Chapter Twenty-Four
The plane took off with a roar, banking out over the crystal blue water. On the way home at last.
Trevor studied Jesse’s profile, his long eyelashes resting against his cheek, the slight curve to his lips, wondering what was on his mind. Their last night in their little cabin? Ah, to sleep in a man’s arms again... Trevor sighed, thinking about how every time he’d moved, Jesse had moved with him, as if he couldn’t bear to be separated from him by even a few inches. It was the best night’s sleep Trevor could remember having since Riley died.
I could really get used to this.
Doubts about what kind of future they could have swirled and chased themselves around inside Trevor’s mind, but he shoved them down before they could take root. He’d been as honest with him as he could, and despite his youth, Jesse was still one of the most mature, level-headed men Trevor knew. He had to trust in that, trust that Jesse was going into this with his eyes wide-open. What else could he do?
As if feeling the weight of Trevor’s perusal, Jesse opened his eyes. He searched Trevor’s face for a moment, then reached over and took his hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. The quiet understanding calmed him as it always did, and he relaxed, leaning against Jesse’s shoulder as the plane flew on.
After one short delay in Denver, they at last trudged wearily into the Colorado Springs terminal, Trevor ready for nothing more than a hot shower and his soft bed.
“I figured we’d just catch cabs home,” Jesse said as they waited at baggage claim. “Karen’s at work, so—”
“Of course.”
The carousel finally rumbled to life to deliver their suitcases, and before long they were standing awkwardly at the curb next to the cab stand.
“I, uh, I guess I’ll head out, then.” Jesse shifted his carry-on bag from one shoulder to the other.
“You working tomorrow?”
Shrugging, Jesse started towing his suitcase toward one of the waiting taxis. “Not sure. I told Karen I’d give her a call when I was home and settled.”
The driver hurried around the front of the car to take Jesse’s bags and load them in the trunk. Hating the fact there were so many people around with no privacy for a proper goodbye, Trevor pulled him into a loose hug.
“Thanks for everything, Jess,” he whispered into his ear. “I’ll call you in a few days, okay? I think I’m going to need some decompression time.”
“Hey, I’m not going anywhere,” Jesse interrupted, pulling away with a squeeze to Trevor’s shoulder. “You know where to find me.”
Trevor nodded, and Jesse pursed his lips at him in an unobtrusive air kiss before climbing into the back seat of the cab and roaring away.
“Taxi, sir?”
The hopeful voice at his shoulder startled Trevor into action, and he tore his eyes away from watching Jesse’s taillights disappear into the distance. “Yep, I’m ready,” he said with false heartiness, and soon he was standing in the foyer of his house, the air a little stale and the silence oppressive.
Now what?
Leaving his bags strewn haphazardly by the front door, Trevor made his way to the backyard and dropped down into his favorite chair, sprawling out with a sigh. He gazed around, taking in the immaculate landscaping, the pool, all of it ready for the summer to come.
God, how he loved this house. The memories swirled together in his mind, a kaleidoscope of color and warmth—Riley, and then Carl—every single one, good and bad, still infinitely precious.
Like moving day, Riley at age fourteen, desperate to act cool but unable to contain his excitement over it all. After years of hard work, saving and cramming themselves into tiny apartments, this was the reward.
Trevor bit his lip. So many memories, of sleepovers, missed curfews, arguments, homework. The thought of listing the house, showing it, letting strangers tramp through it with thoughts of making memories of their own here...
No.
Leaving the backyard, Trevor grabbed up his bags and headed toward the master to dump them on the bed, then made his way down the opposite hall toward Riley’s room. He flattened his palm on the closed door, the same old grief and anxiety flaring to life at the thought of going inside.
“What am I gonna do, Riles?” he asked aloud, his voice hoarse. “I think it’s time, but I—I can’t—”
No answer, just silence. Trevor clenched his hand into a fist. By now, if nothing else, he understood what his limits were, and dealing with Riley’s room was still beyond them. Of course he could leave it alone, leave it as is, but the idea of it sitting here untouched like some sort of goddamn shrine—
Trevor leaned his forehead against the door, his tired eyes dry and burning. If he was going to keep the house, he had to deal with the room somehow. He had to deal with this splinter under his skin, one that might be easy to ignore but painful when pressed on, one that would relentlessly work its way deeper...
Something had to be done about it.
But what?
* * *
“I left him three days ago, Jesse.”
“Oh, Sami.” Jesse clutched the phone. “I’m so sorry.” He listened to her uneven breaths, his heart aching for Watty. “What are you gonna do?”
“I’m, uh, going to take the kids and move back to North Carolina, stay with my parents for a while.” Her voice was sad and weary. “Having to go bail him out of jail the other night was the last straw.”
“I know.”
“A bar fight. Really?” The underlying anger was palpable. “After spending almost his entire paycheck on some stupid tattoo, then drinking up the rest? I’m done, Jesse.” Sami caught her breath in a sob. “You probably think I’m a horrible bitch, don’t you, leaving my husband and kicking him when he’s down.”
“No way,” Jesse interrupted gently. “I’d never judge you. You have your kids to think of.”
“He still refuses to go back to the VA. I made an appointment for him and he blew it off. He’s scaring me, scaring the boys.”
