It’s been over a week since the baby shower. Zach tried texting me at first, but I didn’t respond. I couldn’t respond, and he’s given up now. It’s for the best. Now he can find a guy who wears suits and loves Jesus and who won’t come between him and his family.

I’m probably being emo. I guess it matches the look that Zach says I have. But I can’t help but feel partially responsible for the disaster that was the party. And if Zach had somebody different, none of it would have happened.

Ben gave his two-week notice last week. Ted told him he didn’t have to work it if he felt like he needed the time to prepare for his teaching job, and Ben didn’t put up a fight. I haven’t seen him since I was dropped off at home after the hospital.

I’ve stayed secluded, except for work. I skipped the gaming party that my friends had planned last weekend. A whole weekend of gaming and junk food, and before Zach, I would have wanted nothing more. Mrs. Hill has been on my ass, trying to get me to play cards, but I’m just not feeling it. I’ve taken Toto on his walks and we’ve done her shopping runs, but I’ve been avoiding her too. I’m sure she’d try to cheer me up and that isn’t at all what I want. I feel like I need to suffer.

“So you aren’t dead,” says a familiar voice at the counter, and I look up to see Kieran, one of my gaming friends, giving me an obvious once-over. “I thought you’d have to be completely incapacitated to miss the party last weekend.”

He’s grinning at his own jokes and it makes me smile too.

“Still alive. Barely.”

“What happened? We missed you,” he says, and the blush that accompanies his words is a knife in my heart.

“Well, I do have a life outside of video games,” I say, and we both laugh because at that moment, a teenager brings a stack of games to the counter. He asks for our opinions, and Kieran and I both ramble on about the pros and cons of each until the kid has made his decision and his purchase.

“See? You love this stuff. Can you blame a guy for worrying when you didn’t show?”

“Well, I’m just fine, as you can see,” I say, and I swear his blush deepens. “I promise I won’t miss any more parties.”

Kieran shifts his weight from foot to foot. “Listen, I know this isn’t the best time to ask, while you’re working and everything, but would you want to go out sometime?”

“Like to play a game?”

He snorts. “Like a date.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize.” I scan him up and down. He’s slight, with long reddish fringe flopping in waves over one eye, and looking really nervous. I’ve hung out with him before, but like all the guys in my gaming group of friends, I’ve always assumed he was straight.

My surprise must show because he says, “You’ve met my roommates.” They’re also our gaming friends and if the things they shout at the screen during game play is any indication, not the most open-minded. “We’ve been friends since high school. I’ve never really been out before, but yes, I’m gay.”

I guess I never paid that much attention to Kieran before, other than to notice that he’s the best shot out of all of us when it comes to first-person shooters. He’s cute and surprisingly funny. But he reminds me too much of someone I’d rather forget.

“I wish I could say yes, but I just got out of a relationship and I don’t think I’m ready to get back out there just yet.”

“It’s cool.” He stops fidgeting with the stickers in piles along the counter and stuffs his hands in his pockets. “I get it.”

A customer approaches the counter to pay for a game, and Kieran takes it as a sign to leave.

“Wait just a sec,” I call after him. “My shift is finished in like, two seconds. We can go get some coffee?” His brows furrow at that, and I quickly add, “Not a date. Just to talk.”

I can’t believe I’m the first person this guy has ever come out to. And I had to turn him down for a date. Maybe I can at least offer him something else.

After the customer leaves, Elijah takes over the register and I clock out. Starry Night is just a few stores away, so it isn’t long before we’re sitting at a table, me with my coffee and Kieran with a cup of tea.

“I just wanted to let you know that if you need someone to talk to, I’m absolutely here for you,” I say, hoping I’m not being too forward. He asked me out, true, but everyone can use another friend. “I can be your gay Obi-Wan.”

His smile returns, thank god, and he laughs. “You’ll teach me the ways of the gay?”

“Absolutely,” I grin back at him. “Just as long as it isn’t relationship advice. Obviously I don’t know shit when it comes to that.”

“Maybe. Why did you break up? If you don’t mind me asking,” he says while sipping at his tea. It makes him look sophisticated, which is weird when this is a guy I’m used to seeing munch down on Doritos and Diet Mountain Dew. I guess everyone has their hidden sides.

“He’s really smart,” I gush, “like graduated in three years and already runs his own successful business. His parents aren’t okay with him being gay, but they seemed to be able to ignore it, at least until I came into the picture. They were awful, and I couldn’t be the reason that he got subjected to that kind of shit. I have no big plans for the future. I work in a fucking video game store. He deserves better.”

“Wow.”

“What?”

“I think I’m glad you turned me down for that date now.” Ouch. I didn’t expect Kieran to be so harsh. “You just decided all that for him? Did you ask him what he thinks he deserves?”

“You don’t get it,” I say, and start to pull away from the table.

“Don’t go.” He puts a hand on my arm. “Please. I’m sorry for upsetting you. I obviously don’t have my shit together, either. I mean, look at me. I’m a twenty-five-year-old man who is still too scared about what his friends and family will say to come out.”

I sit back down and pull my mug closer, like it will protect me from the vulnerability of this conversation. “He has this perfect life, and I feel like I’m taking him from it. I’ve never had a perfect life, and I never will.”

“I don’t want to upset you, but it sounds to me like you have no idea if your past, and lack of school and career, is an issue with this guy. But it’s obviously an issue with you. Maybe you have to accept yourself, past and video game job and all, first. Because none of that is a reason to be ashamed or to feel inferior, and I have a feeling your guy would say the exact same thing if you’d only talk to him about it.”

“Hey, I thought I was supposed to be the gay guru here. Damn it.”

We laugh, but damn if Kieran didn’t make complete and total sense.