Avery
Maddi’s little cheeks are red from the cold and her frustrations. Her hair is braided and tucked under her favorite beanie with her light pink helmet secure on the top of her head as she watches me tighten her foot into the binding of her little board.
I tap her boot. “You good?”
Instead of wiggling her foot, her entire body moves and she nods.
She woke up this morning wanting to go snowboarding. She begged me to take her and only after I agreed did she laser me with those baby blue puppy eyes and asked if Raven could come.
What does a mother do?
I buckled.
We drove an hour and a half to EchoLove Mountain and have been at it for so long, Raven gave up and went to the lodge. Maddi loves to snowboard, but by all means, the girl wasn’t blessed with balance. She can’t stay up for shit. She gets overzealous and thinks she should be able to do everything that took me years and thousands of hours to practice to perfect. I started her when she was younger, letting her ride on my board between my legs as I held her. She loved it so much that I had to buy her a board. She loved it at first until it got too hard and then she quit for a while. Then one day out of the blue, she said she wasn’t ready to give up.
At least I can say she’s determined.
She heel slides for a few feet, gaining her confidence before twisting her body over the board and moving with the side of the hill. She refuses to use the learner’s route and has chosen the beginner’s route, which isn’t that much different, just slightly steeper with a few more “bumps.” The hill she’s on isn’t that big, and when she rides it for twenty feet, she acts like she’s tackled the steepest down-hill ride this mountain has to offer.
Unfortunately, she’s only nailed it a couple of times.
I keep it slow, riding beside her. She glances over her shoulder to me with a smile that could guide you through the darkest nights.
“Look where you want to go. Not at me.” I remind her. “Your eyes lead your body.”
She wobbles as she hits a small bump before finding her balance again. Although we’re only going about five miles an hour, by her face, you’d think we’re doing a hundred straight down and it makes my heart smile at her excitement. I remember being right where she’s at, adrenaline and fear leading me to love it and be terrified at the same time. And by the end of the day, I felt I deserved a gold trophy.
Her arms are straight out to her side. Her legs are stiff.
“Loosen up,” I shout.
She hits another bump and falls forward, tucking her arms and hitting her forearms. I slide beside her as she rolls over to her back, pulling her legs to flip her board over. She lets out an overdramatic, overly disappointed sigh and slings her arms out to her side.
“I’m never going to get good at this.”
I lean over her. “You will. It took me a long time too.”
She rolls her eyes. “You always told me lying was bad, Momma.”
“I’m not lying.” I laugh.
“I’ve heard you talk ‘bout it. You did good. You had grandpa help you and he taught you. You said you only fell a few times before you could do things. I’ve falled a bunch of times.”
I titter. “Baby. I fell so many times, I lost count. I broke bones and had bruises all over my body. I hit my head so hard once, grandpa wouldn’t let me board for a week. I also had to have surgeries to fix my broken arm.”
“I want to quit,” her little voice trembles.
“I quit once. I threw my board and totally quit. Granted it was only for ten minutes, but I did.”
She sits up and unsnaps her feet. “I don’t get it, Momma. Why can’t I do it? You’re so good. I should be good.”
“Baby, I practiced every day for hours at a time for a lot of years. You and I only get up here every so often. I’d love to bring you daily if I could.” I unsnap my boots too. “You’re also trying way too hard. If you’d relax and just focus on having fun, I promise you’d get it.”
She tucks her little teal board with snowflakes under her arm and takes a step. The powder is soft, and her foot sinks, causing her to wobble and almost fall. I roll my lips between my teeth to keep from laughing.
She cuts beady mad eyes at me. “It’s not funny. It’s hard and it’s not fair.”
I hate she feels so defeated and angry with herself. I lean forward too far so my board will slip out from under me, and when it does, I don’t brace myself and hit the snow face first. Maddi’s giggle slices through the cold air.
Feigning frustrations, I kick my board off and hit the snow before getting back to my feet and bouncing my finger at her. “I’m blaming you for that. It wouldn’t have happened had you not made the snow gods feel bad for you.”
“Can you tell the snow gods to let me ride a good ride today?”
“They only do favors for cute little girls with determination. I’m not one.”
The sun causes her to squint when she looks up to me. “Can we get some hot chocolate now? I’m cold.”
“Yeah. We need to check on Aunt Rave anyway. I’m sure she has all the guys buying her hot chocolates.”
We start up the slant toward the main building when Maddi says, “She’s going to have an upset tummy if she’s drinking a lot of hot chocolate.”
I pat the top of her helmet. “You’re a smart cookie, little girl.”
“I know,” she shrugs. “It’s because you told me and I didn’t listen and I barfed and didn’t feel good for a long time.”
I cackle. “Lessons are good if you learn from them.”
“I did. One hot chocolate won’t make me barf.”
Maddi is out cold—head resting on the side of the door, mouth wide open with drool pooling at the edges of her lips waiting to spill over. Snow always kicks her ass.
