Chapter Nineteen
“Wow, look at this view!” Trevor exclaimed, pushing the sliding glass doors open. Jesse tossed his things down on one of the beds before heading out to join him on the balcony, both of them leaning on their elbows against the railing.
“It’s incredible,” Jesse murmured, drinking in the sight of the sparkling ocean. “I’ll never get tired of it.”
Trevor tilted his face up toward the sky, the ever-present Hawaiian trade winds ruffling his thick brown hair. The mid-afternoon sunlight burnished his skin, and Jesse couldn’t help but trace his eyes over Trevor’s full lips and the strong curve of his jaw.
He snapped his gaze forward when Trevor turned his head to look at him. “So what’s the first thing you guys did when you got here? Head to the beach?”
Jesse laughed. “Honestly? The first thing we did was take probably thirty-minute showers. Total privacy, all the hot water you could ever want...heaven.” He sighed at the memory. “I’ve never felt anything so good in my life. By the time I was done with mine, Riley was out for the count, so I climbed into my bed and we slept for an entire day.”
Trevor narrowed his eyes against the sun, a pensive look on his face. “Wow. Yeah, Riley told me some about your living conditions over there, but I can’t imagine he told me the half of it.”
“The worst were the fleas.”
Trevor choked. “Really? Gross.”
“Yep. We all wore flea collars around our ankles, but that didn’t help much. They left me alone for the most part but Riley’s blood must’ve been really tasty.”
“Oh, God.”
“So imagine us, flea-bitten and exhausted, coming face-to-face with critter-free mattresses and clean white sheets.” Even Jesse could hear how dreamy his voice sounded, and he gave a self-conscious chuckle. “So yeah, that’s the first thing we did. Showered and slept.”
“Well, of course.” Trevor eyed Jesse, then the stretch of sand and water below. “I really wanna go walk on the beach, though. Can we?”
Jesse laughed again, almost breathless at the sight of Trevor’s smile. Carl, you’re a fool.
They headed inside and spent a quiet few minutes unpacking. At last Trevor stowed his empty suitcase in the closet. “Gonna change real quick. I feel extremely overdressed,” he said, unbuttoning his denim shirt and toeing off his loafers before disappearing into the bathroom with his swimsuit balled up in one hand.
Jesse finished putting his own things away, and soon Trevor was back wearing nothing but a pair of royal blue board shorts. “Do they have towels down by the beach or the pool, Jess? I didn’t think to bring any.”
Jesse licked his lips, tearing his eyes away from Trevor’s slim body, his smooth, bare chest. “Yeah,” he rasped, “the resort has full towel service. No worries.”
“Good.” Trevor bent to pick up his loafers and put them in the closet on top of his suitcase. He turned to Jesse, who was standing frozen in place. “Hey, stop daydreaming of your soft bed and let’s go,” he teased. “It’ll still be here when we get back.”
Jesse could feel his cheeks grow hot, and he hurriedly turned to rummage for his own swimsuit. Oh, fuck yeah, he was daydreaming of his bed—and of Trevor in it, naked underneath him, arms and legs wrapped around him...
“Be right back,” he muttered, fleeing to the bathroom. Jesse blew out a breath and propped his hands against the sink, staring at himself in the mirror. His eyes were bright, and his nipples were tingling, cock full and aching.
Okay, you’re attracted to him. So what? He’s good-looking, and you like him. A lot. It’s natural. Jesse leaned down and splashed his face with some cold water. You’re a grown man. You can control yourself.
He pulled his long-sleeved T-shirt up and over his head, wincing as the fabric brushed across hypersensitive skin. Two weeks in a hotel room with him. No problem. Keep busy.
“And jerk off in the shower every chance you get,” he snorted under his breath, palming his half-erect dick soothingly before stuffing it into his swimsuit. Another few deep breaths, and Jesse opened the door.
“Ready to go?”
* * *
“Whew.”
Trevor collapsed down into a chair and sprawled out, accepting the cold beer Jesse handed him with a weary groan.
“Tired?” Jesse sat down opposite him. “We walked a long way.”
