Wednesday 24th Jan

Anna’s been avoiding me all rehearsal. I know it’s because she clearly hasn’t told her parents and obviously has no idea how she’s going to do it. I want to tell her that I understand though. It can’t be easy.

I asked Hartley where the programmes were, and he looked back at me blankly, so I’ve volunteered to go through it with him after the kids leave. As the last teenager escapes out the door we settle down on the stage floor with his laptop.

‘I’m no good at this stuff,’ he whines, hitting the computer when he can’t seem to format anything how he wants.

‘Alright, hulk,’ I chuckle. ‘Hand it over before you break the thing.’

I grab the laptop and press a few buttons I’m well used to using. ‘Right, let’s plan out the sequence and write down any songs the audience are encouraged to sing along to.’

‘Right,’ he nods, pressing the palms of his hands to his eyes. ‘Thank God you’re here. Heather used to handle all this for me.’

‘That’s what I’m here for,’ I smile. I can’t help but be flattered. It’s nice to feel useful.

‘Are you hungry? I could murder a pizza.’

My stomach grumbles right on cue. ‘Ah, probably look weird if I say I’m alright now, wouldn’t it?’

‘Yep,’ he snorts. ‘I’ll order one.’

He takes his phone and opens the app, taking my order.

‘I’ll go stand outside,’ he says, standing up. ‘Make sure they don’t drive past us.’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ I joke playfully, ‘any excuse to get away with not doing more of this.’

I throw myself into it, with a lot to get through. Before it even feels like a minute has gone by he’s walking back in with pizza boxes stacked on top of each other and a bottle of wine.

‘Wine?’ I grin. ‘What kind of pizza place do you order from? Because I clearly need their number.’

He chuckles. ‘I thought I’d treat us. Thank you for staying late to do this. I’m so sorry to keep you from your life.’

I snort, taking the boxes off him and starting to open them. ‘What life? All I’d be doing is sitting at home watching the soaps.’

He grins. ‘So really I’m saving you.’

I grab a slice of pizza. ‘Whatever helps you sleep at night.’ I bite into the pizza. Mmm! What is it about food tasting the best when you’re ravenous? Your stomach is just so grateful you’re munching down on something.

‘No glasses I’m afraid, so we’re gonna have to drink out of the bottle,’ he says, taking a swig.

I laugh. ‘Luckily for you that’s my favourite way to drink it. That or a straw,’ I joke, taking the bottle and having a large swig. Ah, everything is better with wine.

We stuff our faces with the pizza, garlic bread, and potato wedges. By the time it’s all finished I’m stuffed to bursting and we’ve drained the bottle of wine. Whoops. That went quick.

‘The good news is that I’m all done with this programme. All you have to do is print it in the morning.’

‘You are a bloody angel.’

I feel my cheeks blushing. ‘It’s no big deal.’ I close the pizza lid to stop my hands shaking at the way he’s suddenly got serious.

He places his hand on top of mine, the warmth of it shocking me. It’s so smooth and tanned. I look up into his forest-green eyes—so intense they seem to hold me in place—struggling to keep my emotions in check.

A connection buzzes between us, as if palpable in the air. I find myself leaning a millimetre towards him. It’s enough for me to cringe inwardly. What the hell am I doing? I watch too many Hallmark movies.

Only, well... then he moves ever so slightly towards me. It must only be a couple of centimetres but it’s enough to find myself staring at his lips and moving closer to them, like a moth to a flame. I lick my own, my heart rate racing erratically. So loud I’m worried he’ll hear it.

Mind you, now that I look at his chest, it seems to be heaving up and down just as badly. I could move myself a few more inches and our lips would be touching. We’d be kissing. I’d be letting go of all this locked up frustration. Finally find out how he tastes. But I’d be kissing someone else’s fiancé.

I pull back just in time. What the hell am I doing?

‘Sorry,’ I utter, staring back at him, with my mouth open.

He stares back at me, as if shocked himself. ‘No, I’m sorry.’

I stand up. ‘It’s fine.’ I grab my coat and bag and run.

* * *

Thursday 25th January

I barely slept all last night. What the hell is going on with me? I abhor cheating and there I was, mouth ripe and ready to be kissed like some wanton little whore. The fact is that he’s engaged. Yeah, he might have said he doesn’t want to be, but he hasn’t broken it off with her. I’m still planning their wedding.

When I did finally fall asleep, I only managed forty minutes before being woken up by a text from Mia. I really need to remember to place it on silent. I look at the time and see it's already seven thirty in the morning.

