Epilogue
December 2012—Four years after
“Happy birthday, Riles.”
Trevor traced his fingers over the etched black letters and ran his palm over the top of the curved white stone. “You’re twenty-five today. How is that possible?”
He set up the folding chair he always borrowed from Linda during these birthday visits, and as he did he glanced over at her. She was busy decorating the gravestones nearby with her wreaths, chatting with another mom, who was sticking a candy cane in each one after Linda placed it. In fact, people were dotted all throughout Section Sixty, this section of Arlington reserved for those taken by the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Some family members were laughing and talking together as they reminisced, some silent as they grieved alone.
Indeed, Trevor noticed one man, cocooned in a thick down sleeping bag, lying motionless on the frozen ground, his hand resting on the base of the stone marker he was in front of. His heart aching for the man’s pain, Trevor said a quick silent prayer before turning his attention back to Riley.
“Let’s see. What did 2012 bring?”
Trevor leaned back in his chair, stretching his legs out and lacing his fingers across his stomach, getting comfortable. He loved these yearly birthday pilgrimages he made each December, where he filled Riley in on his life and just spent some time with him.
“First, Jesse couldn’t come this year because he’s taking a group of veterans snowshoeing up near Breckenridge.”
“You understand, don’t you, Trev?” Jesse’s face was full of apprehension, his body tense. “Christmas is really hard on some of these guys who’ve lost their families, or those newly sober or fighting depression. It’s important to keep busy.”
Trevor rubbed his hand in soothing circles on Jesse’s stomach and kissed his bare shoulder. “Of course I understand,” he said quietly. “And I know Riley will, too.”
“So we’re going to have at least six guys staying with us over Christmas again. I’m planning to bake a ham and—”
He told Riley all about the elaborate dinner he was going to make for the veterans staying with them, those who would otherwise spend the holiday alone. There was nothing he and Jesse enjoyed more than having a house full of people on Christmas Day, and for the past three years they’d gladly opened their home to anyone who needed it. Trevor loved keeping his eye out during the year for unique gifts he could buy and stash away so everyone staying with them would have a little something under the tree.
“What else? Oh, Jesse and I went to New Zealand over the summer, and Riley, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more beautiful than Milford Sound. We went on a cruise and there were waterfalls and caves, the most crystal clear water. Just gorgeous.”
Trevor kept up the one-sided conversation until he’d run out of news, at last lapsing into silence. The skies were a leaden gray and a brisk wind shushing through the nearby trees rattled the ornaments hanging from them. All around him people were ebbing and flowing as they conducted their own visits, and sometimes he waved at a familiar face passing by.
Finally Trevor got to his feet. “Okay, bud. I’m gonna head on out, try to catch that flight ahead of the storm they’re predicting.”
He stood and folded the lawn chair before carrying it over to Linda, where he thanked her with a hug and collected the wreath she’d set aside for Riley. He walked back to lay it gently against the stone, kissing his fingertips and touching them once to the top of the marker.
“Merry Christmas, Riley. See you next year.”
December 2015—Seven years after
“Hey, brother. Happy birthday.”
Trevor sat in his folding chair as Jesse brushed the fresh snow briskly from the top of the stone before dropping to the ground to sit at Trevor’s knee.
“Well, we did it, man.” Jesse lifted his left hand to display his shiny new wedding ring. “This past July, in our backyard next to the waterfall. The absolute happiest day of my life.”
He turned his face up to Trevor, asking for a kiss, and Trevor obliged him with a brief one, smiling against his lips.
“So it was this Hawaiian luau thing, Riles, super casual and amazing.”
Trevor listened as Jesse told Riley all about it, how both of them had been barefoot in the lush grass, wearing dark jeans and white T-shirts with real flower leis around their necks.
“Karen and her husband were there, and all the people from your dad’s TAPS support group. Bill came—he’s my boss at Hope Ranch—and this great guy I work with named Carey. Smitty, Watty, Silvera and their wives...”
