I couldn’t sleep last night, and not because I’m going to be stuck on this stupid float all day. Zach agreed to meet me at the fireworks tonight and I’m so fucking nervous. I know I should have talked with him about everything that happened instead of freaking out, but I can’t take it back now. And even if I could, I’m not sure if I have a self-regulating ability like some people do. I needed to have that freak-out and experience what it felt like to push Zach away to come to the realization that I don’t want to push Zach away.

But I don’t have time to think of that now. I have to head to the store. I don’t even bother with a shower because I’m going to be ripe after four hours in the heat in my costume. I really hate Ted sometimes.

Ted and his nephew Jonathon must have already arrived, because the back door to the store is propped open. The trailer base that we covered with crepe paper and our “Happy 4th of July from Game Over!” banner last night sits in the open parking lot, waiting for the finishing touches. That would be four giant cardboard boxes that we painted to look like arcade games and four employees dressed up like founding fathers. I suppose it could be worse. Ben suggested that we reenact Hamilton on our float. Unfortunately, the part of that suggestion that stuck was the costumes.

Jonathan’s lugging one of the boxes out the door when he spots me. I wave hi even though he can’t wave back, and get a grin and a nod in return. I help him get it placed in the right spot on the trailer, and he pulls the roll of duct tape off his wrist so we can strap it down. Ted has the next box situated by the time we finish, so we move on to the next one.

I tap Jonathan’s arm, and when he looks up, I sign, “How are you? Long time no see.”

Jonathan worked at Game Over during his first couple of years at CSU. I’m not very fluent in sign language, but he’s the reason I know as much as I do. His junior year, he stopped working for Ted so that he could do an internship with the Forest Service. Every once in a while, if Ted is really hard up, Jonathan will fill in at the store.

He grins and signs back, “Good. School’s fine. This is going to be fun.”

He might not hear my laugh, but he can see my eyes roll, and it makes him smile even bigger. “You’re crazy.”

“I can’t wait,” he signs.

Ted yells for us to get the other boxes, so I motion for us to go back inside. By the time we return, Ben, Laura, Jason, and Dave have gathered around the trailer. Laura’s wearing a sparkly red, white, and blue top and gets to trail after the float with a bucket of candy for the kids. Lucky. Ted couldn’t find a costume for her.

Ben barely helps, because that would take him away from scowling at me. It’s the first time we’ve worked together since the disaster at the bar on Saturday, and I was obviously mistaken if I thought he’d remain a neutral party in all this. Not that I blame him. I’ve been a total dick to Zach. But at least he and Mal seemed to hit it off on Saturday.

“What did you do to him?” Jonathan asks me.

“I’ll tell you later,” I respond, angling away from the others. Laura and Dave both know a little sign language for the same reason I do, and I don’t want to be the subject of workplace gossip.

“Okay,” Jonathan signs and starts to go back inside. Once the others get the last two boxes taped down, all that’s left is getting our costumes on, and although I want to wait until the last possible minute, Jonathan can barely contain his excitement. “Showtime!” he signs with a grin and jazz hands, while the duct tape still jangles on his wrist. I can’t help but laugh when I’m around Jonathan. His happiness is infectious.

“Dude, can you bring the tape back?” Ben calls after him, and I realize that Ben’s never met Jonathan before. He’s never this rude to strangers, and I feel bad that Jonathan is bearing the brunt of my actions, even if unknowingly.

“He’s hard of hearing,” I tell Ben. “Hang on.”

I chase Jonathan down and point to his wrist. He giggles and poses, like duct tape is his newest accessory, before handing it over.

“Come meet Ben,” I tell him, and we walk back to the float.

“Ben, this is Jonathan,” I say, spelling out Ben but using Jonathan’s ASL name, which is the letter J in a swoop across the forehead. “He worked here for years before getting an internship for school. Ted is his uncle. Jonathan, this is Ben. He’s new. He’s been working for a month now.”

“Nice to meet you,” Jonathan says in his signature high and breathy voice as he signs. Since he’s hard of hearing, he does speak a little, especially if it isn’t too noisy at the time.

I’ve never seen Ben look so uncomfortable, but he gives a curt nod and smile, and takes the tape from me so he can return to work.

Jonathan frowns, but quickly shakes himself out of it. “It’s my fault,” I tell him, because it’s true. I can’t imagine anyone not liking Jonathan. “I’ve been dating his best friend and screwed it up.”

“Isn’t that the right way?” Jonathan signs with a smirk and a raised eyebrow.

In return, I give him the universal sign for “fuck you.”

* * *

The parade is as hellacious as I feared. Spending hours in a powdered wig, breeches, and a tailcoat in July feels about like you’d expect – like your brain is melting down your back. Now that I’ve had a chance to shower and rehydrate, I can focus on this evening and what I’m going to say to Zach.

