Chapter 17
Toast ~ Gray
Curled up on the sofa with butter dripping from a large piece of toast, Phoebe looked almost at home, just as she had when she’d stayed over with me during the early days after Lizzie had died. It had been over a year and a half since she’d passed, and mentally, I was in a whole other place to where I had been the last time I saw Phoebe.
“CraVed have done well,” she mumbled around her snack.
“Yeah, we have. It’s been hard work…tiring, you know?” She nodded slowly, looking a little preoccupied, like she was considering my answer.
“How is New York? Do you still enjoy living there?”
“It’s just a place like any other. We’re still based there most of the time, but I don’t get much time to just hang there. America, Canada, Rio, Mexico, and Australia have been the focus countries this past year.
Phoebe stared at her toast as an uneasy silence fell between us.
“You?”
“Oh, nothing exciting here. I went to France and saw the ski season out, had a complete time out from the music scene…and men. When I came back I visited the old haunts I’d hung out at before I went to New York with Dana, but all the fangirls I came into contact with were bitches. They gave me a pretty tough time; I guess that was my own fault for being with you…that’s the power of the media for you,” she added.
“They read about us in the US and held it against you here?” She nodded and took another bite of her toast, “So I decided to dip out of life for a while to try my hand at doing what made me happy,” she said then chewed the toast she held in her mouth.
“Painting?”
She swallowed, “Yeah, I took a couple of classes in watercolors while in France—the Dordogne actually—and met a guy there. He was also taking some downtime from his day job. We got talking and it turned out he was a freelance photographer. His job was to take stills during video shoots for music videos, movies, and such…continuity stuff for the directors. He invited me to spend the day with him when we got back to London.”
“Don’t tell me the band the director was working with was Vanderlight and that’s how you met Harry?”
Phoebe looked at the floor, clearly embarrassed about his treatment of her. “You guessed it. He saw me and suggested they hire me as eye candy in one of the scenes. After the shoot was finished he invited me along to Glastonbury for the ride. You know me, free spirited soul that I am. I figured it would be great to spend a weekend listening to good music and hanging around some cool people. Only it didn’t turn out that way. You know the rest.”
“You’ve only just met?”
“Last Thursday.” I don’t know why, but I was relieved when she told me that. It bothered me that she’d been around him at all. She deserved so much more than a disrespectful freak like him. My thoughts about that created another extended silence between us. Glancing up after a minute I saw her shift uncomfortably before she hugged her knees to her chest.
Struggling to keep eye contact, she looked down and I watched her unguardedly for a moment. There was no doubt about it; no one could ignore how Phoebe looked. She was all woman: curvy, but slim, soft flowing lines and elegant in her movements. She had manners and poise, and it had always bothered me that she slept around, even though I had taken advantage of that fact.
There was no doubt in my mind I had been drawn to Phoebe since the first time I saw her. I was drawn every time I saw her, and I did care about her. I was happy I’d taken her out of the situation with Harry, happy she’d decided to come home with me. Since we’d arrived at my apartment my shoulders had felt relaxed, my heart lighter. She’d been all I had thought about since I’d seen her backstage at the festival.
Suddenly, she looked up and caught me staring intensely. “Please…don’t look at me like that,” she said, in a voice that was almost a whisper.
Her long, silky hair had dried in curls and I realized in all the time I’d known her I’d never seen her looking that way before that day. She had always dried and straightened it with flattening irons, made herself look immaculate around me. Yet, the no make-up and wild, curly, blonde-haired version of her was strikingly more beautiful, appealing, and vulnerable looking.
A thin strand of her golden locks had worked loose of the braid, falling across one eye. I reached out and took it between my forefinger and thumb and tucked it back into the woven hair leading into the braid. The glance she gave me told me I had taken a liberty.
“How am I looking at you?” I asked. I figured she’d say something that would tell me the answers to the questions I hadn’t even thought to ask.
“Like you want to strip me bare right here on the sofa.”
At first I was going to deny my attraction for her. It would be hard not to be attracted to someone as beautiful. Sometimes women can be beautiful and you just can’t help yourself from looking. Phoebe was one of those girls but she also had real sex appeal. Magnetic sex appeal. I couldn’t deny that.
“Pheebs, I’m not going to say I’m not attracted to you in that way. I’d have to be dead from the waist down not to be. My dick wants to fuck you, but it’s the last thing on my mind. My instinct was to take care of you, and that’s something I’ve never felt for a girl before.”
Her hand patted her hair as she turned her head toward me then she leaned on her knee with her elbow, her hand supporting her head.
“Not even Hettie? Where is she?”
“That was a nonstarter. Same old issues as there were back in college.”