“Has he—” Jesse swallowed hard, afraid of the answer. “Has he hit them? You?”
“No.”
Jesse slumped in relief, tightening his grip on the phone again when she went on, “But he’s come close a few times. He’s just so—so angry.” She trailed off. “I don’t know how to help him. I just don’t know how to help him.”
“I’ll talk to him.”
Sami gave a watery sniff. “He’s not your responsibility, Jesse.”
“No, but he’s my friend.”
A short silence, and then she sighed. “Maybe if anyone can get through to him, you can.”
After promises to keep her posted, Jesse hung up. He dropped his head to the back of the couch and stared up at the ceiling for a few moments before picking up the phone again.
“What the fuck, dude?” he said without preamble when Watkins answered. “You’d rather lose your family than go to the fucking VA?”
“You don’t know shit about nothin’, Byrney.” Watkins’ voice was slurred and hoarse. “Leave me alone.”
“Uh-uh. I didn’t drag your ass outta the Valley only to watch you fuck your life up now. I’m coming over.”
As he drove across town, Jesse clenched his fingers on the wheel, feeling helpless and out of his depth, praying for wisdom. Evan needed professional help, but it was clear he also needed a friend. If Jesse could help bridge the gap between the two, well, he’d give it his best shot. He owed him at least that much.
The fucking Korengal didn’t deserve yet another victim.
Pulling up in front of the Watkinses’ small house, Jesse parked his truck and sat breathing deeply, gathering his composure. There was movement on the porch and Jesse saw Evan drop into a chair and slouch there, waiting, so Jesse got out of the car and headed toward him.
Although the front yard was well kept, the pavers on the walkway were a little uneven, and Jesse caught his toe on one and stumbled, catching himself with a curse.
Watkins chuckled. “Fuckin’ jerk.”
“Fuck you.”
Jesse made it to the porch and leaned down to give him a hug and a back thump, noticing he was freshly showered, smelling of mouthwash. As he settled into a chair next to him, Evan turned bloodshot eyes on him, a rueful twist to his mouth.
“Sami call you?”
Jesse grunted an affirmative.
“She was so pissed, dude.” Evan heaved a disgusted sigh. “The fuckin’ kicker is I don’t even remember what started that bar fight.”
“You mean other than a bunch of drunk guys running their mouths?”
Evan snorted. “Probably. Somebody said something to piss me off. Doesn’t take much, Byrney, you know. To piss me off.”
“I know.”
They sat quietly, watching cars go by on the street, lifting their hands in idle waves when an elderly couple strolled past walking their dog. Evan jiggled his leg up and down so hard Jesse could feel the vibration in the porch.
“You look good,” Evan muttered at last. “You been to a tanning booth or something?”
Jesse glanced down at himself. “No. I actually just got back from vacation with a...friend.”
“Must be fuckin’ nice.”
“It was.”
“Where’d you go?”
Jesse hesitated for a moment. “Hawaii.”
“Again? Must be really fuckin’ nice. I mean, you ain’t got no family, no responsibilities. Why not live it up?”
Jesse stayed quiet, letting Evan vent. What else could he do?
“You don’t got anyone expecting shit from you, expecting you to be the way you used to be before.”
“That’s right, Watty.” Jesse gritted his teeth. “I don’t have anyone.”
“Lucky fuck.”
A memory flashed, of disembarking from the plane at the Air Force base after the long flight from Italy, children detaching themselves from the cheering crowd only to run and fling their arms around their daddies’ legs. Wives and girlfriends, in pretty dresses and with happy tears on their cheeks, followed not far behind. Jesse’d stood there alone, watching the tender reunions, his chest aching as he thought of Riley’s dad, whose only son wouldn’t be coming home...
He cleared his throat, croaking, “You’re the lucky one, Watty.”
“Uh-huh.” Evan stood and leaned against the porch railing, arms crossed over his chest. “That’s what everyone says. ‘You’re lucky to be alive.’ ‘You’re a hero.’” His lips twisted. “‘Thanks. For. Your. Fuckin’. Service.’” He punctuated the last five words with fist taps against the railing.
“I never know what to say to that either.”
Evan was silent for a moment. “Do you feel like a hero, Byrney?”
Jesse paused before standing as well and propping his hip on the railing to face him. “No.”
“I was scared shitless over there at first, remember? Weak, whiny, a total loser.”
“I wouldn’t say that,” Jesse said mildly, “but yeah, I remember you struggled a little at first.”
“Fuckin’ hated it. Hated the Army, hated Afghanistan, hated everything.” Evan tilted his head back against the porch support and stared up at the sky. “But then I survived my first firefight—” he ran his finger absently over the tiny scar on his cheek, the result of the ricochet that scratched him and earned the contempt of the outgoing unit “—and it was such a goddamn rush. Never felt anything like that before. The anger, the adrenaline, the power.”
Jesse thought of the intensity of combat—the way time seemed to stand still, everything around him happening with such clarity, such hyperawareness, almost as if he was in a movie or video game. There really was nothing like it. He nodded in agreement.
“Over there I found something I’d never had, Jess. Ever.”
“What?”