Ben didn’t get any better as the day progressed. He smiled and waved at parade goers, but whenever Jonathan or I came into view, the scowl returned. I didn’t say anything because Zach needs to hear from me first. He’s the one I owe the apology and explanation to, not Ben.

Other than texts arranging the time and place to meet at the fireworks tonight, I haven’t heard from Zach, so it’s a surprise when my phone dings with a text from him as I’m getting everything ready for what I hope will turn out to be a date.

The text is a photo of the Game Over float in the parade. Jonathan looks adorable, waving to the crowd. Ben towers over the arcade games like he’s about to crush them. And I look like I’m two seconds away from having the paramedics called in for heat stroke.

Craig: I look like I’m about to puke.

I pack beer into a cooler and have a separate bag full of Thai Opal takeout. Not the most festive meal for July Fourth, but I’m hoping the reminder of our first kind-of date and the fact that he loves it matters more.

Zach: I know. I was worried about you. We can cancel if you want.

I have to lean against the kitchen counter to keep my legs under me. He was worried about me. The tiny glimmer of hope I was keeping tamped down flares to life in my chest.

Craig: Fuck no I’m not cancelling. Headed out the door right now.

Zach: Okay

Zach lives closer to City Park than I do, so by the time I find a parking spot, there’s a waiting text, letting me know that he has a spot near the baseball field. I drag my cooler and bag of food through the masses of blankets already spread out across the massive field in preparation for the fireworks. I have to dodge kids and dogs and Frisbees, but I finally see Zach and make it to his small purple quilt in one piece.

Zach sees me and stands. He looks like he wants to hug me, but holds back, and I can’t tell if it’s because things are awkward now between us or if it’s because I’m loaded down. He grabs the cooler and sets it on a corner of the blanket that keeps flapping in the wind.

“Hi,” he says, and pink immediately starts to spread across his cheeks.

I can’t stop myself from reaching out with my free hand and running a thumb across his cheekbone. “I’ve missed your blushing,” I say and it only makes his blush deepen. “Fuck, I’ve missed you.”

Zach’s hand reaches out and my heart pounds as I think he’s reaching for me, but he grabs the takeout bag instead. “You brought food?”

A lump catches in my throat, making it impossible for me to respond, so I nod and gesture for us both to sit. Zach eagerly pulls out the food, inhaling and exhaling a satisfied sigh. “Thai Opal. Thank you.”

We eat quietly together as the sun drops below the horizon and street lamps dotted throughout the park pop on.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Zach says, digging through the cooler for a water. He eyes the beer in my hand with concern. “I mean after this morning. You seemed seriously dehydrated.”

“I’m okay, but if it will make you feel better, I’ll switch to water.”

He nods and hands me the water, taking my beer and dumping it into the grass beside us. When he looks back at me, there’s a defiance on his face that’s daring me to complain about it. But I can’t. If he wants to take care of me still, I’m not going to argue. The water lid twists open with a crack, and I fidget with it while trying to gather my courage.

“I am so sorry for the way I acted, Zach. And the way I treated you.” When I finally get the nerve to meet his eyes, they’re shiny behind his glasses, and I’m a total shit for ever making him feel like that. “I got freaked out, and instead of talking to you like an adult, I acted like an idiot.” He looks down at his hands, twisting them together. “Please tell me I haven’t ruined everything.”

It takes a few seconds for him to gather his thoughts, but it feels like an eternity to me, waiting to see if I still have a chance.

“I didn’t mean to say it. It just slipped out. I’ve only ever told one other person that I like things like that. That I want things like that.” I reach out and pry one of his hands away from the other and link our fingers together. I haven’t been here the past few days to give him anything, but maybe I can give him a little strength now. “It was a college boyfriend. Once he found out, he called me a freak and a slut. I promised myself that I’d never tell anyone ever again.”

I drop his hand so that I can cradle his face, making sure he’s looking at me as I speak to him. “You’re none of those things, Zach. I mean it. You’re beautiful and amazing, and anyone who can’t see that isn’t worth it, myself included.”

“But you’re coming around to it?” he says with a watery grin.

“Oh, I’ve been there for a while now. I’m not going to lie. We still need to talk about those things and what they mean for us, but I realized that whatever it is, it isn’t worth missing out on you.”

Zach hiccups into a laugh, and I rush forward to kiss his doubts away, but stop just before we touch. “Is this-?” Zach throws his arms around my neck to pull me the rest of the way in. I usually try to be gentle when we kiss, but I haven’t had my lips on him in days and he seems to be feeling the same. His tongue plays against mine until he sucks it into his mouth and I groan.

It’s fully dark now, but there are still park lights on that keep us from being private. “We should … wait,” I say between kisses, and Zach pulls back and glances around guiltily. I bring the back of his hand to my lips. “We’re good. Just not the most appropriate time and place for a boner, you know?”

He blushes and I set my lips against his cheek. “You know I can feel the heat through your skin when you blush?” He shakes his head, sending soft curls springing against my face. I can feel my chest crack wide open as he settles against me.