CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
KIRA
A week later after I had broken up with Blade, he’d still not given up or come to the realization that we would never be together. He’d made several attempts to get me back, but I’d refused.
Blade regularly called, sent me flowers, begging me to give him another chance.
I knew he was never going to change. He always texted the words: I’m sorry. He left voluminous voicemails saying he was sorry. Those were the same words he had spoken to me the first time we’d had a fight. I couldn’t be deceived a second time. One’s actions proved love more profoundly than words and thoughts alone. Love was expressive, it was something that showed from one’s efforts. I conjectured Blade had yet to understand that part about life.
I was deeply hurt. I stared at the many gifts he’d bought for me. I started to think I was stupid that I had let myself get caught up like that. I knew I was just another random girl, another conquest, and a trophy for him to add to his line-up.
My eyes burned, and a river of tears trickled down. I guessed I was a liar by omission, too, because I’d never found the nerve to tell Blade about my job, about what I did for a living and how I survived. He never cared to meet my friends, and he had always been content with that being the path of our life.
“Sadly, I was stupid.” I was so blinded by lust. I was carried away by his celebrity status that I’d failed to see who Blade was.
This was a startling and unsettling realization. I felt so lonely and unhappy, but the blame lies at my feet. How was I going to sleep knowing I had messed up myself? Knowing he was out there partying with other beautiful women—women who were more beautiful than me, who weren’t uptight about his lifestyle choices. Did that make me boring? Maybe Blade’s heart was so cold, he was not capable of genuinely loving because love was a commitment that was laced with truth and honesty, and Blade could not stay truthful.
I gathered all the gifts in one bag and kept them in the corner of my bedroom. I would decide what to do with them once morning came.
I just needed to talk to someone, and the first person to enter my mind was Edel.
I snatched up my cell phone and punched in her number.
She was not picking up, and I was about to give up on her answering when she finally took the call on the third ring.
“Kira, how are you? I’m sorry I forgot to email the article you were meant to edit. I’ll do that before I go to bed tonight.”
‘I am sorry, Edel, this is not about work. I-I wanted,” I stuttered.
“Oh my, are you all right, Kira?” Edel’s voice was gentle with concern.
“No. No, I’m not all right. It’s… I don’t mean to be a bother, but are you busy?”
“No, hun, I’m never too busy for a friend. What is it?”
“I wonder, can we get together and talk?” I really needed to be around someone before I stressed myself into ill health.
“Hun, do you want me to come over?”
“Yes, please. Would you?”
“Consider it done. I’ll be right there. We could watch some Hulu or Netflix or something.”
“Sure, because I ordered then downloaded the movie Black Panther on demand. We can watch that if you want to, Edel.”
I knew she was a movie freak. I loved movies, too, but I devoted my time to writing.
“Yeah, that sounds great,” she replied. “Give me twenty minutes. See you later, my friend.”
I exhaled slowly, slightly relieved after talking to someone. I actually smiled! Edel was not just a colleague but a friend, too, and I felt excited we were going to have a girls’ night filled with movies.
I grabbed my cell phone and surfed the web briefly while waiting for Edel.
True to her promise, she arrived twenty minutes later with a bag of popcorn and a carton of Chunky Monkey ice cream. Blade and the Trash Monkeys come to mind while stuffing my face.
“Girl, are you for real?” I laughed.
“Yes, we are going to have a night of Netflix, popcorn, and lots of junk. I have a lot of movies that you need to see, too.” She grinned.
“You may come in.” I widened the door.
She walked in and briefly dropped a peck by the side of my cheek and gave me a long hug.
“What was that for?” I teased her.
“For inviting me to your house after six months.” She laughed.
I took the carton of ice cream and filled two bowls to the rim. I served us both while we dwelt on some office gossip.
When we were done, we positioned ourselves on my couch and feasted on the movies that I’d bought and the ones Edel had downloaded.
I thought watching a good movie with an excellent storyline would make me forget about Blade and the way he’d hurt me. He had ripped my heart apart. I couldn’t concentrate throughout the time the current movie played. I kept seeing images of Blade drinking and partying wildly.
“I’ve had a rough time the last few weeks. I feel horrible. Like I’ve lost myself and I’m a total stranger. Have you ever felt that way?” I turned to Edel who immediately paused the movie.
From the way she looked at me, I guessed she knew I was struggling with something, but she didn’t want to press.
“Hey…” She rubbed my shoulder. “Of course I’ve felt that way before. I felt like a failure more than once in life. I think most people have at one time or another so don’t beat yourself up. I made a terrible mistake that almost ruined my life but I was still able to fix it,” she replied.
“How were you able to move on and fix your mistake?” I asked.
“See, Kira, the thing about life is that we will always make mistakes. We will always make a bad decision at some point. Now, that is not a bad thing. What’s bad is not learning a lesson from your mistakes. So, when I finally realized that I was human, and I had flaws, I learned to love my imperfect self regardless. Now I live free and happy, and when I make a mistake, I forgive myself and move on. Every experience is a lesson learned.”
I felt encouraged by her words of wisdom.
But what sort of lesson had I learned from being with Blade Benefield? Blade was like a contagious fever that rocked my world to the core.
Sometimes I was okay with my decision to walk away. Other times I was torn and wanted to go to him and fall in his arms. But I know the aftermath of such a decision would be followed with self-recriminations regarding my weakness. Why was I so torn? Why did Blade burn in my memory and heart the way he did? I knew I must forgive, heal, and most importantly, remember that I had to get Penny my articles.
Edel punched my side with her elbow. “You will be all right, Kira. Never regret love.”
The last line made me want to cry. Edel was right. I was right in knowing I needed to forgive myself, heal, and move the hell on.
“Thank you…” I hugged her.
“Now can we go back to watching the movie?”
“Sure, sure.” I fetched some popcorn and threw it into my mouth and tried to push Blade from my heart and thoughts forever.