Perry found me down there not long after, puking my guts up. There was very little in my stomach, but something was finding its way out. The tears were pouring hard, and my hair was matted against the sides of my face. I was dizzy and had barbells strapped to every muscle. In short, I was a hot, fucked-up mess as I blubbered it all out to her.
There were way more horrible things in life than what I was going through, but it’d felt like my house had collapsed on top of me, brick after brick hitting me hard. Once raw emotions had gotten involved, I couldn’t defend myself against Cassie piling it on thicker and thicker, her ‘real mother’ jab finishing me off.
“I texted Daniel. What else can I do for you?”
“I’m supposed to be taking care of you today,” I said. Fortunately, after all the crap exited my system, I was able to start putting myself back together. But I’d never be able to fix my shitty maid-of-honorness.
“Says who?”
“Says the wedding rulebook. This is the only bridal shower you’re ever going to have.”
“Pfft. Like I care about that. I mean, I appreciate the work you put into arranging this, but do you really think it’ll matter to me in the long run? I’m not going to look back and say, ‘I really wish I’d made a toilet paper veil to shellac and keep in my garage for all eternity.’”
I smiled. “You know what I mean.”
“Then if it makes you feel any better, I’ll make sure to have a personal crisis at your bridal shower. Deal?”
“Deal.” Perry was always throwing out comments like she was so sure that Chase and I would get married someday. I was just grasping onto next week.
“I see that look, Jills, and I don’t like it. So knock it off. You know that she was just fucking with you, right? These horrible pictures don’t exist, and she’s not going to change anything between you and Chase. You two are untouchable.”
“Thank you, Perry.” Anything positive thrown my way, I’d embrace with open arms. But I wasn’t naïve. I wouldn’t put it past Cassie to create something out of nothing, and I had to be prepared for that. “Did Daniel respond yet?”
“No, but it hasn’t been that long.”
While I was indisposed, I’d asked Perry to text Daniel with my phone, letting him know I needed to speak with him as soon as possible. I didn’t hold out a huge amount of hope, but maybe I could get to him before Cassie did.
She squeezed my hand. “Do not allow this bitch to infect you, Jills. She’s like a fucking disease eating into your head. She’ll get what’s coming to her. Her kind always do eventually. But please don’t let her take you down with her.”
I nodded. “I’m trying, but I hate how she knows I’m not Daniel’s birth mother. Obviously he told her, and that makes me wonder what he said—”
“Jesus, stop it right now. You are way more real a mother than that deadbeat loser who shot him out of a vagina, and don’t you ever think for one fucking second that Daniel doesn’t believe that too.”
I scrubbed my face hard. “You’re right. I can’t do that to myself.”
“Damn straight.”
“And I need to jump in the shower.”
“Please do. Those chunks in your hair are nasty.”
I chuckled, grateful that I had a full bathroom downstairs. I didn’t have to go up and face anyone yet. Perry had already run up and snatched me a change of clothes from the bedroom, telling everyone I wasn’t feeling too hot.
“Love you, Perry.”
She blew me a kiss. “Love you too, Jills.”
I’d managed to salvage part of the day. After making myself presentable, I’d joined in the last third when Perry opened her gifts. I made her a very pink rehearsal-day bouquet on a paper plate that she’d gushed about, and I ended the bridal shower feeling much less like a jerk.
Now I was about to be one all over again. I just hoped my son would understand it was necessary. Did he really love her, or was that another one of her lies? I was about to find out.
The shower had been over for about an hour when Daniel texted and said he was on his way. Perry had left shortly after, but not before giving me her rah-rah pep talk. “Good always overcomes evil, eventually. Remember that, Jills.”
When I heard the car door, I peeked out the blinds, crossing my fingers that he wouldn’t have the demonic leech stuck to him. If so, my whole plan would be shot to hell. I puffed out a breath, and my body loosened. He was alone.
I whipped open the front door as he was stepping to the porch. “Daniel, I’m so glad—”
“How could you do this, Mom?”
He stepped inside and faced me, his expression hard. Of course. Stupid me. How would Cassie not have gotten to him first? So what if it’d only been one-sixth of a measly day? It could’ve been five minutes and she’d have sucked him out.
