I broke several fingers and my wrist. Stellar. Just fucking stellar. My entire forearm and hand was put in a brace, which was just annoying. The worst part was I didn’t feel any better. I wanted to cause more destruction to my body, but it’d be hard enough brushing off the questions about my hand, I could not show up with any more injuries. My friends are all smart and privy to emotional pain, they’d know. The ride back was so awkward there was so much to say, yet nothing to say at all. The odds that Rex would be the one to find me were astronomical, as was me seeing him at the bar all those years ago. Apparently, the universe had a cruel game to play with both of us. I’m sure we were both thinking that.

After ten minutes of silence I had to ask him for another favor and that killed me. I wanted to keep ignoring him so that way other so when we got back to the hotel we could pretend this whole thing never happened. I felt so uncomfortable my leg started bouncing around a million miles a minute. That was Dana’s thing, not mine. I was annoyed with myself but couldn’t stop it.

“Rex, please don’t tell my friends what happened. Not the details anyway. I know it’s wrong of me to ask, but they can’t know. They…”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’d expect nothing less from you.”

  With that, nothing else was said during the drive. Not. one. thing. When we arrived back at the hotel both of us walked in without saying a word. The tension could have been cut with a knife. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say to him. The amount of hatred he felt towards me made it hard for me to breathe, let alone speak. We both headed up the stairs to our rooms, which weren’t too far from each other. I had every intention of going to my room, but I was honestly afraid of what I would do if I went in there alone. I had never felt such a strong urge to sleep everything away. I sighed and turned to Dana’s door, which was right by mine. I knocked a few times.

  “Day, it’s Alexa. I just… need a friend.”

Getting those words out was like drinking vinegar. Admitting that I needed help. There was the sound of shuffling, then the door opened.  Standing in front of me was Dana with Gunner right standing right behind her. I immediately noticed her appearance. She looked disheveled. Her hair was static and sticking up all over this place. She had bedhead. She looked like she threw herself together in a hurry. I barged in her room and looked at the two of them.

“Were you guys fucking?” I laughed. It was so perfect. Just what I needed. Dana looked like she could die of embarrassment. I didn’t feel bad. I needed the laugh. Rex appeared in the doorway a few seconds later, for God knows what reason. With that Dana visibly started to panic and shake. Gunner stepped in immediately and told us to wait outside for a few minutes. Obviously so he could comfort his girl. He didn’t let anything come between her and her happiness. Once out in the hallway I turned to Rex.

“What were you doing over here?”

He was supposed to go to his room and I was supposed to go to mine. That was the unspoken agreement in the car.

“I felt obligated to make sure you were okay. I see you are so I’m leaving.”

“You did?” The words slipped out of my mouth. I sounded so fucking desperate.

Rex nodded his head, looking exhausted. “Don’t hurt yourself for at least 24 hours please.”

Then he walked off and went to bed. I wouldn’t let myself hope he cared. I knew he didn’t. Not after everything that had happened between us. Not after what my life did to his. Not after Mia. I left after that. Days flew by. Things looked up for Dana and Gunner. I was beginning to think all of my friends would get their fairytale endings. I was happy for them, but one day I knew they wouldn’t need me anymore. I’d just be that crazy aunt they asked to babysit once in a while. That would be another time in my life I’d have to get used to being alone. I was going to lose it. At least all my friends were protected by powerful men and Pytor couldn’t hurt them. All that was left was me, and, honestly, at this point I wouldn’t fight him all that hard if he came for me again. He took everything else from me.

The day we were set to leave was awful. I kept my promise to Rex and didn’t hurt myself for 24 hours, but the day I was set to leave Rex for good again I had to break that promise. I showered until my skin burned. I ripped up more papers than I could count. Sorry rainforest. I hated that goodbye was this hard. Especially since we didn’t even get along. He hated me. I hated that I couldn’t even say goodbye to him without falling apart. I hated that I no longer had the right to feel any desire to see Rex again. I just hated it. Heart pain is the worst kind of pain. The pain I was never good at dealing with. I mean I still talked to Anna every single night.

We all met in the lobby to say bye and I honest to God felt like an ice cube. Dana spoke with Rex, and I’m assuming thanked him for everything. All I could do was stare. I didn’t want to leave him. He opened up all my old wounds and now I had to go back and act like none of it never happened. I had to avoid and lie to all my friends when they asked how I knew Rex and why I ‘hated’ him. I didn’t know if I could do that. Finally, the talking ended, and I knew everyone was waiting on me to say something. Waiting with baited breath to see what I would say to him. I looked up and met his clear blue eyes. For the first time they held something more than hatred. His eyes matched my emotions.

