Chapter Twenty-Seven
Xander
“Wow, you look great,” Liam boasted.
I was shocked to see him again. After the way I’d acted, I really didn’t expect that he would return, or at least not so soon.
“What are you doing here?” I gasped.
“Well, that’s a nice fuckin’ welcome back,” he snorted.
I was really glad to see him. It was a lot harder to be alone after Bailey left than I’d expected.
“I’m glad you’re back, brother,” I patted him on the shoulder, offering a quick smile.
“I brought some supplies,” he grinned, slamming the large back pack from his shoulder to the counter.
I watched as he unloaded the pack. My mouth started to water as he pulled out fresh bacon, eggs, bread, lunchmeat, and a new jar of mayonnaise. Being away from town this long was unusual for me, but I just couldn’t bring myself to make the trip, not with Bailey down there.
“Oh, and for dinner,” he pulled out a pack of thick steaks, slapping them down on the counter.
“Hell yeah,” I beamed, still shocked by his kind nature. “I’m sorry I was such a bear,” I admitted.
Liam shook his head as he pulled out a bottle of my grandfather’s whiskey from the bottom of his pack.
“I figured I should replace this,” he chuckled.
My grin widened as I reached for two glasses.
“I’ll make breakfast, you pour us a glass,” I smirked.
I turned on my griddle, thankful that I had electricity once again, and opened the bacon. Liam poured our drinks, pushed a glass towards me, and then raised his in the air for a toast.
“To brothers, to love, and to loving your brothers,” he sloshed.
I tipped my glass to his, took a long swig of the sweet, smoky whiskey, and started slapping slices of bacon on the hot pan.
“How’ve you been?” he questioned.
“It’s been rough,” I confessed.
“Any word from Bailey?” he pushed.
“I called, talked to her dad, but she wasn’t home,” I sighed.
“You called?” His eyes widened.
I knew he was shocked that I made the move. I was shocked that I’d made it.
“You gonna go see her?” Liam asked.
I shrugged.
I picked up a fork and carefully turned the bacon, letting it brown on each side. I moved the pieces of meat around the griddle, wanting more than anything to avoid his conversation.
“Why not?” he urged.
“Her dad said she was happy to be home, and I don’t want to cause her any stress,” I sighed.
“Happy to be home doesn’t mean happy,” Liam pointed out.
I wasn’t sure I saw the difference. She was happy. That was all that mattered. I’d get over the feeling of emptiness, and I’d go back to my life out here on the mountainside. Maybe I’d go back to Molokai or find another cabin on some other mountain.
“I just want to move on,” I exhaled.
I pulled the bacon from the griddle, placing it on a plate lined with paper towels to sop up the grease. It smelled amazing, and I was ready to eat and ready to stop talking about Bailey.
“I met a girl last year,” Liam said softly.
My eyes moved to his, suddenly interested in what he had to say. He never told me about a girl.
“She was amazing,” Liam sighed, his eyes squinting as if he were remembering her as he spoke.
“You never mentioned that,” I smirked at my friend.
“Because I ruined it,” he said sternly, his eyes dark and serious.
I broke the eggs over the griddle, letting the yolk flop to the surface and the whites spread out around them in a not-so-perfect circle.
“Grab a couple plates,” I instructed Liam.
I didn’t want to push for details, but I was curious. He was still in another world, his eyes drifting upward, and his mind obviously preoccupied. My request snapped him out of his trance for a moment, long enough for him to pull two plates down from the top shelf.
I slid the spatula under the eggs one by one and flipped them like an expert line cook. I’d made enough eggs in the military for my SEAL brothers that I knew my way around a spatula.
“You’ll make some woman a good bitch one day,” Tommy used to say.
Damn, I miss that kid.
I slid two eggs on one plate and two on another. I grabbed a few slices of bacon for each, and then pushed one towards Liam.
“Let’s eat outside,” I suggested, grabbing my plate and heading towards the door.
Liam followed me, still off in deep thought about whoever this woman had been.
“So, are you gonna tell me how you ruined it?” I finally asked.
We sat down at the picnic table outside. It needed work, but it was good enough for now. I found a spot on the seat that didn’t have chunks of wood missing from it, and waited for Liam to sit down before expecting a response.
He played with his eggs, sliding the fork tines through the yolk and spreading yellow goo over his plate.
