Sunday 28th January

I still can’t believe I was so close to sleeping with him. A soon to be married man. What is it about this dude? The minute I get around him I start acting like a wanton whore. He must have some kind of pheromones that make women crazy. I’m sure I’m not alone. Surely every woman that meets him falls at his feet?

Anyway, luckily today I have Sunday lunch with Mia, Kelly and Florence, to take my mind off it. Dad couldn’t even look at me over breakfast this morning. I really hope he didn’t tell Mum Hartley’s engaged. I can’t take more judgement. Well warranted, but still.

I’ve just walked in and sat down in the cosy pub with its open fire when Mia and Kelly start leaning across the table and whispering to me.

‘Quick, before Florence gets here,’ Mia says in a rush. ‘We need to organise a date for her baby shower.’

‘It’s a bit bloody soon to be organising that isn’t it?’ I ask, unable to hide my astonishment. She’s only ten bloody weeks.

Kelly and Mia exchange a glance. What the hell was that?

‘I don’t think so,’ Kelly says reasonably with a little shrug. ‘With the way our diaries are, it's best to get something pencilled in.’

‘I suppose,’ I shrug, not agreeing but deciding to go along with it to appease them.

I’m not sure Florence would like this idea. She’s already worried she’s going to copy Felicity’s fate and miscarry before the twelve-week mark. If she found out they were steaming ahead with this I know she’d be mad.

‘But aren’t they a bit American and like tempting fate?’ I voice, not being able to help myself. ‘I mean, it’s still early days.’

Mia looks at me with pity in her eyes. A look I’ve come to know so well.

‘Babe, bad things can happen regardless of a shower.’

I snort aggressively. ‘Trust me, if anyone knows, it's me.’

‘We know,’ Kelly says, a hand on my arm. ‘We know this is going to be really tough for you, which is why we’re offering to take this completely off your hands and organise everything.’

Ugh. The last thing I want is some stupid sympathy.

‘Don’t be stupid,’ I snap. ‘My best friend is having a baby. I told you the other day I’m happy for her. Don’t make out I’m not.’

‘We’re not!’ Mia shouts defensively, hands up as if to surrender.

Gah, where is the waiter? I’d be feeling better about this whole thing if I had some garlic bread right now.

‘What have I missed?’ Florence asks as she walks towards us. She’s looking a lot healthier than the last time I saw her. More of a colour in her cheeks that isn’t green.

I stand up to hug her. ‘Nothing. You’re looking well.’

‘I’ve finally stopped puking you mean,’ she says on a smile.

How could they think I’d have any bad feelings towards her? Having a baby is a bloody miracle and yes, I’m scared for her, but in a loving way. I don’t begrudge her this. Her and Hugh are such a gorgeous couple. I can’t wait to hold their little bundle of joy.

We settle into our usual chatter, catching up on some meaningless gossip from our jobs. I’m desperate to tell them about Hartley, unload some of it, but I know they’d judge me and I’d rather not see that in their eyes.

‘Troy said the funniest thing the other day,’ Mia says, giggling hysterically.

We all look at each other knowingly, then back at her.

‘What?’ she asks, barely able to conceal a smile.

‘You’ve got it bad,’ I laugh. She’s never been this goofy over a guy.

‘Shut up,’ she snaps, still with that goofy grin on her face.

Those two have been pussyfooting around each other for over a year now. It’s ridiculous. I mean, look at me. I meet a soon to be married man and within weeks I’ve almost bedded him. You can’t say I’m not efficient.

‘Anyway, any news from you?’ Mia asks me, obviously desperate to change the subject.

I’ve considered telling them since I woke up this morning, but I just can’t. Yes, a problem shared is a problem halved, but this affects Florence too. If Hugh finds out, he’s going to go spare. He could potentially lose everything: his business, his house and his family. All because I can’t keep it in my knickers.

‘Nothing really. Just working lots.’

I despise lying, but it’s for the best. If I tell them, they’ll only try to talk me out of it, which is what I’ve been doing myself.

‘Seen much of Mr Valentine?’ Florence asks with a cheeky wink.

I glare back at her. Dammit, Flo, why did she have to bring that up?

‘Ooh,’ Kelly coos leaning in, ‘who on earth is Mr Valentine?’

‘Yeah,’ Mia nods with a devilish grin. ‘And are you fucking?’

‘No!’ I shriek, far too quickly in hindsight. ‘Jesus, I’m organising his wedding. Flo’s talking crap.’

They all stare back at me, with raised eyebrows, clearly unconvinced.

‘Is that why you’ve gone bright red?’ Florence teases, elbowing me in my ribs. I roll my eyes. She can be so juvenile sometimes.

Just then my phone pings with a text. I open up the unknown number and read it.

