Chapter Eight

 

 

Kaiden

The scenery passed in a blur as I tried to shut my mind off of what had transpired back at the house. The residual effects of Emerson’s approach still streamed through my body mercilessly, and I couldn’t shut them off. As a result, I hadn’t been able to look at or speak with Emerson since we’d left town. I didn’t know what was happening or why I was constantly being tossed into this flaming pit of heated and unacceptable emotions. It was easier not to think about it or to pretend they were an illusion.

Whenever I closed my eyes, wishing for sleep on our long journey to Port Raven, his chocolate brown eyes stared back at me. The depths of his control was profound, and tiny threads of it still clung to me even then. Like he had somehow reached out with invisible hands and took hold of the most intimate and private parts of me. Fear trickled under my skin at the prospect that he’d somehow seen how that commanding tone had affected me.

When my cheeks heated at the reminder, I dashed a subtle glance Emerson’s way to see if he noticed as I tried not to squirm. His focus was concentrated on the road ahead. The white-knuckled grip he held on the steering wheel hadn’t lessened in the least. He was pissed at what I’d done.

We’d been on the road over two hours, and the air surrounding us was scratchy and uncomfortable, like a wool sweater on a hot day.

Suffocating.

Memories of the past floated to the surface of my mind, but I did everything I could to refuse them presence. I wanted to open a window and clear them away. However, I knew the ridiculousness of letting in frozen winter air would only shine a glaring beacon on my nerve status, so I left well enough alone and remained perfectly still.

Another half hour into our trip and I couldn’t bear the ominous silence for another moment. One of us had to break the tension. It may as well be me.

I cleared my throat and fingered a few strands of hair from my eyes. “Who did you call?”

Emerson broke from his daze and glanced over with momentary confusion.

“You said you were gonna make calls. Who did you call?” I clarified.

Back at the house, I’d packed a few bags and loaded them in the truck as he’d requested. Then, I’d waited over forty-five minutes for him in the truck while he’d paced by the front window in the living room, talking on the phone.

“Oh,” he studied the road. “I called Mom and my friend Jagger back home.”

When he didn’t go into details, I prompted, “Why? What did you say? Did you tell Mom everything?”

Emerson breathed evenly through his nose many times before answering. The calm in his voice was reassuring, and in turn, helped keep me from freaking out.

“Jagger is my rock. I needed him to calm me down because your actions pissed me the fuck off.” He paused and checked his rear-view mirror. “I didn’t tell Mom. Only told her that I was taking you home with me. She’ll discover it at church, I’m sure. No sense spoiling the gossip.” He shrugged and laughed without humor. “She was just glad she didn’t need to stop at the grocery store for dinner supplies.”

I threw my head back against the headrest and snorted. “She didn’t even give a fuck that her baby was leaving town? Figures.”

“You sound surprised.”

“I’m not.”

How, after twenty-three years, I still had even an ounce of hurt left in me over the way I’d been raised, I had no idea, but the sting was real.

“She’ll find out about all this eventually. You’ll be officially outed. If it helps, she still doesn’t remember I’m gay half the time. Unless something somehow reflects badly on her, it won’t ping on her radar.”

Another stab. I hid my hurt behind a sneer and turned back to watch the landscape pass by. Forcing conversation had been a mistake. If I wasn’t trying to hide from the jaded feelings over my mother’s lack of caring, I was hiding from the frighteningly real emotions Emerson’s actions had summoned. It was easier to do both when I didn’t talk and stared out the window, acting passive and uncaring.

In a matter of minutes, my entire world had been thrown upside down, and I’d done nothing to fight or stop it. Like I was somehow programmed to follow Emerson’s commands without question, I’d packed my room and left all I knew behind.

Remembering the way his voice had deepened and the steady hold his gaze held over my entire being, prickled my blood alive again. There had been nowhere to hide at that moment; nothing I did would have changed the outcome, and he knew it. I was entirely at his mercy.

When my dick responded to the memory of our frantic departure the same way it had earlier, I crammed a hand in my lap and shifted so hopefully Emerson didn’t notice. I shed the reminders as quickly as I could from my mind, shaking free from their hold and tried to regain some semblance of self-control.

Since the intensity of the moment had long passed, nausea stirred in my gut, and my body filled with shame. What kind of disgusting person was I? What the fuck was wrong with me? How could I take pleasure in my brother’s controlling tone?

I squeezed my eyes closed and tried to sleep again.

Rattled awake sometime later, I jolted upright, as the last remnants of a forgotten dream drifted away. A sheen of sweat coated my skin, and I was shaking. I peered to the landscape as I fought to regain composure and oriented myself.

