Chapter 33
Contemptable behavior ~ Gray
Years of angst, frustration and hate had collected inside me; the small boy I had been had wasted his prayers on bringing her back. It was blatantly clear her love was driven by her beliefs; beliefs so strong, she’d turn her back on the child she was supposed to love above all others. I was one small boy verses God. That part was sickening. I never stood a chance. In my eyes, what she had done was sin in itself.
In my head, there were a thousand or more scenarios from my past, all stored as ammunition had she ever turned up at our door. Years of disheartening disappointment when she never did, so I’d never had the opportunity to tell her how I felt about the way she’d behaved. All the tension and distress she left us to deal with when she chose to walk away from us would have meant little to her. Both my father and I blamed ourselves for her leaving. When she’d cried, it wasn’t for us. I believed it was for herself, not for the damage she’d wrought.
Staring in disbelief at the shell of the woman who had given birth to me, I was still having issues believing she was in the same room as me. It was strange. I’m not going to lie, but it helped that she had no apparent mothering instinct and wanted to hug me. I think I’d have made matters worse by shunning any physical contact. Words were easy, actions were what counted. She was so channeled into her vocation she had no idea what she had left in her wake.
We sat in that room for over three hours and during that time she had made no attempt to touch me. The way she spoke was as if she had completely rationalized everything that had happened to her and packaged up her contemptible behavior as justification for her actions. Shouting and screaming would have had little effect, nor would it have made any difference to the choices she’d made. In my opinion, she didn’t think like the rest of us.
There was no apparent remorse for much of what happened, and I sat staring blankly at her. Many thoughts had collected in my mind since I’d made the arrangement to meet her: how much alike we’d be, what she’d do when she saw me, what I would do when I saw her. In the end neither of us had done anything but talk. After she’d finished speaking I saw no point in asking to get to know her more.
Fears I had garnered about being like her, as if there were some weird innate genetics that made the both of us unable to connect with others, were dispelled right there in that room. I could never imagine walking away from my father, or ever turn my back on the people I loved. My fears of being abandoned were washed away with her tears because of the extremes of her religious beliefs.
I had no doubt in my mind that what she did, she felt was her vocation, and I was torn about accepting her explanation, but I felt I had to let it go otherwise it would have been yet another piece of baggage I’d drag behind me for the rest of my life. Before I met her that day, all the questions I had for her had swirled relentlessly in my mind. After three hours in her company none of them had mattered.
It was me who concluded the conversation by removing the beaded chain she gave me. I handed it back and told her I’d promised myself I’d wear it until she came back for me. I saw no need to keep it now that I’d seen her again and knew that was never going to happen. Reaching out she accepted it without comment or protest and stood to leave.
Like our initial meeting there was no spontaneous affection toward me. She wished me well, told me she was glad to have had the opportunity to tell her story, and walked away knowing very little of mine. This was our one chance to make things right between us, and in a way, she had. In my mind it would never be right, but I wasn’t going to lose sleep about being abandoned anymore.
She didn’t ask me anything about my life. Perhaps she felt she had no right to know. I really wasn’t interested in sharing anymore with her. When her driver opened the door for her, I didn’t watch her being driven away, instead I pulled out my phone and saw another text from Hettie.
Hettie: Stay calm she’s going to love you almost as much as I do.
I snickered because I had been hoping for a little more from my mother than there was, and texted my driver.
Me: Come get me, I’m done.
****
When I got to the airport I rang Hettie like I said I would.
“Hey, how did it go?” Her voice didn’t hide her worry.
“Good. I got an answer of sorts. I’m okay.”
“Good? It went well?” she pressed again.
“It went. I did what you asked and I know for certain how I feel about you. Be with me, Hettie. I don’t want us to wait another minute.”
“Really?” The smile in her voice was like a hug from afar.
“Really. Think about what I’ve said. We’ll talk when I get back.”
I filled her in on what my mother said and she was horrified that someone could have done what she did. Once I concluded the call with her, I called my dad, then Brody and talked over everything she said with them as well. My dad’s only comment was, “Now maybe you can understand how hard it was,” whereas Brody was livid. I cut the call with him because I didn’t want to listen to how angry he was for me. It was anger that was misplaced because since meeting her I’d got the closure I never believed I’d get.