“Do what, Daniel?” I needed to hear what garbage she’d filled him with before I could rebut it. It was then that I remembered the gift still sitting by the side of the house. It was probably ticking away as we spoke.
“You know what. Cassie’s a mess right now. She hasn’t stopped crying. How do you think that makes me feel knowing my own mother did that to her?”
“I didn’t do anything to her. In fact—”
“No. She told me how mean you were to her. The nasty things you said. How she was no longer invited to the shower or welcome to the house ever again. I cannot believe you, Mom. I’ve never known you to be so cruel.”
“Daniel, please listen to me. Cassie is not who you think she is.”
“Don’t start talking trash about her again. And right to my face, besides? I know you’ve never liked her. You’ve never given her a fair chance. What’s the matter, Mom? Isn’t she old enough for you?”
What the fuck? I sat down on the couch. I knew this wouldn’t be a night in the park listening to music, but…. “You are not acting like yourself here.”
“Yeah, well, that makes two of us. You hurt Cassie. You hurt me.”
“She’s manipulating you, Daniel. She’s trying to come between Chase and me because—”
“Yes, I know all about that stupid picture. She was actually protecting you, and you had to treat her so horribly.”
I smacked the side of my head. Did I have frickin’ water in my ears? “Protecting me? I really need to hear this one.”
“You know what, never mind. Your mind is already made up about her. Nothing I say is going to change that.”
“I have to hear what she’s been telling you.” I got up and put my arms around him. “Please, please listen to me, okay? I’m not the only one who feels this way about her. There’s something not right—”
“Oh, I know, Mom.” He pushed away from me. Argh. I wanted to give him a damn timeout for interrupting and stick him in the corner. “I know you’re not the only one. The whole reason you’re acting like this is because of Chase.”
“Chase? What? No, I—”
“Save the excuses, please. I’m not a little kid anymore. I’m not blindly accepting things you say just because you think they’re true.” My mouth dropped. She had fucking possessed him. I needed to call a priest. “Chase is not good for you, but you refuse to see that. I feel sorry for you, Mom.”
“You’ve got it the other way around here.”
“Cassie begged me to go easy on you. That’s the thoughtful person she is. She told me how flattered you must feel to have a younger man’s attention, and that’s why your judgment is clouded. But enough is enough. You’re better than this.”
How in the fuck was this turning all around? “Chase and I love each other, Daniel. My reasons for wanting Cassie away from you have nothing—”
“So you admit it, then?”
“Admit what?”
“You’re trying to turn me against Cassie. Get us to break up.”
“What I’m trying to do is get you to listen to me without interrupting. We’ve always had a great relationship. That shouldn’t be a problem.”
“Cassie told me how Chase is threatened by her because she knows too much about him.”
I whipped my head so quickly to the side I swore my eyeballs dislodged. “What the hell is this now?” Deep breath, Jillian.
“Despite how you treat her, Cassie cares about you. She knows you deserve better too. Yes, she had a tiny crush on him a while ago, but she barely knew him then. Now that she does, she knows he’s not right for you. Chase is going to do whatever he can to convince you that Cassie should be out of our lives.”
“Okay, Daniel, this is so far off base, I don’t even know where to begin.” It wasn’t even in the same fucking field anymore.
“I’ve seen it with my own eyes, Mom. Chase is bad news. Did he tell you anything about Stephen’s party?”
My chest squeezed. “No, we were too busy doing damage control on Cassie’s little stunt to have time to discuss anything else.”
“See, there you go again. I love Cassie, and I can’t be around when you talk badly about her. I think it’d be best right now if I moved out until I get my own place.”
Hell, fucking, no. “Let me guess, Cassie just happens to have the extra space.”
He sighed, shaking his head like he was frustrated.
Oh, he’s frustrated?
I had a flicker of hope when he sat down beside me and put his hand on mine. “You mean a lot to me, Mom, and I hate fighting with you. But I also love Cassie, and I can’t put our relationship in jeopardy. As long as you’re with Chase, you’ll never accept her, and there’ll always be this stress around us.”