Snow was thicker on the ground than back home. The sky was gray and darkening with the coming nightfall. I blinked a few times and checked the time on the dashboard. Four thirty. I’d slept half the day.

“We’re getting there. Probably be home by seven. I’m going to stop at the next rest station, though. I need to stretch my legs and eat something.”

I nodded and stretched the best I could in the cramped truck. “I’m starving,” I admitted.

In all the commotion of the day, all I’d had was coffee that morning.

Emerson pulled into a rough looking truck stop twenty minutes later. While he filled the gas tank, I ventured into the little diner, found us a seat, and ordered coffees. The only other customers were two flannel-wearing truckers. The one was skinny and clean-shaven, perched on a stool at the front counter while the other was overweight, fully bearded, and sipping his own coffee in a booth as he read a newspaper.

As Emerson made his way over to join me, a waiter, dressed all in black with an apron around his waist, came and delivered a couple of menus.

My disquiet returned once Emerson sat. At least while he drove, I knew he had the excuse of focusing on the road, and I didn’t feel the need to indulge in excessive conversations. With the quiet country tunes playing over the speaker system in the diner, the atmosphere weighed heavy and the pressure to talk increased.

The longer I stared at the laminate tabletop, the more my anger simmered back to life.

“Why did you do this to me?” I finally asked, raising my gaze as he stirred creamer into his coffee.

“Because I refuse to let you self-destruct. You were on a steady decline, and I didn’t like the probability of where you were headed.” He put his spoon down and sipped his coffee before pinning me with a steady glare. “And I do so care about you, Kaiden. Whatever you might think.”

The sentiment hit with enough force, I stared back into my mug and didn’t look up again. The extended silence ate at me, and eventually, I asked, “What am I supposed to do now?”

Emerson stretched out on his side of the booth and yawned. “Same thing I wanted for you back in South Belle. It’s time you pull your life together. I’ll help you find work. You can stay with me as long as you need to. I have a guest room in my condo, and you’re more than welcome to use it. But I will not allow you to mooch off me. I’m not Mom. You’ll help out around the house and do your share. Most importantly, you will stay out of trouble.”

I suppressed an eye roll. As much as I wanted to argue about him treating me like a fucking kid, I didn’t have much of a leg to stand on. I’d never held a job, never lifted a finger around the house, and always been in trouble. I was a loser. A nobody. Maybe when I could shed some of my pissy attitude, I could learn to be grateful that Emerson hadn’t thrown his hands up and walked away.

We ordered hamburgers and fries, and while I would have been satisfied to eat in silence, Emerson wouldn’t shut up. He went through a long list of potential job opportunities in his area, explained the busing system, and even dropped hints about the local college which earned him a sneer. Eventually, somewhere along the lines, I tuned him out. When he realized I wasn’t listening, he finally shut up.

The last part of our journey was still tense. Much of the unwelcomed sensations I’d carried out the door that morning had finally dissipated and had been replaced by a nervousness over my sudden uprooting. With all the anger and confusion I’d felt, I hadn’t given much thought to the actual outcome of Emerson’s rash decision.

I didn’t know Port Raven. Everything familiar and comfortable in my life had been left behind. Even though I barely had any close friends, there was something unsettling about venturing somewhere brand new where the only stable figure was my brother. The same man who’d shattered our relationship four years before. The same man who was causing an uncomfortable disquiet to my once stable system.

I could barely look him in the eyes over the past few days, yet I was moving into his house with the intent of sorting out my life. My gut roiled and turned, sending a new wave of prickling anxiety over my skin.

I didn’t ask for this!

But you didn’t object either, idiot.

 

***

 

It was shortly after seven when Emerson pulled into a well-plowed parking lot beside a long row of condominiums. They were nestled along the edge of a valley which was surrounded and walled off by a range of mountains silhouetted against the night sky in the distance. The view was spectacular. I could only imagine how breathtaking it would be in daylight.

“This is the edge of Port Raven,” Emerson explained as he killed the engine and climbed out of the truck. “More on the outskirts. It’s a less developed and more private area. I was on a waiting list for a year before a condo became available. Love it here.”

I jumped down from the truck and admired the view. There was a lot more snow than back home. The landscape behind the building was white for as far as the eye could see; moonlight reflected off an endless blanket of snow. Bare, snow-covered trees littered the valley.

“Are there ski hills?” I couldn’t keep the enthusiasm from my voice. All my life, I’d dreamed of living near the mountains.

