Guests have already started to arrive by the time we get back, and Shelby has situated herself right in the middle of the sofa, like we knew she would. My folks are here, too, and I have to laugh. There’s no way my dad’s basic black suit is going to camouflage into the horrible maroon and gold wallpaper, but he’s clinging to the wall like he’s going to try his damndest.

I reach for Craig’s hand and tug him with me.

“Hey guys,” I say as we reach my parents. “This is Craig. He’s my boyfriend.”

Mom’s face pales and she looks like a deer in headlights. I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen her unable to cover her true feelings with her fake Martha Stewart hospitality.

She shows her teeth and says, “Craig.” I’m thinking that was meant to be a smile. At least my dad recovers more quickly. He stretches a hand out, which Craig shakes. “Nice to meet you. You’ll have to forgive my wife. You’re the first boy Zach has brought to meet us.”

This is true. Both because I’ve never gotten that far into a relationship and because I’d be afraid of scaring the poor guy off. And judging by the sweat in Craig’s palm right now, I might have misjudged Craig’s scare-ability.

“What about me?” Ben pipes up from behind us. I hadn’t realized he’d followed, but he probably didn’t want to miss the spectacle of Craig’s introduction to my family.

“Ben. I didn’t realize you were here too.” My mother’s color has returned, but her face still looks like Ben just rammed a lemon in there.

“You know me, Mrs. K. I’m not turning down an opportunity to visit a Brown Palace.”

“Yes, well.” Like she does with most things she doesn’t understand, she ignores Ben’s comment and turns to me. “Zach, dear, could you come help me please? There’s a cake emergency.”

I still haven’t dropped Craig’s hand, and I think we’re both about to lose fingers soon, although I can’t say which one of us is squeezing harder. So we start to follow after her together, when she puts a hand on Craig’s shoulder to stop us. Craig looks like he wants to shrug her off and shudder, but he holds perfectly still instead.

“Mr. Keller would love to get to know you better, Craig. I only need Zach’s help right now.”

Real subtle, Mom. The problem is, I can tell by her satisfied expression when our hands drop and Craig takes a step back toward my dad, that she’s proud of herself for being so crafty. I try to convey as much apology in my look to Craig as I can before I’m being tugged away to follow after my mother.

“Zach, what were you thinking?” she hisses when we reach the apparent safety of the cake table.

“What are you talking about?”

“Do you know the first thing Shelby said when your father and I got here?” she says as she pretends to sort and stack plates and napkins. I’m sure she thinks she’s speaking in a low enough whisper to avoid anyone overhearing, but she’s totally failing, given the number of guests loitering with full plates. I know it’s to get gossip for or about Shelby. “It wasn’t how beautiful everything looked or how grateful she was that we threw her this party.”

I want to interrupt and point out that Shelby wasn’t ever going to act grateful for something that she feels she deserves, but I refrain. I look over to where the bitch is sitting like a queen bee, her friends buzzing around in attire just as ridiculous as hers. Ben has approached and as he talks, his wrists flap and butt twists. Parker’s biting his lip like he finds something funny and totally ignores the fact that his wife is about to murder my best friend.

Mom grabs my elbow, bringing my attention back to her harping.

“No, it was how you ruined her party by showing up with another boy so that you could flaunt your sinful lifestyle in front of her. Now, you know that I don’t say anything to you about it, dear.” No, of course not. You would never. “But this is Shelby’s day. I would have thought you’d have enough sense to put your family first this once.”

I have never yelled or cussed out my mother, but I am so close right now. I try to calm myself down and look back to Craig. Craig, my beautiful, understanding, kick-ass boyfriend who came and subjected himself to this, just for me. He and my dad are chatting still, and if you didn’t know Craig well enough, you’d think it was a pleasant bit of small talk normal for a party. But he keeps his hands clasped behind his back and is tapping his toes together.

Fuck, this was a terrible mistake.

“You’re right. We’ll leave.”

I’ve made it to a spot in front of Shelby when Mom catches up to me. “Not you, Zach. Just those two.”

“You don’t want to risk the gay infecting Shelby’s fetus, do you?” I turn to the ungrateful cow herself. “By the way, you’re welcome.” I wave my hands indicating the entire party, which three gay men put together for her. “I’m out.”

I shrug out of my mom’s clutches and race toward Craig, not waiting to see the reaction of my family or our audience.

“Bye, Dad,” is all I spare them, not even allowing him to finish his sentence, and drag Craig with me to Ben on the other side of the room. He’s staring at the ultrasound video like it’s a horror movie that he can’t tear his eyes from.

“We’re leaving.”

“Thank god,” Ben says, “I wasn’t prepared for this level of Stepford.”

No one says a word as we wait for the valet to bring around the car, which I’m thankful for. I don’t want to talk about it. All I can think is, if I wasn’t done with my family before, I am now.