It had been a beautiful, magical day, the wedding of Trevor’s dreams. He’d never forget the look in Jesse’s eyes as they said their emotional vows to each other, or the feeling of cupping Jesse’s face in his hands to kiss him while the people they loved most in the world hooted their congratulations and joy.
There’d been food, and dancing on the patio, lots and lots of sparkling cider toasts, gifts and hugs.
“Missed you, though, bud.” Jesse’s voice was husky, and Trevor put his hand lightly on the back of his neck. “I promise to take good care of your dad, okay?”
“He already does, Riles,” Trevor said softly, giving Jesse a gentle squeeze. “Best husband ever.”
Jesse smiled up at him, and Trevor couldn’t resist leaning down for another lingering kiss.
“Well, I’m gonna go say hi to the other guys, if that’s okay,” Jesse said, getting to his feet and brushing the snow off the seat of his pants. “Your dad can tell you all about the honeymoon.” He gave Trevor a wink full of pure wickedness.
Trevor choked, his face burning as the memories of those nights on the cruise ship washed over him, particularly the one where Jesse had leisurely fucked him over the railing of their balcony, his hand clapped to Trevor’s mouth, while a large group of people socialized in the next stateroom over, their sliding door open to the sea breeze.
“Jesse Aaron Byrne,” he hissed, and Jesse laughed, a deep, rich sound that never failed to curl Trevor’s toes, no matter how many years they’d spent together.
“You loved it,” he teased before strolling off, Trevor admiring his long legs and tight round buttocks encased in soft, worn jeans.
“I sure did,” he said under his breath, shifting in his chair. “Most definitely.”
A few rows away, Jesse crouched in front of another white stone and placed his hand on top of it as he bowed his head. Patterson. Trevor sighed, thinking how hard it’d been on Jesse when the news first broke that the US was pulling out of the Korengal Valley only two years after Riley was killed.
Jesse’d raged as he watched YouTube videos of smug Taliban fighters walking unmolested through the abandoned American outpost or strolling nonchalantly in and out of the buildings the departing troops left intact.
“They could have at least bombed the fuckin’ things before they left,” he’d hissed, his eyes full of angry tears. “All the blood we shed over that place, and now those fuckin’ assholes get to enjoy a warm place to sleep? Fuck them!”
Trevor hadn’t been able to comfort him, and Jesse’d grabbed his Army buddies and disappeared with them for days, eventually returning home hollow-eyed and stubbly, his body obviously worn out from punishing physical exertion and very little food.
“Forty-two lives lost,” he’d said hoarsely, lying in Trevor’s arms that night. “And they just pull out and leave it all behind like none of them mattered. Such a goddamned waste.”
Over the course of time they’d learned that the Taliban had let the Americans manning the outpost evacuate safely in exchange for leaving the buildings, and Jesse made his peace with that part of it, saying, “At least nobody else had to die there.”
Over at Patterson’s grave, Jesse had finished his conversation with him and was moving on to Miller, so Trevor stood up and carried the chair back to Linda.
“Thanks as always,” he said, bending to pick up Riley’s wreath. She tried for a smile but her eyes were rimmed with red, and she blew her nose into a tissue before patting her son Timothy’s stone.
“Having a hard day today for some reason,” she rasped, and Trevor put the wreath back down and slid his arm around her shoulders, not saying anything, just letting her feel the warmth and contact. At last she pulled away. “Your handsome boyfriend is heading back over,” she said, wiping her eyes.
“My handsome husband now. Married in July.” He waggled his ring finger at her, gratified to see her expression lighten a little.
“Well, now, congratulations, Trevor.” Linda gave him a quick hug. “Best wishes to you both.”
He and Jesse lay the wreath together against Riley’s stone, and they stood there arm in arm until Jesse kissed him on the temple, whispering, “Let’s go home.”
December 2017—Nine years after
“Go on ahead and I’ll join you in a minute.”
Trevor nodded at Jesse and climbed out of the rental car, casting a quick glance into the back seat before shutting the door as quietly as he could.
