Deep breath. Deep breath. Deeeeeeeep breath.
I had a calendar and a pad of paper spread out before me. I was going back, marking off dates and trying like hell to remember how long my longest cycle had ever been. How the fuck would I know when I got my period years ago? I only paid attention to that shit when I was actually having sex.
I tapped a pencil on my chin. I could go back this past year with some accuracy, tying in things Chase and I had done with whether or not we’d used a condom. Since we had sex a whole fucking lot, I couldn’t recall every time, but enough to fill in gaps. My cycles always varied in length, but my body had so many different tells that I could easily figure it out. Why had it failed me now?
Fuck. It looked like thirty-one days was the longest. I was on day thirty-two. But that wasn’t what freaked me out the most. I never got my sign the previous week telling me when I was due for my period, and then bam! It showed up like a rude, uninvited guest the day before. Then wreaked havoc and left after only a few hours.
I had periods for days, not hours.
I stood up and jogged around the room to dispense some nervous energy. I had no idea what was going on with me. Perimenopause? That could fuck up cycles. No, dammit, I didn’t want that either. I wanted a baby, and I wanted one soon. Just not too soon. Not before we had our serious discussion and before I got a checkup to make sure I could have one. But if I was already pregnant, wasn’t that question at least partly answered for me?
Fuuuuck. I don’t have time for this. I should be in the car already. I had to be at the rehearsal early to help set up. I’d already showered, did my hair and makeup. I just had to get dressed. It was near eighty outside, and it’d be warmer up towards the farm. Perry’d gone through a long, nasty flu that made her irritable as hell, and she’d never given me a pink rehearsal outfit to wear. But I wasn’t complaining. I pulled my lavender dress off the hanger. Perfect. If there was ever a day I needed superpowers, this was it.
I slipped it on and did a little twirl in the mirror. Magical. I was already feeling stronger. I wished so badly that Chase was coming with me, but he was meeting me later. He needed to help his parents with something at the house, and he wouldn’t be coming for several hours yet.
I slipped on my sandals, grabbed my purse, and hopped in the car. I wished I could’ve just ridden with Perry and Stephen, but they had the truck so piled with shit there wasn’t enough room. I’d just have to distract myself with music the whole way. Normally not a problem whatsoever. But today? A fucking problem.
My mind was on crack, and I was thinking a hundred miles an hour. I. Could. Not. Slow. It. Down. Arggggh. All I had to do was make it there, and then I’d keep myself busy with the thousand little tasks that needed to be completed before morning. Chase would get there, and then we’d discuss it later after everything else was finished. Easy peasy.
Fuuuuck. I banged my fingers on the steering wheel. Okay. Maybe I was looking at this wrong. I didn’t need to go back through old cycles; I just had to analyze this one. Each one was different, so the length didn’t matter. This one could be forty days and still be normal. And my sign? I could’ve missed it somehow. I was so incredibly busy this past week, being the best damn maid of honor ever and making sure everything possible was taken care of. I didn’t really start to freak out until that morning.
Chase came home twelve days ago. A week before that, I ovulated in bed with Perry. Or at least I was supposed to. I never actually felt it because I must’ve been sleeping when it popped out. If that was the case, my period was still somewhat on schedule, but since it only lasted a short time….
Fuuuuck. I’d felt the twinge that night with Chase. My nerves had jacked high at first, but then I blew it off as a muscle cramp. I’d been lying in bed for almost two days barely using them, so they’d probably just locked up.
But if on the off-off chance that had been egg time, that little fertilized sucker would’ve booked on down and attached to its new home around day—
Holy fuck. I swerved over to the side and pulled out my phone. It took a whole thirty seconds of googling to bring me into full-fledged panic mode.
My body hadn’t failed me. It had communicated flawlessly. My stubborn ass had just refused to listen.
“Looking good, love.”
“Me or the lights?” I was standing on a chair, hanging mason jars stuffed with tea lights on tree branches and doing a damn fine job at it. Despite my shaky hands.
Chase slid his palms up my legs. “Definitely you.”
“Hey, what’s wrong with the lights? I worked hard on them.”
He laughed, knocking me off balance and into his arms. “Nothing’s wrong with them. They just don’t shine as bright as you.”
I made a face. “Hmm… sounds too much like a pickup line.”
“Since you’re coming home with me tonight, I’d say it worked.” He gave me a kiss before I wiggled out of his hold.