  “Bye. Thanks for fixing my hand,” I whispered, letting my hair hide my face.

That’s all I could think of to say. That’s all that would come out of my stupid mouth. I didn’t want to hear his reply. He’d either fake politeness to be cordiale in front of my friends, for Gunner, or just blow me off completely. He chose the first option.

“You're welcome Alex. I apologize, Alexa.”

“You can call me Alex,” I mumbled before running into the cab. I needed thirty seconds to fight back the tears and to stop my body from shaking so much. I said nothing to anyone the whole way back. All their words were blurred out by my never-ending thoughts and the incredible amount of pain I was in. I’d field their questions later.

Being back in Nashville was weird. It was like I was thrown into a parallel universe. In this case it was Alex living in Alexa’s world. The façade was nearly impossible to keep up, but somehow, I managed outside the doors of my apartment. Well, for the most part. Behind closed doors, however, I was losing it. Honestly. There were piles of shredded papers everywhere. For while I’d clean up after myself when I went on a paper ripping spree, but after a while I gave up on it. I was constantly relying on shredding paper to cope and cleaning up started to seem like a waste of time. My showers were pretty much always scalding hot. I ran until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I cried myself to sleep. I tossed and turned all night, and every sound sent me flying back in alarm. I expected Pytor to rip apart my life again any second. I’d had people in my life for too long now. It was about time it all started falling apart. I felt like I was living in hell. Pure and simple. A lonely, heartbroken hell.

Sam saw it.

Dana saw it.

Fuck, even Logan and Gunner saw it.

Yet, despite the fact that everyone knew I was struggling, I still pretended to be the same person I always was around them, no matter how bad I was struggling. It was honestly pathetic.

It didn’t take long for things to get all screwed up again. I wasn’t surprised to hear Gunner was involved in Dana’s recent runaway stint. What I was surprised to find out was that Logan was involved too. It was not often Logan screwed things up. He thought everything out and pulled resources to make sure he did right by everyone. I was dumbfounded when I found out what they did. They took Dana to visit her awful parents without her knowledge. I would have been more pissed at them if Sam hadn’t been so over the moon furious about the whole thing. I’d never seen her so mad at Logan. She slapped him square across the face when she found. She didn’t stay mad long. Logan was such a mess. He felt awful. He turned into a complete recluse. It was so unlike himself it was almost scary to watch. Quite frankly, the whole thing was a disaster. I’d never seen Logan so depressed. He hated himself for what happened. He felt confused about whether or not to give his parents money. I mean he was in a rough predicament. We didn’t see Gunner. Logan was in contact with him, trying to make things right I presume, but Gunner was a man of action and never once stopped by for a “friendly chat”. Besides, he really could care less about us. It was all about Dana.

It didn’t take long for Gunner to set a plan in motions to make things right with her again. I was glad, because, like, where the fuck did Dana go? I mean where could she go? We were her friends and family. It sucked to admit, but I was worried. Really fucking worried. Dana was strong in her own right, but naive and easily influenced. I didn’t want to see anything bad happen to someone as sweet as her. I waited in my apartment anxiously for Sam’s call. I knew she’d call me and give me an update on Dana when she knew something. Sure, enough it came, along with the absolute shittiest news of all time. The phone rang three time before I picked it up.

“Sam.”

“Hey Alexa. How are you?” Sam sounded exhausted. Rightfully so. Her fiancé was depressed. Dana, who was basically her sister had run away, and Jazmine was in a phase of terror. I could hear her screaming in the background.

“I think the real question is are you okay?”

Sam sighed. “I’ll answer that honestly when you answer that honestly.”

Fair enough.

“Touché.”

I wouldn’t insult her by saying I was fine, when, we both knew I wasn’t.

“Good. Since we are on the same page I’ll get to the point.” Thank God. “Gunner’s going to get Dana back. No freaking shocker there, but we have a problem.”

   “And that is…” Thump. Thump. Thump. My heart pounded. I had a bad feeling about this.

   “Logan has a job and if he’s gone I have to stay back with Jazmine. We can’t both leave her. Not again.”

   “It’s fine. I’ll go with him,” I said easily. “I’m not a total bitch. I like Dana too.”                   

   “Yeah I knew you’d go. I know you’re a big softie Alexa.”

I scoffed. Yeah, sure.

“That’s not the problem.”

“Okay then what is the problem?”

“Alexa, she’s with Rex.”    