‘Meeting you for lunch today with Kelly. 1pm at Pietro’s Cafe. Already cleared it with Hugh so don’t go thinking you can use work as an excuse.’

Damn these bitches. I’m so tired I can just about stomach dragging myself into work for some emails, let alone talk to people. But I know them too well. They won’t let me get out of it, even if I crashed on the way and broke my collarbone. They’d still be skyping me from my hospital bed, wanting to find out all the goss.

So, I drag myself out of bed, and throw myself in the shower while talking myself out of the benefits of drowning. I deliberately wear something bright as if it will wake me up. I pick my jazzy purple top and team it with a hot pink pencil skirt.

By the time I’m dragging my tired legs into Pietro’s cafe I’ve had four coffees and I’m feeling buzzed. But behind that I’m still tired and distracted. I just have to get through today. One day at a time.

The girls are already sat there waiting for me.

‘Hey, bitch,’ Mia says, standing to give me a hug.

Kelly waves excitedly from the table. I sit down and give her a side hug.

‘So, what’s up ladies?’ I ask as soon as I’ve ordered my extra-large coffee from the waitress.

They exchange a quick glance.

Kelly smiles at me warily. ‘We were just wondering how you’ve taken the news of Flo’s baby?’

Oh, now I see the sudden urgency. Flo obviously called them and told them to look out for my imminent breakdown.

I sigh to let them know how ridiculous they’re being. ‘I’m seriously fine, guys. There really is no need to worry.’

‘You’re sure?’ Mia checks, eyeing me up suspiciously. ‘Because you know you can tell us and we won’t go back and tell Flo, right?’

‘That’s sweet of you, but I’m happy for them. I mean, yeah, do I wish I had a baby of my own? Of course.’ They nod sympathetically. ‘Do I wish I had a man of my own to lean on?’ Why is it my throat is suddenly feeling tight with emotion? ‘Of course,’ I agree, my voice breaking slightly.

What the hell is wrong with me?

‘Oh, hun,’ Kelly says, moving her chair closer. ‘Let it all out.’

A traitorous tear falls down my cheek. Ugh, I despise crying, let alone in public.

‘I seriously don’t know why I’m even crying.’ I try to laugh, but it comes out as more of a sob.

A couple on the table across from us turn to stare at me. Ugh, I’m drawing attention.

‘Oh, love,’ Mia says, reaching her hand across the table and settling it above mine. ‘Want me to take your mind off it?’

I sniff. ‘Yes please.’

‘Well, Troy’s dick is magnificent.’

Kelly spits out her coffee, covering the table in her spray. What the hell?

‘Jesus, Kelly! Mia shrieks. ‘You almost got my purse.’ She picks up her bag and shakes off the slight coffee drops from the leather bag.

‘To be fair,’ I laugh, ‘you did just talk about dick over lunch.’

She snorts. ‘Don’t make out like it’s the first time we’ve discussed it. And anyway, I was trying to take your mind off things.’ She widens her arms and points inwards at herself. ‘Trying to be a good friend here.’

‘Have you finally slept with him?’ Kelly asks, eyes wide and leaning forward. I take the tissue she offers me.

‘No,’ Mia shrugs, as if she didn’t just tell us his dick was magnificent.

‘Then how the hell have you seen his dick?’ I shout in frustration.

Every single person in the restaurant seems to stop talking at once and turns to stare at me. Oh crap. Well, if I hadn’t drawn attention to myself from crying then I’ve definitely done it now.

Mia bursts out laughing. ‘That could seriously only happen to you!’

We wait until people start to go back to their own conversations, the nosy bastards, and then Kelly starts interrogating her.

‘What the hell do you mean? You’ve seen his peen but haven’t slept with him?’ she whisper-hisses.

Mia’s eyes light up with humour. ‘I mean that he crashed at mine the other night and I saw it.’

‘Sorry, I need more details,’ I demand. ‘Did he sleep in your bed? Was he naked? Were you naked?’

‘Alright, calm down, Cilla.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘He was having a night out down the road and I just offered rather than him having to get a cab. He slept on the sofa and he wore his boxer shorts. But...’ She smiles coyly, her eyes alight with wickedness.

‘But what?’ Kelly demands, practically climbing over the table to shake her shoulders.

‘Well, they were quite tight, and I basically saw everything. All of his meat and two veg and let me tell you, he is very well endowed.’

Kelly snorts a laugh. ‘It’s true what they say about black men, you know.’ She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.

‘Oh please,’ Mia snorts with a roll of her eyes. ‘What are you basing that on? Your one ex-boyfriend that happened to be black?’