“Stop distracting me. So much to do yet, and I need to start on the paper lanterns.” If I didn’t keep up with the busy work, my mind would explode. “How’s it been going with you?”
“Moving along. The chairs are set up, and we still need an extra generator for the band, but—”
“Chase, do you mind going to help my wonderful fiancé and that fuckwad over there? They’re trying to get the air hooked up in the tent. I can’t deal with him anymore.”
“Sure, no problem.” He gave me a quick glance, then headed over.
“Fuckwad?” I raised an eyebrow.
“That dickhead we hired to set up the main tent. He’s fucking incompetent. The guys do a better job, and they don’t even know what they’re doing. Where the fuck’s Alex, by the way?”
“Stephen sent him to pick up more stakes.” I held up one of the pale pink lanterns, and she nodded her approval. I secured it down to the table. “You know, I was wondering when you’d start getting crabby,” I said. “Took long enough for the nerves to kick in.” She’d been abnormally calm all these months and then poof! Crazytown.
“Yeah, I am feeling pretty pissy lately. But it doesn’t help being around assholes.” She jumped back, wrinkling her nose. “What the hell’s that stench?”
“The citronella candles. You picked them out, remember?”
“I’ll get sick if I have to smell that all night, Jills.”
I dropped my head. “Perry, we’ve already tested them out, and they work great for the bugs. Would you rather get divebombed during the ceremony? We’re outside on a damn farm.”
“You don’t have to get all snippy with me now.”
Deep breath. “I’m sorry if it sounded that way. I’m just not sure what else we can do at this point.”
Perry gave me a hug. “I’m sorry too.” Is she crying? “I’m just so whacked out today.” Today? “Do you know what batshit crazy thing your brother asked me the other day? He asked if I was pregnant. What the fuck? Like a girl can’t act like a fruit loop once in a while before her wedding day?”
I pulled back, biting my lip. “Um, I’d actually thought the same thing once or twice.”
She stomped the ground. “Jills, how could you? First of all, I’m on the pill. Second, if I even suspected it, don’t you think I’d tell my best friend right away?”
“Yeah, I guess.” Shit, way to make me feel crappy. I felt like my seams were going to burst any moment, but I needed Chase to be the first one I mentioned it to. “Hey, can you help me hang some lights by the tent?” I was already tired of doing lanterns; I’d come back to it.
“Sure. As long as the fuckwad doesn’t talk to me.”
“Did you hear anything from Daniel?” I asked. He might not want anything to do with me, but he’d better be at his uncle’s wedding.
“As far as I know, he’s coming. God, Jills. I can’t imagine Cassie being so stupid to show her face here, but what if she does?”
I took her hand and pumped it a couple times. “Then we’ll just ignore it. This is your day, and nothing is going to ruin it, okay?”
She nodded. “Any regrets?”
“No.”
I knew she was referring to choosing Chase. The hurt was so incredibly bad not having Daniel in my life, but he was an adult who was making his own way now. I couldn’t toss away Chase’s absolute love for the possibility of becoming close with my son again. Daniel didn’t approve of Chase for reasons that weren’t even valid. Depending on how long Cassie stuck around, this could only be the first of many ultimatums, and I wasn’t going to live my life that way.
“No,” I said again. Perry had been so right. If I had walked away from this love, I never would’ve recovered.
“The whole thing sucks fucking monkey balls, but for what it’s worth, I think you made the right decision. I… I just think you did, that’s all.”
“It’s priceless, Perry. Thank you.” I squeezed her hand once more and said, “Now, how about—”
“Hey, dumbass,” she yelled. “What the hell’s this?” She dropped my hand and marched over to the center of the tent. “There’s supposed to be a peak here, not a fucking valley.”
I lowered my head, shaking it. Poor guy. I went over to one of the bins and pulled out a wad of lights. While she was ripping the hired hand a new asshole, I could get started untangling strands.
Arms tightened around me, and I smiled. “Hi, Chase. Come to help?”
“Hi, baby.” He kissed the side of my neck. “Sign me up. It might be the only chance I get to spend some time with you today. I never thought I’d have to compete against decorations.”
I turned my head back. “Hmm… I knew you had a jealous streak, but I didn’t think that extended to lights.”
“Are you kidding? I’m about to kick some scrawny ass here. I don’t like the way they’re creeping up your arm.”
I laughed, but it had an edge to it. I wondered if he’d noticed. I continued snaking the strand around me, checking for tangles.
