“What?” my head snapped up. It was like the world was shaking and I couldn’t find stable ground. My eyes trained only on Rex. “Mia’s dead?”

“Yeah,” Rex said, watching me carefully. He was searching for something and I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t think. I could barely breath. “Mia’s dead. She was murdered.”                 Pytor. It was him. He took another person from me. Anna. Alex and now Mia. I couldn’t handle it. I was going to fall over or cry or faint or all of the above. I was going to have a nervous breakdown.

“I…. I… I have to go check on our reservation,” I said quickly, even though we were not even at the hotel anymore. Nothing was working. I just needed out of there. “I’ll be back.”

ran out of there before anyone could catch me, before anyone could say anything. I ran out of the house, down the street as far as I could until my lungs gave out on me. I wasn’t fit so I didn’t get very far. When I finally stopped I put my hands on my knees and took deep breaths. Pytor. Mia was dead. Pytor killed her. I think I blacked out from the pain. I have no memory of how I got myself together. All I know is when I got back I was numb and felt sick inside. Whoever came back to that house wasn’t Alex or Alexa, she was a ghost, a phantom of them both.

Apparently, Dana had some kind of breakdown. I headed back into the room where Sam was comforting Dana, who had just woken up. I felt numb to it all but tried to support both of them as best I could. Rex came back in the room a bit later and turned to me first, seemingly uncomfortable and unsure.

“You okay?” he mumbled.

“Yeah,” I barely got out. It was too weird to be civil. Too weird to admit Mia’s death. So, we both just turned away from each other after that. We all decided we needed to take a nap before we planned anything further. I was shacked up with Sam. We weren’t even an hour into our nap when shrill screams filled the room. Sam broke out into one of her nightmares, screaming bloody murder. Pure terror echoing in her voice. It chilled me to the bone. She puts up a good front, she’s a good mom, a good friend and strong, but she still has major PTSD from what she went through. It wouldn’t be realistic if she didn’t. It doesn’t make it any easier to watch her, if anything it makes it harder, because she’s strong. And it hurts to see her break. Her hurts to see her mind torment her in this way. It was in these moments that I really appreciated Logan. He dealt with this daily and still loved her and saw her strength, not her weakness. That alone made him worth keeping him around.

Dana took over Sam’s care after that, and I let her. Mainly because she had crazy guilt. I knew she felt obligation to help Sam or it’d eat her alive. Whatever I could do to keep Dana sane, I did. I knew Sam would kick my ass later for letting Dana see her like that, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the bigger picture.

Dana demanded ice to help ground Sam. As soon as I got some Dana pretty much commanded I walk right back of the room. Of course, the first person I ran into was fucking Rex. I sighed out loud. I couldn’t catch a break. I couldn’t keep my wall up. I couldn’t stay numb with him lurking around every corner.

“Is she okay?”

His eyes were etched with concern. I could tell he was really worried about her.

“Yeah,” I ran my hand through my hair. “She has PTSD. Something happened a few months ago. It fucked her up quite a bit. Rightfully so. She’s still a totally badass though.”

“I have no doubt. What happened?”

It was an innocent question, but I could see the accusation in his eyes.

“It wasn’t my fault,” I whispered. Tears sprung to my eyes “I’m so sorry Rex. I didn’t kno…”

“You’re sorry. You’re sorry!” Rex hissed, cutting me off. “Just shut up. I wouldn’t be your friend again if you were the last human on earth. Don’t even bother trying for my forgiveness.”

“Rex I was like super fucked up okay. I was homeless, selling myself to make a buck for years, I…” I was going to continue saying how I couldn’t just recover from all that so quickly. I was going to tell him I had no idea about Mia, but Dana walked in looking super uncomfortable. She probably heard me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

   “Oh, hey Dana,” I said trying to sound relaxed… when I was not. “Is Sam alright?”

    Sam wasn’t alright, but she would be. That I was sure of. That girl was a survivor through and thorough.

The next day was all drama and fear.

It was something we could have prevented if we had looked for the signs and been more careful. I was too preoccupied with my Rex shit and Sam was so busy trying to hold everything together and making sure we were making smart moves, we both missed the subtle signs. Dana went after Gunner... on her own. Of course, Gunner got her out, and shockingly she did save his life. She got hurt though. She was choked, there was a cut on her arm that required stitches and Gunner told us discreetly that Tanner was involved so there would be mental scars as well. There were lots that happened in that cabin, lot of stuff went down, but that’s a story for another time.