Just like that, everything in the room flipped upside and slammed into me. “WHAT? SHE’S WITH HIM! WHY? Like, fuck. Why him?” No. no. no. no. no

“Alexa…Please. I’m begging you. Like, what am I supposed to do. I can’t leave Jazmine with Ms. Arnette again. I swore I’d never be that kind of parent. Besides the kids at the foster home need me. Logan has to take this job before he goes into a full out depression. He needs the distraction, and I need him strong. I still have shit to deal with Alexa. Please. Please.”

“Sam, I’d do anything for you. You know that. But… but I can’t do this. You don’t understand. I can’t.”

“Alexa, what if Dana needs us? You know her background. Is your vendetta against this guy really worth that risk? I can’t just let Gunner do everything.  He’s really proved himself, but I’m still not comfortable with that.”

Neither was I.

“Fuck. Sam.” I closed my eyes for a second, trying to regain control. She had no idea what she was asking. This was no “vendetta”, but how would she know that? I haven’t told her anything. She knew nothing.

“Fine. Whatever. Fuck it. Tell me when and where.”

“Are you sure?”

“Don’t you dare are you sure me! I hate that question. You guilt me into going and then ask if I’m fucking sure. No, I’m not fucking sure! Does that change anything? You still need me to, right? So, fuck that fucking question.”

“Message received. Got it, right. Thank you, Alexa. Quick question. Why does Rex call you Alex? Was that your old nickname?”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. They were starting to realize they didn’t know about my past. Fuck Rex.

“Uh yeah. Old nickname. I was a kid.”

“You knew Rex as a kid? What the hell... Wait Alexa, what?”

“Mind your own damn business Sam! Text me when I fucking leave.”

… and it wasn’t long before I fucking left. I was on a flight fairly soon after that conversation. I tried to focus on Dana, but, honestly, no matter how much I worried about Dana the fear of seeing Rex again overpowered everything. What if I had to go in his house? HOLY. FUCKING. HELL. I couldn’t do that.

The driver Sam had set up drove me to the place Dana was staying. All my panic momentarily left me. All I cared about was making sure she was okay, and Gunner didn’t fuck up again. Well, I knew he wouldn’t fuck again. He realized what he had with Dana was irreplaceable. I was confident in his feelings for her, and that put me somewhat at ease.

I walked in the condo and met Dana on the couch. I tried to be gentle with her. I felt somewhat better seeing her in person, knowing she was okay. That was until Rex walked in the door and laid eyes on me.

Fuck Sam.

This was totally a set up. She was trying to get us to ‘work things out’. She had no idea what she was meddling in. I felt like I’d been zapped with electricity. Then fucking Dana and Gunner had to leave. I mean I wanted them to because they needed to work their shit out, but I couldn’t be alone with Rex. I felt defeated. As they were leaving my only reassurance was that Dana felt just as shitty about leaving with Gunner as I felt staying with Rex. She was still beyond furious at him and wanted nothing to do with him. It’s sick, but it was good to know I wasn’t alone in my suffering.

Once Rex and I were alone it was like someone put the world on pause. Neither one of us moved or spoke. We were both nervous, and shocked we were back in this position so quickly.

“You can sit,” Rex eventually said, curtly. “I mean you’re here. You’re stuck here, unless I kick you out so make yourself comfortable.”

I stayed standing. I couldn’t get comfortable in his house. No way. No fucking way.

“I’m fine. Thanks.”

Rex paused.

“I still hate you. You know that, right? You know I’ll never forgive you for what you’ve done to my family and me. For leaving us alone with your mess.” Rex’s eyes were cold.

“I know,” I turned away, so he didn’t see my tears.

“You fucking think I don’t know you’re crying. You have no right to cry over this Alexa. It’s YOUR mess.”

That was it, the point where I snapped. Where anger came in to save me from my pain.   

“You know what? I know that Rex Carter. Okay? I fucking know. Jesus! I live with it. My memory isn’t fucking gone. I live with it every day!”

“I’m sure the ones where you are the victim are perfectly intact,” he sneered.

I grabbed a vase off the nearest counter and chucked at the wall, before falling to the floor.

“Fuck you Rex. Just, fuck you.”

Then I cried. I couldn’t stop, even when I heard the loud sound of a door being kicked in. Soon Dana was by my side. I was in such a world of pain I wanted the one person I’d known the longest by my side. Looking back, it was pretty bitchy of me to ask for Sam with Dana right beside me. I prayed Dana would understand. She was just way too sweet. She’d never understand me like Sam could. Dana of course sprung right to action. She grabbed her phone and left the room to call Sam.

