Chapter 12
Third degree ~ Gray.
Spending the day touring radio stations was pretty exhausting. Trying to keep a smile plastered on my face while I thought of Phoebe flying home alone wasn’t the easiest of tasks. When she’d left, she had hugged me like it was the last time we would see each other. Maybe it was. Having ten minutes alone after she’d gone that morning had given me ten minutes more to miss her, before the guys rocked up in a white minibus with blacked out windows.
Sliding the door back, I knew instantly Brody had read my mood when he flashed me a cheesy grin and laughed. “Damn, you look like a guy who hasn’t been laid.”
“What the fuck do they look like?” I asked, averting my gaze as I crouched inside the van, and took a seat in the back. I tried hard not to let him know how near the mark he was.
“Sour face, walks like he’s got blue balls and a hard-on that won’t deflate. Where’s Phoebe?”
“Gone home,” I muttered. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew I was in for the third degree.
“Somebody die? Damn, sorry, Gray. Bad choice of words…”
“Nah, I just wanted a change of scene, that’s all.”
“Well, hell, I thought she had promise the way she looked at you.” I knew Brody was disappointed.
“What do you mean? How she looked at me?”
“Like she wanted to have your babies.”
“Fuck, Brody, every woman looks at Gray like that,” Caleb interjected.
“So, what’s the change of scene?” Brody asked.
“I met up with a chick I went to college with, that’s all. I’m probably gonna spend the weekend with her. No point in Phoebe hanging around if I’m gonna be busy,” I lied, but I lived in hope Hettie would at least let me take her to dinner.
“True,” Caleb replied. “This chick got a sister?”
“She does, but you’re not her type.”
“How the fuck would you know?”
“I know her. She’d never be seen with a weedy guy like you, her type are all muscle and brawn. Besides, she’s two years older than me and probably married. She was a mature student as far as I remember.”
“I have no objections to fucking married women,” Caleb said without an ounce of shame.
“Yeah, well you go near my woman and I’ll fuck you back, Caleb. Your sorry ass won’t be fit for anything but shitting bricks afterward,” Brody warned.
I couldn’t help chuckling because Caleb shuddered in his seat and shook his head. “Dude, that’s a fucking nightmare image you just installed in my brain. Can’t imagine anything worse than your huge, hairy balls slapping against my ass cheeks.”
“Shut up, fucker. My balls get pruned regularly. Nothing hairy about them since I was about eighteen.”
“Too much information for Christ’s sake. I don’t want to talk about this anymore it’s making me queasy,” Brody snapped.
“Nah, I think that’s driving on the other side of the road that’s doing that. I still can’t get used to it. It makes me feel like we’re gonna crash any minute.” Surge, our bass guitarist, offered in all seriousness.
The banter continued all the way to the first radio station and we fell quiet as we pulled up outside. It was amazing seeing the transformation in the guys from the moment we stepped off the minibus. Professional and courteous with that roguish rock star behavior that was to be expected of us.
Some of the interviews reminded me of the early days when we were starting out. I had to draw on my patience to answer some the things we’d been asked thousands of times before as we were newbies on this continent.
Six radio stations, a press conference, and a two hour photoshoot later, I became pissed off. The schedule had been so tight we’d had no time to eat. I’d been hungry for hours and the most I had eaten was a soggy egg and mayonnaise sandwich which I’d washed down with a lukewarm bottle of water.
By the time we’d called it a day, all we were capable of was crashing out in my suite and ordering room service. Caleb sat on the floor at my feet, leaning against the sofa with a big wedge of pizza. I’d ordered a proper steak dinner and noticed I was the only one not eating junk food.
“Can I ask a question?” Caleb asked me.
“Sure.”
“If you’re done with Phoebe, can I have her back?” I couldn’t believe his gall.
“What?” My blood instantly boiled at his question.
“If you’re—”
“I fucking heard what you said. I’m just stunned you’d even ask that.”
Caleb studied my face. “Sorry, I don’t know what you mean.”
“Seriously?” My eyebrows were in my hairline as I stared in disbelief.
“Is that a yes?”