‘Black and with a massive cock,’ she answers defensively.

‘I doubt that’s enough to judge a whole race’s penis size though,’ I counter.

‘Whatever,’ she snorts, folding her arms across her chest. ‘I know I’m right.’

Mia shrugs. ‘I wouldn’t know. To be honest, he’s the first black guy that I’ve ever fancied. Is that weird? Do you think I’m secretly racist?’

I burst out laughing. ‘Mia, if you were racist you wouldn’t want to be anywhere near the dude, let alone be thinking about his dick.’

She grins dreamily. ‘And my, what a dick it is.’

‘You getting thirsty for it?’ Kelly asks with a laugh. ‘Come on, spill the tea, girl.’

I roll my eyes. ‘Kelly, you need to stop watching those American sitcoms. You’re starting to talk weird.’

She scoffs. ‘Whatever.’ She turns back to Mia. ‘So, come on. You’re hot for this guy. What the hell is stopping you?

She sighs wearily. ‘Because I’ve never had a male friend before.’

‘Never?’ I shriek. ‘What, even back at school?’

She shakes her head. ‘No, never. I always ended up ruining it by sleeping with them.’

‘Ah,’ me and Kelly both nod at the same time.

‘So, you’re scared you’re going to fuck it up by sleeping with him?’

‘Exactly,’ she nods, twisting her purple hair around her finger. ‘It’s just so good right now with us being mates. I don’t want it all to go down the shitter.’

I smile. ‘But what if it doesn’t go down the shitter? What if it becomes the best relationship you’ve ever had?’

She blushes. Actually blushes. I’ve never seen Mia blush. Ever.

‘It’s all irrelevant anyway. We’ve both said there’s no point in doing anything until we’re both ready to settle down and I’m pretty sure he still has a few more oats to sew.’

‘Oats to sew?’ Kelly shrieks. ‘Have you turned into an eighty-year-old woman overnight?’

She bursts out laughing. ‘I don’t know what’s happening with me anymore. Look, let’s go out tomorrow night. Get me drunk so we can forget about it?’

‘I’ve got the play,’ I muse out loud.

‘Play?’ Kelly asks. ‘What the hell are you talking about?’

I forgot I haven’t told them about helping Hartley out.

‘Oh, Hugh decided to volunteer me for teaching duty at his cousin Clara’s, fiancé’s school.’

I see them putting that together in their heads.

‘He’s a drama teacher. So, I’m helping with the school play. It’s tomorrow.’

They exchange a glance.

‘Why are you blushing so hard?’ Mia asks me, her lip quirking with a grin.

‘Am I?’ I touch my cheeks to feel if they’re heated. ‘I don’t know why I would be.’

‘Do you fancy someone at the school or something?’ Kelly asks taking a sip of her coffee. ‘You don’t fancy one of their teenagers, do you? I know they look older these days, but you can still go to prison for that shit.’

I scoff a laugh. ‘As if! I’m no paedo.’

The restaurant goes quiet again. Horrified faces stare back at me. Why does this keep happening?

‘So, who is it you fancy then?’ Mia asks, leaning in with interest.

‘No one.’ Now I can feel myself blushing. I must be beetroot by now.

She licks her lips, as if sensing the gossip. ‘I know you; those blushes tell me you like someone.’

‘It’s not the groom is it?’ Kelly asks with a snort of a laugh.

I stare down into my coffee, unable to meet their judging gazes.

‘Holy shit balls!’ Mia shrieks. ‘It is. You fancy the groom?’

‘Ssh!’ I hiss, looking around at the restaurant. We can never come here again. ‘Of course not.’

‘I call bullshit,’ Mia laughs. ‘But whatever. This confirms it. As soon as the play is over we’re going out. And we’re going to drink our feelings away.’

‘Yes!’ Kelly says with a punch to the air. ‘Let’s get lit!’

‘No more American TV for you!’ I screech.

* * *

Friday 26th January

By the time I get to the school the next afternoon I’ve had three phone calls from Clara. The first was asking if we could also arrange penguins to be there. The second was if we could accommodate a ten-tier cake, and the third was if I knew of any good diet pills. I mean, really? The woman is bloody tiny already. I’m dreading seeing her here later. And kind of secretly wishing she orders some dodgy ones online that give her the shits.

Thank goodness I came to help out though. Every student is so bloody nervous, buzzing around, forgetting what costume they should be wearing. Luckily, due to my costume filing system I’m able to pull them together and sort them out.

Hartley comes in looking completely frazzled, his hair bedraggled.

