Chapter 26
Distinctive ~ Hettie
Since the night I had given into my lust to feel Gray inside me again, I’d tortured myself about how I’d behaved that night. At first I thought it was a combination of the emotional shift of leaving Harris, and Gray coming back into my life so suddenly, which had influenced me to act like a trollop. I’d been with other men before Gray, but only Harris afterward, and from the day I caved and turned up at his hotel room, I had thought of nothing since. I’m sure Gray knew he’d ruined me for most other men, because what we had just didn’t happen every day.
During the day I didn’t think about him that much, my mind was occupied with all the lesson plans, schedules, and student progress sheets I had to keep, but when I went to bed at night…that’s when I felt lost. My heart ached when I thought about Gray. Sometimes I felt like a harlot, leaving one man’s bed and jumping straight into another, but it wasn’t like that. Gray had seeped under my skin all those years ago, and reappeared when I least expected it, like he’d been dipped in some invisible ink which had suddenly worn off.
After I left him sleeping in his bed I felt worse. I had given into my desires for one night and sacrificed seven years of healing just to lie in his arms for one more time. Distraught at my weak will, I slumped on the floor just inside the door.
My tears flowed freely as I hugged my knees in distress at my stupidity, but Gray was my nemesis. My heart and soul was tied to his, no matter how much time had passed. Lorna came out of her bedroom, her face registering her alarm when she saw me so distressed. I had no choice but to tell her what I had done.
Lorna was amazing. She never judged me for taking a chance. Quietly she walked alongside me, slid down the wall next to me, and held me tightly while my heart broke for Gray. I had never been a weak woman. I’d never allowed anyone to ride rough shot over my feelings. I had been tolerant to a fault with Harris. It was the first time in my life someone had taken advantage of me, but it was different with Gray. He’d promised me nothing, but gave me the world in terms of someone to love.
Gray never asked that I fell for him, he never gave me false hope, and always reminded me our time was short. He had been honest about us from the start; even gave me the option to back off. It had been my choice to take what I could because it was better to have known the kind of passion we had than to live my whole life not knowing the depth of desire and pleasure he’d given me.
Lorna had stood and entered the kitchen, and after a few minutes she came back. Gently she coaxed me to my feet and had made us two long drinks containing copious amounts of alcohol to numb the pain in my heart.
At that moment I hated myself for being weak, for turning that cab around, yet when Gray had called me, out-of-the-blue, it was a much desired dream come true. When he got in touch it was a wish list scenario I had played out in my mind many times. Whenever I had thought about it, the possibility had thrilled me, and there were many nights I had even dreamed it happened, only to wake suddenly to the stark reality he wasn’t with me. Afterward I’d lie in my bed in the dark, my heart aching because the possibility of him ever coming back for me was slim to nothing.
Many times during the following two days I had felt tortured knowing he was still at the hotel, so close and yet he may as well have been a thousand miles away. My cell had itched in my hand more than once for me to call him, to see him again while I still could, but it felt pointless, our circumstances were even more complicated than when he went back to the UK.
I fought my feelings and moved on with my life, and even though I’d been asked out on dates many times, I had found myself comparing them to Gray. None of them stacked up, none could begin to compare. Harris moved on to Diane, just like I felt he would, and after a few months we stopped speaking altogether. There was no more to say. I didn’t feel sad about us anymore because after my night with Gray, I had figured although I loved Harris, it was never on a level of what I felt for my rock star.
When I heard the intimate song Gray had written about us on the radio three times in one day my willpower vanished. Initially, my whole body tightened with frustration and I felt the all too familiar tug at my heartstrings whenever I heard his voice. Even though it was on the last few lines I couldn’t bear to hear it again so I switched from my radio station to avoid it.
By the time I’d driven out the high school parking lot and into the A1 heading south for home, I switched it back thinking the song would be over because the traffic bulletins on that station were local to me, and I had wanted to avoid any delay on my journey home. My heart stuttered in my chest and a pang of sad longing shot through it when I heard Gray’s distinctive sexy voice laughing and joking, being his charming, cool self, during an interview with the presenter.
For ten minutes I sat trance-like on autopilot as I drove through the traffic, listening to his smooth deep voice. I couldn’t tell you what was said because my concentration was fleeting, my mind flicking through many memories of our time together, but mostly occupied with vivid images of the last night I spent with him. By the time I got home I pulled my cell out of my bag, as I still sat in my car outside my sister’s apartment, and found his number. My desperation to talk to him was so great I never even figured what I’d say when he answered me. I acted on pure impulse driven by how much I had missed him again.