“Never thought I’d have to get on the floor and comfort you,” I heard Gunner say from above my head. Even in my emotionally wrecked state that made me smile. Me either. Me fucking either. Jesus. A laugh slipped out of my lips.

“Ya know, I thought no one could top the drama of Sam’s life. Then me and Dana came along. We were nuts. Even with all that, you and Rex take the cake. Geez, Rex Carter causing drama. Never thought I’d see that. I’m not surprised that you’re involved though.

I untucked myself from my ball and laughed. Wow, Gunner could be funny... and nice. Who knew? Gunner extended a hand and helped me to my feet.  I was still quietly laughing to myself when Dana walked in.

“Who are you?” she asked Gunner, sounding like she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Not that I blamed her. How the hell did Gunner calm me down in all of two seconds? The fuck? He’s that annoyingly perfect human who is hot and good at everything.

Despite being somewhat better I was glad Sam was coming. Something had to give. I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing if I wanted to live. I didn’t know what I had to do, but I had to do something. Even if it meant running away.

Sam came a little while later, looking exhausted, but cool and collected as ever. I immediately put my wall back. What if I had to leave them?

Sam came over and sat on the couch next to me.

“I hear you’re causing all sorts of trouble bitch?” God, she always knew what to say.

   “Thanks for coming,” I said softly. She deserved a heartfelt moment from me. She just left her kid and flew across several states to see me.

Sam gave a firm nod, acting like it was no big deal. Honestly, to her it probably wasn’t, because if there is one thing Sam had proven to be countless times, it was loyal to the people she loved. She gave up her whole childhood for her mom, and nearly gave up her life for Dana. She certainly gave up a large part of her sanity for both of them. 

“Anything to pass on Jazmine to somebody else.”
She winked and nudged me playfully. I pretended to smile but was busy looking into her soulful hazel eyes. There was no way I could leave them. Especially her. I wouldn’t survive it. I’d lost Rex. I couldn’t lose the only other person I truly loved.

I had reached a crossroads. All this led us to the moment Sam asked me to open up to her, to all of them, about my past. About Rex and me. About everything. I was done. Done lying. Done arguing. Done denying the truth. If I ever had to leave again at least my friends would know why. I couldn’t make that mistake again. Pytor could take a lot of things, but I wouldn’t let him steal my friends trust in me ever again. No friend of mine would ever feel abandoned by me again if I had a say in it. And that’s my story. That leads us back to now.

I lift my gaze, looking into the eyes of my friends. Nervous as shit. I’m a new person now. Ever changing. A chameleon, but I'm done with the disguises.

I'm not Alexa. They don’t really know me. I see in their faces they realize the same thing. There is a strong chance they won’t like me anymore. That it’ll be too much. I fidget, their eyes momentarily giving away nothing but shock. I feel Rex’s eyes on mine the most intensely. I can tell he is still confused. He held onto a different reality for so long, I can tell this one is difficult for him to accept. His world has just been flipped upside down. Finally, Dana talks, well cries.

“Alexa I can’t believe you have been going through all this alone. I feel horrible. I was complaining about my life. I… “

Her head falls into her hands, as a sob escapes her lips. I look over at Gunner. His eyes are narrowed. He is staring at me with an intensity that sends chills up my spine. I quickly turn to face the ground. I can’t face Sam, not yet. I can’t lose her. I’m so scared I will. What if she’s mad at me for keeping this from her? What if she’s sick of the drama? What if she doesn’t want to get to know me? Without my walls. My barriers.

I hear the sound of someone getting up, and for a moment I really think Sam is leaving. My eyes cloud over as I stare at a speck on the floor. Fuck, I’m so vulnerable right now. I’m gonna lose Sam. I’m gonna lose her.

I feel a presence in front of me. I look up. Sam is right in front of me, crouched down looking up at me with soft eyes.

“Alex.”

She said Alex. My name. She’s accepting me. Really accepting me. I’m gonna cry. Fuck, I’m gonna cry.

“You were the first person I let in. You accepted me blindly and never judged, asked questions or let me down. I get why you never told me. This is weird, and we’ve never had a relationship conducive to that, but we are growing up now and I want that to change. I’m here for you. Hell, the only thing offending me right now is that you actually think I’d walk away. Like I’d leave my #1 bitch.”

I see Dana smiling at Sam, looking at her at like she is her idol. In a lot of ways Sam is. She’s the leader of this pack, the mentor. Guys included. She got her shit figured out and turned into a damn good human being.

God, I love this group. They’re the best of humanity.

“Thank you, Sam.”

