I can’t even look at Rex when he finishes. I’ve shifted all the way to the other end of the couch and am holding onto my knees for dear life. I can feel the tears running down my face. Mia didn’t deserve the death she received, and yet she still loved me. She still forgave me. I can’t take it. I never in a million years meant to hurt them. I left to protect them, and yet, once again, my efforts backfired, and people got hurt. I didn’t just get Rex’s family killed and raped, but I also left him alone during the whole ordeal when he never left me alone, not once.

I see Rex trying to scoot closer to me, but I hold up my hand.

“You should hate me.”

“I want to,” Rex says honestly. I watch him drop his head and shake it against his chest. “But that would be the coward's way out. You’re just as much of a victim as everyone else, and I understand the choices you made given the circumstances.”

Rex keeps his distance and watches me carefully. I don’t know what to say. I feel like all the hard work I put in with Sam, Jazmine, Logan and Dana has been for nothing. I feel more broken than ever.

“Alexa,” Rex repeats. “Are you with me?”

I can still hear the pain in his voice from recounting the story of his sister’s death.

“How’s your mom?”

“She’s good. It’s my mom. My mom’s a fighter, much like you. She got therapy for what she went through and has been there for me every day since Mia’s death. She’s the one who got me to take the football job out here mentoring kids. She came out with me. I’m beyond lucky to have her.”

“Good. And Blaze?”

“Alexa, you’re torturing yourself.”

I feel myself gritting my teeth.

“He’s not okay, is he?”

“It’s Blaze Alexa. He’s you in male form with less language. Are you okay?”

I turn away from Rex. “No.”

I stare out in the distance. All this fight, and what has it gotten me? This constant questioning is the story of my life. I am so zoned out I don’t even see Rex scooting up next to me. I try desperately to scoot away from him, but before I can scatter he grabs my shoulders and turns me to face him. His grip leaves no room for slack, no room to escape.             

“Look at me Alexa! Look at me,” he softens the slightest bit. “You’re hurting.”

I turn away from him. “I’m fine. I feel bad for Mia. For your mom. For Blaze.”

“Yes,” Rex says flippantly, tightening his grip again. “But you are hurting.”
“Stop being so damn nice to me. I don’t deserve it.”

“Then what do you deserve Alexa? Tell me.” He releases his grip on my shoulders, and for the second time I lose it.

“What do I deserve?!” I stand up, shrieking. “I deserve to die! I deserve to die like my daughter did. Like Mia did. I deserve every piece of shit that’s been handed to me. I’m an ex-hooker, a slut, I curse, I drink, I’m not a fucking good person Rex Carter! You,” I point at him, “have always been way, way too fucking good for me. I don’t deserve anything!”             

I see Rex wince, but I ignore it. “What about Sam? Dana? Gunner? What do they think you deserve?”

“I… don’t know,” I bite my lower lip. “It honestly feels like two separate lives. Alex, the girl you know. The girl with all the shit. Then Alexa. The strong, badass, I don’t give a fuck girl. They can’t coexist, but now I can’t ever go back to being Alexa. You ruined me Rex Carter. Rightfully so. I think you did a long time ago, but I just can’t build that wall back up anymore. I love you,” I choke on the words, “but I don’t deserve you. I never have.”

“Come here.” Rex grabs my hand and pulls me down the couch, towards him. I don’t move a muscle. He gently pulls my head down onto his chest.

“I won’t fight with you about your feelings. They are yours, but that is not how I feel about you Alex. Not after hearing your story.”

I turn around, so my face is in his shirt. I let him hold me, even though I shouldn’t. He strokes my hair gently. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been touched like this. Gently. With compassion. The last time I saw Rex I presume. About twenty minutes later the stroking stops.

“Alex, we should probably let your friends back in. They’ll want the rest of your story. Ya know, the parts where they get involved. To be honest, I want to know that too. I’m damn curious how you finagled your way into Logan Prescott’s scene.”

“Hey!” I snapped. “This is Sam Perkins scene. Logan entered way later.”

“Sorry,” Rex said, but I could see he was fighting a smile. “So, you feel like torturing them now with your side of their story?”

“Damn right I do!”

Rex grabbed my chin gently. “See, there it is.”

“There what is?”

“Alexa. Alex. They aren’t two people sweeties. They are both right here.”

“We are being so fucking mushy,” I let my head fall back dramatically, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“Yeah,” Rex nods, “but Mia would be so proud.”

I feel my eyes water all over again. “Yeah. Yeah, she would.”

“I’ll grab your friends. You take deep breaths. I promise we will continue this conversation later.”

I went to tell him to not do anything to embarrass me in front of my other friends, but he is already gone. I assume charming them with his politically correct lingo.

I stay seated on the couch, feeling totally lost, totally hurt and totally hopeful for the second time in my life.

And nervous….

Because I fucking know Rex is going to pull some shit to embarrass me in front of my crew. I just fucking know it.