Placing my plate to the side on the empty seat, I stood and stepped over his legs. Spinning to face him I towered over him.
“Do you really not know what I mean? Are you really asking if you can have my seconds?”
“Well technically, she was my seconds, I fucked her fir—”
Grabbing him up off the floor I dragged him to the door, the piece of pizza he had been talking around was spewing from his mouth as he mumbled in protest. I opened the room door and shoved him out on his ass into the corridor. The way I felt, he was incredibly fortunate I didn’t beat the shit out of him.
“Get the fuck away from me now. Go on, get the fuck up and piss off. You should be fucking ashamed of yourself,” I shouted loudly. A guy opened his suite door and poked his head out. I stared him down and he retreated back inside, closing his door. I stared down at Caleb again and shook my head thinking he wasn’t worth it. Stepping back inside my room, I left him staring up at me speechless with the piece of squashed pizza still in his fist as I slammed the door shut.
“Aren’t you being a bit sensitive, Gray? He only asked you a question,” Brody smirked.
“No, he spoke about Pheebs like she was a piece of meat. I won’t have anyone talk about her like that, especially not that fucking runt.”
“Seems to me like there’s more going on with Phoebe than we realized.”
“Don’t push me, Brody. There’s nothing going on between me and her. I’m not even fucking her anymore. But that doesn’t mean I can’t protect her from assholes like Caleb.”
“Damn, we’re both fixated with his asshole today,” Brody joked, trying to lighten my mood. “Sit and eat, you’re hypoglycemic, it’s affecting your mojo.”
Doing as he said, I sat back on the couch and tried to calm my temper, but before my heart rate had even recovered to normal Caleb knocked on the hotel suite door again. “Is he for real?” I asked, staring at Brody as my chest tightened in frustration.
“Leave him to me. I’ll get rid of him, but you need to calm the fuck down,” Brody advised, waving his hands palm down in front of him to placate me as he made his way to the door.
Whatever Caleb said was inaudible, but I heard Brody reply in a patronizing tone, “Because you were being a fucktard.”
Caleb continued to argue with him inaudibly until Brody said, “Stay there.” He closed the door and wandered over, picked Caleb’s pizza off the floor and smirked before he turned and headed back to open the door. “Here, don’t choke on it.”
Another protest from Caleb as Brody started to close the door wasn’t missed. “Well maybe Gray has more feelings for Phoebe than any of us realized. He either wants her or he doesn’t.”
Brody shut the door tightly, turned and his eyes met mine. He winced and scrunched up his nose like I wasn’t supposed to hear that part. “Sorry man, he gets on my tits. The fucker just doesn’t know when to leave the subject alone.” I nodded like it didn’t matter and continued to cut my steak.
“I like Phoebe, she’s a good girl. She’s not like the others.”
“So why did you send her home?” Brody sounded exasperated.
“Because I don’t see her the way you see Dana.”
“How the fuck would you know how I see Dana?”
“You look at her like you want to eat her. You look at her like you can’t see past her.”
“I like Phoebe a lot but I’ve never felt like I could spend the rest of my life with her.”
Brody nodded. “She doesn’t hit the spot?”
“I don’t even know where my spot is, man.”
“Then she doesn’t. Pity, I thought she had a lot of potential.”
“Potential?”
“Yeah, she was really into you. Always patient and relaxed, even when you were having bad days after Lizzie. You were hard to be around, but Phoebe seemed to have a calming effect. She got you through some tough times.”
“She did. I’ll always be grateful to her for that.”
“Grateful…can you hear yourself? You don’t fucking deserve a girl like her with that attitude.”
“What am I supposed to say?”
“She’s an awesome girl, fabulous, fucking amazing. Not that you’re grateful.”
“She is awesome. Too good to be around me.”
“And what is it you think you deserve?”
“I dunno. Maybe I’ll never be with anyone long-term. I tried that and it wasn’t working with Lizzie. Did you know she’d called time on us right before she had her aneurysm?”
“You told me when you were drunk one night. You blamed yourself for what happened. You can’t take the fall for someone having a catastrophic brain hemorrhage. It would have happened regardless. You never really committed to Lizzie anyway. It wasn’t a match made in heaven.”
