MANDY
I toyed with the number that I had written down off of my palm. I had done it as soon as I had gotten home from Alise dropping me off. She had a lot of questions, many that I had no answer to and I tried to ignore some of them. It was too much to think about if I had a say in it.
I wanted to call Greg, but I didn’t know what for. Could I really just call him and see how he was? Did he give me the number because he wanted to talk again or was just being nice? I didn’t think that he was just being nice about it, but I wasn’t really sure and I didn’t want to be wrong.
Staring at the number for far too long, it was a while before I realized that I was going to have to get Alfie and go to work. I had sat and thought about it for several hours and even though my day was just starting, it felt like I had been up all day. It was too much thinking and it was wearing my head out at the moment.
Instead I got dressed and started my day like I was supposed to. Just because I had seen Greg and he put my head in a tailspin, didn’t mean that I was going to be able to leave it like that. I had things to do and Alfie had already texted me wondering where I was. I was never late, but that day I almost was. Instead of being early, I was running only a couple of minutes early, which was late for me.
Alfie was ready to go when I got there and it was then that I realized the similarities. It was not just in the crystal green eyes that seemed to see everything, but in the mannerism as well. Those were not supposed to be the same, but there were many times that my heart had clenched because all I could think about was who Alfie always reminded me of.
“What took you so long Mom?”
I kind of shrugged and told him that I slept in. He didn’t believe me, but didn’t say much else. I was supposed to be the one that worried about the truth, but it was Alfie that was such a fan. I always knew that some things were better left unsaid or unknown. The truth was not always the best thing.
“I just have been a little more tired than usual. I got a lot going on at work. So how was the sleepover?”
He didn’t like that I called it that, but I didn’t know what else to call it. I don’t think there was a cool teenage version that I could use, though I was sure it was best just to not talk to him all together to help my coolness. Teenage boys had their own issues to worry about and I was still getting used to my baby growing up and getting an attitude. It was a hard thing to deal with.
“It’s not a sleepover.”
“Oh, okay, sorry hon.”
He made a deep sigh that told me that he was already sick of talking to me. I was still trying to navigate what I could and couldn’t say, but I would have to be honest if I didn’t say that I wasn’t still as confused as when I started.
“Well I can see it didn’t do anything to improve your mood Alfie. Do we really have to be like this?”
He shrugged and it reminded me of myself. I know exactly where he got his stubbornness from and it didn’t take long for him to tell me what it was that was wrong with him. I could tell it was something, but I wasn’t sure what it was all about.
“Do you want to tell me what is going on with you?”
“I want to know who my dad is. You and Grams keep putting it off, but I am older now and I want to know. I have a right to know mom.”
It was not the first time that he had wanted to know more, and it was not the first time that I was at a loss of what I was supposed to say. I know that I should tell him the truth, but my hands were not unclean and I was afraid that he would never forgive me. I felt guilt for not telling him all of these years, but could I really tell him now? Something inside of me said that I should hold it in a little longer, even if that was going to make him more upset with me. I was okay with that, as long as I convinced myself that it was the best way to go about all of it.
“You need to get to school and I need to get to work. Maybe we can talk about it tonight and I will tell you all that you want to know, okay?”
Alfie wanted to believe me, but it wasn’t the first time that I had backed out of telling him about his father. It was procrastination and fear on my part, but I could tell now that I wasn’t going to be able to put it off anymore. It was time for the truth to come out. I knew that it wasn’t just Alfie that I was going to have to tell some hard truths to, but someone else as well.
I dropped him off at school with a sinking feeling in my heart that was impossible to ignore. I knew that there was part of me that was never going to be able make it up to him, but it was time for him to at least learn the truth.
My mind was elsewhere as I drove the few miles to the animal sanctuary for work. It was my last day for the week and though I loved my job, I was ready for the freedom that came with a little time off. I told myself that I wasn’t going to spend all of my time thinking about Greg, but I knew I was going to do that very thing until I just broke down and called him like I needed to. I made it a point that I was going to call him when I got home from work. There was a lot to talk about and it wasn’t like I didn’t have a very good reason to make that call.