****
Arriving back in New York after a long talk with my dad, I was surprised and delighted to see Hettie waiting with Brody inside my apartment. It blew me away she’d dropped everything and flown up to be with me. During my phone call with Brody I had argued that I was fine, but he was anxious to see for himself that I was okay.
It struck me that Brody and Hettie were both more concerned for my wellbeing than my own mother had been and a lump formed in my throat when I saw them making me emotional for the first time since my journey to see her. I cried, touched by their concern, but excused my tears away as being tired, saying long haul flights were exhausting.
“Gray.” Hettie ran toward me, wrapping her arms tightly around me. She hugged me hard, like she’d never let me go and I felt the love radiate through her into my bones. My heart swelled with need.
Breaking the embrace, I looked at her with tears in my eyes, pulled her back into me, and kissed her hungrily. A few seconds later I broke the kiss and held her at arm’s-length. “What are you doing here?”
“I was worried. I had to know if you were okay.”
I glanced at Brody, who winked, a smile stretched his lips. “I’m fine. See?” I told her. Stepping away I held my hands out for them both to look at me.
“Yeah, I know what you said, but when you love someone sometimes you just can’t stay away,” he replied. My heat squeezed with affection at his comment.
“You should be teaching in school,” I said to Hettie with a frown.
“I know. I’m sick today,” she said, offering a small fake cough with her hand over her mouth.
“You pulled a sickie for me?”
Hettie smirked, “Love makes us do crazy things,” she offered, and it made Brody chuckle.
“Well, on that note I’m gonna get back. I just wanted to know for myself you were okay.” Brody stood and swiped his car keys off the coffee table. “I’ll catch up with you tomorrow, Gray. Make sure you get plenty of sleep, rehearsals start Thursday.”
“Great, almost three days off, I’m stoked,” I answered with a smile.
“Bye, Hettie, lovely to meet you. This guy has been hung up on you forever. I was beginning to think I was competing with an imaginary friend,” he told her.
Hettie grinned widely. “Good to know, and great to meet you as well,” she replied. I saw her face tint pink with Brody’s admission.
Once he had left us alone, Hettie yawned and covered her mouth with her hand. “Excuse me. I got the 5:30 am red-eye here this morning. Brody picked me up from the airport. Your PA passed on my number and he called me. I couldn’t stay home knowing you were on your way back.”
We sat down across from one another and I took her hands in mine. They felt warm. Her eyes shone with affection even though she was tired. “You should have been at work today. Instead you’ve not only tracked me down, you’ve traveled over twelve hundred miles to see me at the butt crack of dawn. I can’t tell you what that means to me, baby.”
“Why, is it a secret?” she teased.
“You know what I mean. It means a lot you came up here to be with me like this after the cold reception I had with my mother. I never thought I’d be happy I wasn’t brought up by her. For over twenty years I imagined what it would be like to see her again. Never did I think it would be the way it was when I finally did.”
Hettie leaned over and gently brushed my hair away from my brow with her soft fingertips, a small smile on her face that morphed into a frown. “I’m sorry I made you go through that. I know you told me everything that happened, but I have to say that she has no idea what she’s missing. You’re a good man, Gray, despite being a rock star.”
“No, you were right, I had to do it. I’m glad I did. Everything makes more sense now I’ve seen her through adult eyes.”
She smiled. “You just had some fucked-up things to deal with in life. And after what you told me, I relate better to how you think about Phoebe.”
“What does she have to do with anything?” I asked, feeling annoyed she’d added her to my already fragile emotions.
“She cared about you when you felt no one else did. I get that you’re loyal to people. I get that you can’t make someone love you, and I get that you can be friends and lovers but not be in love.”
“I’ve never been in love with Phoebe, Hettie. Never. I’m only in love with you. I’ve only ever been in love with you. Back in college, I guess I just wasn’t ready to love you the right way.”
“And now?”