Brody poured himself a half glass of whiskey and sat back down on the chair to the right of me. “Tell me about Hettie, again. She’s gone around in your mind since you came back to the UK after college. When I think back it’s the only time I’ve ever thought you showed any signs of love sickness after a breakup.”
“We didn’t break up, we were never together. What we had was physical. She wasn’t a girlfriend or anything.”
“Could have fooled me from the way you moped around and lay on your bed playing “You and Me” by Lifehouse on a loop.”
I still thought of Hettie every time I heard that song because she always had it playing in her room when we made out.
“After all this time, she’s the only girl that still gets a mention from you. When we spoke in New York, you said you were thinking about her. Are you sure it isn’t just nostalgia?”
“Funny you should say that, I thought the same thing. Ever since I met her I knew I had feelings for her and they were there as soon as I saw her again.”
“What feelings?”
“I dunno. Not ones I can put into words.”
“And what about her?”
“Complicated. Me with my music and her life is here. She was in a long-term relationship and as soon as I showed up she left her guy.”
“Because of you?”
“She says not.”
“Then you need to tread carefully, my friend. Last thing you need is someone falling out of the frying pan and into the fire.”
“Agreed, but I asked her to meet me on Friday. I didn’t like the way we left it the other day.”
“And?”
“She’s thinking about it.”
“Good. I like her already because she isn’t impressed by what you do and she isn’t just running to drop her drawers for you like most others would.”
I snickered at his comment. “There are some major fuck ups I have to put right, both with her and with Phoebe.”
“Like?”
“I called Phoebe to book another hotel suite for us because she was sharing mine.” Brody winced and screwed his eyes tightly shut.
“Yeah, I had no idea how she felt, but I wasn’t being a sleaze. I didn’t want the room to fuck Hettie. She was upset in the diner. I wanted her to talk about it but I had nowhere private to take her. I could hardly ask Phoebe to make herself scarce and take her back there.”
“So what happened?”
“It was a mess. I’d already asked her to dinner and she’d declined. She was meeting with her boyfriend. I couldn’t put my finger on it but the vibe I got was she was upset with him. So like a dick I pushed when I shouldn’t have and asked some pretty blunt questions of her. Hettie rightly got pissed because who was I to ask those things in the first place, and she left. From how we left it I figured we were done.”
“I can see why you pissed both women off. You’re a fuck-up where women are concerned.”
I smirked, “Anyway, it gets worse. I went back and found Phoebe, then took her dancing. I was on a downer and I wanted to get drunk. Someone up there must hate me because the club we went to just happened to be the same place as Hettie went with her boyfriend. She and Phoebe met in the restroom. I don’t know how, but they got talking. Next thing I knew Phoebe told me she saw Hettie in the same fucking nightclub. What the hell are the chances of that? You know how many people there are in Miami for Christ’s sake?”
“Well, shit. And I thought you were the smooth rider amongst us. Turns out you’re just as fucked up as the rest of us.”
“That’s been said before I believe.”
Brody snickered again, “It’ll all come out in the wash, bro. You just need to let it all play out and eventually you’ll be right where you are supposed to be.”
“You think? Where relationships with women are concerned, if I fell into a barrel of tits I’d come out sucking my thumb,” I said, chuckling.
“Nah, you’ve always been the same, totally non-committal. One day you’ll meet the right one. Trust in your gut. It’ll tell you.”
Brody stood and shook the crumbs from his lap from a pastry he’d been eating alongside his whiskey. He grinned at the mess on the floor. “All right, now I’ve done my agony uncle routine I’m off to fuck Dana, get my stress from the day out.” He nodded his head in the direction of the door to signal to Surge they should leave. I’d almost forgotten he was there. He was tired, and intermittently dozing after stuffing himself with pizza. Surge stood lazily, and headed for the door taking his prompt.
I shook my head and smirked, feeling a little annoyed Brody appeared so together and was getting laid when I wasn’t. “Dana and I sleep in the same bed, Gray. You think my dick doesn’t know that? It won’t leave me alone until it gets a good thrashing. Get some sleep, we got a long day ahead tomorrow, and for fuck’s sake order a bigger lunch to go. I’m not going another day where I have to play referee between you and the horny little shit you kicked out earlier.”
