Chapter Two
Trevor’s butt was numb. His legs hurt. The hard edge of the coffee table dug into his back. On the couch in front of him, Riley snored softly, his cheek pillowed on folded hands. Trevor just sat, watching him sleep, resisting the urge to stroke his head like he had when Riley was little.
Definitely not my baby anymore.
Tracing his eyes over him, Trevor wondered how Riley’d felt getting all his hair shaved off in boot camp. If there was one thing his son was vain about, it was his hair, favoring a cut with short sides and long, floppy bangs that hung down into his eyes. That alone would’ve driven Trevor batshit crazy, but somehow, it suited Riley. Besides, it was just hair.
Pick your battles, right?
The predawn glow outside the window was starting to brighten, so Trevor got to his feet, trying not to groan as his muscles protested loudly. Maybe sitting on a hard floor for hours hadn’t been the best idea, but...
With a last glance at a sleeping Riley, Trevor picked his way through the bodies sprawled all around him, hurrying into the bedroom to shut his alarm off before it woke Carl.
“Trev?” The sound of Carl’s deep, sleep-roughened voice brushed along Trevor’s skin, and he couldn’t resist perching next to him to run his hand over Carl’s warm back.
“Gonna get up and make the boys breakfast. Go back to sleep, babe.”
Carl mumbled something into his pillow and turned his head away, his breathing rhythmic and even as he drifted back off again. Trevor kissed his shoulder and reluctantly got up, heading into the bathroom to shower and brush his teeth before pulling on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt.
All was still quiet in the family room, but as soon as Trevor put on a pot of coffee, he heard some sleepy grumbling, and yawning young men in underwear soon started straggling in to snag a cup, some of them heading out to the backyard to smoke.
“Why we up so early? What time we gotta be back?” Smitty asked Riley in a slurred voice. He scratched his balls through his boxers as he chugged a bottle of water before giving a loud belch.
“0900.” This came from Jesse, who appeared in the kitchen already dressed, his still-damp beach towel over his arm.
“Aww, shit. Only a few more hours of freedom.” Smitty grabbed his pack of cigarettes from the counter and he and Riley disappeared outside with the others.
“May I have my keys, sir?” Jesse’s voice was quiet, subdued. His eyes had dark circles under them, as if he hadn’t gotten much sleep either. Studying him, Trevor thought, This kid—this rude, bigoted kid—is still a guest in my home, and he’s shortly going to war for me.
“You’re welcome to stay for breakfast, Jesse,” he said. “I’m making blueberry pancakes and bacon.”
“Thank you, sir, but no. I have some things to do.”
“Of course.” Trevor grabbed the key bucket and handed it to Jesse before turning back to his bowl of pancake batter. He could hear Jesse rooting through it, keys jangling, then a sudden curse as the bucket slipped out of his hands and crashed to the floor.
Trevor knelt to help, and when their hands brushed while reaching for the same set of keys, Jesse jerked away like he’d been burned.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. “The gay won’t rub off on you, you know,” Trevor murmured sardonically. Jesse scowled, then snatched his keys up from the floor and stood.
“Tell Riley I’ll see him back at the room at 0900,” he said, grabbing his towel and heading for the front door. At the last minute he stopped, took a deep breath, and turned.
“Thank you for the party, sir,” Jesse said with exquisite, insincere politeness. Then he was gone.
Trevor blew out a breath and finished picking up the rest of the keys, watching through the window as Jesse climbed into a battered old truck and drove away. He shook his head, wishing he could tell the kid that life was too short for hate. He hoped all this wouldn’t change Jesse and Riley’s relationship too much; as Smitty had said, over there in a war zone, they’d all need each other.
A war zone.
At the thought of the next few hours to come, the goodbye, Trevor pulled the batter bowl to him and stirred the contents violently.
Maybe I can’t protect him from war, but by God I can send him off to it well fed.
