Chapter 7
Talk to me ~ Hettie
Breakfast with Gray was probably one of the most uncomfortable experiences I’d ever encountered. We used to be so easy together. Nothing used to be out of bounds in our daily dialogue apart from how I had developed feelings for him.
Taking a deep breath to stem my nerves, I walked into the diner fighting my anxiety to face more than half a decade of unfinished business. Despite everything I’d told myself in the past, it was clear my feelings for Gray were still deep rooted; that was apparent at how weak I was to resist him once he began to speak to me. It had taken courage for me to agree to meet him because I risked a deluge of misery like I’d barely managed after he left me before.
As I entered the restaurant, I swear the air thickened. I inhaled deeply again, exhaling slowly, and then stood still just inside the door. Conscious his eyes may be on me, I stood perfectly still, my stance as elegant as my jelly legs would allow. The man who still occupied a small space in my heart was back and he was breathing the same air as me again. The man I had fallen in love with, who never knew I had, was here and I hoped he had more courage than he’d had when he’d left me without a proper goodbye.
When I glanced around my eyes met his. My breath caught in my throat at the sight of him. It felt as if a vacuum had sucked all the air out of the room. I remained motionless, light-headed, as if I were in a dream. When I saw the same gorgeous, sexy, guy from my past wander toward me with a smile as wide as the room, I almost panicked and ran. Even the beaded necklace he wore was the same from before. Right then I figured it would take very little to sway my feelings in favor of him, no matter what he’d done in the past.
Gray looked beautiful, older. The years had matured his attractive boyish appearance, his broad shoulders and hard pecs defined to stretch the navy blue T-shirt he wore tightly. His strong, inked arms and narrow hips had me distracted until I dragged my reluctant eyes back to his face. When I focused on his features, a small thrill of pleasure shot through me. I’d forgotten that persuasive and alluring glint he had in those deep brown eyes. It was those naughty, sexy, expressive eyes that had drawn me in as soon as we met. I fought hard not to allow my body to give over to my feelings and reach out to him.
Watching him sift his fingers through his thick, dark blond sun-kissed hair had me hypnotized. Gray’s hair was longer than when I knew him all those years ago, but it suited him better. When I realized he was staring intently, my gaze dropped to his mouth. He smiled and I felt a small smile curve my lips in return. He was sucking me in and I felt powerless to resist until I thought about the mess I had been.
He stepped nearer as a hand swept around my waist, pulling me closer to him. His unexpected contact sent a shiver of delight down my spine when his warmth radiated through my dress. Closing the space between us even more, my heart pounded in anticipation of his mouth touching my skin. When he kissed my cheek, the intimate contact sent a rash of goosebumps bursting out of every pore.
Still self-conscious, I couldn’t move, and as if Gray could read my body language he slipped his warm, strong hand into mine and led me toward our booth at the diner. Our booth. He remembered. I didn’t object when he took my blue jacket from me, his fingertips skimmed my shoulder briefly as he did and another small thrill shot through me and pulled at my core.
During our first proper conversation in years, his language was blunt and honest, just as I’d expected, and when I spoke back I struggled to keep the hurt from my voice. I was acutely aware of the weight of his stare and I tried hard to hide my feelings, especially the negative ones I had been having about Harris. As our breakfast progressed, the dialog between us became more intense as Gray pressed me with crude personal questions about my relationship with my boyfriend.
They were pertinent questions about my feelings toward Harris and the relationship we had and our discussion suddenly overwhelmed me. I couldn’t really defend Harris, and to my dismay, tears welled in my eyes until I couldn’t hold them back any longer. Gray scowled at my distress before his eyes softened.
My heart swelled at his concern when he reacted instantly. Leaving his seat he slid into the booth beside me, our past was forgotten when pulled me into a tight hug. A genuine hug. The way he handled me felt so familiar that the years and the hurt fell away. I sagged against him enjoying the firm embrace I had craved for months after he’d gone.
I took advantage of the opportunity and inhaled his clean, manly scent. It filled my head with memories of the same body soaked in sweat. The intimate, passionate, days and nights we had shared in the sultry heat were at the forefront of my mind. An urge to touch the skin on his neck with my lips made me pull back to look at him. For a second I thought he was going to kiss me. A kiss I questioned if I would have the will to reject.
Instead, he chose to kiss my forehead, and I was thankful that the moment had passed between us, but somehow it meant more to me. I had another weak moment when he looked deep into my teary eyes as he brushed those that had fallen to my cheeks. I pulled away when I felt I was losing control. Gray offered no resistance and I was glad he’d made it easy for me by sliding back out of the booth and back to his own side of the table.
When he said, “Talk to me,” I had wanted to share my feelings, but the diner wasn’t the place. There was no way I wanted to air my private life in a conversation somewhere that impersonal. It felt wrong and I wondered what I could say anyway. How was I supposed to talk about a man I loved with the man who was my first love? The man I probably loved more.