“Now there’s no room for doubt. You make me feel incredible things. You make my chest tighten in one way when I see you, and in a completely different way when I don’t. I miss everything about you when we’re not together: your face, your smile, your touch, your smell. My heart swells in my chest when I see you and shrinks the second you’re gone. I know I won’t be able to spend much time away from you now. I’m not sure how we’re going to work this out, but you are more important to me than anything else in life. Did I mention I love you?”
Hettie’s face beamed with delight, her face a picture of joy, and her eyes filled with adoration. My heart squeezed with pleasure just from the way she looked at me and from holding her hands.
“Have you any idea how long I have waited for those words?” She grinned and tears welled in her eyes.
“I’m sorry, baby,” was all I could offer.
“You look exhausted,” she said, brushing her tears from her cheeks.
“You look gorgeous,” I countered.
“Can we nap?” she asked, her eyes searching my face.
“After all those years, we’re finally doing this, and you want to nap?”
“Yeah, I do. I don’t want this to be a strip down, knock out fuck session between us, Gray. If we’re going to work this out I want to take it slowly this time. Do things properly.”
Can’t say I wasn’t disappointed because as tired as I was, I’d have given my all to have her in my bed, but I understood her caution.
“I want you in my bed at the very least. We can take that nap you want.”
“Sure. I’ll be keeping my clothes on though,” she informed me with a wink.
“Damn, you were better fun in college, baby,” I teased.
“I’m not fun anymore. I’m the serious woman who doesn’t get fucked and left by text these days,” she said, reminding me yet again of my horrible exit.
“Am I ever going to be forgiven for that?”
“Depends how hard you try with me from now on.”
“Oh I’ll definitely be hard…I mean trying hard in you…I mean with you from here on out.”
“It’s no joking matter, Gray,” she scowled.
“Who’s joking?” I asked then saw she didn’t appreciate my sense of humor. “Sorry, you’re right. I will do everything I’m capable of to show you what you mean to me.” I said, truthfully.
“Well, can we start with that nap? I’m excited to be here with you and I want to enjoy it, but I’m dead on my feet.”
“Sure, let me show you to my bedroom,” I offered, and pulled her to her feet. In normal circumstances, I’d have been all over her maybe trying to persuade her into a different outcome, but I was exhausted as well. I’d flown five hours forward, spent half a day leaving the airport and traveled to the cottage to meet my mother. Afterwards I’d hit the ground running for the last flight back from the UK to New York. It was still only a little after lunch, but I’d been on the go for over twenty-four hours.
After discarding my jacket, I pulled my T-shirt over my head, put my hand on my belt then thought twice about removing my jeans. “Is it okay if I…” Nodding at my jeans to Hettie I saw her eyes flick to my groin then back to my face.
“Yeah, but don’t poke it at me,” she grinned. I had gone commando and wasn’t worried about letting her see me. I just didn’t want her to think I was going to hump her right then and there.
As I began to unbuckle my belt she toed off her shoes and climbed onto the mattress. “Plush bed,” she remarked, curling onto her side, facing away from me.
“You bet. You know how often we have to sleep on a four-inch mattress on a cabin bunk?”
“Ouch, I bet that hurts after a few days.”
“I’m not going to confirm that, not when I want you with me.” I answered as I lifted the comforter and slid under it. “Are you not gonna come under the cover and snuggle up?”
“Nope, tired as I am, I don’t trust myself not to jump you,” she said, snickering.
“Well, that’s supposing I’d let you jump me, and I’m tired…I may well resist.”
“Gray, if I don’t trust myself I’m definitely not trusting you,” she warned, but her voice had a hint of humor.
“All right, well can you just come a bit closer so I can smell your hair at least?”
“Freak,” she teased, edging her way nearer. Lifting my arm from under the cover I wrapped it around her waist and dragged her closer. Inhaling deeply, the same awesome scent I’d remembered about her filled my nostrils. At first when I held her my heart pounded with excitement but after a couple of minutes her warmth settled me. I felt so relaxed. I tucked my fingers under her body to keep her in place. Tiredness then washed over me and couldn’t keep my eyes open and I drifted off to sleep.