyone. On the even more rare occasions, I find a support group and plant my ass in a different seat and bare my shit to a room of new strangers. Anything—anything, to keep me sober.
Tonight I went with the guys, agreeing to only go to eat at a restaurant, no bar—no anywhere where some drunk fuck face can get me pissed off enough to fight. Before I left though, I saw my angel naked, catching a sweet glimpse of her tiny stomach.
Sadie’s changing fast, her hair growing thicker and longer, her skin glowing, her tiny little legs and creamy curves getting little white lines. It’s perfection. A ballad I so badly wish I could write. My wife heavy with our child is the greatest song that I have ever written and yet, I can’t even finish the song.
Now with only seven days left, I have to prove to her that I’m sober and make her fall in love with me again—I have to convince my wife to love me and not leave me. I made her love me in three days the first time, let’s hope I can do it in seven after all the damage I caused.
None of the guys know where I go or what I do when I disappear. JJ and Jason are convinced I’m stepping out on Sadie, while Eric thinks I’m up to something—which I am. God knows what Sadie thinks, but I had to do this on my own. I didn’t want to promise her something and not follow through on it again. I wanted to be able to come to her with my heart in my hands. Having the upper hand was the only way I could get her to believe I was actually going to get better this time.
I ate a shit ton of pizza, my appetite much stronger since I stopped smoking. We talked a little, Jason flirted with the waitress, as did Eric, getting her number which I’m sure Kate will castrate him over.
After that, we decided to head back. I want to see Sadie, even if it’s just watching her sleep.
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Opening the bus door, I step in and find Nick sitting up at the end of the couch with his head rolled back, asleep. Sadie’s laid out beside him with her feet in his lap, the tiny blanket covering her body looks like it’s doing nothing to keep her warm, but her little pouty lips are puckered and she’s breathing deeply, fast asleep. I grip my chest at the sight. Nick got her out of bed and the to-go boxes on the tour bus table tell me she finally ate something.
The boys all make their way back to the bunks, picking on Nick by flicking his nose or putting something on his head. I get down on my haunches and remove my snapback, placing the brim backwards so I can get closer to Sadie. My leather jacket tightens around my back as I touch her delicate face.
“Angel mine, you gotta wake up.” I run my thumb across her cheek when she finally stirs. Blue eyes flutter open and adjust to my face. For a brief moment she shares a smile with me, happy to see me, but it passes like a bolt of lightning.
“Hey, sorry we fell asleep watching a movie,” she whispers, sitting up, careful to not wake Nick.
“You’re good, let’s get you to bed.” Helping her up, I walk behind her, my hands on her hips. She tiredly says good night to all the boys as we pass them, swaying back and forth in a tired haze. Once in the back room, I close off our door and give us some privacy.
I help her strip out of her jeans. “I see there was take-out, did you finally eat?” Nodding she yawns, shimmying her hips to help me remove her skinny jeans. I groan inwardly when I lower to my haunches with her pants. Her tan skin is so smooth and her pussy smells sweet, so potent I can smell it from inches away.
“Yeah, tacos. Believe it or not.” She giggles light heartedly and relaxed from both exhaustion and a food coma.
“I love tacos.” I flirt a little, taking advantage of her incoherent state. She picks up on my innuendo.
“I know you do, Ben. Maybe too much.”
“I don’t think so. I happen to think I could have tacos for breakfast, lunch and dinner. What do you think?” She shakes her head and her face changes. I lost her.
“Please wait until we’re divorced before you cheat more than you have. For me, for the baby.” Shaking my head at her, my brows set in fury.
“What? Cheat on you? I’ve never cheated on you, Sadie.” Stepping away, she drops her eyes.
“Ben…” She sighs and begins to cry. “Don’t lie to me, please. You’ve done enough to destroy me, don’t lie and make it worse.”
“Destroyed you?” I choke, swallowing my emotions.
“Yes, you destroyed who I was. You broke me so far past healing and all I ask is that you have mercy on my heart and not cheat. Give me this one last wish.” She cries, sitting on her side of the bed. I don’t even care about the cheating part because that is far from the truth, but I can’t handle her saying I destroyed her.
“Please don’t say I destroyed you. I didn’t, angel, come on,” I beg, hoping she takes back those words. I drop to my knees in the tight space next to our bed and grip her arms in my hands. I shake her slightly as she cries, making me lose control over my emotions.
“You did, Ben. I can’t even look at you anymore because all I see the end of who I was.”
“No! No baby. Come on, we can work through this, okay? Don’t fucking say that, please.” I grip her hips and drop my head in her lap, broken because I didn’t think the damage was this bad. I had no idea she was this far removed from me. Seven days will never fix this, they can’t even scratch the fucking surface.
“Give me seven days, please. Seven days of you and me. Nothing else. Give me seven more days with you to fix us,” I beg, kissing her little legs and moving my shirt so I can kiss her little belly. “If not for me, do it for our child.”
“You don’t want us anymore, Ben. You made that clear.” She tries to push my lips away from her but I don’t let her. I kiss harder, sucking and crying over the skin of her belly—leaving my marks of ownership over her and our child. They are mine, my life and I see that now and I would be a fucking fool to let them go.
“Ben! Please!” she cries harder, pushing me away.
“No, please Sadie, please, please, please.” I lay her back as she bangs on my chest, screaming and fighting under me. “Please,” I plead, kissing her chest, her neck, her cheek, her lips. I remove her shirt and panties as she cries, not letting her slow me down. I’ve become a punching bag and it does nothing to falter my movements. I remove my jacket and shirt, giving her access to my skin.
“Ben, please!” she cries, scratching and hitting my chest over and over while she thrashes under me.
“Take it out on me, Sadie. Hurt me, angel. I deserve it.” I pull her naked chest to mine and I cradle her as she cries. I needed this moment, her skin on mine, our heartbeats thundering against each other as I attempt to undo the worst of the worst damage. She wraps her arms around me and punches my back—hard—screaming against my chest.
I whisper in her ear, “Shh, baby please.” There’s a knock on the door and Nick’s voice comes through the thin wood.
“Ben, what’s going on in there?”
“Leave us alone, Nick! I got this!” I yell.
“Breath baby, relax. I’m sorry.” Finally her punches get weaker and fewer in between cries. I hear Nick outside the door and I swear I’ll lose my restraint if he comes in here.
Sadie cries over and over while I beg for this last week, her eyes going dull and her body becoming stone under my touch.
“One week, baby. Just one. I promise I’ll fix what I’ve done to you, then you can leave me and I will never bother you again.” I know that’s a lie, because I’ll never let her leave. She shakes her head repeatedly telling me no each time as she cries. I rub her back until her body gives out and she shuts down. I have to convince her to stay—I just have to.
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