He trudged through the snowy grass toward Riley’s grave, noticing as he got closer there were a couple of pennies arrayed on top of the white stone—tributes left by those who’d gone to boot camp with him. Every other year or so there’d be a quarter, indicating he’d been visited by someone present when he died. Trevor always wondered who it was, and what that unknown person had talked with him about.
“Hey, Riles. Happy thirtieth birthday, son.” Trevor crouched down in front of the stone to do his ritual tracing of Riley’s name. “It’s been a—let’s just say it’s been quite a year.”
Last visit he and Jesse had been bursting with news, news they’d wanted Riley to hear first, and Trevor smiled, remembering how they’d laughed and cried together here, knowing the next time they came back, their daughter would be born.
Jesse’s feet crunched through the snow as he walked up and knelt next to Trevor, a small bundle nestled close to his chest. Trevor eased the baby from Jesse’s arms.
“Meet your little sister, bud,” he said softly. “This is Serena.”
Serena made some snuffling sounds, and she blinked sleepily up at Trevor, a few bubbles on her rosebud lips. He leaned down to kiss her downy cheek.
“And this is your big brother, sweetheart. Riley.”
Trevor blinked back sudden tears, thinking of his son alive at thirty years old and almost certainly with a family of his own. He pinched the bridge of his nose as all those old might-have-beens slammed into him again, ones that rarely made an appearance anymore but when they did, left Trevor gasping for air.
“Here, babe, let me have her,” Jesse murmured, leaning in to take Serena from him. He moved a little ways off, giving Trevor some privacy, and once again, love for his perceptive husband swelled Trevor’s heart to almost bursting.
Trevor wanted to talk to Riley, but he couldn’t, afraid he’d start sobbing and not be able to stop. He put his hand on top of the stone, almost petting it, thinking of Serena’s birth, so different from Riley’s. Laura had been quite a trooper, and Trevor had stood next to her head, gripping one of her hands in his, her husband, Mark, gripping the other, as with one last giant push she delivered into Jesse’s waiting arms the most precious gift they would ever receive.
Laura had done so much more than carry their baby, she and her family had become dear friends, too.
“I have so many blessings, Riles,” Trevor croaked at last, running his fingertips up and down the side of the cold marble. “My husband, our daughter. I just—oh God, sometimes I just miss you so much.”
He let the tears come then, but to his relief the storm was over quickly. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve.
“So your old room is hers now. I figured you’d like that.”
Jesse turned out to be not much of a TV watcher or gamer, so they’d decided on a plain old guest room instead of a man cave. Over the years dozens of veterans had stayed there—men, women and sometimes families. It was a fitting tribute to Riley, and one that brought Trevor happiness and not a little peace.
The pictures in the closet had migrated out into the rest of the house as the years passed, the large one of Riley under the netting taking the spot of honor over the fireplace in the living room. Trevor had even placed one on the dresser in their bedroom, mystified when he’d keep finding it facedown no matter how many times he set it upright again.
Then he’d caught Jesse red-handed one morning.
“What’re you doing?” Trevor asked, lifting his eyebrows when Jesse snatched his hand away from the picture. “You’re the reason it keeps ending up facedown?”
Jesse’s mouth worked silently for a moment before he blurted, “God, it’s too much, Trevor. I can’t have sex with him staring at me! You’re his dad!”
The look on his face and the indignation in his voice made Trevor lose it, and he laughed until his sides hurt. “Got it. Picture’s out of here. Sorry, Riles.” He carried it to his office, still chuckling.
A babble from Serena caught his attention, and Trevor looked over to see that she was fully awake, waving her chubby little fists around as Jesse bounced her up and down on his arm. He was grinning at her, and she reached out to pat his cheek, giggling when he pretended to bite her fingers.
“Oh, Riley, I love them both so much.” He laid his palm flat over Riley’s name with a wistful smile. “I’m just glad I got to love you first.”
Trevor pushed to his feet, and before he headed over to join his little family, he turned back one more time.
“Merry Christmas, Riley James.”
* * * * *
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