Before long Trevor had a huge stack of golden brown pancakes, crispy bacon and fresh coffee on the table, and at his shout the young men came thundering in like a herd of elephants. They attacked their breakfast, and all too soon they had finished and were out the door themselves. Every one of them shook Trevor’s hand and thanked him before leaving, and Trevor basked in Riley’s approving smile.
“Thanks, Dad,” he said as he got ready to leave. “You and Carl were fucking awesome about this.”
“You’re welcome.” Trevor pulled him into a rough hug, and they slapped each other’s backs before pulling away.
“See you on the field today at 1400?”
No, I don’t want to see you on that field. I want you home. Safe.
“Wouldn’t miss it, Riles,” Trevor said quietly.
“I know. Love ya, Dad.”
He breezed out the door, and Trevor blinked back the sudden tears that stung his eyes at words he didn’t hear all that often anymore.
“Love you, too.”
* * *
“Ladies and gentlemen, please rise for our National Anthem.”
Trevor stood along with the rest of the crowd in the bleachers, putting his hand over his heart as a tinny version of “The Star-Spangled Banner” started playing from the loudspeakers.
The afternoon sun was shining in a cloudless sky, and Pikes Peak soared majestically in the distance. Trevor lifted his face into the cool breeze that was blowing across the parade field and ruffling everyone’s hair.
It was a beautiful day for goodbye.
“O’er the Land of the Free, and the Home of the Brave!”
Cheers rang out at the conclusion of the song, the throng in the bleachers clapping and shouting. The soldiers stood at perfect attention on the field, ramrod straight, not moving a muscle. As the crowd settled down and took their seats, a uniformed man walked to a podium set off to the side and adjusted the microphone.
“Honored guests, family and friends, I’d like to welcome you to the Division’s deployment and color-casing ceremony. The casing of our colors and battle streamers symbolizes movement of the Division from our home here at Fort Carson, Colorado, to our new theater of operations in Afghanistan, in support of Operation Enduring Freedom.”
A few babies cried as the man spoke, their mothers shushing them. Planes from nearby Peterson Air Force Base roared overhead, briefly drowning out the man’s next words. Next to Trevor a petite blonde girl gave a watery sniff, and dabbed at her eyes with a tissue. What had Riley said her name was? Victoria? Tori.
“In times past, this ceremony was conducted to signify that a unit was being deactivated, the formal end of that particular command. However, since the attacks of September 11, 2001, the casing of the colors has taken on a different connotation.” The speaker paused. “Now, it is a sign that we are going to war.”
The words sent a chill up Trevor’s spine, and despite the warm, sunny day, he shivered.
“Once the flag is cased, it will remain so until it is unfurled during a transfer-of-authority ceremony conducted in Afghanistan with the outgoing unit there.”
Trevor swallowed hard, and he looked toward the field, unable to pick Riley out amongst all the other green-camouflaged soldiers.
“Ladies and gentlemen, the United States is sending its very best.”
With that, the color bearer presented the colors. The speaker stepped down from the podium and wrapped the flag and battle streamers around the staff before slipping a leather case over it.
There was subdued, polite applause when he was done, the ramifications of what the whole thing meant hitting everyone hard. The mood was somber when the ceremony was over, and the soldiers were given thirty minutes of family time to say goodbye before they would board buses for the Air Force base and their plane to Italy.
The girl, Tori, followed Trevor as he made his way out of the bleachers onto the parade field to look for Riley. He felt a sudden, fierce resentment toward her for taking up part of the time that should be his. Trevor hadn’t even wanted Carl there. But when Riley had led her over before the ceremony started and asked Trevor to sit with her, how could he refuse?
Just then Riley strode up, tall and handsome in his BDUs, his cover set smartly on his head. Tori flung herself into his arms, and he hugged her for a minute before breaking away and walking up to Trevor.
Tori turned to wander a little ways off, her arms crossed over her middle, her head down. Trevor raised one eyebrow at his son and asked, his tone dry, “So. Does Tori know what Italy is for?” referring to the conversation he’d overheard about “rocking girls’ worlds.”