“Whether or not I’m with Chase has nothing to do with Cassie. I wish to God I would’ve thought to record her earlier. Then you could’ve heard her say….” I rushed to find the exact words before he stopped me. “How you’d do anything for her, and she’s going to keep you and—”
“So? What’s so bad about that? It’s true.”
“She also mentioned all the ways she’s going to ‘comfort’ Chase during the seminar. How she’s going to show him more pictures and….” Fuck, I was getting frazzled.
“Mom, that’s enough, okay? Can you not see what this guy is doing to you?”
“You are so damn intelligent, Daniel, so, how can you be so frickin’ ignorant when it comes to this woman?”
Way to go, Jillian. That’s the way to help your case. But nothing was working, and I was just so…. Argh. My vessels were going to start popping off one by one.
“Since when do you have such a temper?” I dropped my head down, feeling defeated. “I want you in my life, Mom, I really do. It hurts me to say this. I hate it. But I think it’d be better to stay away from each other right now. I want Cassie with me, and she doesn’t deserve the turmoil.”
My head jerked up. “What? What do you mean stay away from each other? I’m your damn mother.”
“You don’t think this is difficult for me too? To see you like this? Chase is the problem here and as long as you’re—”
“No.” That time I was doing the damn interrupting. “No, Chase is not the problem, and you’re talking crazy. We’ve always been so close. I just don’t understand any of this.” My voice had dropped down to a whisper.
“When you and Chase are no longer together, I’m sure you’ll see things differently. See Cassie differently. I can’t do this to her, and I’m sure later on you will understand.”
“No, I really don’t think I will.”
“I’m sorry. I just can’t be around anymore if Chase continues to be.” He stood up, and I almost tumbled to the floor.
“I’m sorry,” he said again. “You need to decide if he’s worth it, Mom. You need to decide if he’s worth more to you than me.”
“Jills?”
My lids crept up halfway. Something was knocking me around.
“Jills?”
The noise invaded my eardrum, and I wanted to swat it away like a fly. Wait, Perry? My eyes opened more to see her practically on top of me.
I yawned. “What are you doing here? What time is it?” My desk came into focus. Oh shit.
“It’s almost noon. What are you doing sleeping?”
I sat up straight, quickly scanning the monitor. I hoped I hadn’t passed out during a call. “I don’t know. I tried starting work really early, and I got tired.” My eyes drooped. “I guess I still am.”
I glanced at the calendar. God, it was only Monday? Not even twenty-four hours had passed since the most convoluted conversation I’d ever had with my son.
“I expected to hear from you last night after Daniel left. How’d it go?”
“I’d talk about it, but I’m getting really freaking sick of crying.” I turned my head towards her. “Are you feeling all right? You look pale.”
“I feel pale.” She dragged her hands down her face. “Do you have anything crucial this afternoon?”
I ran over my schedule. No teleconferences, no meetings. “Not really, why?”
She latched onto my arm and pulled me up. “You’re tired, and I feel kinda shitty again. Let’s go crash out for the rest of the day.”
“What? Don’t you have to get back to work?”
“No, they booted my ass out. Said I didn’t look good and to take a sick day.”
Hmm… that might not be such a bad idea. If she got me sick too, I could just zonk out for a while, then maybe wake up crystal clear knowing exactly what to do about this twisted mess.
“Okay, a nap sounds good right now.” We cut through the hall to my bedroom. “But I hope you’re okay. You were feeling so good yesterday.” I might have to rule out the drugging theory.
“Yeah. Another girl at work was out with the flu last week. I’m sure I got something from her.” We lay down on my bed. “Don’t worry about me being contagious. I’m sure I’ve already exposed you to whatever was hanging around me.”
“I’m not worried, Perry.”
“You can tell me about Daniel before we fall asleep.”
I closed my eyes. “No, I’d rather not.”
She squeezed my hand. “Please tell me you’re PMSing and that’s why you’re down.”
“No. Actually, I’ll be ovulating sometime today.”
“Oh shit. Do I have to worry about you humping me in my sleep?”
I smiled, whacking her hip. “Nope. Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m just not feeling it this month.”