Opening the door, he asked, “What are you still doing here? He’s serious, man. You’re not going back in there tonight. Get the fuck up on your feet and go back to your own room.” Surge followed Brody into the hallway and the door slammed behind them. Instantly the room fell silent.
After picking up the empty plates and pizza boxes, I placed them on the side, and stripped out of my clothes. I took a leak, brushed my teeth and slipped into bed. Switching the light off, I rolled onto my back and tried to focus as my eyes adjusted in the darkness. I lay there with the feeling something or someone was missing. I sighed deeply, spreading my arm over the empty space where Phoebe had once laid. I was too tired to think for very long except to mull over what Brody had said. Before I’d arrived at any firm conclusion about Phoebe or Hettie I fell asleep.
****
The hotel phone buzzed with my wake-up call, dragging me out from a deep sleep. Fuck. It was seven in the morning and it felt like the dead of night. It looked that way too when I pulled the blackout curtains back and looked out of the hotel room window. I knew our bus was collecting us at 8:00 am. Ordering some eggs, bacon and toast, I quickly hit the shower so I’d be ready by the time my food arrived. My timing was as good at getting ready, as at my guitar playing, because my food arrived at the door as I was doing up my zipper. I grabbed my cell from the charger and saw a message from Phoebe.
Pheebs: Just landed. Thanks for everything.
Without thinking I typed anytime then deleted it. That wasn’t true or she’d still be here.
Me: It’s me that should be thanking you. You are an awesome person.
It looked cold even though I was thanking her and admitting she was awesome. I wondered if she thought, ‘if I am all those things why am I not still there?’ Why the fuck am I even thinking about her in those terms? “Sort your fucking head out, Gray,” I mumbled to myself as I stuffed my phone in my pocket, and slumped down in front of my food. After I ate, I left the room for our daily promotion appointments.
Somehow thoughts of Phoebe were lost during the rest of that week. One band promotion rolled into another and I had little to no energy. We were playing live on TV, jumping straight into the van, then an hour later we were interviewed at some hick radio station. After that it was playing at shopping malls, and doing photo opportunities. By the time Friday came around my jaw was aching from smiling so much and I was pissed off, restless, and horny.
My irritability came from Hettie’s silence and by the Thursday I was pissed off all over again with how I’d handled her, and I wondered if she’d even call me at all. Despite all my frustrations it was the break from women I needed. It was after lunchtime that day when her text arrived.
Hettie: JoeJoe’s 6pm?
Me: Sure.
The instant I saw her text my mood lifted. Tension in my shoulders I’d been carrying dissipated. I didn’t realize how much stress waiting had made me feel until it wasn’t there anymore. After her text the rest of the afternoon appeared to drag on, although I was thankful for that as I tried to think of what I’d say to her to change things between us. I had little expectations for our dinner, but thought if we managed to capture some of the effortless conversation we used to have, it would be a start.
Entering the diner, I felt her watching me before I even turned in the direction of the booth. She was in our booth again, I noted. Walking casually with my hands in my pockets, I smiled easily and slid into the seat opposite her.
“Hey,” I said greeting her and reached out, squeezing the hand she’d left resting on the table.
“Hey, to you too,” she mimicked and gave me a tight, unsure smile.
“You look beautiful,” I said, smiling back at her.
“You too,” she replied.
I smirked, exhaling sharply, not knowing how to answer that without sounding sleazy or cheesy.
“Are you happy to stay here or do you want to go somewhere else for dinner?”
“Food was excellent here before. Any reason why that should have changed?
“Well, it’s been a while since I had a really great burger.”
“Me too,” she agreed.
We ordered our food and she casually filled me in on all the drama from the day she left her apartment to live with her sister. It sounded like she had left her boyfriend for the right reasons which were nothing to do with me. Glancing at me as she finished, she quickly added she wasn’t looking for anything with me. Her face flushed when she said it because prior to her statement she’d been checking me out at every opportunity. I could tell she still wanted me. I could feel it. The air was almost crackling with electricity between us, yet somehow, I managed to ignore it and keep talking.