Of course, Gunner was beat and tortured to all hell, but he made sure we knew all the details of what happened to Dana first. He gave us what we needed to help her. Before he passed out, honestly probably from pure agony. He was pretty torn up.

He loved her. It was the moment I realized it. So, did Sam, and I am pretty sure Rex too. I could tell Rex respected the shit out of Gunner, and Gunner was grateful in his own way for how Rex helped Dana. He was not thrilled that she came after him alone, but I jumped in on that one and told him we did the best we fucking could. He was taken by a group of gangsters with the name “Kill” for God Sakes! Besides, we had no idea she left. She snuck out and he knew as well as us how damn stubborn and smart that girl was.

Dana spent some time in the hospital. I went back to the hotel Logan had booked for us. We all had individual rooms, and one extra room where we could meet up and discuss everything, courtesy of Logan. The day Dana was set to discharge Rex and I left the hospital early. It was only right for Sam, Logan and Dana to have a little privacy. We took separate cars of course. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him. I figured he would go to his room, so I went to our main shared room and waited for Dana, Sam and Logan to get back. I walked in the room, used the keycard and threw my purse on the table. I felt numb, scared and, honestly, there were way too many fucking emotions coursing through my body to process. I was lost in thought when I heard the sound of a throat clearing from across the room. My head snapped up. I found myself face to face with Rex again. Suddenly I felt angrier than I had in years. An overwhelming sense of rage overtook me. He was ruining everything. He was supposed to stay in the past with Alex. With my ability to love. With Pytor. With everything and now it was all coming back.

“What the fuck are you doing in here?” I snapped.

“I see your over your stuttering phase,” he said with just as much venom.

“You fucking asshole! I never stuttered. I was shocked. You were … you were supposed to stay gone!”

“Oh! Oh! I’m so fucking sorry. When you left me alone I’m sure you never banked on seeing me again Alex!”

“GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND LEAVE ME ALONE!”

“YOU ARE SO FUCKING SELFISH! YOU LEFT ME. BROKE MY STUPID FUCKING HEART ALEX!”

Just then Gunner, Dana and Sam came bursting in the door. Sam didn’t waste a second before restraining me. I heard voices, but I couldn’t understand them. I was too fucking angry. I was fuming. I tried to pull out of Sam’s grip, but she was strong and relentless. She wouldn’t let me go until I calmed down. I still felt fire coursing through my veins, but I stopped fighting. I relaxed in her arms. She wasn’t the enemy anyway.

“Fucking assholes. All of you,” I muttered.

“I am an asshole,” Sam whispered in my ear. “But you’re a bitch.”

I smiled. I fucking loved this girl. I fully relaxed. I looked over at Sam and shook my head. This girl was the sane to my crazy, but still crazy enough to get through to me.

After pissing Gunner off, because of my insane need to lash out at someone, Gunner ushered Rex out of the room.

The next few days we barely saw each other. Dana had a lot going on, Sam was busy with Dana and I spent 90% of my time in my room taking scalding hot showers and ripping apart newspaper articles. I didn’t want anyone to know how bad I was struggling, but I was. I was fucking losing it. Between Rex being in the picture, him hating me, my feelings for him, Dana’s issues, Sam’s issues, Pytor still being alive and able to hurt me, and Mia’s death, I felt like I was breaking apart. I realized for the first time the façade I had built as Alexa was just a lie. A stupid fucking lie. I’d never be okay.

A while later Rex, Sam, Logan and I were in the hallway talking, waiting for Dana to come out. Well, they were chatting, and I was trying to avoid the way Rex was scrutinizing me. As if it wasn’t hard enough I had to act like I hadn’t just spent the last couple days self-destructing, having Rex read me so easily made the task impossible. I became self-conscious of the red tinge of my skin, the dark circles under my eyes and the weight I had gained. I was falling apart at the seams and on the verge of people noticing. There’s only so much you can hide. Even I knew that.

If I hadn’t been so preoccupied with my own problems I would noticed the fragility in Dana’s stance. As it was, I didn’t notice and asked her about her night with Gunner. I saw him sneaking into her room the night before. That conversation led to her having a full on emotional breakdown. It sounds so fucking selfish, because I was genuinely worried about her, but it really triggered me. Her meltdown was so similar to the one I had at Rex’s years ago; the violence, the destruction, the dissociation. All of it was so similar. Sam, Logan and I helped her as much as possible, but, really, we got the one person we knew could get through to her. Gunner. He was our only hope to break her out of her mental prison... because she was losing it. She was lost in a flashback and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. While Gunner was with her the whole rest of the crew tried to process what was going on with her. What triggered it. How we could help her in the future. I felt like such a bitch, but I just wanted out of there. I can admit I was jealous. Dana’s pain would end. Mine wouldn’t. I was jealous of her ability to express, to let go, to let people help her.