He jostled another bunch free from the bin and laid it across the table. “Something bothering you, Jillian?”
“Why are you answering a question with a question?”
“Why are you answering a question with a question with a question?”
“Jillian.” He placed his hands around my waist, and I felt a flutter. A baby kick? No, what the fuck, Jillian? The last I remembered from biology class, babies didn’t have legs at ten days. “Jillian, I can feel it on you.” My eyes widened. What? There’s no way he’s that good. “You’re hiding it by staying occupied, but you’re tense. Tell me why.”
Well, Chase, you see, I was so stressed out the week you were gone that my body decided the environment was a little too hostile to bring a baby into it. So you know, the egg decided to hide out a while until you came home and made it all safe again to come out. That’s all. So, really, it’s your fault for making me feel so damn good and happy, except it’s my fault too for being such a headcase and not paying attention to all the shit I’ve been so good at paying attention to for the last ten frickin’ years—
“Jillian.” Chase interrupted my thoughts, which was fortunate. I was starting to scream so loudly in there it was starting to pound.
“Men are idiots,” Perry said, flopping down on the chair beside us, and we both looked over. “No offense, Chase. I’m mainly just talking about one, anyway. Today, at least.”
“Maybe you should step away and have a few cookies. That’ll cheer you up,” I said.
She waved that off. Seriously, no cookies? Now that I thought about it, I hadn’t seen her mouth on the sugar canister as often as usual. She narrowed her eyes, glancing behind her. “I’m losing it here, guys. Stephen’s not even agreeing with me anymore.”
I chuckled. “Do you know when the officiant’s getting here? We should really do that walk-through before it gets dark.”
“Soon, I think. You know, we should just get married today and be done with it.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Just a spur-of-the-moment thing. Why not? We have our license. We’ll just have the guy marry us now, and then that’ll be it. We’ll pack up and go home.”
“Very funny, Perry.”
“I’m being serious.”
I stared at her. Holy shit, she was serious. “Okay, I know you’re not yourself right now, but no. Just no. You can wait another day.”
She jumped up. “Think about it, Jills. Our parents are here. The wedding party is here. It’s not even supposed to rain tomorrow. At all.”
“Right. That goes in the plus category, Perry.”
“No, it’s bad luck if it doesn’t rain on your wedding day. And it already rained this morning.”
“For two seconds. And you’re not superstitious.”
“Still counts. And it’s not superstition—it’s fact.”
“Then what about seeing each other right before the ceremony? You’re not supposed to do that either.”
She rolled her eyes. “That’s a silly superstition, Jills.”
I sighed. “All right, I give up. But you’re still not getting married today. After all this, after all the guests coming tomorrow… just no. You’re having the wedding as scheduled.”
“Fuck, you’re bossy.” She patted Chase on the shoulder. “I feel for you, buddy.”
She tromped off towards her aunt’s house.
“I hope this thing between you and Perry isn’t contagious.” He chuckled.
I slugged his arm. “I’m not that bad.”
“No, but something’s up. Let’s go take a walk around by the wildflowers.”
“I can’t, Chase. There’s so much to do still and—” I choked up a bit but quickly reeled it in. I was not going to start getting emotional. I had to keep moving until I had the time to figure out what was happening inside me. As if deep down I didn’t already know.
He gathered me into his arms. “You’ve been running around nonstop since you got here. Others are helping out too. You can afford to take a short break. Let’s spend a little time working on our forever.”
Our forever.
That’s when the center of our tent caved in.
Two hours later and I was still wondering if that was some type of omen. Perry was rubbing off on me way too much.
“Hungry?” Chase asked. All the food was out. They were doing a BBQ-style dinner, and I’d planned to do a toast and all that traditional stuff, but Perry was off somewhere, and Stephen was probably doing some kind of damage control. Everyone was scattered doing their own thing. It was the most casual, clusterfucked wedding rehearsal I’d ever been to.
“Not really.”
“There’s a keg of Spotted Cow over there.”
“No, thanks.”
He grabbed one of the lanterns I hadn’t cemented down yet and took possession of my hand. Tightly. Unlike a dozen times earlier that day, I sensed he was not letting go that time.
“We’re taking that walk now, Jillian.”
“But I’m not finished.” There was light inside the tent to work with. I could try scrubbing out that beer stain on the tablecloth, and I hadn’t figured out what to do about those bug candles yet.