Trevor took a huge swallow of his beer and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Tired, and a little overwhelmed by the crowds. I wonder if it’s always like this.”
They both gazed out toward the beach, still teeming with people at almost dusk. Jesse shrugged. “It was packed when Riley and I were here, too. Like the traffic, that’s another thing not really advertised in the travel brochures.”
“It’s beautiful, though.” Trevor stared at the ocean, the deep blue-green starting to glow pink with the setting sun. “The surf is calmer than I thought it’d be.”
“I’ll take you to some of the beaches Riley and I found, the ones the locals go to more than the tourists. Less crowded, great waves.” Jesse put his beer down and stretched his arms over his head, arching his back and sighing when it gave a satisfying pop. A bikini-clad woman passing by shot him an admiring glance, slowing down a little as if willing him to look her way. He didn’t, and clearly disappointed, the woman continued on down the path toward the sand.
Trevor laughed to himself, thinking of the young women at the baseball game. He eyed Jesse, the board shorts riding low on lean hips, a faded tank top showing off his broad shoulders.
It all made for one very attractive package, and Trevor certainly wasn’t immune.
“What’re you thinking about? You’re staring.”
Trevor fervently hoped his face didn’t look as red as it felt. “Oh. I, uh—nothing. Just wondering what we were gonna do tomorrow, that’s all.”
“Well, let’s see.” Jesse linked his hands behind his neck and gazed thoughtfully up at the sky. The pose made his biceps bulge and exposed the tufts of blond hair in his armpits, along with a glimpse of a firm brown nipple when his tank top shifted to the side. “Riley and I spent several days here in Waikiki before we branched out to other parts of the island. What did you have in mind? Do you want to follow along with what we did exactly, or play it by ear?”
Draining his beer, Trevor set the bottle down with a clink. “That depends,” he said drily, “on what you did in Waikiki. Did you go out clubbing every night, hook up?”
“We had our fun,” Jesse allowed, a bashful look crossing his face. “Riley, uh, actually went to a gay bar with me. Said it was only fair since I’d gone to so many straight clubs with him.”
“Yeah? How did that go? And I don’t need all the dirty details,” Trevor said hastily when Jesse winced. “I mean—”
“It was great,” Jesse cut in. “He danced with me. When guys hit on him—and guys hit on him a lot—he didn’t make a big deal of it by yelling how straight he was. He just said he was off the market. It was an awesome night.”
Trevor looked at him, picturing him sweaty from dancing, relaxed and having a good time with his best friend. I bet you were simply stunning that night, Jess. Those lucky men.
Pushing his own beer bottle away, Jesse stood. “How about we go for a sunset swim? Then we can shower and get ready for dinner, if you want.”
They left the bar and grabbed some towels from their resort’s towel cart before scuffing through the sand to an empty patch of beach. Trevor stripped his tank top off and followed Jesse to wade into the gentle surf. A wave surged up against Trevor’s thighs, and he yelped at the slight chill, earning himself a splash of water to the chest from a grinning Jesse.
“Wimp.”
With a gasp of outrage Trevor splashed him back, and laughing, they struck out away from shore, swimming for a few dozen yards before stopping to tread water and watch the setting sun. Despite the sky’s dazzling display, he couldn’t take his eyes off Jesse—skin sleek and golden in the dying light, his lips slightly parted with the exertion of swimming.
A sudden swell lifted him and pushed him up against Jesse, who wrapped his arm around him with a murmured “Whoops.” For a few moments they drifted together, bodies brushing, until Jesse let his arm drop away. The brief contact left Trevor tingling and hard again.
God, you really are a mess, Trev.
They swam leisurely until the light was gone, and at last made their way back to the beach to snatch up their towels. Quick showers, followed by a delicious dinner at a Japanese restaurant Jesse said was one of Riley’s favorite discoveries, and then Jesse suggested they wander the streets of Waikiki for a while.
“There’s an old outdoor marketplace a few blocks over that we got a kick out of.”
