Wednesday 31st January

I feel so bad for Anna. She put on a brave face last night but when she went to bed in her new bedroom, I heard her crying. I think I’ll take her shopping later. Buy her a few bits to make it feel more like her space. God knows the daisy patterned bedspread we’ve had for years isn’t the most glam in the world. Especially for a teenager with her life falling apart around her.

All the drama with Anna did put everything into perspective for me though. I’ve decided that I’ve let my stupid emotions take over and delete out any rational thoughts. I have to speak to Hartley, tell him once and for all that we will never be together. I could still hear the hope in his voice yesterday. He’s clearly hanging onto some idea that we can still work.

I have no idea how I’ll do that, but I know I’m going to have to break his heart. For real this time. It’s for the best. He was content enough before I came along, confusing his fickle male brain.

I need to concentrate on myself and looking after Anna. In a weird way I’m glad for the new project. How awful is that? I’m leaning on this sixteen-year-old girl more than she is on me.

I’m waiting outside his flat before he leaves for work. Okay, I might have been awake since five worrying. But it’s better to just get it over and done with, right?

‘Nadine?’ he checks, his face lighting up when he sees me, looking all kinds of delicious in a dark-grey suit and pale-blue shirt with an open neck. If I peered just right, I’d be able to see the start of his chest.

As if noticing I’m checking him out, he grabs my face with his hands and plants a quick kiss on my lips before crushing me against his chest in a hug. ‘I’m so glad you came to me. We can talk this all out.’

I feel myself well up at the idea of breaking his heart when he’s still so hopeful. The warmth of his hard body against me is enough to make me feel I belong here. But I don’t. That doesn’t stop me wanting to savour this. Savour him one last time.

I kiss him slowly and deeply, savouring the taste of him. I shut my eyes and drink him in, memorising the feel of his plump lips on mine. His hands are wrapped around my face, cherishing me.

The resistance drains from me, drop by drop. Just one more time. Just one more time to say goodbye.

He keeps me in his arms while scrambling to unlock the door. He pushes me in backwards, the warmth of his body melting my last shred of resistance. His hands delve into my hair, grasping and pulling urgently. He yanks my head back to gain access to my neck. He peppers kisses down it while I moan like a wanton whore.

He kicks the door shut, his hands finding my hips and lifting me off the floor. I automatically wrap my legs around his waist and immerse myself in the warmth of his neck, his fresh masculine scent causing me to lick him.

He crushes me against the wall, finding the buttons of my blouse and instead choosing to rip it apart. Just seeing his strength turns me on even more. I’m gonna be wetter than an otter’s pocket in a minute.

He shoves my skirt up my body while I fumble with his trousers, yanking them and his boxers down. Then he’s lining himself up and thrusting into me. No preamble or warning.

He fucks me hard, so hard my head is repeatedly smashed against the wall. I half wonder if I’ll have a head wound by the end of it, but it feels too good right now to care.

His legs must be killing him because soon he’s grabbing me and moving us to the back of his sofa. He plants my butt on the back of it and continues to hammer into me. It’s hard and fast. Animalistic even. We’re both just working on autopilot, letting our bodies take over.

Chills starts at the base of my spine, my hair standing on end, and spread all the way up to my head until my mouth is gaping open and I’m panting like a rabid dog. My head starts spinning, my body shaking uncontrollably. It’s almost painful. I eventually fall off the teetering cliff and shatter around him.

A serene sense of calm takes over me. I crush myself into his chest as he finally finds his release. I could stay here forever, happily safe in his arms, but I know that’s not our reality.

It’s now or never. Never would be preferred, but this is what’s best for everyone. I push him away gently, pushing my skirt back down and readjusting my blouse. Time to be a hard bitch.

‘We can’t do this again,’ I say staring at the wall.

There’s an awkward pause. ‘What are you talking about?’

I turn to see his features downcast, his eyes heavy in confusion. Damn it, why did I have to turn to him? I should have just said it and ran.

I swallow hard, my mouth dry. ‘Sorry, Hartley, but I can’t do this.’

His face has turned ashen. Maybe I should have left it a bit longer after the sex.

‘Yes, you can,’ he insists. ‘Me and you together, we can do anything as long as we’ve got each other.’

‘No,’ I say sternly. ‘We’re not together. I’m sorry, but this was just sex.’

He laughs, his eyes not convinced. ‘Come on, you know this was more than that.’

I shake my head, standing my ground, even though I want nothing more than to run into his arms and let him love me.

‘Maybe to you, but not to me. I’m sorry, but I got caught up in being wanted again. I used you to get over my ex and now that I have I see that it's him I want.’

Just uttering this lie has me feeling sick to my stomach.

He looks like his world has collapsed around him. His chin wobbles, his eyes distant.

‘Look,’ I continue, ‘we both used each other to get over something, but I honestly think you should just go back to Clara. Apologise. She’ll take you back.’

‘Don’t you see that I don’t want fucking Clara!’ he explodes, throwing his arms in the air. ‘What do I have to do to get it through your thick skull?’

‘That’s no bother to me either way,’ I snap harshly, not recognising the coldness in my own voice. ‘I won’t be here.’

I stand up, grab my bag and bolt for the door, the first happiness of the last two years left behind in that room.