I HAVE NO IDEA how last night transpired, since it happened so fast. One second I was asleep after a night out with Nick, and the next Ben and I were fighting and screaming and I was beating his chest repeatedly as I begged him to stop hurting me.

This morning I woke up to his arms around me. I stay still, not wanting to wake him, too afraid if I do we will just fight again. I won’t lie, his arms around me for the first time in days feels nice. I won’t deny the fact that I miss the Ben I once knew, the one I lose when I reach across the sheets and find coldness. Or the eyes I no longer see when I first open mine. Or his touch when we’re lost in one another.

“Good morning,” he whispers and my eyes close tight.

Crap.

“Morning.” I shift a little and it causes him to tighten his grip.

“You hate me and that’s okay, but I promise I will make this right. I will help you find yourself again, Sadie.” I shiver and the tears find their way out, already crying just three minutes into the start of my day. He has no idea, not one inkling of the depths of pain he has caused me, what he has truly done to my soul. They say heartbreak feels like death and in this moment I already feel six feet under.

“You say that now, but you’ve never been able to keep your promises. Ever. And I don’t know if I have it in me to ever trust you again,” I admit, his arms tightening around me and my body still growing colder.

“I know. I don’t blame you for that and all I can do is show you. No more empty promises, only actions and results.”

“Why? What is your gain?” I finally ask, wiping at my tears.

“I want my family, I want to change the hands of time and leave history where it belongs. In the past. I will be the best husband and try to be an even better father. Just you wait, angel.” He releases me and I let him leave me alone to cry, not watching him retreat from me.

I almost whisper a prayer, but fall short when I remember just how seriously damaged and unrepairable I am. I have to make a choice and it will not be easy. Do I stay and fight or give up and try to pick up the pieces?

How will I ever trust him when I don’t know if I trust myself to make the right choice anymore?

Today will be the start—an indication if he is truly ready to get better. We’re in Arizona for the today and if he’s still up to following through, he said he wants to see his father while he’s here. Let’s just hope it goes smoothly.

I get up and start to get ready for the day, one foot at a time.

§

I wore a pair of ripped skinnies and a loose fitting “The Roes” tee. My hair is finally long enough to put it in a high loose pony tail and my makeup is light and airy. Ben spent most of the morning in the back of the bus having a meditation session with his therapist via FaceTime while the guys and I went to breakfast. My appetite has snuck back up on me and little baby is loving every second of it.

We make it back to the bus around one, giving us a few hours before sound check. Wandering into the back with a to go box of food for Ben, I find him sitting up in bed, playing his guitar. I didn’t have to bring him food, but for some reason, some small part of me, wanted to make sure he at least ate before taking his medication.

“Hey, how was breakfast?” He starts the conversation first.

“It was good. I brought back some food so you could eat before sound check.”

“Smells like biscuits and gravy.” I nod, dropping my head and smiling at the memory.

“Yeah, Nick took me to Cracker Barrel.”

“I’m starved, besides I need to hurry up and eat. I need to be at the prison in about an hour.”

“You’re going to go before the show?” I ask, a little hesitant with the idea. If Ben gets worked up and thrown into an episode, that can be detrimental before a show.

“Yeah, that’s why I had a two-hour session this morning, I needed the whole zen thing and I’m about to take my pills. Besides, it needs to be done.” He opens the box and takes out a plastic fork from the bag, digging in.

“You seem…normal with all this—like you’re not worried.” His whole demeanor is throwing me off. But what is throwing me off even more is the fact that I’m even talking to him and acting like last night didn’t happen. Well, it did and it doesn’t change anything, but we have one week left on this bus and I have to make the choice for my health and the baby to be civil. If I keep having nights like last night, I may never survive myself.

“I’m terrified, Sadie. But Dr. Jace says I can’t start to fully heal until I face the source of my problems. That would be Darren.” I nod.

“What about the drugs? If this doesn’t go the way you plan it, are you going to rely on those again?”

“No, I’m going to rely on you,” he says confidently and my heart pitter patters. He really is acting as if last night didn’t happen and he’s this changed man. How can he even do that?

“What?”

“You and our child are the only thing I need to make me feel better.”

“But you know where I stand, Ben.” We both know that our marriage isn’t even hanging by a thread, that cord was cut a long time ago.

“I know and I plan to prove to you that you two are the only ones I need. I will make you see the better man in me, Sadie.” He stops eating and bores his eyes into my soul. He wants the baby? Him saying it definitely brings solace to me. Maybe this little baby will have its father in its life after all. I may still be mourning the loss of our love, but at least our child will know both its parents, even if we aren’t together.

“I hope you can fix what you broke, because it seems impossible to me.”

“I know.”

“Why are you not saying anything? You’re being too vague.”

“Because I told you my words are shit. They are mute at this point and the only way I can prove myself to you is by my actions.” I close my eyes and lay my hand above my heart. Ben seems so sure and I really want to believe him. I do. But there is this huge void in the center of my heart that he ripped out each time he promised me something then turned around and smashed it.

“Okay. Let’s go see Darren.” I stand, not strong enough to talk about this anymore.

“Wait, you’re still going?” He joins me, closing the box to his half-eaten breakfast.

“I said I would and I stick by my words.” I insult him, throwing his broken promises in his face. It was a harsh low blow, but it is what it is.