As they ambled down the sidewalks, Trevor gaped at the crowds, at the glitzy high-end stores, at the street performers. The night was warm and balmy, the breeze filled with the sound of people’s laughter, and music. Sunburned tourists streamed in and out of one high-rise hotel after the other, and nestled in the bustling middle of it all was what appeared to be a large open-air bazaar with a wooden sign stretching across the entrance proclaiming the International Market Place.
Trevor didn’t know what he was expecting, but he was charmed by the collection of kiosks with funny roofs, the live parrots and koi pond, the enormous old banyan tree. A tarot reader’s tiny bamboo booth nestled up against the tree’s trunk, which was covered in the graffiti of what must’ve been decades of visitors.
He and Jesse wandered through an endless maze of jewelry displays and kitschy souvenirs, and at one point Trevor’s eye fell on a small store selling what looked to be sauces and spice rubs.
“Kilauea Fire Barbecue Sauce?” he exclaimed, making a beeline for the entrance of the store. “I just have to try that!” He browsed the samples, dipping tiny cubes of bread into the different sauces. “Jesus. Fire, indeed,” he wheezed, fanning his face with his hand. “I’ll take it.”
As the smiling clerk rang up his purchase, Trevor noticed Jesse standing off to the side with his hands crammed in the pockets of his khaki shorts, his face pale.
“Mahalo,” the clerk called after them, and Trevor touched Jesse’s arm.
“You okay?”
Jesse’s lips were pressed tightly together. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he said at last. “Just a little tired.”
“Well, let’s call it a night, then. Come on.”
There was a T-shirt shop at the entrance to the marketplace, and when they passed it, Jesse glanced inside. A visible tremor went through him.
Trevor stopped. “Talk to me,” he ordered softly, and Jesse shook his head.
“No, I’m fine. It’s just that store—”
Trevor followed his gaze. There was nothing special about the store. In fact, the T-shirts on display were ones Trevor had seen at least a dozen times already, mass-produced, some with stupid sayings on them. There were racks of them arrayed on the sidewalk, tourists browsing through them.
All of a sudden Trevor could picture it so clearly—Jesse and Riley holding up the shirts, cracking up at the double entendres on some of them, goofing off. Young men letting off steam after doing a dangerous job, maybe a little tipsy, laughing at the parrots and the more tacky souvenirs, buying a few things...
Realization slammed into Trevor like a tidal wave.
“Oh, Jess, this is your zoo, isn’t it?”
Jesse’s eyes were awash in tears now. “What?”
“The place where you feel him,” Trevor said softly, “convinced if you turn around at just the right moment, he’ll be standing there.”
Jesse’s breath hitched in his throat. “We came here our last night in Honolulu, and I was tired and wanted coffee. Riley said he’d look around inside the T-shirt store while I went to find some.” He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Passing it just now, I got the feeling that if I go in there, he’ll still be waiting for me. I can almost see him.”
Trevor ached at the pain echoing in Jesse’s voice. “Yeah. Sometimes the memories seem so close to the surface, it’s almost unbearable.”
“He wanted to buy you those sauces,” Jesse said abruptly.
“What? You mean this?” Trevor held up the bag of barbecue sauce, and Jesse nodded.
“He had three picked out, including that same one.”
“Really?”
Jesse rushed on. “I didn’t think the glass bottles would survive the trip, so I talked him out of it.” His face suffused with trepidation. “I’m sorry.”
“Oh my God.” Trevor couldn’t help but smile. “It’s okay, Jess.”
“But he wanted to get you a gift, and I cheated you—”
“Out of nothing,” Trevor interrupted, moving closer to him. “You’ve cheated me out of nothing, and you’ve given me everything. Don’t you see that?”
When Jesse shook his head mutely, Trevor went on, “Because of you, I’m able to see what Riley saw, smell what he smelled, experience what he did. It helps to hear he was thinking of me, that he knew me well enough to know I’d love these sauces.” He reached up to brush Jesse’s tears away, letting his thumb linger along his cheek. “So thank you. Thanks for letting me see my son through you.”
Jesse’s lips trembled. “I miss him. I miss him so much.”
Trevor slid his hand to the back of Jesse’s neck. “I know.”