“About an hour from here. Jagger and I head out there a few times every winter. He’s there now with a few other friends for the reading break. We rent these amazing cabins for dirt cheap. It’s a nice getaway.”

“Huh.”

Emerson collected a few bags from the cab and handed them to me while he slung a few more over his shoulder.

Whatever had transpired between us back at the house, many hours before, was gone. The tension in Emerson’s shoulders had relaxed, and he was back to his normal self. It was almost like I’d imagined it. Except, I knew I hadn’t.

He directed me toward one of the front doors a few units down from where we’d parked. The building was new-looking, and the white siding blended with the landscape. The front walks had all been cleared, and each unit had a salted path leading to their front doors. Emerson’s unit had two evergreen bushes under the big front window with a foot of snow on their tops.

 Once he’d unlocked the door, he ushered me in first. I didn’t go far and froze just past the entrance when Emerson hit the light switch. His condo was immaculate; bright, clean, spacious, and organized.

A few steps led up from the front entrance into a large living room. Cream-colored carpet spanned the area. The wall-unit and end tables were black and polished. The couch and chair were shiny black leather. Framed black and white landscape paintings hung on the walls, and nestled in random places around the room were a variety of ferns and other potted plants.

Growing up with Emerson had given me no indication of what kind of man he’d be living on his own. My mind had pictured something far different than the structured and well-organized room before me.

“Shoes off please,” Emerson said as he kicked his onto a mat I hadn’t noticed and moved past me into the living room. “Grab your bags, and I’ll show you the guest room.”

His back was turned, and he walked away before I could object or comment. I flung my shoes beside his and hoisted the few bags I’d carried in with me over my shoulder as I scurried after him.

Off the living room was a hallway, lined with more paintings, and three doorways. A washroom, whose door stood open at the far end, and two bedrooms on either side. Emerson disappeared into the one on the right, and I followed.

It wasn’t a huge room, but it was better than the one I’d left behind in South Belle. The bed was queen-sized, and it was overfilled with a ridiculous amount of pillows. A navy and red striped comforter laid perfectly across its surface. There were two dressers and a huge walk-in closet. The curtains over the window were pulled back, and the view overlooked a small backyard and the valley beyond. It may have been dark, but the moonlight gave plenty of depth and definition to the world outside.

I approached and admired the view in awe.

“Will this be okay?”

I glanced at Emerson over my shoulder. He squinted and studied me, his brows drawing together in a way that made him look too serious. I hated how much older and more responsible he’d become. It made me feel young and stupid. We weren’t that far apart in age, but with my reckless choices pegging me as a child, we were worlds apart.

“Yeah, this is great.” I focused back out the window and noticed a small deck off to the side. “Is that your deck?”

“Yeah. Off the kitchen. I love working out there in the spring and summer. The quiet and the view are relaxing.”

“I bet.”

I squirmed but didn’t want to meet Emerson’s gaze again, so I kept studying the world outside the window, waiting him out.

Eventually, he breathed in an audible breath and cleared his throat. “I’m going to grab the rest of the stuff from the truck. Make yourself at home. The bathroom is at the end of the hall. Are you hungry?”

I shrugged, ignoring the growling response in my stomach. I wasn’t sure I wanted to spend another awkward meal with Emerson just yet.

“I might order a pizza. I need to eat, and there isn’t much in the house since I cleared out before I left. I’ll grab some groceries tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” I mumbled, still not turning around.

A few minutes later, I heard him leave. I waited until the front door closed before exploring my new living space.

“This is fucked up.”

How had I allowed myself to get dragged eight hours north to a new city? With my brother of all people.

I left the window and circled the room, peering into the large closet and eventually landing my ass on the bed. I was surrounded by an unfamiliar world, and I hated that Emerson was the only solid thing in my life. A brother who’d burned bridges with me ages ago. Was he trying to make amends? What was his true purpose in bringing me here?

Even though we’d become amicable over the past few days, there was something unsettling about being in his home, miles from my old life. Had he really brought me here to straighten me out?

When I heard the front door again, followed by shuffling in another part of the condo, I begrudgingly rose and went to find him. I was hungry, and I needed to find some element of forgiveness for our past, or else our new living arrangement would never work.

I found Emerson in the kitchen, rifling through a drawer. A few more of my belongings sat at the entrance to the hallway, waiting to be taken down to my new room. He glanced up when I entered and slid a pizzeria menu across the counter toward me.

“Requests?” he asked.

“No pineapple,” I mumbled as I snagged the small pamphlet and glazed over the options.