Evan looked at him. “Acceptance,” he said simply. “Brotherhood, camaraderie. As much as it sucked ass, it was also like some sort of—some sort of utopia, you know? No one cared what your grades were in school, or if your dad was in jail, or if you had to get married ’cause you knocked up the first and only girl you’d ever slept with. The only thing anyone cared about was if you showed up on time for your turn at watch, or if you dug the hell outta that foxhole, or filled the hell outta those sandbags. Simple.”
Jesse considered that. Over there life was harrowing, and dangerous, and full of uncertainty, but at its heart it was simple. Their world was the platoon and the mission—not God, not country, not what was going on back home. Adrenaline and anger were friends, what kept the fear at bay and heightened all the senses until the blood rushing through their veins felt like white-hot lava.
“Those first few months at home,” Evan went on, “were awesome, weren’t they? Clean clothes, soft bed, loving family. We finally had everything we’d fought so hard to get back to.”
“Right.” Jesse kept his voice quiet.
Evan closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sometimes it feels like my body’s here, but my mind’s still there. When Sami moves my stuff without asking, all I can fuckin’ think about is not having my gear where I need it to be so I can grab it if we get attacked. The other day she moved my cell phone and keys while she was straightening up, and when I couldn’t find them, I went ballistic, yelled at her and got in her face like she was some cherry who fucked up her assignment in Afghanistan and put us all in danger.”
“It’s combat mode, Watty. Survival mode. It takes time to undo those instincts.”
“If there’s ever a loud noise, I’m hittin’ the ground. We had some people over and one of Sami’s friends dropped a pan or something.” Evan flinched at the memory. “I ate dirt in front of everyone, man. You shoulda seen their faces.”
Another memory surfaced—a night in Waikiki walking on the beach with Trevor, one of the nearby hotels setting off some fireworks after a luau. With no warning it was coming, Jesse dropped into a crouch, head swiveling, looking for the source of the gunfire. Trevor had noticed, but turned his back without comment in order to give Jesse some privacy to collect himself.
“Sami wants me to go to the mall with her, but it’s too crowded. I can’t take A.J. to karate because it’s right next to this, I don’t know, Middle Eastern restaurant place or whatever.” Evan shuddered. “The smells, sometimes the people going in there, reminds me of the goddamned villages.”
“Watty, have you tried talking to her?” Jesse asked helplessly. “You can’t expect her to read your mind, dude.”
“I can’t sleep for more’n a few hours at a time, so I drink till I pass out. You think she wants to hear all this shit?”
“I think she wants to understand you, brother. There’s no way you were gonna come back the same person as before you left, and I can’t imagine she expected that. If you don’t talk to her—”
“She calls me distant, unavailable.” Evan stared down at the floor. “Says I don’t care. I do care. It’s just...parts of me are dead, Byrney. I don’t know how to relate to her anymore. I don’t know how to help her relate to me.”
“Estes said that exact same thing to me once.”
Evan froze at the mention of Riley’s name, but Jesse pushed on.
“About his dad. I don’t think there’s a single one of us who hasn’t felt that way, man. You’re not alone.” Jesse crouched in front of him, forcing him to meet his eyes. “Why don’t you talk to someone about it? Holding it in, or taking it out on yourself and your family, is gonna fuck you up even more.”
Shaking his head, Evan growled, “How can I talk to anyone about this shit? What I’ve seen. What I’ve done.” A shudder ran through him.
“But how can you not, bud?” Jesse asked gently. “It’s eating you alive.” He put his hand over Evan’s, which was trembling, and squeezed. “You don’t have to live like this.”
Evan blinked rapidly, his eyes glistening with tears, but then he ripped his hand away and stood up again, forcing Jesse to fall back on his ass.
“Easy for you to say,” he sneered. “Perfect Jesse Byrne.”
Jesse stared up at him from where he was sprawled on the porch floor. “Perfect? What the hell are you talking about?”
“Oh, yeah. Perfect Byrney. Perfect soldier, perfect friend. Not a screwup, not—” He broke off, the tears finally spilling over. “Not fucked up.”
Evan wiped his face on his sleeve before reaching down to haul Jesse to his feet. With a sigh he leaned his butt against the railing, arms crossed over his chest, head down.
Jesse mirrored his pose, his heart aching for him. “We all came home fucked up, Watty. It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help with it.”
“Did you ask for help?” Evan demanded, and his eyes widened when Jesse nodded.
“Yeah, I did. After months of nightmares, not sleeping, grief, rage...”
“So you went to a shrink?” Evan’s voice was disbelieving.
“Yes.”
Evan grunted. “What, some asshole who threw pills at you and looked at you like this when you told him about killing people?” He made an exaggerated grimace of distaste, pursing his mouth like a disapproving old aunt.
“It was someone at the Vet Center, and no, he didn’t prescribe me any fuckin’ pills. He’s a combat vet, and what he did was listen to me and help me work through some stuff.”
Jesse could see Evan considering that.
“A shrink who’s a combat vet?” he asked tentatively. “Not just some guy who works in the system and tries to fuck you over?”
“He was in Fallujah. Does that tell you anything? He was in the shit, and he lost guys over there. Dude, he knew exactly what I was going through, and he didn’t bullshit me for one minute. Listen.” Jesse turned to face him. “He told me the anger, this feeling of disconnect, all of it, it’s normal, man. You’re not sick, or weak, or mentally ill. Transitioning home from war is a process, Watty. Cut yourself some slack.”