With a small sob, Jesse reached out to wrap his arms around Trevor, pulling him close. His body was shaking, tremors of grief Trevor knew only too well wracking him from head to toe. All around them the world ebbed and flowed, oblivious to the fact a twenty-year-old boy had been torn from it, leaving behind two people who’d loved him and who now clung together, their shared pain a strange sort of comfort.
Trevor stroked Jesse’s hair as he shuddered against him, biting his own lip against the tears that stung his eyes. This was Jesse’s fight, his zoo, and Trevor marshaled every ounce of composure he could, determined to be strong in return for this man who’d given him so much.
“It’s okay,” he murmured over and over. “It’s okay to miss him. I miss him, too.”
With a ragged sigh Jesse finally loosened his grip, but he kept one arm around Trevor’s shoulders as they walked, so it was only natural for Trevor to slide his around Jesse’s waist in return.
“I’m sorry,” Jesse rasped. “I didn’t mean to lose it like that, but that memory hit me like a ton of bricks.”
“God, grief is so weird, Jess. It’s like, I don’t have a problem being in the backyard, but the thought of going into his room makes me want to hyperventilate. You’d think it’d be the opposite, since the backyard is the last place he spent any time at home in, and he hadn’t been living in his room for a while. But—”
Jesse tightened his arm, and he was so solid and warm against Trevor’s side, Trevor let himself melt against him. Their hips bumped together as they strolled, their bodies a perfect fit.
“I’ve been wondering—” Jesse broke off uncertainly, and Trevor gave him a squeeze.
“What?”
“Why you had him buried at Arlington instead of the Springs. I would’ve thought you’d want to keep him close to you.” Jesse’s thumb stroked along Trevor’s shoulder as he spoke, trying to soothe as Trevor involuntarily tensed. “You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to.”
Trevor squeezed him again. “No, no. It’s a fair question. I’d intended to have him interred in Colorado, but during those first weeks, I got some emails. From your lieutenant, a couple of the guys in your platoon. Obviously none of you could be at the funeral, but those emails let me know you were all there in spirit. It just—it hit me, how much you all loved each other. When Riley’d call me during his refit, it was like pulling teeth to get him to talk about himself, but he’d go on and on about all of you.”
Jesse chuckled, the sound hoarse and a little sad. “We were all pretty tight.”
“I know, and so when it came down to it, I thought Riley should be with his brothers and sisters in arms. I wanted him to have the reverence and honor he deserves, his sacrifice acknowledged by everyone who visits.” Trevor paused. “He’s where he belongs, Jess. It’s a decision I don’t regret.”
Jesse didn’t say anything, just settled his arm more firmly around Trevor’s shoulders, encouraging Trevor to lean against him. When they reached the entrance to their hotel and the path that led down to the beach, Jesse said, “I think I’m gonna go for a short walk. See you back in the room?”
Trevor nodded, and they let go of each other slowly. The tropical breeze was warm and caressing, the moonlight bright, turning Jesse’s hair into a halo of silver. On impulse Trevor reached up to cup his cheek.
“You okay?”
Jesse closed his eyes for a brief moment. “Yeah. I’ll be up soon.” He turned to disappear down the path toward the sound of crashing waves in the distance.
Trevor watched him go, then headed up to their room. He pulled on a pair of cotton sleep pants and climbed into bed to stare up at the ceiling. Despite the sad end to the evening, he couldn’t help but feel the tiniest bit warm inside, all because Jesse had finally allowed himself to break down in front of him. It was the first time he’d let Trevor see the true depths of his grief, and the level of trust it must have taken him to do that...
Ah, Jess.
He sighed. God, it’d been so good to hold him, to walk arm in arm with him down the street. Trevor’s fingertips tingled with the memory of Jesse’s stubbly cheek under them, the wetness of tears. It’d felt so good to touch and be touched again.
Almost too good. Trevor ran his palm over the soft sheets, the bed feeling huge and empty. He closed his eyes—imagining the soft click of the hotel room door, followed by the rustle of clothes being shed, the mattress dipping as a big, warm body slid in behind him, strong arms wrapping him up and pulling him close...
With a groan, Trevor turned on his side and hugged his pillow to his chest, eventually drifting off into a restless sleep.