“Obviously. I’m not Mom, I know your allergies.”

“Meat lovers?” I asked, sliding it back.

“Sounds good.”

Emerson pulled out his phone and hopped up to sit on the counter as he called in our order. While he was busy, I took a minute to survey his kitchen. Like the living room, it was spacious and bright. White and black checkered ceramic tiles, white wooden cabinets, granite countertops, and stainless-steel appliances. There was a huge sliding door leading out to the deck which I’d seen earlier. The vertical blinds were pushed aside, and the snowy backyard was lit up by the back porch light.

When Emerson hung up, I shifted and noted his small kitchen table with highbacked chairs. He must have sensed my unease and indicated to a seat.

“Food will be twenty minutes. We don’t need to discuss the future right now. Just relax, try to get comfortable here, and we can deal with it another day. I’m off work until Monday, so we have time.”

I half-smiled as I traced a finger over the table’s wooden surface, searching for something to say.

“So, do you have any good hills for boarding around here? Closer than your ski hills I mean.”

Emerson joined me at the table and crossed his arms over his broad chest. “Yup, we do. About three blocks from here there are some decent runs that are open to the public. Also, there is a monitored section with proper lifts and such at the base of the mountain not too far away. They charge a day fee and run boarding classes all winter. It’s tobogganing and boarding only. They don’t allow skiers there. The skiers have to travel the hour into Ergos for that.”

Hearing there was a proper boarding hill perked me up, and I sat straighter as Emerson explained. He smiled at my obvious glee.

“See, I told you you’d like it here. Our winters last longer, too. You’ll see snow until May easily before we start losing it.”

“That’s amazing.”

Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as I originally thought. If I could find work and put some space between Emerson and me, then I might enjoy Port Raven.

 

* * *

 

I slept for shit, despite the bed being overly comfortable. In a strange new environment, with an uncertain future ahead of me, I couldn’t turn my brain off. The sounds around me were strange, and I lay on my back half the night thinking things I probably never would in the daytime. Thoughts that held me in their clutches long into the night.

Disturbing thoughts.

Ones I should never explore or even consider.

As the sun crested the horizon, I hopped out of bed, dressed, and slinked down the hall to Emerson’s kitchen. His bedroom door was closed partway, and a quick peek told me he was still fast asleep.

I rooted through his cupboards and pantry and came up with a box of granola bars. I pocketed one and ate the second as I searched his fridge for a drink. There was no milk or juice, so I settled for a glass of water.

Without knowledge of Emerson’s plans for the day, I left him a note on the kitchen table to let him know I was heading out for a walk. I wanted to get a layout of the land and familiarize myself with my new town. Mostly, I wanted to turn my head off for a few minutes.

As a last-minute thought, I threw on my ski pants and grabbed my snowboard. Maybe I’d find those hills he’d talked about the night before. I had a couple of bucks in my wallet left over from something. It couldn’t be that expensive for a day pass on toboggan hills, could it?

The streets were quiet, and the air was crisp and cold. Exactly how I liked it. Evergreens dotted the horizon, their branches heavy and weighed down by snow. I followed Emerson’s road in the direction he’d indicated which ran along the outskirts of town. That little part of Port Raven was serene and breathtakingly beautiful. Light flurries fell, and I lifted my face to the soft flakes as they hit my warm cheeks and melted. There was something peaceful in the air. Something I didn’t feel back home. I hated to admit I kind of liked it so far.

Houses lined one side of the road. They were uniform and similar in design. Two story brick buildings with large windows and attached garages. They looked new and expensive. The other side of the road was strictly trees which stretched out for a quarter of a mile or so toward the base of the mountains.

Not long into my journey, I came across a well-maintained path jutting off the road. It headed toward what appeared to be a huge, snow-packed hill in the not so far distance. There was a sign beside it that indicated “Slippery Slopes ahead” and the day-pass fee of three dollars a person.

I squinted into the distance and noticed a few random people scattered about. Without a second thought, I headed down the path toward the hills. It was early in the morning, and the prospect of a full day of boarding ahead of me was enough to make me smile.

Although I’d thought it odd to charge a fee to use a hill, when I got to the entrance, I realized they’d equipped it with a small lift system to help get people to the top. It wasn’t anything like a ski lift. It was much simpler with handles a person could hold onto while riding their toboggan up to the launch point. The fee was probably used to help them maintain such an extravagance.

I’d climbed hills my entire life without that luxury and laughed when I first set eyes on it. To me, it was a lazy man's way up.