“Do you have plans tomorrow?” I wondered what we’d do if she said yes.
“That depends on what you have in mind,” she replied, sounding like she was playing hard to get.
I said the first thing that entered my head. “A lazy morning on the beach and maybe drinks in the evening?”
“I meant longer term, Gray. I’m not twenty-three anymore. I’m not into casual flings like I used to be. I said I wasn’t looking for anything, which is true. I’m not. I’m looking for something. We’re not college kids now. Do you think I want to go back to that? To meaningless arrangements to satisfy a physical need when I’m at an age where I deserve more. If I just wanted to fuck someone I had Harris for that. I’ve just walked away from him because I need more. I’ve been debating all week whether to come to dinner or not. Nothing has changed between us apart from the fact we’re older.”
I stared her down in an awkward silence. Slightly stunned by the heavy vibe. Hettie’s demanding tone, and pressing question made me freeze. I still had nothing more to give. We were the same as before, except this time, I had to tell her face-to-face, that although I liked her a lot, and wanted to stay at that table with her forever, I couldn’t. Even after all this time, and everything I felt for her, I knew I’d never wanted her more, but I wasn’t sure if I could jump into something I couldn’t jump out of if it didn’t work.
When she suddenly put that kind of pressure on what I could offer, it left me confused. I hadn’t considered a long-term relationship that I could commit to with anyone when I looked her up. What did I think would happen? The thought that I didn’t even know my own mind scared the hell out of me. Hettie’s life hadn’t turned out the way she wanted, but I wasn’t ready to pick up where her partner, Harris, left off. And she shouldn’t want me to. I’d always felt I wanted to see her again, but had no idea what I felt for her. All I knew was my heart squeezed hard every time I saw her, and ached when I left. When I was unable to define what that meant, it made me freak.
“Hettie, I’m sorry, this was a mistake. I should have left well alone. I’m not able to offer more. If anything my life is even messier since my college days. I’m here now and who knows where I’ll be in the future? I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel unsettled. I shouldn’t have behaved like a dick and raked up the past.”
“So that’s it? Just like last time? You slide in and slide out again, if you’ll excuse the analogy. You’re right, Gray, you are a dick. Nothing about you has changed. You’re still as selfish as you were back then. I guess this exercise has been worthwhile in a way, at least we both know for sure it would never have worked.” My heart stung with those words but I figured she was right, but when I heard how resigned she sounded my stomach felt heavy. I didn’t want this to be the end of what we had, but I had to be guided by her feelings because I had no idea what mine meant.
Signaling the waitress for the check, Hettie reached into her purse and from her action it was clear our night was over, but I was damned if I was allowing her to pay for her food.
“Don’t. Just because we’re not together doesn’t mean we can’t be civil with one another, does it?” I reasoned, staring her down to let her know I cared about her; that what happened between us previously had meant something to me.
Hettie sighed, “Sure, why not? It’s not your fault I wasted the past few years of my life. At least you were flat out honest about your intentions,” she commented bitterly, and made me feel worse. Her expectations hadn’t been met by her boyfriend and I felt sad about that for her. In the scheme of things, she’d been with him for years and if what she’d told me was true, she had every right to feel the way she did about him. I didn’t feel guilty that I didn’t give her more because we’d only had five weeks. That was no time at all to know someone. Anyone can be who they want to be for five weeks, and for a few seconds I considered the possibility that maybe I didn’t know her as well as I thought I had.
A stony silence fell as we left the restaurant and another awkward pause stretched between us. I watched her closely and I waited to see what she would say next. She adjusted the strap for her purse on her shoulder and looked down at her shoes, clearly uncomfortable with the exchange we’d had inside. I stood quietly, allowing her time to collect her thoughts and hoped whatever she said next, I’d have an appropriate response to it.
Suddenly, she looked up and her eyes locked with mine. I watched her swallow as she bit her bottom lip. After a short time, her gaze slowly lowered from mine and focused on my mouth. She licked and pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. When she bit her lip that way, it reminded me of an image I had played over in my mind more times than I could count. It was an unconscious gesture of hers and I always got hard whenever she did it. My response was no different to those thoughts as we stood there on the sidewalk.