“Not here,” I’d answered by way of an excuse. My voice sounded sad and defeated, even to me.
Fortunately, the waitress arrived with our food, and while I was eating Gray pulled out his phone to text someone. I wondered if he was answering some female that had messaged him until he looked up at me and spoke.
“Listen. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, but I just messaged a friend to book another room at the hotel where I’m staying. Don’t worry, baby, I promise it’s not to take advantage of this situation. I just want to spend time hanging out with you. If you don’t have anything pressing to do, what do you say about coming back with me? We can take this somewhere quieter and just catch up on life.”
From my perspective, it was a dangerous proposition. My relationship with Harris was vulnerable, mainly due to his selfish approach to his career and committing to me. On the other hand, my thoughts regarding Gray were tumbling around like a spinning wheel, slowly making me forget the bad part of his idea.
I wondered if I could trust myself not to be with him intimately when I allowed my thoughts to remember how amazing he used to make me feel. Every frown he made, every smile he gave me affected me in ways Harris’ never quite had. I put it down to infatuation about a love that was never requited.
“Listen, I understand that you are probably questioning my motives here, but I don’t have much time, so I guess I have to be bold and ask you to spend time with me. I wish things were different but they’re not, and I’m not sure if I’ll get the chance to do this again with the schedule that’s being set out for the band.”
Gray had always been a straightforward guy. He was a alpha male in regular circumstances so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. At the back of my mind I thought about Harris and how he’d feel if he knew I was in some random hotel room with my first love and I knew if I went I’d have to tell him about it.
“All right. I’ll come with you, but I’m not sleeping with you.”
“Good, I’m not sleeping with you either, so don’t get your hopes up and jump me.” Gray smiled affectionately and winked flirtatiously at me. I found myself smiling back.
“You need to do that more often.”
“What?”
“Smile. It turns you from a pretty woman into a very beautiful one. It’s the best smile in the world. I’ve always thought that.”
We tucked into the rest of our food and Gray paid the bill, leaving the waitress a generous fifty dollar tip. My mind recalled other ways Gray showed his generosity and my face flushed. As we left the diner, we walked closely beside each other but didn’t touch. I folded my arms around myself nervously and waited for Gray to break the ice that had formed between us since transferring from the diner to the street.
When he’d stepped to the side of a stocky street performer and his arm brushed with mine, tiny electrical currents cascaded like dominos while a delightful buzz ran through me.
“It’s just around the corner,” he mumbled, reaching out to put his protective arm around my shoulder. He guided me through the crowd as we neared the beachfront hotel. Inside, my heartbeat hammered, random adrenaline rushes causing bursts of excitement to the point where it was almost impossible to think about anything except where Gray’s arm was. Even through the thin layer of my jacket I could feel the heat emanating from his hand, the pressure from his fingertips was just enough to feel safe with him. And I hated myself because it felt so good.
I pulled away from him as soon as there was space and noted Gray didn’t resist the separation. Although I missed the closeness, I knew he’d reacted appropriately and that made me feel both comfortable and disappointed. If he noticed my silence it wasn’t apparent as he continued to talk about his band, why they were in Miami, and how excited he felt about being in the US once again. When he told me that if his band became popular he’d be in Miami regularly, my heart flipped over at the thought of him being around.
Reaching the bank of elevators in the hotel took my nerves up a notch. I felt I was stepping into no-man’s-land. An unchartered space in my life’s journey where things could get messy and complex. I’d only spent just over an hour with Gray by that point and already I had been persuaded into going to a hotel alone with him.
Every warning bell rang loudly, but suddenly I was deaf. Everything in me screamed to be held with affection by him. His simple touches from before had made me crave the generous attention he’d given me once, the attention that Harris had neglected to provide all too often. Gray was grateful for my time; whereas Harris made me feel like I should be grateful I had him for most of the time.
Watching the elevator doors close, the small space was suddenly claustrophobic and silent except for the noise of the engine propelling us up to the floor of Gray’s hotel suite. I took out my cell and checked it for something to do and saw a sobering message from Harris.
Harris: Don’t wait up, it’s going to be a long day. Been invited for drinks later. New boss is awesome, great bunch of people. Diane in sales is a fun girl, you’d love her. Catch you in the morning. H.
I stared down at the text and swallowed audibly. My temper rose from my belly to my chest like a fast-pitched bowling ball about to make a strike. I fought to control my self-awareness around Gray as I absorbed how shabbily Harris had treated me. There was no invite to meet him, no mention of dinner or his blowing me out, his only reference to me was that I’d find another female he was spending time with fun. There wasn’t even an x at the end of the message. And his comment: catch you in the morning. What the fuck was I, a fish? I swiped my screen and tucked my cell in my jacket pocket, making a sideways glance toward Gray.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah, fine,” I lied, but at least my voice hid my feelings.