Evan’s lips trembled. “How can I?” he forced out. “When it’s all m-my fault?”
Here we go.
With a trembling hand Jesse reached out to grip Evan’s shoulder and look him right in the eyes, praying once again for wisdom. “Hey. Imagine Estes was in front of you right now. Don’t you think he’d be fuckin’ pissed to know you’re blaming yourself so much for his death that you’re letting it ruin your life? Think about it. He would’ve gladly taken that bullet for you if he’d been given the choice. You would’ve gladly taken it for him if you’d been given it. But you weren’t. The bullet chose.”
Evan sobbed once, pulling away. “I need a beer.”
“No, you don’t.” Jesse held on to him. “You need to grieve for him, Watty. Stop burying it under your guilt. Stop trying to be what you think a hero should be. A hero asks for help. A strong man asks for help.”
Settling both hands firmly on Evan’s shoulders, Jesse croaked, “Steer into the skid, brother. Someone brave, and so goddamned strong I will be in awe of him for the rest of my life, told me that. Steer into it, and don’t be afraid. You’re not alone.”
Jesse didn’t wipe away the tears on his own cheeks, letting Evan see them. After a moment Evan slumped back against the railing again. “I feel alone,” he admitted hollowly. “It’s like everyone thinks because you made it home, you must be okay. You ain’t missin’ any arms or legs, so you must be fine. Right?”
“Yeah.”
“No one wants to hear about it, not really. No one wants to hear that if you could, you’d take a fuckin’ helicopter back there tomorrow.” He tensed as if expecting a blow, peeping up at Jesse.
Jesse nodded. “I’d take one back there today.”
Now Evan’s tears started to flow in earnest. “God, I felt so fucked up thinking that, Byrney. Sami would go apeshit if she knew, man. Jesus.”
“That guy I talked to told me all that was normal, too.”
Evan wiped his nose on the back of his hand. “Fuck, you really did talk about everything.”
“I did. Everything. About Estes, too.”
Evan’s face grew shuttered, and Jesse plowed on, “Survivor’s guilt. Why did I duck and not let the bullet hit me? If I hadn’t dodged, he’d still be alive.” The memory of Riley’s shocked eyes, the blood spurting, made his gut roil, nausea surging into his throat.
“What? There were two bullets, Byrney! One right after the other. If you hadn’t ducked, I’d have two dead brothers, not one.”
“I didn’t remember that, until I started talking about it, going through what happened that day second by second.” Jesse swallowed hard, forcing down the bile. “I’ll always struggle with it, man, that I lived and Estes died. When he had a dad waiting for him and I have no one. It should’ve been me.” He choked. “It should’ve been me.”
It was Evan’s turn to grip Jesse’s shoulder, his eyes filled with his own tears of understanding.
“But it didn’t happen that way, and I can’t go back and change it. That’s what I have to accept.”
“How exactly does that work, acceptance?” Evan almost spat the last word.
“What the doc told me is that acceptance doesn’t mean making peace with his death or finding purpose in it, that it was karma or fuckin’ ‘God’s will.’” Jesse gave a watery snort as he made mocking air quotes with his fingers. “What a bunch of bullshit.”
“What does it mean, then?”
“Just...acknowledging that it hurts, letting out all the feelings related to it and not keeping them bottled in.” Jesse dashed his hand over his eyes. “Like I said, I still struggle with it. But it’s better than it was a year ago, Evan. I’ve tried to face it, and accept that nothing I can do will ever change it.” He hesitated. “I, uh, I’ve actually been spending some time with his dad.”
“What?” Evan gasped. “Estes’s dad? Why?”
“I took him over some of Riley’s stuff that I found, and I—it just turned into us helping each other.” He paused again, steeling himself for Evan’s reaction. “He’s the one I went to Hawaii with.”
Gaping at him, Evan clutched his hair. “I don’t even know what to say to that. Again, why?”
Jesse shrugged, unable to meet his eyes. “It was a trip they were supposed to take together when he got back. Since I’m the one who went with him, his dad wanted to experience it through my eyes and hopefully Riley’s, too.”
“Shit. Did it help him?” Evan’s voice was hushed.
“Yes, it did. It helped both of us because seeing that it helped him helped me.” Jesse sighed. “The point is, Watty, we faced our grief head on, and we did it together. You don’t have to face it alone either.”
Evan’s face drained of all color. “I can’t—I don’t want to see his dad. God, no.”
“No, no, no. I’m not saying that. Breathe, man.” Jesse held his arm until he steadied, letting go of him cautiously. “I’m saying talk to someone. Me, Dr. K, another combat vet you know and trust.”
“If I talk to you, will you take me to Hawaii, too?”
Jesse was beyond relieved to hear a faint note of humor coloring Evan’s hoarse voice. “Nah. But we could go camping.”
“What? Really?” Evan lifted his head, his eyes bright with a cautious interest. “You’d go camping with me?”
“Sure. Maybe we could grab Smitty, too. I think he’s around somewhere.”
“Fuck, that would be awesome. Hike in somewhere, do some fishing...”
“Let’s do it.” Jesse paused. “No beer, though. Okay?”