All I felt was numb, my body one giant toothache slathered in Orajel. After Daniel left yesterday, I’d stayed on the couch until I couldn’t ignore my throbbing head anymore. Then I crawled into bed and barely slept. I hadn’t even seen or talked to Chase, just sent him off a text saying I was out with a nasty headache and didn’t want to be disturbed. He’d left for New York this morning, and who knew what Cassie had planned—for him or Daniel.
Numb.
Perry pumped my hand again. “Hey, I have some good news. I talked to Alex yesterday since Stephen was too hungover to speak a simple sentence. He told me that the three of them—him, Stephen, and Chase—just spent the night on his terrace drinking after his roommate brought over the sluts. They weren’t even around them. Alex is one of the good guys. He would’ve just taken Stephen out, but my lovely fiancé could barely move without faceplanting.”
I cracked open one eye. “So, they did have hookers, then?”
“I don’t know. They could’ve just been whores and not whores. What does it matter, I guess. Stephen and Chase are the good guys too.”
“Yeah.”
I rolled over in bed, and my foot hit something solid. “Perry?” I whispered.
“No, baby. It’s me.”
“Chase?” I rubbed my eyes, and he slowly drifted into focus. “Chase, what are you doing here?”
He pulled me into his arms, stroking my hair. “I missed you so fucking much, Jillian. I had to come home early.”
“But… I thought this seminar was mandatory? You barely spent any time there.”
“Shhh… this is more important. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was eating me up inside, and I had to come home.”
I was still groggy, trying to pop the bubble that surrounded me. “I don’t understand. What was eating you up?”
“I need you, Jillian. I need you forever, but you have to forgive me first. If you can do that, we can have everything. And then I’ll never hurt you again. You have my vow.”
My heartbeat was echoing so loudly inside the bubble. “You already gave me your vow before you left. You said we’re good. Rock solid. Why would I need to forgive you?”
“I’m so sorry, baby.”
“Chase, you’re scaring me.” No, please. I couldn’t stomach getting sick again. My insides were rolling, spinning, flipping.
“You have to believe that I love you more than anything in this world. Say you believe me, Jillian.”
“I believe you.” I pulled back, ready to grab my wastebasket. “Just tell me what’s going on. Please.”
“I was angry, baby. And so stupid. It’ll never happen again. Cassie showed me those pictures, and I just lost it. I couldn’t think. I just acted. The pain was severe, Jillian. When I saw how you betrayed me, my heart severed from my body. I wanted to die. I was a fucking shell.”
“Chase, what did you do?” I could barely get out the words. The tears were dripping into my mouth, filling my throat. I’d asked him a question I already knew the answer to, and my world would never be the same again.
To hear the words. To actually hear them out loud. I tucked my head into my chest and curled into a ball. “No. No no no no no.”
His soft apologies soon turned into laughter, and I felt a shred of optimism. It wasn’t true; it was all a sick joke. The laughter became harder, higher, and I lifted my head. Cassie was there in his lap. They were both laughing, right at me.
“Don’t you wish it was just a joke, Jillian? But you couldn’t let it be, could you?”
I screamed, shooting up in bed. Darkness surrounded me. My face dripped with sweat. A dream. Just a dream.
A fucking nightmare.
I’d made it to Friday before I told Perry anything about Daniel. I’d enjoyed my state of blissful numbness during the day, but nights were a different story. More often than not, the dreams forced me to feel whatever I ignored during the day. Perry suggested that talking about it might help when I’d mentioned the little sleep I was getting lately.
She’d stopped over for lunch every day that week, still not her best but not skipping more than another half day of work. Even going through her flu crap, she still looked better than me.
“What are you going to do, Jills?”
We sat at the dining room table, sandwiches spread out that neither of us wanted to eat.
“I honestly don’t know.”
I’d just told her that Daniel basically gave me an ultimatum: him or Chase. My hell had come to Earth, but what did I expect when I had a satanic blonde pulling the strings?
“I know he’s your son, and I love him to pieces too, but that was pretty fucked up for him to do that to you.”
“Yeah, I agree.” But so what? That didn’t make it any easier. “I know he’s just doing what he thinks is right, and that’s the only reason I’m not having a total breakdown right now.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure you’re not?”