“You don’t look fine. Is it me? Are you okay with this because if you’re not I completely get it—”
“It’s not you, it’s just—”
“If it’s not me then what is it?”
“It’s fine, I’m just feeling a little…confused.”
“About?”
The elevator lurched to a halt, a chime alerting us immediately before the mechanical doors swished open. Gray placed a protective hand on my lower back as he guided me out of the elevator. Glancing each way at the numbers, he gestured toward the left. “It should be down here.”
“You haven’t been here yet?”
“Yeah, I have a room here but I have a friend staying with me. I asked her to book another room so that we could have some time together.”
Instantly I ground to a halt, horrified by his disclosure. “You’re staying here with a woman and you asked her to book a room for us? What kind of fucked up arrangement is that? What kind of person do you think I am?”
Turning on my heel, I began to walk swiftly back in the direction of the elevator, my heart rate rising with every step as my mind went into meltdown. I had only traveled about seven steps before Gray grabbed me gently, but firmly, by my upper arm.
“Stop. She supports me in this. She’s just a friend, and this room is only a quiet place for us to talk. I didn’t plan on anything else. I promise, Hettie. I don’t have anywhere else that’s not public to take you.”
Studying his face for the truth, his eyes pleaded for me to accept what he’d said. I knew him well enough from our past to know he was being honest with me. He’d never lied to me in the past apart from that last day. I nodded my acceptance, but the fact that he was in Miami with a woman left me with an odd feeling of jealousy. I knew I had no right to feel that way. We were in the past.
Once Gray had found the suite number on the door, he slid the key card into the slot and pushed it open wide. I was thankful to see two high-backed chairs and a sofa in a sitting room arrangement, and not a standard twin queen bedroom or anything. My heart rate slowed as I calmed at the sight of it. Walking ahead of him, I sat down on the edge of one of the seats. I took in a deep breath to calm myself as his back faced me when he closed the door. Before he turned around I exhaled slowly.
“Want to tell me what’s wrong? What are you confused about?” Gray asked as he tossed his key card and wallet on the small table to the side of the sofa. He wandered over to sit on the arm of the chair opposite me. The intense stare he gave me made me feel like I should look away, but I couldn’t bear to at the same time. It had been a long time since I’d seen his beautiful features.
Wringing my hands, I sat in silence, not knowing how to explain that the man I loved wasn’t holding true on his promises about our future, to someone who should be firmly in my past. With what I felt I wasn’t sure it would be a good idea. My head was a mess of chaotic emotions and a hundred things I’d rather say to Gray, but couldn’t.
“Answer me this. Are you happy? I mean truly happy, Hettie? You said yes earlier, but I have to say you don’t appear to be the same girl I left behind.”
“Of course I’m not the same. You left me without saying goodbye, Gray. I meant that little to you all I got was a text. I knew we weren’t going anywhere, but you could have at least made the goodbye between us less messy for me.”
“And that is what this is about? Bullshit. I may only have known you a short time but we had no secrets, Hettie. What’s he like, your guy? Tell me about him.”
“Why does that matter?”
“In the diner, when I asked you about him I was prepared to have my heart ripped apart. I was prepared to watch your face light up like it used to when you saw me, but it didn’t. You hesitated when I asked if you were happy. When I asked you that question, yes fell from your tongue like a rehearsed line of a play. I don’t believe you.”
My heart raced hearing his comment. It meant he had felt some of what I was feeling for him all those years ago. “And why would my words rip your heart out? That would indicate you felt something for me. I was nothing to you. I am nothing to you.”
“That’s not true. I did feel something for you. Was it love? I don’t know. I’ve never been in love that I know of. Sure, I’ve had a high school crush kinda love. I’ve definitely lusted after hot girls to get in their pants, but I’ve never had the mood swinging kinda thoughts that made me hard one minute and crushed my soul the next, like my best mate Brody describes to me. But something did happen when I met you. Somewhere between meeting you all those years ago, and today, you’ve stuck in my mind. Of all the girls I’ve ever met, you’re the one that stuck. You said once I’d forget you. You were wrong. I’ve never forgotten you.”
Adjusting my position while my heart pounded in my chest, I felt two things. Elation and sorrow, my life was complicated and I still couldn’t have him even if I wanted to. “Why did you want to see me? To tell me that you may have loved me once? What is this supposed to achieve, Gray?”
“I can’t explain it…what I feel, but I needed you to know that what we had wasn’t just two friends fucking because they liked it. What we did meant so much more than that, baby. We had…more than sex.”