“So…” She started and shrugged as she stared me out.
“So, nothing. I threw myself into my music, got my head straight, and I’m doing okay on my own now.” Hettie was still in my head from time to time. No matter how hard I had tried to forget her, there was always something there at the back of my mind to remind me, but thinking about her and being with her were two different things. I’d convinced myself I had let it go.
Staring speculatively in my direction, I could see her thinking, her eyes narrowed then roamed over me.
“You seem…different.”
“Different how?”
“I want to say grown-up, but that would be insulting. You have a calm aura around you.”
“Maybe I’m just tired.”
“Yeah, we should go to bed it’s 4.15 am,” she suggested, checking the diamond encrusted Rolex on her slender wrist while unfolding her lower legs to place her feet on the floor.
Rising from the sofa at the same time as me she stretched her arms above her head. Even though I knew her action wasn’t designed to get my attention, it had anyway. I clenched my hands by my sides because I had such an overwhelming urge to step closer and pull her body against mine. Taking a step back, I made some distance then turned to walk away in the direction of my room.
“Guest bedroom is all ready, sweetheart, you know where it is. And Phoebe, you are welcome to stay as long as you like.” Without waiting for her to respond, I left her to switch off the light in the living room and headed to bed. I took a quick shower. I had changed my clothing but I hadn’t had time to shower since I’d performed. When I fell into bed I was both mentally and physically exhausted, drained from all the drama of the day.
****
Startled by an instant waft of cold air, my snug, warm bed was disrupted by the unexpected movement when my mattress sunk under the weight of Phoebe slipping under the heavy duvet. My heart raced from its resting pace, part in excitement, part in fright from the sudden disruption.
A stone-cold knee made fleeting contact with my abs, sending an electrical charge through me as her naked, cool body turned over and nestled alongside mine. She snuggled into a spooning position with me behind her but my arms lay stiff, one on my hip, one under my pillow as I lay on my side. Her ass brushed against my bare cock and I felt it immediately spring to life. I was wide awake within seconds.
My arms screamed for permission to wrap around her beautiful form while my head fought desperately to deny them the pleasure. Every fiber in my being craved her when her familiar scent invaded my headspace.
Pleasant erotic memories flooded my mind of how soft she felt, how her flesh felt when my fingertips had clung to her, how tightly her pussy squeezed my dick when she came. I remembered her lips, soft and plump brushing down my abs, taking my mouth or around my cock while those huge, brown eyes stared up in adoration from a position on her knees. Fuck.
Every second I lay next to her I felt my resolve crumbling. I rolled away and eased out of the bed, headed for the bathroom and sat on the toilet seat waiting for the longing to pass. I was determined not to let my hunger for her control what happened next. For a while I wasn’t sure that I’d be able to quash my desires if I climbed back into bed.
The sad thing was, I knew if I wanted to fuck her she’d have let me. The girl had earned my respect by walking away in Miami, she had been right to do that. If I were her I’d have stayed well clear of someone like me. I wasn’t going to fall into my old ways just to satisfy my own cravings. Our relationship had gone past what I had with the other girls I’d met. We were friends and friends didn’t use each other. It had taken me a while to understand that.
After giving myself a pep talk in my head, I took a leak, freshened up, and slipped back into bed. I tried not to disturb her and carefully faced away from her. I stared out into the dark with a heavy heart. Things used to be so easy between us until we fucked that up; her by falling in love with me and me with my thoughtless behavior.
Holding Phoebe used to make me feel good. She had made things feel right in my world when I had been a fucked-up mess. I ached, wishing I could have turned back the clock, craving that comfort. Adjusting myself on my side for the hundredth time since I went back to bed, I recognized how restless I was for the woman lying beside me. Fighting the deprivation exhausted me but I eventually fell asleep.
****
Waking up, I was conscious of Phoebe lying next to me. Her mouth was mere inches from mine, her warm breath ghosting over my face. With my eyes still closed I knew she was still asleep because of the depth of her breathing so I half opened them to look at her.
Peaceful and angelic, her dark eyelashes—despite her blonde hair—fanned from her eyelids and her cherry red lips were slightly parted. My heart squeezed; I felt strangely at peace even though she was lying beside me. When she closed her mouth, I knew she was only moments from waking, her eyes moving rapidly under her eyelids like she was watching some dream play out. I closed my eyes again concentrating on her breathing, each breath reaching my face every few seconds until I heard it hitch.
It was probably a shitty thing to make her think I was still asleep, but Phoebe was the one who crawled into my bed during the night, so I thought there must be a plan for her being there. And I wanted to give her the opportunity to get out again without causing her any embarrassment.