The road winds through the hills until finally straightening back out at the bottom of the mountain. The entire ride, Raven has been telling me about these three guys she met at the lodge today. And they apparently all wanted to take her out. Two of them live close and expressed how they wanted a threesome with my adventurous best friend. She hasn’t told me if she’s going to take them up on their offer, but she has made it clear that she’s not brave enough to try anal.
That’s where she left off. That’s what she’s been pondering for the past twenty minutes. I’m almost positive.
“I tried telling Max about Maddi,” I break into her thoughts.
“So, it’s getting serious?”
“I like him.” The thought twists my lips up. “A lot. But it’s all moving way too fast.”
“Ah. Infatuation at its infamous best. You realize love holds no time restraints?”
She’s lost her mind. “I didn’t say I love him or that I was falling in love with him.”
“You don’t have to. That shit’s written all over your face.”
“Liking him and loving him are two different things. Right now, I’m experiencing the magical rush of all the newness. Besides, there’s no such thing as love after a few great dates.”
She bounces her head from shoulder to shoulder looking out of the windshield. “Depends on who you ask. I don’t believe in love at first sight, but my parents do. Dad said he knew the moment he met mom at the café he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. And Mom said it was the second date when she knew.” She shrugs. “Whatever floats their boats. I’ve never experienced that feeling.”
“I like Max, but I don’t know if my future is with him.”
“Because you won’t allow yourself to open up and feel. When’s the last time you lived for you?”
My brows draw low. “Have you forgotten I have a child to live for? And what’s with Doctor Raven? Where did she come from?”
She offers a crooked smile. “Just because you have a child doesn’t mean your life should stop. Your happiness shouldn’t sit on the sidelines for Maddi. You being happy makes her happy, but you wouldn’t know that because in her entire seven years, Mom’s been single. As for me, I’ve been here watching, listening, and living. I see you, Ave. You’re my best friend and I fear I see you better than you see yourself.”
“Did those guys drug you?”
She barks a giggle. “Clear vision, chickie.”
I sigh. “Had I brought home any of the guys I’ve dated, Maddi would’ve seen the burn marks they left in their wake. I’d rather her see me happy and alone than me witnessing her heartbreak when they leave.”
“You’re not picking from the right barrel. Those guys weren’t right. We all knew it, including you. You just needed to pull your Avery special, get in, ride it, and get out. You weren’t ready for anything serious.”
I arch a brow. “What makes you so sure I am now?”
“If I can see it, you should feel it. Max makes you happy.”
“So does a good margarita, but I’m not off drinking every night.”
“Wanna know what I think?” She twists in her seat to face me.
“I’m pretty sure you’re about to tell me,” I deadpan.
“You’re scared. You’re scared to live your life outside the realms of what you see as parenthood. You’re scared that every guy is another Aaron or the dickheads who have burned you in the years after. I think you’re petrified of being happy because you’ve never truly experienced it since before your parents died and in some weird twisted way, you feel guilty when it’s exactly what they would’ve wanted.”
It sucks the air from my lungs as she rips a corner of my heart open. “That’s deep shit, Raven…”
She exhales, turning back right in her seat. “Life dealt you a shitty hand, Ave. But somewhere in there is a royal flush. You just have to hit it just right. I love you hard and I’ll stand beside anything you choose, but for once, please put in the same determination for your future as you do in your snowboarding and your daughter.”
I drop into silence as I deduce what she said. Nothing but the quiet hum from the wind rushing over the car and the soft strum of music fills the cab of my SUV.
I have been dealt a shitty hand. Just when I thought my life was on the right track with multiple snowboarding competitions, my grades in school good, getting my license, and just living life, my parents were stripped from me. No warnings. No preparations. One day they were there and that following evening they weren’t. That was the worst and most devastating blow I’ve ever been handed.
I tried to move forward, keeping my nose to the grind stone and putting one foot in front of the other. I would’ve been lost if it weren’t for Ryan, Miranda, my mamaw, and Raven. Unfortunately, the pain won and I got swindled by the biggest piece of shit who preyed on vulnerable girls. I came to my senses and overcame it while gaining one of the most precious gifts ever given to me—Maddi. My hand sucked, but my parents taught me to make the best of what you got…and I did, if not for me, but for them.
“I think I’m going to ease into everything,” I say.
Raven lolls her head toward me. “Explain ‘ease’…”
“Well, I’ll tell him I’m a pro-snowboarder and see how he reacts, whether he treats me any differently. That way if he chooses to leave, I’ll have time to adjust and not be forced to ride unfocused. And if he stays, I promise to tell him about Maddi after the Kid’s Bazaar.”
“And if he gets pissed and leaves because you hid your career from him?”
“Then I’ll know he wasn’t man enough to handle me and all of what I come with.”
She gleams sticking her pinky finger out. “Promise?”
Wrapping mine around hers, I kiss my knuckles. “I promise.”
But she doesn’t let go of my pinky. “And promise me, if this starts getting serious, you ride that powder and don’t fight it anymore.”
I swallow. Can I really let my walls down and let someone into my heart? “I promise I’ll try.”
She nods. “I’ll settle on a try.”