We did. We were easy together…effortless. Gray had consumed my every waking thought for the last five weeks of my college days. Sliding off the arm of the chair, he stood up and paced the floor slowly. Both hands reached up to his dark blond hair, and I watched as his fingertips sifted through his locks. “I’m asking again, Hettie. Are you happy?”
“I was.” My confession was out before I thought about what I’d said.
“I think that is the most honest thing I’ve heard you say about your current relationship so far,” he stated. “Are you implying you’re not right now? What’s changed?”
I shrugged my shoulders, helplessly. How does one start to explain Harris’ actions? Would I sound selfish whining about Harris work or would my discontent appear like a signal for Gray to make a move on me?
Checking his heavy wristwatch, he made his way to the wet bar. Pulling out a beer he snagged the top off, set it on the side and fished out a small bottle of Bombay Sapphire Blue Gin. Grabbing a slimline tonic he kicked the door shut and glanced in my direction. He gave me a perfect full on smile. l felt the ice around my heart thaw, with that smile.
“It’s after 11:00 am now, 5:00 pm in the UK. Happy hour,” he remarked. Another sexy smirk played on his lips as he poured my drink. Wandering around the counter to the tall fridge, he placed the tumbler under the ice dispenser making some crushed ice fall into the glass. “Gin still your drink of choice?”
“It is,” I answered, marveling at the way he’d mentally stored everything from our time together.
“I remember most things about you,” he informed me in a seductive tone. A nervous laugh escaped from my throat.
“Well, you remember what I drink at least,” I answered, trying to sound unaffected.
“You don’t believe me? Okay, let me see,” he challenged. His fingers covered his lips as he thought about what he wanted to say.
“I remember how your laugh sounds, it’s infectious as hell. I remember how your hands felt when they stroked sensually over my skin, the way your nails dug into my back. I remember the way you always bit into my left shoulder when we fucked intimately, and I remember how your soft hand felt when you held my dick in your palm. My favorite memory is how naked my dick was when I was with you, my wet tip sliding down your slick pussy whenever I got ready to enter you. You’re still the only woman I’ve ever rode bareback.”
I sat in silence absorbing his account.
“What do you remember about me? I dare you to tell me,” he probed.
“I don’t really want to do this, Gray. The alcohol, talking about the intimacy we shared, the way you want to know how unhappy I feel about Harris. This isn’t seduction…it’s manipulation,” I countered. I crossed my legs and hugged myself.
“How am I manipulating you? I’m telling what I know. How it was for me when I was with you. If you feel manipulated it’s because of how you feel about your guy. You’re comparing what’s lacking with him to being here with me. That tells me something is stirring in your mind. You have to own that at least.”
“I have a life, Gray. A good life. The career I always wanted, a lovely apartment overlooking the beach, a guy who’s on his way up in his company, and we have plans.”
“Well, babe, you know what I hear in all of that? Career, house, a guy that’s more interested in his job than his woman, and dreams of a future.”
“Your career came before anything so how can you dismiss Harris for having the same aspirations?”
“I wasn’t leading you to believe you’d have a whole future mapped out, sounds like he’s ducking out of committing to you.”
Gray let me think about that last comment as he placed his butt against the back of the chair and stood quietly. Gazing into my eyes, he held my stare with a level of intensity that told me what he’d just said was the ugly truth about my relationship with Harris. Once he’d let his words sink in he continued.
“I was twenty-three, Hettie. As were you. I knew I had to go home either way. My visa was expiring and my college days were done. In my opinion I thought a clean break would be less hurtful for you. Don’t think I didn’t feel how emotional you were that last night we spent together. I wished I could have stayed inside you forever that night. It was only when I got back to the UK that I began to notice the things I had taken for granted in you. That awesome smile I keep referring to, the way you used to brush my hair away from my face when I rocked into you, how you hugged me like you’d never let me go, and how your fingers felt against my scalp when they tangled in my hair when you kissed me goodnight.”
Hearing the wonderful things, he had to say about how I’d affected him made me want that again. I had an urge to kiss him, instantly wishing I could reenact those memories and more. I stared longingly at his hands; strong hands, hands with fingers that had teased and pleasured me beyond anything I’d ever felt before, or since. Hands that now pleasured in a different way, entertaining tens of thousands at a time with his awesome talent on the guitar.
I rose to my feet, knowing I had to get out of there before I did something I’d never be able to get back from. “Sorry, I can’t do this, Gray, I should go. This is wrong. Thanks for setting the record straight, it helps to know that what we had wasn’t all one-sided.” Without looking back, I headed for the door. Gray didn’t move.
“You’ve got my number. I’m busy for the rest of the week, but back here at the weekend if you change your mind about talking some more,” he quietly informed me.
I pulled open the door and headed for the elevator without waiting for the door to close. Tears welled in my eyes because after only a couple of hours in his company again, I wanted him more than I had seven years before.