Sam smile and nods. She squeezes my knee, then gets up to go take her spot by Logan’s side. There’s a super awkward silence that ensues after Sam finishes speaking. For some reason my gaze flickers back over to Gunner. He’s stiff as a board, like he gets when he’s ready to attack. When he means business. Dana notices too. She is squinting, looking at me curiously through her tear stained eyes. Rex is sitting next to me still. I can hear him breathing deeply, trying to take everything in. I’m just fucking overwhelmed. I can’t take it. I want to tell everyone I need air, I need a moment to breath, but that’d be rude after the moment we just had. I feel the overwhelming pressure in my head. Rex stiffens next to me.

“What do you guys say we get some fresh air?” he asks the group. “This has been a lot to digest.”                    

Rex’s gaze flickers back over to me. He knows I’m overwhelmed. He reads me so easily. Like he has the key to my mind. With the rest of the world I am a rock, rude, cold, but I’m putty in his strong, capable of hands. Soft. Feminine.

The group doesn’t really understand why Rex is asking them to leave but trusts Rex’s word. Sam most of all. Sam gets up, instantly Logan follows. Logan looks really disturbed. Logan’s a very honorable man, like Rex. I can tell it’s hard for him to digest how a man could treat a woman so terribly. Dana follows the three of them to the door. There’s a few mumbled goodbyes, then the soft click of the door closing.

I can finally breathe again when I am alone. I gasp for air like I’d been oxygen deprived for far too long. I can’t remember the last time I took a deep breath, slow, letting all the air fill my lungs. For as long as I can remember it’s been shallow breaths. Just enough to survive. I hear the door click open. My head snaps up. I'm not alone.

The person who enters takes a few steps forward. Gunner. His eyes are dark and narrowed, his posture stiff. Yet he looks calm as can be. Determined, but completely in control.

For some reason I feel uneasy.

“I need everything you know about the Russian,” he says, his eyes carrying an intensity I haven’t seen up close.

He doesn’t have to say his name. He doesn’t have to clarify. I know ‘the Russian’ well.

“No Gunner. I… He’ll kill you. I’d never do that to Dana.”

Gunner’s eyes darken, and he cocks an eyebrow.

“He’ll kill me, huh? You really think that?”

Having seen him with Dana so much it was like I’d almost forgotten the raw power Gunner possessed, something he kept tightly under lock and key around her.

“You’re not a hitman Gunner.”

“Not by trade, no, but I am a man of many talents.”

I cross my arms over my chest. “And what will you tell Dana?”

“The truth.” He says it like it’s the most obvious answer in the world. I’m beginning to question his sanity.

“Dana,” I laugh. “You think Dana will let you go after a powerful Russian mobster who’s killed at least and two… and a half people.”

“First, Dana does let me do anything. I live my life, she lives hers and we trust each other within reason. Trust me, she will definitely understand this. Dana may be all sunshine and lollipops on the outside, but there is power there too, a desire to protect. Second, what do you mean two and a half people?”

“Anna, Mia, Me. Who I could have been.”    

Both his eyebrows raise now in full understanding. “You didn’t even hesitate on that shit.”

I shrug a shoulder. “I’ve known it for a while.”

“Give me the information Alexa.”

It’s not a question. It’s a demand. There’s the promise of vengeance in his eyes, but I don’t understand why it’s there. He notices the question in my eyes.

“I retrieved Mia’s body. I saw his mom’s dead eyes as I dragged her out of the warehouse, knowing she’d never again see her daughters smile. You’re Dana’s friend and the shit he put you through is inhumane, and this is me speaking. It’s not like I have high standards. To take advantage of a young, broke girl is fucking pathetic.” Gunner’s voice is close to a growl. “I won’t take that. I won’t. A real man doesn’t let pussies like him roam around killing and raping women.”

I search Gunner one more time. There’s a twinge of guilt in my chest, but there’s more there than that. Gunner’s given me a gift. That fire I once felt. The thirst for revenge is back in full force. I feel a shift take place in my body. Gunner notices it too. He smirks. Gunner and I have always been two of a kind in a way. We both have a darkness in us that the others don’t have.

“Welcome back,” he says smugly.

I fold my arms over my chest. “You wanna know about Pytor or not? My only conditions, you get the girls he’s holding out and he suffers like Mia and Anna did.”

“Done.”

Then I tell him. Everything.

Every key to unlocking Pytor. To killing him. I even tell him step one.

Find Anatoli and Tobias.    

I thought I was done with them, but I’m not.

“Call me when you find them,” I say as Gunner goes out to tell his girl he’s leaving. He’ll be gone by tonight.

He turns back to me with a fierce gaze. “You have my word.”

… the game is on.

I’ll win this round.