I felt her move and seconds later her soft fingertip lightly stroked my nose, then my lips. My heart faltered and mouth tickled from the sensation and I opened my eyes. Her eyes looked startled, yet she was the one calling the shots. Pulling her hand away she looked sheepish and lowered her eyes to my chest.
“Sorry. I couldn’t sleep. It was cold in there.”
“Maybe if you’d put the pants and T-shirt back on instead of climbing into my bed it would have helped.” My gravelly tone made me sound frustrated. I was frustrated. Lying beside a beautiful woman I’d been inside so many times wasn’t the most conducive way to get rid of morning wood. I’d heard of muscle memory before and how it’s possible to build muscle quickly again once it has been toned, but I’d never heard of dick muscle memory. Does my cock count as a muscle?
“I’m really sorry,” she offered again. Her voice sounded hurt. Instinctively, I reached over and pulled her into a hug. My only thought being to comfort her. Sliding her hand around my waist she pulled me closer and it really fucked with my resolve to keep things friendly. I was aware I had tensed and before I could say anything, Phoebe apologized again, and tried to scoot away. I grabbed her tight and held her in place.
“Stop. Stop fucking apologizing. Truth of the matter is I want you here. I just don’t know if my will is strong enough to keep things platonic between us.”
Phoebe gave me a tiny nod in agreement and I knew right away she felt the same.
“I know you don’t want me like that. It was wrong to get into bed beside you, but I was cold to my bones after hanging around in the rain all day…and then I thought of you lying here in this big, comfortable bed. Your warm body snuggling under this luxury duvet was all it had taken for me to get out of your spare bed and into this one.”
“It’s not that I don’t want you, it’s…” I huffed in frustration because when I held her warm body, with her sweet smell filling my nostrils I struggled not to give in to the lust building inside me. But I was determined to keep the promise I’d made to myself not to fall back to my old ways with her.
“It’s okay, sweetheart,” I said reassuring her. “It’s definitely put us in an icebreaking situation. We’ve been behaving a little awkward around each other, huh?”
Looking up into my eyes, her soulful, intense gaze pulled at my heartstrings.
“Yeah, things used to be great between us, easy. It’s different now. We’re different. Like we’re both holding back.” Phoebe’s assessment hit the nail squarely on the head.
“Are we?” I asked, trying to gauge what was going through her head and admitting I wasn’t sure myself. It was almost a confirmation I was still physically attracted to her.
“I’d say so. We’re lying in bed together, me in your arms and yet it feels like there’s a big chunk of barbed wire between us.” I felt sad at her analogy and I’d created the barrier between us. A stony silence ensued while I mulled over her words. In all the time I had been away from her, she’d crept into my thoughts periodically. I knew very little about Phoebe, too selfish about my own needs and I wanted to put that right. I really wanted to know her better.
Despite spending so much of my time with her in the past, she had only spoken of her life when I asked direct questions of her. I felt ashamed about that. Suddenly, I wanted to know more. Moving her hand out from under the duvet, she placed it against my cheek, and rubbed her thumb back and forth across my cheekbone. “You are so handsome, it’s criminal,” she said with a smile.
“You’re not exactly a testosterone filled, ugly female athlete yourself,” I teased.
“Aww, I always wanted to be a shot-putter when I grew up,” she answered, pretending to be disappointed with my comment, and gave me a pouted lip. I glanced down at it and wanted to bite it. God, this is so difficult.
“Don’t worry you could always take a shot at rhythmic gymnastics, you’re pretty incredible with balls,” I replied chuckling, and she swatted my head. I couldn’t help being inappropriate, it had been the first thing that came into my head, and the first really spontaneous comment I’d made since we’d seen each other again.
I grabbed her wrist because she continued to swipe playfully at my head. She stopped moving and I let her go again because the look in her eyes looked like she may kiss me. Phoebe immediately took advantage by tweaking the skin on my pecs. Twisting it between her two fingers on each hand she made me yelp in pain.
I caught both of her wrists again, both of us wrestling, laughing, vying for the upper hand, until I rolled her on her back, leaned over her, and pinned both hands to the pillow above her head. I had expected her to surrender at that point and was surprised when she let her arms go slack. However, she’d fooled me into a false sense of security and changed her position.
Phoebe quickly reached up and pulled my neck toward her. She overstepped and bit it, sending unwelcomed shivers of delight through my body from my neck to my dick, making me instantly hard. When I looked down at her chest I noticed her nipples were hard and her breathing was ragged. My heart pounded with desire and lust, as my head fought for control over my weakening resolve. My conscience told me to back off, but I couldn’t. Not with the look she gave me, her huge, blue orbs staring up at me with take me written all over them.