Chapter 10
Uncomfortable Disclosures ~ Gray
I had a hunch something must have happened in the restroom because the Phoebe who came back wasn’t the same girl as the one who left me five minutes before. Her behavior was less confident and I found myself hugging her on the dance floor because of the pain I saw in her eyes. Maybe she had a phone call or something? When the song we were dancing to finished, I asked her if she wanted a drink. She nodded and I led her back to the bar, but not before I noticed a needy look in her eyes. She’d never looked at me that way before.
I grabbed a couple of seats and sat her down beside me. “Want to tell me what’s going on with you?”
Phoebe dunked her straw in her drink, which she always did when she was thinking, and shrugged. When she looked back at me it was as if she’d heard someone had died. “Pheebs, what is it? You’re scaring me, sweetheart.”
“Is Hettie short with long, dark curly hair?”
“Why? What are you asking this for?”
“If she is, I think I just met her in the restroom.”
“What? How? I mean, why do you think it’s her?”
“Just a feeling. I think she’s here.” Phoebe looked away and bit her lip.
“Do you know how many people are in Miami? That’s impossible. Why would you think that?”
Phoebe sighed deeply and gave me a penetrating look. “I was in the restroom and this girl came in. She looked pissed off and huffed in frustration. I made some comment about it and we got talking. She vented to me about how her guy wasn’t paying attention to her and then mentioned that she met a guy from her past this morning. Call it a sixth sense but I think she was your old flame.”
“Nonsense, that’s coincidence. Hettie was having dinner with her guy tonight.”
“Yeah, then this girl told me the same thing, then said he blew her off so she decided to have dinner with the guy from breakfast.”
She can’t be talking about Hettie. I slid my cell from my pocket and checked my messages. My heart almost stopped because sure enough, Hettie had sent me a text accepting my dinner invitation.
“Damn, she’s here at the club?” I asked as I pressed the green phone icon to call her back. Listening for the connection with one finger in my ear, I was suddenly aware of Phoebe’s hurt look as she sat next to me, and immediately closed the call out. Instantly Phoebe’s glances clicked into place, her feelings weren’t as cool as I’d thought.
“Sorry, hon, that was a dick move. I shouldn’t have done that, it was bad form.”
Phoebe shrugged in resignation, her sad expression confirming my thoughts.
“Come on, let’s get out of here,” I prompted, wanting to be anywhere else than in the middle of a shit storm of my own making. With a realization that Phoebe’s connection to me was different. I knew I hadn’t been fair to her, but I had no idea she saw us as anything but friends. I really liked her, but I’d never entertained the thought of Phoebe as anything more than what we were. We were good friends, and the last thing I had wanted to do was to hurt her. Everything about her up to that point had led me to think she felt the same as me about us.
I half expected her to protest; for her to tell me to go find Hettie, but she looked relieved at my decision to leave. She grabbed her jacket from the cloakroom and I draped it over her shoulders. I followed her down the stairs leading outside of the club. Once there, I noticed how she hugged herself, suddenly self-conscious of me. She looked vulnerable and I knew for sure things were never ever going to be the same between us.
I’d noticed a taxi rank at the end of the street when we’d arrived so I kind of steered us in that direction. We walked in an awkward silence and my heart felt heavy. I’d obviously hurt her and I felt like shit for causing the sad look on her face. Seeing her plotting her path with her gaze lowered to the ground was soul destroying. I’d never seen Phoebe as miserable as I had at that moment. I toyed with apologizing to her, but knew that she’d readily accept it even though I’d hurt her, and I didn’t deserve her forgiveness.
Instead, I let the uneasy silence grow between us until we’d taken the cab home and arrived back at the hotel suite. As soon as I pushed the key card in the lock and opened the door, Phoebe went straight into the bathroom.
My heart filled with sadness watching her go. I inhaled deeply, rocking on my heels, and stuffed my hands deep into my jeans pockets where I stood just inside the door. Throwing my head back, I looked at the ceiling and shook it in frustration as I wondered how the fuck I hadn’t noticed her feelings change. I’d been letting her get closer, and I hadn’t applied the brakes at any time. It was no wonder she felt the way she did.
I had completely neglected to ensure Phoebe’s feelings were intact. The very thing I was accusing Hettie’s man of— except Phoebe wasn’t my girl.
Taking my hands out of my pockets, I took my cell and wallet out of my jeans, leaving them on the nightstand. Slipping off my shoes and shirt, I wearily flopped down on the bed with my hands resting behind my head. I felt thoroughly pissed at myself for the way I’d ignored the signs that were as clear as crystal in hindsight.
Phoebe came out of the bathroom, having taken off all her make-up and she’d braided her hair. She looked younger, more vulnerable than I’d ever seen her. “Come here, sweetheart,” I coaxed, gesturing her toward me. Instantly her eyes brimmed with tears but she stayed where she was. I’d never seen her look so uneasy and my heart ached. “I’m sorry, Gray.”
I slung my feet quickly to the floor and sat up straight at the side of the bed. “What the hell are you sorry for? I’m the one who should be apologizing.” I felt disgusted with myself.
