Chapter Twenty-Nine
“Thanks, Harry. I’ll be in touch.”
Trevor hung up the phone and leaned back in his chair, smiling in satisfaction. Another old client willing to come back into the fold, and one that promised to bring lots of work with him. It was certainly true, what the old maxim said, “It never hurts to ask.”
“Trev?” Jesse’s voice in the doorway sounded strange, and Trevor looked up to see that he was pale.
“What is it?” Alarmed, Trevor rose from his chair to hurry to him. “Jesse?”
“Riley’s room. What—how—”
Oh, shit. He hadn’t thought to mention it earlier that morning, and it must have been an unbelievable shock for Jesse to stumble upon the redecorated room like that after all the anguish it had caused them both.
Trevor put his hand on Jesse’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I should have told you what I was planning.”
Taking a deep breath, Jesse blew it out slowly. “But when did you do it? I mean, obviously while I was gone, but why didn’t you wait until I got back?”
“Because the time was right, Jess, and I just wanted to get it over with.”
Jesse closed his eyes briefly. “I wish you’d waited, though. The thought of you doing it alone—”
His distress was so palpable that Trevor rushed to reassure him. “It’s okay, I wasn’t alone. Carl helped me with it.”
Jesse went absolutely still, and Trevor could have kicked himself, realizing too late he should have approached this in an entirely different way.
“Carl helped you with it? I see,” Jesse said stiffly, and he spun on his heel and strode back down the hallway toward the kitchen.
“Jess—” Trevor hurried after him. “Let’s talk about this.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Of course there is! If you’d just listen—”
“Listen to what?” Jesse whirled back around. “You talk about the fact you asked your ex-fiancé to help you get through something personal and incredibly painful? About the fact you wanted him there instead of me? What more is there to say?”
“God no, it’s not like that at all! I can explain—”
“If you want to get back together with him, do us both a favor and say that.”
“I don’t want to get back together with him!”
Jesse continued on as if Trevor hadn’t even spoken. “So what was I, someone willing to stroll down the Riley memory lane with you, and oh yeah, be a hot rebound fuck while you waited for Carl to get over himself and come back into your life?”
Trevor gasped. “Jesus Christ, no. Jesse—”
“I’m out.” Jesse snatched up his keys from the counter and strode for the door.
“You can’t leave like this!”
Trevor lunged forward to grasp his arm, and Jesse neatly evaded him with a growled, “Watch me.”
Scared shitless, and at the end of his rope, Trevor snarled, “Fine! Leave, then. Come back when you fucking grow up.”
He gasped as his personal space was suddenly invaded by a furious, hard-eyed man, his jaw like granite.
“I. Am. Not. Your. Son,” Jesse forced out through gritted teeth as he loomed over him, every inch the soldier he used to be. “I’m your lover, and if you’re gonna use my age against me every time we fight, I’ll tell you right now, I’m gonna lose my patience with that real fucking quick.”
He pinned Trevor with a flat stare, and Trevor cleared his throat, doing his best to modulate his own tone as he said evenly, “You’re right, and I apologize.”
Jesse’s face didn’t change, but he backed off with an almost imperceptible nod. Desperate words crowded Trevor’s throat, and as Jesse yanked the front door open, they burst free.
“Don’t leave.” Trevor sucked in a shaky breath. “Please. Don’t leave me.”
Jesse froze mid-step, and his shoulders slumped. When he turned around, his face was tight with anguish, his mouth working soundlessly. Coming closer, he cupped Trevor’s cheek with trembling fingers. “Never.”
The relief flooding Trevor’s entire body made him light-headed, and he turned his face into Jesse’s palm and kissed it. “Come on. Let’s go talk.”
He led Jesse to Riley’s old room, and they sat on the floor in a patch of sunlight, their backs to the wall. Trevor drew his knees up and wrapped his arms around them. “When I went to the Air Force base to meet Riley’s body, I didn’t want Carl to come with me. He asked me why, and I couldn’t explain it to him at the time even though I could tell he was hurt. I just knew that I couldn’t have him there.”
Trevor toyed with the frayed hem of his jeans, going on, “It hit me while I watched them wheel Riley’s casket from the plane to where I was standing. As much as Carl wanted to be there to support me, his sympathy would have placed a burden on me I wouldn’t have been able to bear, not considering what I was facing in that moment. All those people with me were just doing their jobs, from the funeral team to the hearse driver to my casualty assistance officer. They weren’t cold, but they were detached, professional. That’s what kept me upright, Jess, kept me from shattering into a million pieces.”
“Oh, Trev.” Jesse’s voice was hoarse, and he slid his arm around Trevor’s shoulders, pulling him close.
Trevor leaned against him. “That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, watching them slow-walk a box containing what was left of my son from that plane.” He looked up at Jesse. “The second hardest was packing up this room. You being here, I wouldn’t have been able to bear it, and not for quite the same reason. I wouldn’t have been able to bear how much you’d be hurting, too, Jess.”