    That said, I left them all as soon as I could. Since Jazzy was now in town I had been watching her some nights when Sam’s nightmares were really bad.  I was tired and only had a few hours before the little munchkin was with me again. I had to pull myself together before then. I could not let Jazmine see me as anything other than the strong willed, fun Alexa she knew. Even if it was a lie. It was a lie I was willing to keep up forever for her. I first went to my room and paced around aimlessly, then I ripped up a bunch of paper, trying to resist the urge to take a scalding hot shower. My skin was already red and raw from my most recent shower.

When nothing seemed to work I decided to go for a run. It was something I rarely did anymore, but when I was working for Pytor I used to go for these all out runs where I ran until I puked. It was a way of distracting my mind by delving into what my body was capable of. I so desperately needed that disconnect now.

I passed Rex on the way out, of course. He coked an eyebrow when he saw my workout apparel. God, he knew me too fucking well. He knew I would only run if I had some sort of sick intention behind it. Of course, neither of said anything to one another. I suspected we were both barely hanging on. Rex was only here for Gunner, and I now understood why.

Three days passed. It was a haze of useless activities. Activities that should have helped us bond. They should have been fun. It was rare we all go time together anymore, but the whole time I was lying. Everything I did was for show, even more than usual. Sam, Logan and Jazzy left during that time too. Bonding and then leaving... ‘tis the flow of life. That left me, Dana, Gunner and Rex. Sam demanded I keep an eye on Dana. I agreed even though I knew I was in no condition to do so. The day after Sam left I lost it. I don’t know what triggered it. It started out as me desperately needing a run. I had taken a scalding hot shower the night before and wasn’t sure how much more my skin could handle without it being totally obvious what I was doing. I could see Rex looking at my skin when he thought I wasn’t looking. He was trying to be subtle, but it was obvious. He knew. He knew what I was doing behind closed doors. He’d witnessed me doing it before and knew what to look for. He didn’t say anything about it though. He didn’t care. That hurt me. I knew it shouldn’t. I deserved it. That was the worst part.

Mia.

Anna.

All because of me.

I ran out of the hotel. As soon as my feet hit the pavement I ran and ran, coughing, choking, the burning in my lungs. It was like a momentary cleansing of the pain. The burning, the tightening of my muscles fueled me. Finally, my body wouldn’t carry me anymore. I had already circled back and found myself near a dumpster by the hotel. I dry heaved on the pavement.

That was fine. The burning, puking, choking was fine. It was when the physical pain faded that it became a problem. I crashed. Emotionally, I just broke. All the lies, deceit, secrets, my past just caught up to me. I couldn’t hide behind hot showers or ripped paper anymore. I felt like trash and the dumpster behind me just reminded me of that. My legs gave out from underneath me after vomiting behind the dumpster. I made it a few steps before falling. I cried until I couldn’t breathe. Until I couldn’t think. I felt like I was suffocating, and I wished I could stab a knife into my heart to ease the pain there. That’s how intense the pain felt. I needed it to go away. I couldn’t take it. My eyes hurt. It all hurt. I’d tucked myself into a tight little ball when I heard him approach. Now I really wanted to die.                  

“Alex!” he gasped. I could hear him running over to me.

“It’s Alexa you fucker,” I snapped through my tears. I knew I sounded pathetic and weak, but out of force of habit I couldn’t just admit I was down. Especially to him.

Rex crouched in front of me and touched my knee. I tried to jerk away.

“I don’t want you to touch me,” I whispered. I couldn’t handle it. It was a lie. He hated me.

Rex removed his hand but stayed crouched in front of me. I still couldn’t look up at him. Not him. Anyone but him.

“What’s wrong?” 

He sounded confused, angry, worried. He had no idea how the fuck to feel about this.

“You should go.” A choked sob escaped before I could stop it, and that opened the floodgates. I cried into my knees. Unable to control it.

“Despite wishing I could, my moral code won’t allow me to leave you here crying by a dumpster.”

Those words burned me. I could give a fuck about his morals.