Her watery gaze tugged at my heart. “No, it’s me. I was wrong. I thought I could handle what we had…I was handling it, until you asked me to book another room for you. As soon as I did that all my feelings kind of surfaced and rushed into my chest at once. I felt overwhelmed with all these emotions. I thought I’d been managing well until then.”
“What a fucking idiot I am. Forgive me, Pheebs, my behavior has been downright insensitive and disgraceful. I can’t imagine how I made you feel by doing that. I had no idea there was anything but a physical thing going on for you.”
Once again, she gave me a penetrating stare until eventually she shrugged. “It happened. I’ll get over it, but I think I’d like to go home tomorrow, if it’s all right by you?”
There was no way I wanted her to go, not like that, but I had no right to make demands of her. She still mattered to me…I still cared. “Stay. Don’t let your feelings stop you from having a break.”
“Gray, I can’t stay with you like this anymore. Not now you know how I feel. I don’t have the strength, and I won’t sleep with you again, not after you told me how you feel about Hettie.”
Accepting she was right, I chewed on my lip. I’m going to miss her. Pheebs had been there since Lizzie died. I’d opened my heart to her at the time, discussed all my worries with her, and even how I felt about Hettie. I cringed inwardly at how hard that must have felt to hear me say that. I’d taken the best of her. Using her to vent and physically meet my own needs. It was so fucked up that I’d even thought that was okay on any level.
Phoebe knew more about me than I wanted anyone to know, but she had been so easy to talk to. She understood me like no one else, and selfishly, even with everything I knew, I was going to miss her next to me. How fucked up is that?
“I understand. I’ll book you a flight for tomorrow. You want to use the separate room for the rest of the night?” Phoebe glanced to the bed, then to me. I could see the uncertainty in her eyes as she tugged with her feelings.
“No, it’s almost 3:00 am now. I’ll just crash here and leave tomorrow. What time is your car booked for the morning?”
“7:45 am. I’ll book your flight before I leave and you can pick the tickets up at the airport. I’ll get someone to meet you at JFK and take you home, sweetheart.”
“No Gray, I’m going back to London.”
Staring sadly at me for a moment, she stood there hugging herself again, unsure of what to do. My instinct was to take her in my arms and hug her, but I knew after our talk I had surrendered all rights to touch her. I waited in an awkward silence while she gathered her thoughts. Eventually, she nodded, walked around to her side of the bed, and slid under the comforter. I stood up, my heart felt sad and heavy, and walked into the bathroom closing the door behind me.
Placing both hands on the countertop, I stared into the mirror while her alluring, heady scent still surrounded me. I stared at the pitiful face of the selfish man who looked back at me. I hated myself at that moment. “Fuck,” I growled forcefully as I backhanded the glass tumbler that held our toothbrushes side by side. It fell into the porcelain bowl, shattering into tiny pieces, much like the windshield of a car.
Ignoring the mess, I stripped off my clothes, turned on the shower, and stepped under the hot, steamy spray. Standing directly beneath it I allowed the needle-sharp jets of water to beat down on me. I wasn’t sober, but I was far from drunk. I stood there like a statue while the water did nothing to cleanse my mind as I reflected about all the feelings I couldn’t decipher from the previous twenty-four hours.
Talk about chasing rainbows with Hettie. Perhaps if I’d stayed, she’d have been out of my system years ago. Would I ever have stayed with her?
Was what I felt love? Were my feelings as strong then as they appeared to be now? If I’d stayed and let the whole thing play out between us, would my feelings be the same? I’d never know the answer to those questions. The only thing I knew for sure was, I’d hurt Phoebe, the sweetest, closest person to me, because of a dream-like fantasy I had harbored since leaving college. By the time I shut off the shower water I was knee deep in self-pity.
Stupid, impulsive, decisions had sent three people’s minds into a tailspin. Had I made Hettie discontented? Had I made myself unhappy? The only thing I knew for sure was I’d lost the valuable relationship I had with Phoebe.
When I walked back into the room I glanced over to the bed. Phoebe was lying on her side with her back to me. I’d never seen her like that before. Usually, if she was in bed before me, she wore nothing much but a sexy smile and was always ready for some fun. Her sexual appetite was almost as insatiable as my own.
Initially, I hesitated about getting into bed at all, but I figured if she’d decided she still wanted to be there then it was safe for me to lie beside her. Pulling back the comforter, I slid under the sheet and lay on my back wondering whether I’d ever see her again since she was leaving. She’d stopped hanging with the other girls since she’d been hanging out with me. I’d separated her from them, set her apart in their eyes, and I hoped they didn’t give her a hard time if she went back to that scene. From the look on her face I got a feeling she was done with our band.
My head felt heavy on the pillow, and instead of the belly full of excitement about seeing Hettie I’d had that morning, I was in my bed feeling like I’d fucked up everything for everyone concerned. Part of me wanted to know what would have happened if I’d gone to dinner with Hettie, while another part was kicking my own ass when I thought about how I’d hurt the girl lying next to me.
Turning on my side to look at her, I could just make out her outline lying next to me. We weren’t touching; it was a big bed. My gut feeling was she wasn’t asleep. I’d already apologized and I had nothing else to say so I lay quietly, my heart aching selfishly because our easy-going relationship was gone.