Evan blew out a breath. “Okay. No beer.”
“Great.” Jesse clapped him on the shoulder. “Tell you what. I’m gonna let you plan this clusterfuck. Get with Smitty, Enriquez, whoever you can find, and lemme know some dates. Figure out a route, make a list. This is your mission, PFC Watkins. Think you can handle it?”
“Yes, sir!” Watty snapped to attention, but instead of saluting, he took his middle finger and stroked it along his forehead, a smirk on his face.
“Fuck you.” Jesse shoved him before putting him in a headlock and scrubbing his knuckles over Watty’s short brown hair. They grappled for a moment, ending up in a backslapping hug, and when Jesse pulled away, he could see a few of the shadows were banished from Evan’s eyes.
“Call me, brother.” He waggled his thumb and pinkie next to his cheek and turned to jog to his truck. As he drove away, Evan stood on his porch watching him go, and Jesse clenched his fingers on the steering wheel, his body trembling with delayed reaction, hoping and praying he’d said the right thing.
Evan’s demons were many, and they were fierce. Jesse had learned firsthand that talking about painful experiences didn’t make them one iota less painful, but somehow it also made it possible to live with them. If he could get Watty to open up to him, to Smitty, Enriquez, whomever, maybe eventually he could convince him to talk to a professional, too.
Bridging the gap.
Jesse heaved a deep sigh, weary to his soul. Reliving the horror of Riley’s death always took so much out of him. That sick, hollow snap of the bullet, the soft grunt as Riley’d taken it right in the throat...
“Stop it, Byrne! Jesus.” Jesse pounded his fist on the steering wheel, forcing the memories back. As he drove, he thought about the night stretching out before him and wanted to cry. It’d be fucking endless, because he doubted he’d be able to sleep now.
Shit, he wished he could call Trevor. He missed him. It’d been almost a week since they’d gotten home from Hawaii, and he hadn’t heard a word from him. Determined to give him his space no matter the cost, Jesse had left him alone, diving back into his work at Jelly’s in the desperate hope of keeping himself distracted.
Suddenly his phone vibrated in his pocket, startling him. He whipped his truck to the curb and pulled it out, a smile breaking over his face at the number on the display.
“Hey. I was wondering when you’d call.”
“Missed me, did you?” Trevor’s voice was husky and warm, and Jesse couldn’t help but give a delicious shiver at the sound of it.
Oh, yeah.
“Longest week of my life.” He didn’t bother to disguise the longing that turned his own voice raspy, and Trevor caught his breath.
“Mmm. How about you head on over, then? We can grill out, skinny dip...”
“On my way.” Jesse shoved the truck into gear, Trevor’s throaty chuckle as he said goodbye shooting to every erogenous zone Jesse had.
Driving with a hard-on sucked, he thought to himself ruefully when at last he pulled into Trevor’s driveway and eased to a stop next to his sleek sedan, unable to help but notice the oil stain left behind by whatever Carl used to drive. As he rolled over it, Jesse clenched his teeth, his arousal making the jealousy and possessiveness now roaring through him feel almost primal.
He pulled in deep breaths through his nose and blew them out of his mouth until a measure of control returned, where it promptly flew out the window again when Trevor opened the front door to his knock a few seconds later, shirtless and barefoot in a pair of low-slung jeans.
All mine.
Jesse yanked Trevor against him and lowered his head to kiss him roughly. Trevor thrust his fingers into Jesse’s hair and gave as good as he got, driving his tongue deep, licking into Jesse’s mouth and nipping at his lips.
Jesse grabbed Trevor’s ass and squeezed, sliding his hands down to the backs of his thighs, boosting him up. Trevor wrapped his legs around his waist, and Jesse carried him into the kitchen to set him down gently on the edge of the counter.
“Hi,” he murmured, kissing the tip of Trevor’s nose.
“Hey.” Trevor brushed some hair off Jesse’s forehead, smiling up at him. “I thought I was about to be ravished right there in the doorway.”
“Don’t think I wasn’t tempted. It’s all your fault, opening that door, looking so sexy.” Jesse smoothed his palms up Trevor’s splayed thighs and settled them on his hips. “I missed you.”
Trevor pulled his head down again, and they kissed lazily, hands roaming.
“What’ve you been up to?” Jesse asked, panting, when they broke apart again.
“Well, let’s see.” Trevor tilted his head back as if in thought, and Jesse took advantage, leaning in to press his lips to the hollow of his throat. With a breathless moan, Trevor gasped, “Other than laundry and other mundane things, I actually spent most of my time cleaning out the garage.”
“Really?” Jesse, mouthing his way up Trevor’s neck, paused. “Thinking about listing the house?” The words came out sounding tense despite his best efforts to keep them casual.
Trevor shook his head. “No.” He tightened his legs around Jesse’s waist, digging his fingers into his shoulders. “I’ve, uh, decided not to move.”
Relief made Jesse go weak in the knees, but he did his best not to let it show. “Good,” was all he said, and he nuzzled the underside of Trevor’s chin.
“I want to make room in the garage to store the things from Riley’s room.” Trevor sifted his fingers through Jesse’s hair, the expression on his face turning pensive. “After I donate the furniture, that is. But his trophies, keepsakes, things like that, I’ll put away for, uh, someday.” He gave a helpless shrug.