‘You okay?’ I ask carefully, scared he’s going to snap at me.

‘Yeah, just stressed the fuck out. Emily’s ill so we’ve got Jamie filling in. Do you think we could give him a fake pair of boobs, so he looks more female?’

I smile. Nothing a pair of rolled up socks can’t fix. That’s how I got through high school. ‘Don’t worry, send him back here and I’ll sort him out.’

He sighs, his shoulders finding their way back down from his ears. ‘Thanks, Nadine. I don’t know what I would have done without you.’

I beam back at him, but quickly remind myself to calm the fuck down. In the words of Chaka Khan, somebody else’s guy.

‘What time’s Clara getting here?’ I ask in an attempt to remind myself.

He sighs, his shoulders slumping. ‘She just rang and said she has to stay at work for a last-minute meeting.’

Oh, bless him. Poor Hartley. Just when he needs her. He looks like he needs a hug and the urge to do it myself is so overpowering I have to force my hands to stay at my sides.

‘Don’t worry, the show must go on,’ I say, attempting to be cheery.

‘Yeah, but will it be any good?’ he asks, his eyes hopeful.

I hold him by his biceps and give him a little shake. It’s hard to move him when he’s such a bloody tree.

‘You’re going to be fine. The play will be fab. Just take a deep breath and let’s get on with it.’

He takes a deep inhale of breath, nods and walks out. I shouldn’t be the one doing this. It should be Clara. No wonder he doesn’t want to marry her.

* * *

Three hours later and the play has come to an end. I can’t believe we managed to pull it off. All went smoothly. Well, all apart from one of Jamie’s rolled up socks falling out, which got a laugh from the audience.

I’m just picking up the last discarded costume from the floor when Hartley comes in holding an open bottle of Prosecco.

‘We did it!’ he says, his face lit up in a mix of relief and happiness.

He’s so cute. I smile back at him, feeling strangely proud myself. I can’t believe we pulled it off. ‘It all went well, didn’t it?’

‘Thank God. I didn’t let on, but I was a lot more nervous than you’d think.’

I snort a laugh. Did he seriously think he was hiding it well? ‘Yeah, I kind of twigged on.’

‘Didn’t hide it as well as I thought, then, huh?’ He chuckles, his eyes sparkling in the light.

‘Not quite.’

‘Anyway,’ he suddenly seems apprehensive, pushing the hair from his face, ‘a crowd of us are going to grab a drink at The Slug and Dog. Do you want to join us?’

I feel that same strong pull towards him, like a magnet, so strong it’s hard to resist. So, I quickly decide it’s a bad idea.

‘Thanks, but I’m already going out.’

He smiles sadly. ‘Oh really? Date is it?’

I scoff. ‘Nope. Night out with the girls.’

‘Have a quick celebratory drink with me?’ He pulls out two plastic cups from his back pocket and starts pouring the Prosecco. ‘It’s not the proper stuff I’m afraid. Our teacher budgets don’t stretch very far.’

He hands over my cup. I take it shyly, self-consciously tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. Luckily for him I prefer Prosecco. He raises his cup at me. I raise mine to his, his eyes locking with mine. ‘Cheers.’

‘Cheers.’

An awkward silence descends on the room as we both drink from our cups. This is awful. I need to get out of here. I can’t stand the tension, which I’m pretty sure is just in my head.

I stand up and make to leave. ‘I should go.’

‘Wait!’ he calls, forcing me to turn around to face him, eyes raised in question.

He puts one of his hands in his trouser pockets. ‘The school’s having a float competition tomorrow. Will you come?’

I bite my lip. I should be staying well away from this man, not spending more time with him.

‘I’m not sure,’ I falter, arguing with my inner slut that I must leave him alone. ‘I mean, I never normally get this involved with my wedding couples.’

He smiles, his eyes locked onto mine. ‘I know.’ He clears his throat, shaking his head as if to pull himself together. ‘It’s just that the students seem to love you and it would be a great way to thank you for everything you’ve done. There will be free cakes and tea.’

I can’t help but crack a smile at him trying to break the atmosphere. How can someone so sexy also be so adorable?

‘Free cakes and tea? Why the hell didn’t you lead with that?’ I chuckle. ‘Of course, I’ll be there.’

He smiles, his eyes sparkling. ‘Great.’ It’s as if they’re daring me to come for him. I want to so much it scares me right now.

I grab my bag. ‘Gotta go!’

I really shouldn’t be looking forward to this, but I am. And I’m not sure what kind of person that makes me. I’m really not sure where my morals are anymore.