Jesse’s eyes widened. “Trevor, I—”
“I didn’t see the need to put us through that, not when I could ask Carl to bring his special brand of ruthless efficiency to the task.” He explained about Carl’s organizational skills, his love for inventories and lists. “I knew he’d come in here and he’d take care of it, just fucking take care of it, and I was way past the point where I simply needed it done. No fuss, no drama, no tears.”
Trevor put a gentle hand on Jesse’s nape and rubbed in soothing circles with his thumb. “I’ve seen you grieve for him, and back when I asked you to put those boxes in his room, I didn’t appreciate how close you’d been to him. How much you loved him, too.” He paused for a moment. “Do you understand?”
Jesse lifted his head, and his eyes were dark with pain. “Yes. And I’m—” His lips trembled. “I’m so fucking sorry for what I said just now, about me being a rebound fuck. That was shitty and immature; you’re right about that.”
“It’s okay, Jess. I should never have blurted it out like that, about Carl being here. That was shitty on my part because I know how you feel about him.”
“God, I’m so jealous of him I can’t stand it,” Jesse admitted. “And it’s not because I think you want him back. I don’t think that, no matter what I said.”
A muscle ticked in his jaw, and his fists were clenched in his lap. Trevor remembered it well, remembered being a hot-blooded young man in the throes of first love and the feeling of utter, all-consuming possessiveness that came with it. He owed it to Jesse to be honest.
“I loved him,” he said, “and a part of me always will.”
Jesse sighed. “Just how many ghosts do I have to share you with, Trev?”
Trevor touched his shoulder, waiting until he looked at him. “A lot,” he said quietly. “I told you, I don’t even recognize myself anymore, and it’s because there are chunks of my heart that are missing and I’m not sure will ever grow back. But Jess—”
Trevor got to his knees, and he put his hands on Jesse’s shoulders. “All I can tell you is that everything that’s left is one hundred percent yours. This broken mess—this needy, mixed-up shell of who I used to be—is utterly committed to you. I’m yours if you want me, and if you don’t, I get it, because God knows you can do better.” He quirked his lips up ruefully.
“I don’t want ‘better,’” Jesse whispered. “I want you.”
Trevor leaned in to press their foreheads together. “I can’t promise you that we won’t ever see Carl again, because we have mutual friends and we move in the same professional circles. There might be times that I miss him, and not because I want him back, but because he’s a wonderful man and we shared a good life together.”
“I know.” Jesse kissed him gently. “I need to get over myself.”
“And, Jess, don’t for one minute think I don’t realize how much shit you put up with from me. I just hope you realize how much I love you for it.”
Giving a watery chuckle, Jesse kissed him again, more firmly this time. “There’s no ‘putting up with you,’ Mr. Estes. There’s only loving you, and I do, with all my heart.”
“Here, let me show you something.” Trevor got to his feet and crossed the room to the walk-in closet, waiting until Jesse stood beside him before sliding the pocket door open.
Jesse gasped, and emotion surged into Trevor’s own throat as they both looked inside. He’d had the walls repainted a warm, sunshine yellow, and the closet hanging bars had been removed. In their place Trevor had had shelving units built in, and on them he’d placed some framed pictures.
“This is my favorite of you together.” He picked up a small silver frame and handed it to Jesse, watching as a single tear tracked down his cheek. The picture was in black and white, and in it Riley and Jesse were shirtless in Army camo pants, dog tags around their necks and arms slung over each other’s shoulders.
“This was taken—Jesus.” Jesse ran his fingertips lightly over their smiling faces. “Outside our hooch.”
“I went through the thumb drive,” Trevor said simply. “These were all printed from that. Your friend Kimi included a written copyright release in the package, said for me to do whatever I wished with them.”
He stood back as Jesse looked at all the pictures—some of Riley alone, and some of him with others. There were casual shots, and ones of Riley in full combat gear, his face hard and determined as he focused on his upcoming mission.
“I remember when she took this one.” Jesse stopped in front of the back wall, where Trevor’d hung the largest picture, his favorite one of Riley alone. He was sitting under some netting, his back against the wall of the hooch, knees drawn up and forearms resting across them, a cigarette dangling from the fingers of one hand. He had earbuds in, eyes closed, and a faint, private smile was playing across his lips.
“I left some shelf space free so you can put up whatever you want, too, Jess. Like your Hawaii picture or anything else you remember him by. Sometimes I just come and sit in here, bring a book, a cup of coffee...” He waved his hand at the small wingback chair set in a corner of the large closet, a little round table with a lamp on it next to it. “Spend some time with him, you know?”
He drew Jesse out into the bedroom itself. “And I thought we could make this space sort of a man-cave for you, put in a TV and surround sound system, a pool table, workout equipment. A place where life goes on, but Riley isn’t far away.”
Trevor slid the pocket door gently shut, and laid his hand on it briefly before turning to Jesse, whose eyes were glowing with a love so strong it made Trevor catch his breath.
“Have I told you today how amazing I think you are?” Jesse pulled him close, and Trevor wrapped his arms around his neck and lifted his face for a kiss.
“I’m yours, Jesse Byrne.”