“You know I’ll—” Before Jesse could offer his help, the oven timer dinged, and Trevor made a pleased sound, pushing Jesse gently away.
“I made a cake for dessert,” he announced, hopping off the counter to grab up an oven mitt. “Lemon.”
Jesse sat at the island and watched as Trevor busied himself with dinner prep.
“Anything I can do?” he asked.
In answer Trevor poured him a glass of wine and brought it to him. “Nope. Just sit there and look pretty for me,” he teased. Opening the fridge, he pulled out a colorful array of vegetables before setting out a knife and cutting board. “Tell me what you’ve been up to.”
As Trevor chopped, Jesse told him a little about Watty and Sami, leaving out Watty’s connection to Riley. “He needs to keep busy, so at some point I’ll be taking a few days to go camping with him and maybe a couple of our other buddies.”
Trevor handed him a set of wire skewers, instructing Jesse to thread the bite-size pieces of vegetables onto them. “I’d imagine that’ll be cathartic for all of you.” He didn’t look at Jesse as he said casually, “You know, I’d love to meet them someday. Your teammates, the ones not at the party.”
Pausing in the act of spearing a piece of red pepper, Jesse swallowed hard, remembering Watty’s horror when he thought Jesse was suggesting that very thing. “Uh...”
“Only if they want to,” Trevor went on perceptively. “And I won’t be asking any of the hard questions. I’ve made my peace with that part of it. I’d just love to put some more faces to the names Riley used to mention on the phone, that’s all.”
At that Jesse got up from his stool and slid his arms around Trevor’s waist. “I promise I’ll mention it,” he murmured, placing a gentle kiss behind Trevor’s ear.
Trevor leaned back against him with a tiny sigh, and they cuddled for a moment until Trevor pointed his knife at the half-finished skewers. “Veggies,” he ordered. Jesse let go of him with a show of reluctance, dragging his hands along Trevor’s bare belly and giving one ass cheek a smack as he moved away.
“Yes, sir.”
While Jesse threaded skewers diligently, Trevor headed out to preheat the grill. Finally finishing the last of the kebabs, he put them all on a plate and carried them out to Trevor, who was leaning against the bar, glass of wine in hand.
“Thanks, honey.” Trevor took the veggies from him, and Jesse couldn’t resist leaning in for a kiss.
He perched at the bistro table with his own wine, watching Trevor move back and forth from kitchen to grill, the mouthwatering smell of steaks soon filling the air. Trevor brought out some plates and silverware so Jesse set the table, topping off their glasses just as Trevor slid the meat onto a platter alongside the skewers.
As they ate, they chatted about favorite movies and TV shows, Jesse raising his eyebrows when Trevor confessed an affinity for raunchy sex comedies.
“I’d never have guessed,” Jesse teased, enjoying the flush on Trevor’s cheeks.
“Why? Because I’m old, and I should be watching ‘Masterpiece Theatre’ or some shit like that? I like American Pie!”
“You’re so cute when you’re embarrassed.” Jesse stroked Trevor’s calf under the table with his bare foot. “I love it.”
“What’s your guilty pleasure?” Trevor asked challengingly, narrowing his eyes.
Jesse shrugged. “What’s any closeted gay boy’s guilty pleasure? Gay porn.”
“Oh, yeah?” Trevor sat back in his chair and gazed at Jesse over the rim of his wineglass. “What’s your favorite type of scene?”
“Um, a sex scene?”
Trevor rolled his eyes, and Jesse laughed. “Seriously. I just want to watch two men fuck. I’m not that discerning.” He paused. “I didn’t get to watch it all that often anyway, since I was hardly ever alone and also terrified of one of the guys finding out, seeing it in my history or whatever.”
“I can’t even imagine that kind of stress, and I’ve been out almost my entire life. There were times that it wasn’t easy, of course, but not anything like what you had to deal with.”
Jesse twirled his wineglass between his palms. “That’s why I reacted the way I did the night of the party, you know? Seeing what I wanted but couldn’t have, all up in my face like that. It made me sad and angry, and the alcohol didn’t help.”
Sighing, Trevor put his own glass down. “We were such different people back then, weren’t we?”
There was a short silence as they both pondered the rhetorical question, and Jesse rubbed his foot over the top of Trevor’s.
“Why did you get into accounting? Was that like your life’s ambition or something?”
Trevor snorted. “Hardly. When Riley was a baby I got a job as a bank teller, and I found that I really enjoyed the precision of numbers, the black and white of it. I mean, your drawer either balanced or it didn’t. There was a...kind of beauty to it, a simplicity.”
Jesse thought of a young Trevor, crushed under the weight of responsibility and uncertainty, finding comfort in that simplicity.
“When Riley started school and my aunt had her days free again, I took college classes in the evening. Eventually I got my degree, my CPA, and started my own business.” Trevor reached for the bottle and trickled the last little bit of wine into his glass, swirling it around. “After Riley died, I farmed most of my clients out to colleagues. I kept a couple, the ones who are friends more than clients, you know? I knew they’d be patient, understanding, and I’d done their work for years so it wasn’t like it was too taxing.” He shrugged. “The rest are lost to me now, and the thought of starting over...”