I need to see you. Meet me please? Hartley x

My stomach does a nervous flip. How did he get my number? He wants to meet me? What the hell could he want to say? He must be embarrassed about last night and want to apologise. Make sure I’m not going to run back to his fiancée and tell her. Not ask me to run away with him. No, obviously, that would be crazy.

‘Everything alright?’ Flo asks me, attempting to not so discreetly read my phone over my shoulder.

I quickly put it away. ‘Fine, but I’ve actually got to go.’

‘Now?’ Kelly says in shock. ‘We haven’t even ordered bloody starters yet.’

I nod furiously, trying to look confident. ‘I forgot I was meeting a wedding couple today.’

‘On a Sunday? Jesus, you work too much,’ Mia says with a sigh.

‘I agree,’ Flo nods, chewing on her lip, her eyes suspicious. ‘I’m gonna have to speak to Hugh about you getting some help.’

Crap. That’s the last thing I need. Hugh looking into what I’m doing.

‘Honestly, I’m fine,’ I insist. ‘I enjoy it. You know how I like to keep busy.’

Kelly gives me a sympathetic smile. It makes me suddenly want to cry. It’s one thing being sad at this time of year. It’s another being reminded of it and getting the pity look from your besties.

I wave my goodbyes and get out of there sharpish, before the pinching at my throat turns into tears, my mascara runs, and I look like I belong in a Kiss video.

* * *

He’s asked me to come around his, so we can talk properly. I would’ve made him come around mine, but Mum has today off so I can hardly invite him there. Plus, I don’t want to talk about this anywhere in public. The thought of someone overhearing has me feeling sick to my stomach with dread.

So instead I’m checking the number of his flat in his text and taking a deep breath before knocking on the door, having been let in by a neighbour. Brace yourself Nadine. This is going to be embarrassing. Having someone tell you they regret coming onto you. Never an enjoyable experience. At least I know by the time I’m leaving today it’ll all be over. I can go back to my normal shitty little life.

He answers the door wearing soft faded jeans and a navy-blue t-shirt that clings to every curve of muscle. Fuck, he’s not going to make it easy for me. I avoid his gaze, instead swinging my eye-line to the floor. And he’s barefoot. Why is that sexy? I’ve never been into feet before but damn his are huge and manly.

‘Hi,’ he says on a swallow, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down erratically.

Well, at least he’s jittery about it too. Means I was right about him and he actually does have a heart. Feels bad for leading me on and then shooting me down.

‘Hi.’ I smile back at him, attempting to ease his nerves. I realise it's ridiculous for me to feel like I need to make him feel better, but it’s just how I am.

He moves for me to walk in and I go past him, desperately trying not to inhale his delicious scent. Too late. Damn he smells good.

I sit myself down on the brown leather sofa hoping he sits on the chair across from me. Nope. He sits right down next to me. This is going to be painful.

I force myself to look around the flat so as not to be forced to face him. The whole place is decorated in white, grey and black. Very stereotypical bachelor pad.

‘Nadine...’

I can’t bear it. Him fumbling over his words, trying to find a nice way to let me down gently. Better I just take over and get it over with quickly.

‘Look, it’s okay,’ I interrupt. 'I know what you’re going to say.’

He frowns. ‘You do?’

I nod. ‘Of course, I do. I get it. It was a crazy day yesterday, and you were emotional after the crash. It only makes sense that you needed comfort from someone and with Clara being away, I just ended up being a fill in. Don’t worry, I get it.’

He glares back at me. ‘No actually, you don’t get it at all.’

I stare back at him dumbly. Did I piss him off? What the hell could he be talking about?

‘Huh?’

He unleashes the full, devastating effect of his eyes on me. There’s no option of me looking away. I feel my body start to tremble, the last shred of resistance starting to drip out of my body.

‘I don’t think yesterday was a mistake at all.’

My mouth drops open of its own accord. I’m so baffled, my brain’s in danger of overheating.

‘You... don’t?’

Am I reading this wrong right now? Imagining the way he keeps glancing down at my lips as if he wants another taste?

‘I think it was bound to happen sooner or later,’ he carries on. My mouth practically hits the floor. ‘Nadine, I’ve been attracted to you from the moment we met. Of course, at first, I tried to ignore it, but it’s like I feel this insane pull towards you that I can’t describe.’

So, he feels it too?

His eyes skim along the contours of my face as if he finds every detail interesting. ‘And now I’ve got to know you for the sweet, caring woman you are. Well, I’m crazy about you.’

‘You...’ I gulp, begging my tongue to stop quivering long enough to talk. ‘You... are?’

He nods, giving me the cutest lazy smile. ‘I am.’

‘What about Clara?’ I can’t help but ask. This all results in bullshit if he doesn’t plan on leaving her. Not that I should be encouraging him to leave her. Jesus, I’m a bad person. I’m so going to hell.

‘I broke up with her earlier today.’

