Tuesday 30th January

I don’t want to go into work today. I can’t face any happy couples when I know I’ve helped split one up. Maybe I shouldn’t be allowed near them with my groom stealing abilities.

I’d quite happily wallow in bed and my own self-pity for the day, but not only do I have work, but my younger sister Lydia is coming around today, fresh from her honeymoon.

A normal sister would be excited about a sibling’s news from their honeymoon, but not me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any bad feelings towards her. I actually feel sorry for her after her disastrous wedding. It just burns a little that she’s three years younger than me and already has her happily ever after. Especially when I’m so intent on ruining others.

My one chance at love and it comes hand in hand with crushing guilt at having sacrificed someone else’s happiness for my own.

I force myself out of bed and shower quickly, hearing the front door go while I’m drying my hair. I throw a pair of flannel pyjamas on, wanting to at least be cosy, and head downstairs, plastering on my fake smile.

Lydia’s at the kitchen table with Mum, already having a cuppa.

‘Hey, Nads,’ she says jumping up to hug me. ‘I’m so glad you’re finally here.’

Jeez, God forbid I take a shower. I force myself not to sigh out loud.

‘I have some exciting news,’ she beams, sitting down to look between me and Mum.

She must have got her wedding photos back. From her excitement I’m guessing they managed to take some where she doesn’t look stoned. I’ve become more jaded from dealing with her wedding than I have from a whole year of dealing with demanding brides at work.

‘I’m expecting!’ she gushes, jumping up to standing again, to jump on the spot.

My mouth drops open. ‘Expecting... some more photos back from the photographer or...?’ I don’t want to offer the alternative.

I can’t think of the alternative.

Mum’s eyebrows are quirked in anticipation, glancing to me every half a second to sense my reaction.

‘Expecting, as in I’m pregnant!’ she says in triumph, her grin so large I’m scared it’s going to split her face in two.

My stomach feels like I just swallowed a brick. She’s pregnant? My baby sister is having a baby.

‘Wow,’ Mum says, seemingly as taken aback as me. ‘Congratulations, love.’ She stands up and brings her into a slow hug, eyeing me as she does.

I hate that look. The drooped eyelids, the concern on her pursed lips. The look of sympathy. From my own mother.

But my mum is the only one who understands. I am, after all, her baby and when I hurt, she hurts. I know that better than anyone.

Taking a deep breath, I give myself a rapid pep talk. This is good news. This is your baby sister sharing her happiness with you. I need to embrace it.

She takes herself out of Mum’s embrace and comes for me, not a hint of concern in her beaming smile. She’s never been good at thinking about others. I hug her back with as much enthusiasm as I can muster, but it’s as if my whole body has gone numb in its own effort of protecting itself.

‘And it's twins.’

My body goes rigid. She’s having fucking twins? What, one baby isn’t enough for Lydia? Jesus fucking Christ.

I pull back, showing my teeth in what I hope looks like a smile and not a grimace. ‘Amazing news! Congrats.’

She frowns briefly. ‘And you’re definitely happy for me? You know, after...’

‘Belle,’ I say out loud. ‘You can say her name. After Belle.’

She nods, her eyes sympathetic.

‘Of course, I’m happy for you,’ I say sincerely, because I am really. The fact that I’m also devastated and extremely jealous won’t be mentioned.

She starts getting scan pictures out and talking to Mum about how it was so unexpected, but how they’re over the moon. Jesus, she wasn’t even trying to get pregnant.

The room feels like it's closing in on me, my lungs tight as if the oxygen is being sucked out of them. I have to get out of here. I can’t do this right now.

I start backing away. ‘I’m so sorry. I just remembered I need to do something right now.’

‘Really?’ she asks, clearly crushed that I don’t want to see my nieces or nephews.

‘Yeah, I’m so sorry, but I said I’d...’ Quickly Nadine, think of something. ‘Feed Kelly’s cats this weekend.’

Really Nadine? That’s all your brain can come up with? Feeding some bloody cats!

‘Surely that’s not an emergency?’ she asks with an outraged snort.

Of course, she’s right.

‘Oh, but it is,’ I stutter, walking backwards out of the room. ‘I haven’t fed them since Friday. I just hope I don’t find them starved to death.’

Grabbing my coat, keys, and bag, I leave before I burst into tears in front of them. It's only as I’m walking to the car that I realise I’m still in my flannel pyjamas. I consider turning back, but I’d only have to answer more questions that I can’t face right now.

I get in the car and start driving, unsure of my destination. My first thought is to go around Flo’s, but what if Hugh is there? She has a husband now. I can’t just drop around. I don’t want to breakdown in front of him. I know Kelly and Mia will be at work. That leaves... oh, that’s right, no-one.

Instead I find myself parking outside a Tesco extra in a part of town I’m not familiar with. I’ve no concept of how long I’ve been driving or where I am. My body’s just been on autopilot.