Riley shrugged. “I met her a few weeks ago,” he said. “We’ve had some good times. It’s not serious, but I like her. She asked if she could come say goodbye today, and who’s going to say no to a pretty girl crying over you?”
“You didn’t ask her to wait for you, did you?” Trevor asked cautiously, and he had to laugh at the horrified look that spread over Riley’s face.
“Fuck, no,” he exclaimed. “Do you think I’m an idiot, Dad?”
Trevor shook his head. “No, I don’t think you’re an idiot, Riles. In fact, I’m so damn proud of you I could burst.”
“Really?” A vulnerable look entered Riley’s pale green eyes. “I—I know you weren’t happy about me joining the Army, but—”
He put his hand on Riley’s shoulder. “I’m not happy about you being put in harm’s way. I’m not happy about not seeing you for a year. But son, wanting to serve your country? Doing something you believe in? How could I possibly be anything but proud?”
Riley took a giant step forward and grabbed him in a tight embrace, and Trevor wrapped his arms around his son, holding on to him for dear life.
“Thank you, Dad,” Riley whispered. “I think more than anything, that’s what I needed to hear.”
Trevor cupped the back of Riley’s neck and pressed their foreheads together. “No matter what you do, no matter where you go, I will always be proud of you, and I will always—always—love you. You hear me?”
“I’m so glad you have Carl,” Riley said, his tone fierce. “I was worried about leaving you all alone.”
Trevor pulled away, and cupped Riley’s cheeks in his hands, not caring who was watching. “Don’t spend one minute worrying about me, Riles, you hear me? I’ll be fine. I’m going to keep busy, and when you get home, we’ll take a trip anywhere you want, just you and me, okay? Japan, Australia, Hawaii. Hell, Antarctica, I don’t care. Wherever you want.”
Riley’s eyes widened. “Awesome. You and me, surfing in Hawaii? Hiking a volcano?”
“You got it, bud. As soon as you get home, we’re on a plane to Hawaii.”
Trevor could see Tori looking over at them, her face anxious, and he forced himself to step away, giving Riley’s cheeks one more hard pat. Like it or not, he had to share Riley’s time, and he should go before he fell apart.
“Go say goodbye to your friend,” he said firmly. “And keep me posted as much as you can. I gave you those calling cards, right?”
Riley nodded. “Yeah. We’ll be in Italy until we get the word we’re going downrange. It could be a week, could be a month, don’t know. I’ll call when I can. I promise.”
Trevor swallowed, his voice sounding hoarse as he said, “Take care of yourself, Riley. I love you.”
“Love you, too, Dad,” Riley replied, his own voice husky with emotion. “See you.”
“See you.”
Riley walked over to Tori and put his arm around her shoulders. She leaned against him, crying, and a wave of sadness moved through Trevor, replacing the resentment. A fledgling relationship with no chance to get off the ground, one that would wither under the strain of separation and silence. In different circumstances, would he be looking at his future daughter-in-law right now?
Riley had an air of tender protectiveness about him as he soothed her, and Trevor couldn’t help but think how mature he seemed, a boy on the verge of manhood. Maybe the Army was doing him some good after all, honing off all those rough edges.
He really was a good kid. An indifferent student who would rather socialize than study, he’d barely squeaked through high school, after that working a series of dead-end jobs in fast-food restaurants and mall stores. One failed community college class followed, and Riley had broken that particular news to him one night, visibly bracing himself for Trevor’s anger.
“What are you going to do with your life, Riles?” he’d demanded. “You’ll never be able to support yourself working in fast food, for God’s sake! You want to live at home with me for the rest of your life? I’ll tell you what, son, I’d totally cramp your style!”
“Speaking of that, I see it’s okay for you to have your new boyfriend over, but I can’t have anyone spend the night?” Riley yelled, in an obvious attempt to deflect attention from himself. “Unfair as fuck, Dad.”