“I didn’t think I was good enough for her,” he admitted.
I bit into the bacon. Holy hell, that’s good. Better than coyote.
“You’re good enough for anyone, brother. The girl should’ve been lucky to have you in her life,” I boasted.
“She thought I was good enough. It was me that had the issue,” he corrected.
I watched him struggle across the table. He was always so confident, so strong, it was odd to see him weak and unsure of himself.
“I wouldn’t open up to her. I didn’t want her to think I was weak or that I was broken, so I never told her about the nightmares. I wouldn’t stay the night with her, and she thought it was because I didn’t want to commit to her, that it was her,” he went on.
“I understand that,” I nodded.
“She confronted me, demanded I explain why I wouldn’t stay, and I froze. I just fuckin froze. I loved this girl, I truly loved her, but I couldn’t let go of my pride to fuckin’ talk to her. I let her walk away, giving her no explanation, and no assurance that it wasn’t her. It was easier for me to let her believe she was the problem, for me to believe she was the problem, than it was to admit I had one and thay I needed help,” he continued.
This wasn’t the type of conversation I was used to having with one of my brothers, with Liam, with anyone. I wasn’t sure how to respond.
“So, where is she now?” I finally asked.
“She’s engaged to be married, happy,” he sighed.
I could see the pain in his eyes and feel the pain in his heart. I wanted to reach out and hug him, to tell him she wasn’t worth it, but it was obvious she had been.
“I started talking to someone after that,” he gulped.
“Talking to someone?” I questioned curiously.
“Yes. A counselor, and it’s really helped,” he admitted.
“Good,” I offered, shoving a large bite of egg into my mouth.
I could feel the direction of the conversation turning from him to me, and I wasn’t in the mood.
“You should try it,” he pushed.
Here we go. Fuck no.
“I’m good,” I chuckled.
“Are ya?” he teased.
I knew I wasn’t, at least not right now, but that would pass, eventually.
“I’m serious, Xander. If you truly want to make things work with Bailey, you need to work this out,” he insisted.
“I’ve already accepted there isn’t anything to work out,” I sighed.
Liam’s eyes narrowed as he stared at me with disbelief. He knew I was full of shit. Hell, I knew I was too. I wouldn’t have called if I thought I could just let her go. All those letters, the dreams, the constant glances of the pictures of her on my phone, it was obvious I was in deep.
“I just want you to know, I’m here to help you, and if you truly want to make this happen, we can make it happen,” he claimed.
He made it all sound so simple. It wasn’t. There wasn’t anything about my life that was simple. Bailey didn’t need that complication in her world.
“You’re willing to just lose her?” Liam questioned.
“Like you said, I may have never had her,” I snorted.
“I was protecting you, but I was wrong. You can’t hide from love, from life, you have to learn to embrace it, live it,” he chanted.
I picked up my empty plate and reached across the table to grab Liam’s. I walked into the cabin, placed the dishes in the sink, and poured another glass of whiskey.
“You want one?” I offered as Liam walked in behind me.
He nodded, extending his glass to the bottle in my hand.
I moved to the couch, leaned against the cushions, and thought about what he was saying. I didn’t want to lose her, but I wasn’t sure if there was anything to salvage. I hated going after something without knowing the outcome. In war, we planned, we strategized, and we had a pretty damn good idea of what would happen in the end. Even when there was a chance for a poor outcome or causality, we planned for it, accepted it. This was like walking onto a mine field blindfolded without any idea of where the bombs were buried.
“What’s this?” Liam asked, picking up the stack of envelopes on the coffee table. He held them in his hand as he sat, shuffling through them, each one addressed to Bailey.
I reached up, snatching the letters from his hand, and shoved them under a book on the table.
“Nothing,” I growled.
“You’ve been writing her. Have you sent anything yet?” he asked.
I shook my head, slowly taking a sip of my whiskey.
“That’s okay. At least you’re dealing with your emotions. But, you really should let her know how you feel, before…” he paused.
Before it’s too late… Did he know something?
“Have you seen her?” I asked.
Liam shook his head.
“You’ve been in town, you haven’t heard anything or spoke to her?” I interrogated.
He let out a chuckle as he leaned back onto the couch cushion.
“Brother, you got it bad,” he snorted.