“You don’t care though!” I snapped, finally looking at him. “I fucked up. I fucked up so bad and lost you. Pushed you away, just like everyone else, starting with my stupid fucking father. My whole life is a lie. Even my friends don’t know the truth about me. Who I am, what I’ve had to do. Fuck him!”

The pain was too much. I couldn’t. I had to relieve myself. I turned around and punched the wall so hard I heard my bones crack. Excruciating pain shot up my arm. The emotional pain still wasn’t gone either. I couldn’t take this. Have you ever felt like the pain alone would kill you? That was how I felt in that moment.

“Fuck,” I whispered as I held my throbbing wrist. “That really, really hurt.”

  I tried to tuck my hand into my body, so Rex couldn’t see it, but I was too slow.

“Jesus Alexa!” Rex reached for my hand, but I tucked it in tighter to my body and clenched my jaw. Handle the pain. I had to handle the pain.

“You need to get that looked at, it’s broken,” Rex finally said, after realizing I wasn’t going to let him help me. I didn’t want his help. I couldn’t owe him anymore than I already did. I got killed his sister and then left him. I was the one who deserved to die the death Mia did. I felt a bitter laugh escape my lips. It was all unfair.

“This is so telling.  I'm angry at him for what he did to me, but I’m the only one who ends up getting hurt.” Me, and everyone I love.

“Holding resentment is like drinking poison waiting for the other person to die,” Rex recited, as if on autopilot.

I couldn’t hold in my feelings for him this time. The anger I tried to hide behind was like a dull memory. I missed him. I loved the man in front of me so much and I lost him. All me. What would happen when this was all over? He’d go on with his life and I’d go on with mine. I couldn’t do that. Not this time.

“I lost you. I hurt you. Just fucking go.”

My body fell over. I suddenly felt like so heavy, like the weight of carrying my body was too much to handle. There was a long silence before Rex spoke again.

“Let’s get you inside.”

“No. I’ll stay here.”

Rex’s jaw clenched.

“Jesus, Alexa! Cut me a fucking break here. Just come inside.”

Not wanting to make things harder for him I used my free arm, keeping the other one cradled into my chest, and pushed myself up to standing. I kept my head down. Rex put his hand on my lower back and ushered me inside. I ignored his hand on my back. It was tense. He was just making sure I didn’t fall apart again. I was barely holding it together in the first place, and we both knew, despite everything, he was the only one with the power to hold me together in that moment.

I wasn’t even paying attention to where I was going. My world was gray. He could have been leading me to my death and I honestly would have cared less. The only thing I truly feared was my friends seeing me like this. I knew Rex well enough to know he wouldn’t let my friends see me. He was ever the gentlemen, too kind for the petty, passive aggressive shit that most people pulled. He didn’t kick people when they were down. No matter who it was, he lifted up them until they could stand on their own.

I was led out to the parking lot and into a four-door black sedan. I sat in the passenger seat unmoving. I waited for the car to start, but it never did. Rex got in on his side and immediately turned to face me.

“Care to explain what went on over there?” His posture has tense, bordering on angry. He was trying to hold it together, but quickly failing.

I shrugged. “I punched a wall. I was upset.”

“Yeah no shit! Care to explain why you did that?”

“Not particularly. I have a lot going on right now.”

“We all have a lot going on, but most of us don’t punch walls or,” Rex grabbed my uninjured arm and slid the sleeve up my forearm, “or shower until we fucking burn ourselves. What the fuck is wrong with you? I thought you were Alexa now. A girl with no feelings. This badass chick who hangs with Logan Prescott’s crew.”

I pulled my arm away gently. He let me go. “I thought so too.”

Rex stared at me, expression blank. I wait for him to say something, he looked like he was going to, but he didn’t. He quickly turned away and started the car.

“Where are we going?”

I started to wipe the tears out from under my eyes.

“Where do you think? The hospital.”

“No please, I hate hospitals.”

I said this even though the pain in my arm was nearly unbearable and my teeth were gritted just trying to manage the excruciating pain on the entire left side of my body. Rex scoffed.

“You think I’d take you if I had another choice. Unfortunately, I’m fucked. I'm the one who found you and your hand is broken in at least a couple places. You punched a fucking brick wall Alex. My mom and sister taught me manners.”

I shut up the rest of the drive.

There were no more words said.

The only noises I heard as the car drove past building after building was the occasional inhale of my pain ridden breath and the thumping of my broken heart.