“I’m a grown man,” Trevor rejoined, his voice low and furious. “You don’t have any say in how I conduct my life.”
“I’m an adult, too, you know. I turned eighteen last month!”
“Then act like an adult, goddammit! Get your shit together. It’s obvious that school—college—isn’t for you, and that’s okay, Riles. I’m tired of fighting with you about it. But you’ve got to do something. Learn a trade. Go to technical school to learn a specific trade, and I’ll pay for it. But that’s it, Riley. I’ll pay for trade school, but what I won’t pay for is you partying your life away, squandering the opportunities you’re being given. When I was eighteen years old I was working three jobs to support you, giving up friends and parties, and I didn’t do that to see you half-assing it somewhere and drinking up your measly salary along with a never-ending succession of girls!”
Riley had flinched, the color draining from his face.
“Riley—”
Trevor’s shoulders slumped as Riley stomped away, the argument over. A week or so of cold silence, and one night he’d come to Trevor with the news he’d enlisted in the Army.
“While we’re at war, Riley? You’re going to be deployed to the Middle East!”
Riley nodded. “Yes, most likely. I hope so.”
“You hope so?” Trevor’s voice was high-pitched with shock. “Why?”
“Because I want you to be proud of me.”
Trevor hadn’t known what to say. “I am—”
Riley shook his head. “When we were fighting the other day, when you said you’d never gotten the chance to party and be a kid, it’s true. And I know it’s because of me. It hit me so hard when you said that, Dad. You never got to be a teenager because of me. You’ve worked hard your whole life to make a home for me, to give me things, and you’re right. I hate school and I’m never gonna make it through college.”
Trevor had taken Riley by the shoulders to shake him. “Jesus, I never meant to imply you’d ruined my life or something, Riley! You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I’ve never regretted having you. Not for one minute. Not one minute!”
Riley reached up and gripped Trevor’s wrists. “I know. I know that’s not what you meant. But things could have been so different for me, if I hadn’t had you for a dad. When my mother didn’t want me anymore—” He looked away, and Trevor grasped his chin and turned it so that Riley was looking into his eyes.
“She wanted you, Riley. She wanted you so much. But she was a kid, with a messed-up, shitty home life, and a newborn baby was too much for her to cope with. You were wanted, honey, so much, by both of us. Never, ever doubt that.”
Riley’s eyes were sheened with tears. “But if you hadn’t taken me, what would she have done? Left me in a Dumpster?”
“Riley—” Trevor had tried to take him into his arms, but Riley pushed him away.
“You gave me a chance, Dad, and when you were my age, you put your entire life on hold for me. I can’t ever repay you, but what I can do is make you proud.”
Trevor pulled him close, not letting Riley resist. “You don’t have to repay me, son,” he said thickly. “I love you, and I’d do the exact same thing again tomorrow, the exact same thing. I don’t regret one minute of my life with you. I just—I want more for you than where I’m seeing you heading. If I’m hard on you, it’s because I care, Riley.”
“I know, Dad,” Riley whispered, then pulled away and strode off, wiping his eyes.
A few weeks later Trevor had driven him to the airport in Denver to catch his flight to Georgia and boot camp, and ten weeks after that, flew there himself for graduation. He’d been so full of pride that day, watching Riley march in formation, his face serious and determined.
The sound of jets roaring overhead jolted Trevor out of his memories, and he looked around the parade field for Riley, not seeing him. As he trudged toward the parking lot, Trevor spotted him off in the distance helping to load the storage bay of the charter bus with rucksacks and stacks of equipment.
For a minute he considered going over there for one last goodbye, but in the next instant thought better of it. Riley had said his farewells, and now he needed to switch from son mode to soldier mode. Trevor had to let him go. Even as he watched him, he noticed how Riley all of a sudden seemed older, more focused, his mind on his upcoming mission.
For the next year Riley belonged to the United States and the war it was waging in a country thousands of miles away.
So Trevor turned his back and left him, and it was the hardest thing he’d ever done.