“What are you going to do?”
Trevor gazed around the backyard. “I’m going to use some of Riley’s SGLI to pay off the house. He loved this house, and he’d want that, I think. I’ll invest some of the remainder, and like I said before, I want to put some of it to work helping veterans and their families.”
“Sounds like you’ve really thought it through.”
Trevor blew out a breath. “It’s a process. And yeah, it feels good to have sort of a long-term plan. How about you? What’s in store for Jesse Byrne?”
Jesse gave him a rueful smile. “Will you think less of me if I tell you I really don’t know? I have enough money to get by on for a while, plus my job, but beyond that—”
“Well, nothing has to be decided tonight, does it?” Trevor put his wineglass down and stood, holding his hand out to Jesse. “How about that swim?”
Dusk had fallen, and while Jesse stripped his clothes off and slipped into the pool, Trevor plugged in the white twinkle lights before flipping on the surround sound system, the music set to a classic rock station. He disappeared into the house and returned with a stack of towels, which he placed on a nearby lounge chair.
Jesse tread water, watching hungrily as Trevor undid his jeans and skinned them down his legs, kicking them aside. He ambled toward him and dove cleanly into the deep end of the pool, surfacing not far from where Jesse floated.
“This is one of my favorite things to do,” Trevor said huskily. “A nighttime skinny dip, with just the stars to see.” He nodded toward the sky, and the brilliant display above. Jesse’s gut clenched in jealousy at the thought of how many of these swims Trevor must have taken with Carl.
That fucker isn’t here, is he? I am.
“Yeah? Well, the stars are gonna see me kiss you, Mr. Estes.” Jesse slowly pulled him close, suppressing a groan at the feel of Trevor sliding against him.
Trevor twined his arms around Jesse’s neck. “Oh, I hope they’ll see a lot more than kissing, Mr. Byrne.”
“Count on it.”
Despite the banter, their kiss was soft and gentle, aching in its tenderness. Jesse closed his eyes, his senses full of Trevor’s hot mouth, his silky tongue stroking his. When they broke apart, Jesse touched their foreheads together before brushing his lips over each of Trevor’s eyelids, then his nose.
“Oh, Jess. Baby...”
Trevor’s mouth wasn’t gentle this time, but firm, demanding. Jesse opened under the onslaught, little moans welling up in his throat as Trevor slanted his head to deepen it more. Before Jesse knew it, he was pressed back against the hard side of the pool, Trevor’s aroused body trapping him against it.
He let his legs float up and wrapped them around Trevor’s hips, arching into him, as he clutched onto his shoulders, giving himself up to the kiss. When he at last pulled back, Jesse’s lips were swollen and throbbing, his cock so hard it hurt.
“Sit up here,” Trevor said hoarsely, biting his lip as Jesse braced his hands on the deck and slowly lifted himself from the pool, feeling sensual and abandoned.
“Jess, you’re a work of art.” Trevor watched the play of muscles, his eyes hot and admiring. “And all mine.” Water coursed along Jesse’s skin as he perched on the edge of the pool, and he caught his breath on a moan when Trevor shoved his legs apart and bent to bury his face in his balls.
“Jesus,” Jesse hissed, the contrast of the shock of cool air on his wet skin and the scorching heat of Trevor’s mouth bringing him dangerously close to exploding. He dropped his head back as Trevor licked his way up Jesse’s shaft to the straining tip, where he traced his tongue around the ridge while tugging on his full, heavy balls. “Trevor!”
“Mmmm.” Trevor took him deep, bobbing his head in time with the strokes of his encircling fingers. Jesse leaned back on his hands, propping one heel on the edge of the pool and letting his knee fall far to the side.
The sight of his cock, slick with saliva, being serviced so thoroughly had Jesse crying out helplessly, muscles tight. “I need to be inside you. Now.”
In answer, Trevor put his hands next to Jesse’s hips and lifted himself out of the water, offering his mouth for a kiss. Jesse threaded his fingers through Trevor’s wet hair and held him still as he ravaged him, reveling in Trevor’s gasping breaths, his tiny moans.
He fell to his back on the decking, pulling Trevor with him. They sprawled there, Jesse digging his fingers into Trevor’s ass cheeks, hissing at the feel of his dick prodding his abdomen. “What do you want, Trev? Let me take care of you.”
“Come on,” Trevor panted, pushing unsteadily to his feet and holding his hand out to haul Jesse to his. He led him to an oversize padded ottoman, rooting around in the stack of towels and brandishing the bottle of lube he’d stashed in it. “I want you to take me right here.”
Jesse wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close, leaning down to brush their lips together. “Condoms?”
“I have some,” Trevor whispered, “but Carl and I were monogamous. We got tested regularly and it was always negative. You?”
“No one for a long time. And I tested negative when I got out of the Army.”
His lips curving, Trevor nipped at Jesse’s throat. “So no condom? I’m comfortable with that.”
“Me, too.”
Trevor turned to kneel on the edge of the ottoman, his knees wide, back arched. For a moment Jesse could only stare, knees shaking, body screaming for release. Mindful that it’d been a while for Trevor, Jesse leaned over him to press his lips gently to the back of his neck, smiling when Trevor almost purred.