“No.”
Chase would be coming home soon, and that was something I never thought I’d ever feel conflicted about. We’d kept in contact occasionally through the week with short calls, a few texts. He was very busy, but when we did talk, I didn’t get a sense that anything was off. Although, I doubted he’d discuss it over the phone if Cassie had pulled anything.
“You can’t not choose Chase,” Perry said. “You two are meant to be.”
“I can’t not choose Daniel either. He’s my son.”
“Fuck. I know.”
I ripped off a corner hunk of bread to shut up my growling stomach. “I realize how shitty it is for Daniel to ask something like this from me. I’m not making excuses for him. But he’d never be like this if it weren’t for Cassie, and if I just cut him out of my life for Chase, she’ll have even more power over him. I could truly lose him forever.”
“Otherwise you lose Chase forever, and she still wins.”
“There is no right choice. Just a decision that will make my heart bleed less.” This had already torn me up so badly to the point where I could barely feel the damage anymore. No wonder I was numb.
“Which is?”
“I don’t know.”
A knock on my front door made both of us jump. “What I wouldn’t give for that to be Cassie right now,” she said.
I got up and peered through the top window. “It’s Mike.”
“Just what we fucking need right now.” Yes, that pretty much echoed my sentiments exactly.
I opened the door, and my eye went directly to the waterlogged pink floral box in his hand. I had completely forgotten about that. How many times did it rain this week?
“Hey, Jillian. Here,” he said, holding the box towards me. “You had this sitting by the side of your house.”
I looked over my shoulder. “Cassie left a gift for you outside. Do you want it?”
“Hell no.”
I turned back to Mike. “I guess it’s yours.”
“Why would I—”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Look, I don’t really care what you do with it. I just don’t want it here.”
He stepped inside and gave us both a strange look. “I found out that Daniel’s no longer living here.”
“That’s correct.”
“What the hell’s the matter with you, Jillian?”
“It was his choice to leave, Mike.”
“Because you’re putting your boy toy in front of your own son. How is he supposed to feel? I told you something like this would happen. I warned you that you’d end up losing Daniel if you didn’t get your priorities straight.”
Mike couldn’t even rile me up with his idiotic words. I wasn’t in the mood to fight back.
“Fuck you, Mike,” I heard Perry yell. Fortunately, she was in the mood. For not operating at a hundred percent, she was still feisty. She got up and into his face. “Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.”
“What?” He scrunched up his mouth and glanced outside. “I don’t have a horse.”
“Never the fuck you mind. You need to stop talking about shit that you know nothing about.”
Mike ignored her, putting his attention on me. “I’m not trying to hurt you, Jillian. I feel bad for you. I really do. For the first time, you and Daniel are estranged, and I know that must be killing you. But I also know that family means everything to you, and when push comes to shove, you’ll make the right decision.”
Perry snatched the present from his hand and punted it out the door. “Go fetch, Mike.”
“What the fuck, Perry?” he said.
“Yeah, Mike, you should go.”
Perry smiled and waved bye-bye. He opened his mouth, then shut it, shaking his head. He left and I watched him go to his car, at least picking up the box along the way.
I shut the door, leaning my head against the wood. “He wasn’t right, Perry. But he also wasn’t wrong. Let’s say something happens and Cassie and Daniel split up in a month, but I’d chosen Chase now. How could that not affect mine and Daniel’s relationship knowing I picked a guy I knew less than a year over him?”
“A guy who also happens to be your soul mate. I know you’d never recover if you walked away from him either.”
“Yes, but Daniel’s family, and that’s forever. As much as I love Chase and consider him family too, it’s not exactly the same. It’s not like we’re married or engaged or have a child together or have even been together ten years already. I’m not saying it’s likely, but Chase and I could break up tomorrow, and then what?”
“I get everything you’re saying, Jills, and yes, it makes sense, but… argh!” She balled up her fists, stomping the floor.
“What’s the matter?”
“Just argh, okay?” She stomped twice more for good measure.
“Okay?”
“It sounds as if you’ve already made your decision.”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Good. Because I have a plan.”