I lean my head against the steering wheel and force myself to take a deep breath.

This is fine. Nothing is happening that you didn’t expect after Lydia getting married. I mean, sure, it’s a hell of a lot faster than I was anticipating, and I didn’t expect twins—but I still shouldn’t feel this shaken to my core.

It just seems that everywhere I look there are pregnant women in my life. Babies that are going to be born that I’ll have to watch grow up. Grow up and get to do everything that my Belle never had a chance to do.

Chocolate. I need chocolate. I do my coat up as best I can and decide to brave Tesco. With me not knowing exactly where I am hopefully I won’t see anyone I know.

I walk in quickly heading straight towards the chocolate aisle. I grab the largest packet of Dairy Milk and head for the till. There’s a queue so I have to pause and deal with the funny looks from judgy customers.

Yeah, yeah, I’m in my pyjamas. Get over it.

‘Nadine?’

I freeze, scared to turn around and find who it is that knows me.

I slowly pivot round until I’m face to face with Hartley. Just seeing his gorgeous face creased in concern makes me crumble. I break down in tears, the weight of everything heavy on my shoulders. Breaking up a relationship, putting my career in danger, and now finding out my own sister is going to have not one, but two babies. My life is a disaster, and I know it.

He pulls me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me tightly. ‘Oh babe, what’s happened?’

I sob, my shoulders shaking a ridiculous amount. ‘I’m fine,’ I insist weakly.

He scoffs, his chest rumbling beneath me. ‘Yeah, you look fine.’

He takes my Dairy Milk from me, puts down a fiver at the till and then walks me out of the shop.

‘You’re coming back to mine,’ he insists, guiding me towards his car.

I try to protest, but I know he won’t have it and I don’t have the energy to fight anyone right now. It’s easier to just go along with it.

I sit in the car in silence, looking out the window at the grey and dreary day. What a mess I’ve made of my life.

I know before he even pulls up that I have to end things with him. I have to let him go, let him marry Clara, who he was destined to marry all along. Before I fell into his life and fucked everything up. I’m just a bitter woman who deep down only wants to make people as miserable as me.

He puts the key into the door and leads me, hand on my back, into his flat.

‘I can’t do this, Hartley,’ I blurt out to him as soon as I’m inside.

He frowns. ‘Huh?’

I walk into the sitting room, not bothering to take my coat off. ‘Clara came into work yesterday crying her eyes out. I can’t do it. I can’t be responsible for ruining a relationship.’

He takes my shaking hands. ‘Nadine, I keep telling you, the relationship wasn’t going anywhere for a while.’

‘So you keep telling me,’ I snap. ‘But be honest, can you say hand on heart, that if you hadn’t met me you would have still broken up with her?’

He looks at the floor. It’s enough to tell me he’d have carried on with it. Or at least considered it if I’d not come along.

‘That’s enough of an answer for me.’ I turn and head for the door.

He grabs my hand and pulls me back into him. ‘Stop! I can’t lose you.’ His eyes are desperate, pleading with me more than his words ever can.

I force myself to break away from them. ‘I’m sorry, Hartley, but don’t you see? Me and you were never meant to be. You were never mine to lose. It’s wrong.’

He cups my face with his hands, staring into my soul. ‘How can something that feels so right be wrong?’

I gulp, my eyes stinging from all the tears. ‘Because you’re a cheater.’

‘Am I?’ he asks, his forehead pinched. ‘I broke up with her before sleeping with you. Doesn’t that count for something?’

I shake my head, my chest aching. ‘It doesn’t matter. Once the story gets out, it’ll be that we were having a fully-fledged affair. It will ruin my whole career. Hugh will fire me and no-one’s going to want to employ the wedding planner that stole the groom.’

He starts manically pacing, wringing his hands. ‘No-one will care. Who cares about a career?’ He stops to take my hands, his eyes pleading with me. ‘Surely happiness is more important?’

I push him away using all my energy and cross my arms, turning away from him to wipe my weepy nose. If I keep looking into his eyes, I know he’ll hypnotise me into staying and I’ll be naked again in less than twenty minutes. I have to push him away instead.

‘So, you’re just dismissing my career like it's nothing? What if it was you being fired?’

He frowns. ‘Why would I be fired?’

I have to make him see what it would be like for the situation to be reversed. ‘What if I was one of your students? Then you’d be fired for sure.’

‘Then it would be totally inappropriate,’ he snaps, like I’m insane, arms crossed over his chest. ‘Of course, it would.’

‘And this isn’t?’ He stares back at me, his eyes begging me to come back to him. ‘I’m sorry, Hartley, but I’ve dropped everything for a man before and look how that worked out.’

He pinches his lips together. ‘I wouldn’t know, because you don’t share anything with me. You’re a closed book, Nadine. Why won’t you open up to me?’

My chest aches from everything I haven’t told him. Everything I should and never will.

‘Some wounds are better left alone.’

I turn and run.