For a few seconds, I wanted to grab her, shove her against the nearest wall and grind against her while kissing her like I was taking my last breath, to show her I still felt something. I was so physically attracted to her I could hardly breathe when she was near me. But I couldn’t be like that with Hettie. I wasn’t able to take what I wanted that time. Instead of making a move on her, I reached out and pulled her into my chest instead.
She offered no resistance to my warm hug. I was surprised when her hands came around my waist. She clutched at my T-shirt, bunching it tightly in her fist, and my heart ached with desperation to have more of her. With her face pressed close to my chest I felt her ribs expand pushing her breasts harder against me as she took a deep breath with her head resting over my heart. I dipped my head closer to hers, inhaling her scent, and felt my head fill with desire. A lustful crave to have her made me swallow noisily when her curves molded into my body and the temptation to taste her was almost unbearable.
Had it been any other girl I’d have been on her like a tick on a dog’s back, but knew I couldn’t be that selfish…we weren’t those young people sharing a bed, so dropped my hands and stepped back. To move in on her would have either insulted her or taken advantage of her vulnerable state, and if she’d let me inside in a moment of weakness I was sure she’d regret it later.
The loss of warmth from her hot little body sent a shiver down my spine and as quickly as Hettie seemed receptive to me I watched her close down again. “Well I’d better get home. Thanks for looking me up, Gray. It was…interesting to see you again. I hope your band is a huge success in the US,” she said with another forced smile.
She hugged herself, as if the experience of our embrace had affected her in the same way as it had me, then glanced over her shoulder at the oncoming traffic. At that moment an empty cab came toward us and she turned her body and ran in the direction of it, waving frantically for him to stop. Before I caught up with her she was seated inside and had closed the door. I tried to think of something to say but nothing came to mind and for a moment I thought she was waiting for me to say my piece, but I couldn’t think of damn thing.
“Bye, Gray. Good luck,” without waiting for a response she informed the driver where she wanted to go and in the blink of an eye I watched her leave.
Hettie’s rear cab lights burned in two soft orange glows in the distance. I stood with my hands in my pockets, and wondered if all my relationships with women were destined to be rocky. Kicking the curb, I looked back in the direction of her cab one last time but it was gone. I tipped my head skyward, and glanced at the tall hotel building before I sighed deeply and headed inside.
When I reached my hotel suite, I was glad for the solitude. I wasn’t in the mood to be sociable. I stripped off my clothes and took a quick shower. My heart still burned with desire and it had taken all I had not to pull her out of that cab and carry her up to my room. It wasn’t like I could switch off a craving that had lasted years in a matter of minutes. Hettie was so alluring, despite her comments about her needs. My brain felt tight, like a band of pressure gripped my head and I had a cramping pain in my guts. I hated the feeling.
When I closed my eyes, all I could see was her face. Grabbing the soft towel from the hot rail, I rubbed vigorously at my skin, feeling the same knot in my stomach and an ache in my heart. Thinking I’d finally closed the door on my time with her left me feeling depressed.
“Yeah?” I called out as I padded slowly toward the suite door when I heard a knock. Looking through the spy hole while drying my hair, I half expected to see Caleb. When I saw Hettie’s tearful face on the other side of the door, I hurried to open it.
Without saying a word, she stepped forward and slapped her hands on my chest while mine rose to land on her hips. I wanted to respond in kind but a sixth sense made me wait; to leave her in the driving seat. Pushing me backward as she strutted into the room, she oozed confidence and I noticed the sexual hunger that flashed in her stormy brown eyes. When my calves hit the back of my bed, I let her push me backward. I landed face up on the mattress; my towel opening and falling away from my hips. Suddenly her eyes were everywhere, unashamedly taking me in.
My face, my chest, my dick. When her eyes glanced up from my dick to my face she licked her lips, pain flitting through them, like she wanted to eat me alive but hated that she wanted to. Her chest heaved with effort as she tried to resist her instincts. If I’m honest so did mine. We both knew the moment our eyes met, and after she’d made the first move, the next one was mine.