My eyes widen to twice the size. He broke up with her? He’s single right now?

‘Cheating isn’t who I am, Nadine,’ he explains, taking my hand. ‘I’m disgusted with myself that we did what we did last night while I was still officially engaged, but if I’m honest I haven’t been present in that relationship for a long while.’

‘Are you doing this just because you met me?’

Because I can’t break up a relationship, and a big part of me wonders if I hadn’t come along would he have just gone through with marrying her? Eventually learnt to be happy.

He takes my hand. ‘Nadine, although I’m falling for you hard right now, this isn’t because of you. You’ve just given me the push I needed, the one I was looking for to get out of an already dead relationship.’

I can’t process this. He’s broken up with Clara. He’s free and single.

Hugh is going to kill me. I try really hard to care, but with him looking at me like I’m the answer to everything right now it’s hard to give one iota of a shit.

‘So, you’re...’ I feel ridiculous saying this, ‘available?’

He snorts a laugh before pulling me closer to him. ‘I’m free as a bird.’

He plants a quick kiss on my lips, a cheery smile on his. I smile back, still in shock, the blood pumping round my body so furiously I’m surprised he can’t hear it.

Then his hands are delving into my hair, grasping and pulling me urgently while his lips attack mine, the hunger in them clear. I let him hold me in place and smother me with kisses, giving in to the immense freedom of letting go. Of letting him kiss me and not feel the crushing guilt normally present on my chest.

He trails his fingertips down my arm causing a shiver of excitement to run up my spine. To counteract the cold, heat rises within me setting my heart racing. My blood pumps around my body quickly, my chest restricted from the lack of oxygen.

I force myself to break away from his lips to grab a breath. He uses the opportunity to push my head back and expose my neck to his peppered kisses. He nips my earlobe, causing me to buck against him. Jesus, I’ve never been an earlobe kind of girl, but I could get used to this.

He untucks my shirt from my jeans and lifts it up over my head. I pull my bra down so it’s still covering me, which I realise too late is a ridiculous thing to do, considering we plan on getting naked. I’m assuming so anyway.

He’s unhooked my bra and is pulling it down my arms before I have a chance to feel anymore self-conscious. I still have tiny silver stretch marks on the sides of my boobs from when I was pregnant. It’s weird how my stomach got away with it, but my boobs just exploded one night. Thanks to that I’m left with my stretchies. I’ve never been bothered about them before, but then I haven’t been naked with anyone else since me and Joshua broke up. Now I’m suddenly aware of how repulsed a person could find them.

But he doesn’t even seem to notice. He’s too busy kissing me again, caressing them gently. He moves his kisses back down my neck until he’s at my breasts. I wait for the sharp intake of breath. For the shock and disgust, but it never comes. Instead he takes one in his mouth and sucks hard. Fuck, that feels amazing. I throw my head back in ecstasy. I’ve forgotten what it feels like.

I feel like I should be doing something, so I take the hem of his t-shirt and pull it up, forcing him to stop what he’s so fabulously doing, for me to yank it up over his head. Not so sexily, I must add.

I pull back to take in the view of his chest. His subtly bronzed, six pack of a chest. Fuck me, he must train hard. I have no idea how he finds the time between teaching, plays and tending to every need of Clara’s. I trace my hands over his pecs, unable to comprehend that this absolute hunk wants little old me. It’s crazy.

He takes my hand and leads me towards his bedroom while I’m still in a daze of disbelief. He pushes me gently back on the bed before stopping to take off his jeans and his boxers. His erect dick springs free. Holy mama! Well, if that isn’t the most perfect dick I’ve ever seen.

I lift onto my elbows in an attempt to scoot further up the bed, but he stops me by pulling my thighs open. Then his mouth is on me. Holy fuck, this man has mad skills. No wonder Clara wanted the dude to marry her. No, no, stop thinking of her. And how you’ve ruined her life. I won’t let her ruin this for me.

He licks me, slow and deliberate before sucking on my clit.

‘My God, you’re soaking,’ he says proudly, looking up to give me a wink.

I can’t help but blush. Then he’s towering over me, kissing me again as he lines himself up and thrusts into me. With my arse on the edge of the bed and my legs clung round him he’s able to go deeper than anyone ever has.

I scream at every thrust, the feeling of fullness combined with the emotion of feeling cherished too much for my soul to bear. He rides me hard and relentlessly, his teeth gritting in the effort, but that doesn’t stop him from caressing my cheek, pushing strands of hair from my face, kissing me gently. Small acts that show me this isn’t just some dirty hook-up. This is real.

Before I know what’s happening I’m coming, squeezing my legs so tight around his arse he actually grunts in pain. It’s amazing and unbearable. Intense and too much. As he finds his last final thrusts and his own release I can’t help but lie there, sated, and wonder what the hell have I got myself into?