“No, you’re not, because we need to go to that hill over there and practice the song we’re performing tomorrow.”
“I never agreed….” Wait, I did end up giving in. Crap. But now my nerves were screwing with me so badly I knew my voice would crack and sound like shit.
“Then you can just listen to me play.”
“Okay.”
He knew me well enough to know that the only way to reach me right then was through his music. The tension was already dripping off. Listening to him play was my happy place.
As we walked hand in hand to his car to get his guitar, it hit me just how many times I’d felt guilty that day. I hadn’t been treating Chase fairly. By keeping my own mind distracted, I’d also been distancing him. Not a great amount, but even a tiny bit was more distance than he deserved.
“How do you think it went earlier?” he asked.
“You mean with the mockery ceremony?”
“Don’t you mean mock?”
“No.” I guessed it’d gone well enough, and everyone stayed somewhat in their places, but it’d be interesting to see how it all played out during the real thing. “But when it comes down to it, all of this crazy shit is perfect. Unique, just like Perry. Everything happens the way it’s supposed to, right?”
I felt another flutter, and before I could read too much into it, he pulled me into a patch of flowers. “I wanted to bring you over and show you earlier, while it was still light.” He picked a pale blue flower, holding it up to the lantern. “I didn’t notice these last time we were here. They’re not native to Wisconsin but still pop up in areas.”
I took it from him, spinning it around slowly. It was a beautiful color. “Hmm, I didn’t know you could list botany as one of your many talents.”
“Not usually, but I know this is chicory.”
“Chicory, like we drink?”
“Yep.” I was instantly transported back to New Orleans, sitting in Café du Monde with a giant cup in one hand, Chase’s hand in the other. “They remind me of your eyes,” he said.
I looked up and smiled. His eyes still reminded me of the night he’d loved me so completely. My hand glided over his smooth jaw. I couldn’t decide which I liked better—soft or rough. But I never had to decide. I could have both. Forever.
I had to tell him what I suspected. The second we got home.
His lips brushed mine. “Let’s get that guitar, Jillian.”
Shortly after, we were sitting up on the same hill we’d visited a month back. This time I couldn’t see all the flowers, but I could see stars. Between that and the lantern beside us, it threw off the ideal amount of light.
He brought his guitar out of the case, and I nestled as closely as I could beside him. He kissed the top of my head. I could still see all the commotion off in the distance, but we were far enough away to have our own private space.
“It’s not easy to find that perfect time, but this comes pretty close,” he said. His fingers rested over the neck and the strum vibrated straight to my soul. He took me away every time. “I really need you to feel this one, baby.”
“I always do, Chase.”
I closed my eyes as he started off playing “Wild Horses,” making me smile. My favorite love song. The one he’d viewed as sad until he embraced my meaning of love eternal. When the chords began changing, I shifted out of my zone a bit trying to figure it out. I didn’t recognize the tune. “What’s the name of this song?”
“Love Eternal.”
Wait, what? “I don’t know any—”
“Shhh….” His lips grazed over my hair again. “Just feel it, Wild Horses.”
I almost opened my mouth again when he opened his. Chase rarely sang, leaving that to me. But after a few notes in, I couldn’t speak if I wanted to. I could do nothing but feel.
“Clear blue eyes with an angel’s voice.
My mate for the soul, my passion, my choice.
You tried to push me away, wild horses too free to tame.
My faith was strong to carry us through, to not do the same.
Devoted love, you were always mine.
Being my forever, the soul knows no time.
Writing my lyrics, your melody in my heart.
Love eternal, no end and no start.
My love eternal who brings life to my music, music to my life.
Please complete my song and say you’ll be my wife.”
I had no idea how long he’d been looking at me. I’d probably missed chunks of the song because my tears were so hard and heavy. He was reaching out, wiping them away, but they kept on coming.
“You… you wrote me a song?” I bubbled out.
“Yes, baby.” He brushed more from my cheeks. “Please say those are happy tears.”
I laughed. I was so far gone. “You’re the one who wanted me to feel,” I said softly.
His smile was so damn beautiful. I caught him reaching over into his case and pulling something out. “I also want you to say yes.”
“I….”
Purple seemed to illuminate from everywhere. I started crying hysterically again. I’d never had so many ups and downs in such a short time, so many life-altering events. And now the love of my life was asking me to marry him. Right now. This man. God, this man…. Yes yes yes. I opened my mouth, and it tumbled out.
“I’m pregnant.”