“Are you mad at me?” Phoebe’s voice broke the silence in our dark room.
“What? How could I ever be mad at you, sweetheart? No, of course I’m not, Phoebe. I’m very flattered you feel like you do, you’re a stunningly beautiful girl. Why would you think that?”
“The glass, the angry cuss?” she offered in explanation.
“No, sweetheart, that was me mad at myself.”
“Oh, right,” she said, quietly before she sighed and adjusted herself a little.
“How could I ever be mad at you for developing feelings with all the time we’ve spent together?”
“You haven’t.”
“Phoebe, I’m a fuck up where girls are concerned. I’ve been lying here with a thousand thoughts running through my head. It’s only eleven weeks since Lizzie died. I don’t know what the fuck I feel about anything much. Arriving here in Miami has unearthed some stuff I thought I was long past. After the last few months of my feelings being numb, I’ve somehow latched onto the past and happier times. Since Lizzie passed over, I’ve been too dependent on you. You’ve helped me, cared for me, and I feel now that I didn’t deserve your friendship. I really like you, Pheebs. Always have and now I feel like I’ve taken advantage of you.”
She adjusted herself as if she was trying not to turn around. I hoped she wouldn’t because it was easier to say what I had to without her looking at me. When she said nothing, I continued.
“Coming down here to Miami, now of all times, has shaken some feelings loose that I hadn’t tied up properly from when I lived here, and I’m wondering if reconnecting with Hettie was a bad idea.” I held my breath for a second then continued, “Maybe I am on the rebound. Hell, maybe I’m so fucked up inside I have no idea what I’m doing. I could have lied and carried on with you like this, but that would have been unfair; dishonest even. You mean more to me than that, Phoebe. All I know for sure is I have unfinished business here. Business with Hettie, and I need to see that through.
“Hettie has a partner, Gray. Doesn’t that matter to you?”
“And I’d walk away if she was happy. I’m not going to interfere but I don’t think for a minute she’d ever have agreed to meet me if that was the case.”
Another stony silence fell between us, eventually I heard Phoebe’s breathing grow deeper. The last thing I remember was listening to the even spacing between her breaths until I fell asleep.
****
Silky smooth skin slid over mine as a warm leg made its way across my abs. The stroking of satin-like warmth felt good. Sleepily, I turned into her body, my arm sliding under her neck and my other hand splaying her lower back, pulling her closer. Hot breath wafted over my cheek fueling my desire to close the space between our mouths in a lazy kiss. My tongue penetrated her mouth and instead of meeting a dueling tongue like I’d expected, her body froze.
Tensing, I cracked an eye open in time to see Phoebe give me a startled look, and pull herself completely free of me.
“God. I’m sorry,” we both said at the same time.
“No…I was asleep, I didn’t mean to—”
“No, it’s my fault,” I said, cutting her off. “I shouldn’t have reacted like that. I didn’t…I mean…I’d forgotten…FUCK.” I ran my fingers through my hair, rolled over in frustration, and lifted my cell from the nightstand. It was still dark, 5:40 am.
“What will you do when you go home?” I asked, genuinely concerned about what came next for her.
“Not sure, maybe work at my sister’s company for a while. Go traveling, or take a break and work at my dad’s chalet in France. It’s high season there, so they can always use the help.”
Phoebe’s family had money. A lot of money. Her upbringing had been prep schools and the best boarding schools money could buy. The kind of school where your family’s history comes into play just to gain a spot there. Her wealth hadn’t affected her. She wasn’t stuck up in the least, and was surprisingly rounded for someone with her background. Most of all she was very independent. It was that independence that drew me to her, like she never needed to rely on anyone—until her recent disclosure.
“I don’t want to lose you as a friend, Pheebs. You mean a lot to me.” Even as I said it, I felt as if I was handing her a consolation prize. I had been lucky for the time I had with her, and it wasn’t fair of me to make any demands.
“Yeah.”
Slowly, I closed my eyes because that one word was laced with regret. “I understand if you’d rather—”
“No,” she said, quickly. “I love spending time with you. I think maybe I just need a little space to get some perspective again.”
This time I pulled her to me and knew full well what I was doing. “You’re a fabulous girl, Pheebs. Trust me, I couldn’t have asked for anyone better to spend these past few months with. This stuff with Hettie isn’t new. It’s been on my mind for the past seven years. If I don’t deal with it, like you said, it’ll shape my future.”
Reaching up to my hair, Phoebe grabbed a fistful and gave it a tug. “I’m glad you’ve been honest with me, Gray, it shows me you do care a little for me. Right now, you seem callous, but I’d rather have your brutal honesty than false hope.”
Her words stung. And I deserved them. If I was being honest with her, I should have expected the same in return. “I care a lot, Pheebs, and we have amazing chemistry, I just don’t have the emotional attachment going on.”
“It hurts to hear it, but it isn’t like I didn’t expect that to be the case.”
Placing her head on my chest, I sifted my fingers through her silky long hair, caught a strand and inhaled that apple shampoo she loved. After yet another extended silence we both dozed off again.