“I deserve that.” He drops his head. “But thank you for coming with me. I couldn’t do this alone.”

I don’t say anything more, I just turn and lead the way.

§

The table we’re seated at in the room full of other families and inmates is basically block cement. It’s uncomfortable and fits the mood perfectly, desolate and painful. Ben’s leg is bouncing up and down and there is a slight sliver of sweat beading around his hairline.

Regardless if we’re at odds, I comfort him. “Hey, relax, you got this far, you’re strong enough to do this.” Leaning in I whisper in his ear, “You have me.” He turns, his leg ceasing and his eyes shimmering. I don’t offer him hope, but I do know that this can’t be easy and I do still care about him getting clean and living a better life. This is part of that—a huge—if not the biggest part of his recovery.

“I really love you, Sadie. Please know that.” My mouth opens to speak and tell him he needs to focus on what he’s here for and not me, but someone else speaks before I can.

“Son?” We both look to the man standing opposite the table with chains between his feet and his hands in cuffs. He looks like Ben, his hair growing a little grey but thick like Ben’s, his facial structure is similar but his eyes aren’t as kind. The color is the same brown, but Ben’s have a softer feel to them. Because Ben is still pure, like his mother, he has good in him that he has yet to find.

“You look so grown up and who is this beautiful young lady? She looks just like your mother.”

“Stop!” Ben snaps and I grab his hand, squeezing it in mine in his lap while my other runs circles over his heated back.

“Stop. Do not talk about my mother like you aren’t in this place for murdering her.” I keep my eyes on Ben for a moment and see him trying to calm himself, breathing deep through his nostrils and releasing through his mouth.

“Ben, I know I did a terrible, unspeakable thing, but I’ve found redemption.” My eyes fly up and zero in on him. Losing my religion or not, I still have history with my faith and this man has lost his mind thinking he could say that to Ben. Out of everything he could say, he chose that? He really must not know his son at all and that’s devastating.

“Redemption? How in the world do you think that if there is a God that he could forgive you?” Ben spits.

“Because your mother taught me every day when we were together that the Lord lives and he forgives. I found that here. He has washed away my sins.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about—what you have done to me.”

“I do, son…”

“Ben, my name is Ben.” His dad nods, briefly pausing. He looks offended and I almost call him on it. He lost that privilege the moment he laid a hand on Ben and he has no right to act hurt.

“Ben, I know what I have done to you and I am sorry. My father did the same thing to me and look where it got me.” He gestures to the surrounding walls.

“You blame him for what you did but you made a choice.”

“Yeah, I did and how does that make you any different. I’m sure you blame me for all the fucked up things you have done in your life. I made a choice and it was mine alone, but you need to know that whatever I did to you, I’m sorry.”

Ben scoffs, shaking his head. I keep my hand tight in his and my other wrapped around his thick bicep. I want to scream at the man across from me and tell him how vile he is, but I know this isn’t my battle—it’s Ben’s. My battle in this war between them has already been fought and I lost. If I could say anything to his father, it would be spewed out words of hate because he is the reason Ben is who he is and that Ben is the same one who loved me and broke me all at once.

“You can’t even say what you did. You say ‘whatever’ I did to you, like it was no big thing or like it didn’t happen. You hurt me every day, you hurt my beautiful mother and took her away from me when I needed her. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to her!” He slams his hands down as the guards straighten up and look over at us. I hold my hand up and they stand their ground.

“Relax, baby. You got this,” I whisper and Ben looks at me.

“Who is she?” Darren gestures to me.

“She’s my wife.”

“What’s your name?” he questions me and with no enthusiasm I respond.

“Sadie.”

“Sadie, you’re very beautiful. I hate that I’m meeting you this way, but welcome to our family.”

“She is not your family, she’s mine and I’m not your family either. I came here today to close this chapter and forget you all together.”

“Ben...”

“No, you listen to me. I do not forgive you. I never will. But I can forget you and that’s what I plan to do.”

“I’m sorry. Please know that.” Darren wears his heart on his sleeve and I believe he’s remorseful, but I do not blame Ben for wanting him out of his life, because this is remorse for himself, not for Grace and not for Ben.

“No, I don’t want to know you’re sorry. I just want you to know that you are dead to me and my mother deserved better than you. She never deserved what you put her through. I hope while you rot away in this place that you know I will walk this earth being a better man than you ever were and your sin may have been “forgiven” by your higher power, but my mother and I will never forgive you. Ever.” With that Ben gets up and leaves, letting the guards escort him out.

I go to stand without a word, still stuck in a haze, when Darren stops me.

“He’s better than I ever was. He may not know it, but I will never forgive myself for hurting him and losing him and his mother because of me. Take care of him for me. I pray you will take care of him and give him a better life.” I don’t respond, I just look at him for mere seconds then turn, leaving him alone for the rest of his life. Following after Ben with his father’s words heavy on my heart, I catch up and walk silently behind his tense form.

What I saw back there spoke volumes to me, it helped me understand Ben and his struggles. There is a deeper heartbreak there then Ben has ever let on. He always shields it away as hate, instead of the truth—it’s pure heartbreak.

I will never forget that moment or the words his father left me with. I feel like I’m a part of Ben’s brand-new scars.

§