As soon as the call connected my heart raced. Adrenaline coursed through my body and I thought I may pass out from the electrical charge it spread. Six ring cycles later the ring tone changed and I knew I’d been diverted, just where I wasn’t sure.
I didn’t get time to think about it as his message service kicked in. The diversion threw me. Is it his home message machine or an answering service? Not knowing where I was leaving the message made me lose my confidence and I bumbled through an apology of the way I had been after our last meeting and hung up. It had made me feel worse than before I’d made the call.
Tears fell as my heart felt imprisoned by a man I would never have. Suddenly, I knew if I ever had a chance with him I’d give up my career to follow him. It wasn’t that I was weak, it was a case of I loved him more than I loved teaching. But Gray had never looked back from that night. He hadn’t called again, and he’d probably had a few dozen girls since me. God, I feel stupid.
Weeks passed since the call and I figured it had probably gone to an answering service and felt relieved he wouldn’t have heard the uncertainty in my voice. Thinking he’d probably have been given my message by someone with a posh, efficient telephone voice, and the emotion that had been in my heart when I left the message would have been lost on him. I was, at least, partly consoled by that.
Five weeks after I’d made the call, Kennedy arrived at Lorna’s apartment with a cute guy in tow. Jerod was a handsome six-footer with an easy smile and a laid-back approach to life, despite being a firefighter. He was staying at Kennedy’s place for a few weeks between buying a newly built house and having just sold his apartment. I smelled the set-up as soon as he walked in the door, but I didn’t resist Lorna and Kennedy’s matchmaking attempt because I needed a diversion from Gray.
Jerod was great company and I enjoyed the foursome dates we went on with my sister and her boyfriend, but no matter how cute, he was never going to reach the pedestal I’d put Gray on. It wasn’t for the sake of trying, we made out a lot and I tried hard to make myself like him, but the chemistry I had with Gray could never be matched.
A few months later I began making excuses for why I couldn’t arrange any dates and eventually, I had to be frank and tell Jerod how I felt. I wasn’t prepared for how hurt he was or how he had tried to talk me around, but he deserved better than me. No matter what my head told me, my heart already belonged to someone else even if they weren’t around anymore.
Breaking up with Jerod was the catalyst I needed to move out and into my own apartment. The year after I split with Harris, Diane had bought me out of the apartment, so I had a good nest egg put aside. It wasn’t enough to buy a property, but it was enough to give me some security while I rented. I found a studio apartment above a restaurant near the beach, and I figured moving into a place that was just mine gave me the lift I needed to get my life back on track.
Focusing on my work helped my life settle down and for a while it had appeared to bring me out of the doldrums. I enjoyed male company and when a teacher from another school, Donald, invited me for drinks I didn’t hesitate to go, but quickly made it known I wasn’t looking for a relationship. He had recently divorced and was lonely, and said he was thankful just to have my company. We grew as friends, and from that point on Donald became a great support to me. We talked often about our lost loves, and it was nice to be able to get Gray off my chest now and again without being judged.
In time, Donald met a woman a few years older than him with a couple of kids and learned to love again, while I felt stuck. I wondered if I was ever going to feel the same way again, as I’d felt when I was with Gray, so when two years after the last time I’d slept with him my phone rang and I saw his number light up my screen I was blown away.
It was a Sunday afternoon when he called out of the blue. I was running in the park. The hot sun was high in the sky, the humidity stifling with my exertion. I’d toyed with giving my routine a miss and lying out by the pool, but I knew running helped my mood. I stared at my cell and for a minute I was frightened to answer for fear he’d destroy me forever, but the way my heart reacted just from seeing his name, I knew I may have wondered for the rest of my life what he had wanted if I didn’t.
My response was curt when the call connected, but the sound of his voice when he said my name was an instant thaw, even if I tried to hide it. Even though I tried to stay in control of the conversation when he said he would be in Miami, my stomach and most other parts of my anatomy clenched tightly. He wanted to see me again, and damn it, I wanted to see him as well, but it was different this time because I was truly single, no baggage. But that’s even more dangerous.
I found myself agreeing to his offer to ‘hang out at the beach’ but I was afraid I’d end up in bed with him again like some groupie of his that got laid every time he came to town. I wasn’t that girl, so I called Parker, a guy I’d had a casual date with a few times, and invited him along. Even as I did I knew it was a poor defense against the charms of Gray. It was akin to using a paper bag to protect my hair against a monsoon rain.
When I closed the call out, my mind raced chaotically. Feelings bombarded my mind, body, and soul. I had two days to perfect myself, two days to curb my feelings and not throw myself at his feet. I knew he felt something for me by the way he kept coming back. I loved him that much, I was willing to take the risk of my heartache just to be near him again.