“So beautiful.” Jesse ran his hands along Trevor’s sides and down to his hips, shaping his ass cheeks in his palms and letting his fingers delve between them.
“Jesse, please.” Trevor slid his knees even farther apart in invitation, so Jesse drifted his lips down his spine, the fingertip between his cheeks teasing, rubbing, until Trevor was shifting restlessly, his hands clenched into fists.
Reaching for the lube, Jesse slicked up his cock, moving around the ottoman so Trevor could watch. At the sight, Trevor licked his lips, his eyes hungry as Jesse pushed down on the thick shaft, letting it bob back up to slap against his belly.
“Want this?”
All Trevor could do was moan. Coating his fingers with the lube, Jesse trailed them teasingly back and forth in the small of Trevor’s back, then down, at last sliding one, then two, inside him.
Trevor trembled, a combination of a hiss and a groan breaking from his lips.
Jesse thrust his fingers deep.
“Oh, God! Fuck me.”
Snugging his cock into Trevor’s cleft, Jesse dragged it up and down, letting him feel him, before positioning his aching tip at Trevor’s entrance. Slowly, carefully, he pushed inside, gritting his teeth at the heat, the pressure.
Trevor was groaning, a light sheen of sweat gathering on his shoulders, in the dip of his spine. Pulsing his hips, Jesse slid forward, inch by inch, until he was at last fully seated inside him.
“Ah, Trev.” His head dropping back, Jesse gripped Trevor’s waist and gave him a tentative stroke, encouraged by Trevor’s grunt of approval. He did it again, and again, until he was pulling all the way out and surging back inside with a slap of skin on skin.
The feel of Trevor stretched wide around him made possessiveness heat his blood to almost overwhelming, and he bit back the word that welled up in his throat... Mine!
“Fuck me hard. Harder!” Trevor almost sobbed. “I want it.”
With a growl Jesse dug his fingers into Trevor’s ass and spread him open, shoving deep.
“Yes,” Trevor hissed, arching his back to accept the onslaught. “So big, so hard, baby. Let me feel you!”
Jesse hilted himself, over and over, until he couldn’t hold back anymore and came with a shout, fierce satisfaction shooting through him at the knowledge he was filling Trevor full.
Collapsing down on the ottoman next to him, Jesse pushed him to his back. He filled his palm with the lube and reached for Trevor’s straining cock, leaning down to surround his nipple with hot suction. Trevor quivered, his muscles tense, his moans music to Jesse’s ears.
“Come for me,” Jesse whispered, tracing the pebbled bud with the tip of his tongue, his thumb pressing hard into Trevor’s wet slit. “Come for me, Trev.”
Trevor cradled Jesse’s head against his chest, rocking his hips up into the tunnel of Jesse’s fist, until he exploded with a hoarse cry, the spasms shaking him head to toe. He gasped incoherent words into Jesse’s hair as he jetted between them, his hot fluid stringing over Jesse’s fingers and splattering his skin.
When he’d calmed, Jesse cuddled him close, brushing his lips over Trevor’s sweaty temple.
Trevor sighed, nuzzling his nose into Jesse’s cheek. “You’re amazing.”
“I hope your neighbors weren’t in their backyards just now,” Jesse said hoarsely, marveling at himself, at how abandoned he’d just been after so many years of sneaking around. To be able to let go with a lover, to enjoy him in the way sex was meant to be enjoyed, with all of the emotion and none of the shame—it felt like a dream.
Snorting, Trevor sat up and gazed around. “Well, if they were, they went inside real quick. You weren’t exactly quiet, sweetheart.”
“Me?” Jesse jackknifed up and buried his face in Trevor’s neck, growling. “You make the sexiest sounds I’ve ever heard. They probably all went inside to fuck too after listening to us.”
“No doubt.” Trevor’s voice was laced with humor. “You drive me absolutely wild.” He heaved a contented sigh. “Come on. Let’s go sit in the hot tub for a bit.” Climbing off the ottoman with a hiss, Trevor picked up the towels. “Bring the wine?”
Jesse rolled to standing, his legs still a little shaky, and grabbed the bottle and glasses from the table before following Trevor to the elevated hot tub set next to the stone grotto. Trevor pushed a discreet button somewhere and the water started bubbling.
They settled into the Jacuzzi with twin groans of pleasure, submerging themselves up to their necks. Jesse gazed out over the patio at the twinkle lights, the inviting pool glittering in the moonlight, the lush landscaping.
“This really is beautiful. I can see why you don’t want to sell.”
Trevor poured them both some wine, handing Jesse his glass, a wistful look on his face as he said, “Most summers, we spent more time out here than we did inside. Sleepovers, barbecues, birthday parties. I just can’t sell away those memories.”
He hadn’t specifically mentioned Carl, but Jesse pictured him in the “we,” wondering if he’d made love to Trevor on that ottoman, too...
You chose to leave, asshole. I’m here now, and I’ll take better care of him than you ever did.
“And Jess—” Trevor looked over at him, eyes soft. “I’m looking forward to making a lot more memories here. With you.”
His heart surging into his throat, Jesse cupped the back of Trevor’s neck and pulled him into a gentle kiss. “I can’t wait.”
Trevor put his head down on Jesse’s shoulder as Jesse hugged him close.
That’s right. I’m here now.