I glanced at the launch point a few hundred feet up and shrugged. It was much higher than I was used to back home, but I could scale the hill without help.

I paid the menial fee and made my way toward the lift so I could at least climb beside it and be out of the way of other riders. The exercise was nothing, and the anticipation of having the wind against my face and the adrenaline pumping through my veins made me climb faster. Snowboarding was the only element of my life that brought me unquestionable joy.

Once I’d scaled to the launch point, I took a moment to survey the view. There weren’t many people around with the early hour, and it was nice. Congestion on the hills could be annoying. After a few minutes, I studied the slope itself, determining the best route to the bottom. There didn’t seem to be any major ramps or jumps from what I could tell, and it was disappointing. I loved showing off my skills and practicing my tricks. It’d been a month, and I was long overdue for the thrill.

Once I was decided, I strapped myself onto my board, lowered my goggles, and took off. All the stress and uncertainty that had been building up over the past week whizzed away as I soared down the hill. Even without the convenience of jumps, I launched into the air a few times and did basic spins I’d been doing since I was just a kid. The wind in my hair, the cold on my face, and the smell of the snow gave me life.

The hill was significantly bigger than the ones where I’d grown up, and the thrill lasted that little bit longer. Once at the bottom, I immediately made my way back to the top. Over and over again. I wasted away the morning on the hills and only paused at the top a few hours later when the congestion insisted I wait my turn. My lungs burned pleasantly from my multiple climbs. It didn’t bother me in the least. My spirits were high, and for the first time in forever, I was soaring free of troubles.

“You’re amazing. How long have you been boarding?”

I jerked my head toward the voice and pulled off my hat to let my head breathe a moment. The guy who’d spoken didn’t look much younger than me and wore a black and deep-blue ski suit. His goggles were drawn up and sat on the top of his head. Mine hung around my neck. Bits of wavy blond hair poked out from under his dark knitted tuque, and his cheeks were flush from the cold.

“Since I could walk, basically. My brother says I was born with a board attached to my feet.”

His green eyes studied me with a smile before he offered out a glove-covered hand to shake. “Name’s Cooper.”

I accepted his hand. “Kaiden. But I go by Kai mostly.”

“I haven’t seen you around before.”

I shrugged and turned my attention back to the busy hills. “Just moved here.” I guessed that was the right answer. My brain hadn’t quite digested that information, but it was the truth. I was Port Raven’s newest resident.

“You come for work or something?”

I gave my head one last scratch and replaced my tuque as I turn back to the man. “No. Other reasons. If my brother knew I was wasting time on the hill instead of job hunting, he’d probably be pissed.”

Cooper chuckled and smacked my shoulder. “I’m on your side. The hills call to us. So, that’s some solid skill you have. Can you do anything more than those small jumps?”

I almost laughed. If he thought that was skill, he hadn’t seen anything yet. “If I had proper ramps for launching, I could do way more.”

He studied me a moment, and I wondered if he didn’t believe me. Before I could say more, he turned and waved for me to follow.

“Come on.”

I dashed one last look at the hill and shrugged. Fuck it, why not. I followed Cooper as he walked to the far end of the launch area. I hadn’t gone that far over but assumed it was the same all the way across.

When we’d gone a fair distance, the mountainside curved and there was an orange strip of barrier tape blocking off a section and a sign marking it as a “restricted area.” Cooper ducked under the tape and held it up for me to follow.

I hesitated and peered over my shoulder from where we’d come. The last thing I needed to do was get myself in shit on my first day in town. Emerson would kill me.

“Are we supposed to be over here?”

“I work here. It’s cool. Come on.”

I considered his honesty, shrugged, and followed him beyond the barrier and farther along the edge of the slopes. We moved into a thickly treed area until we came to another open section that was cleared all the way to the bottom for riding. Only, this stretch of the hillside was bursting with proper ramps and bars, mounted in place for boarders. Cooper stopped and nodded toward the bottom.

“How about this. Jumps, bars, you name it. Big and small. Show me what you’ve got.”

I admired the setup and swooned, wanting nothing more than to experience the ride down. But this was clearly a marked-off section, and no one else was around.

“Seriously?” I glanced back toward where we’d been. “Are you sure it’s okay to be here? The last thing I want is to be banned. I didn’t want to move here to begin with, and this might be the only thing making me happy right now.”

“I swear, it’s fine. Come on, I’ll follow. I wanna see that skill in action.”

The idea of a more thrilling ride called to me on an innate level. My blood tingled at the prospect of something more challenging than the slopes we’d left behind.

“All right.” I winked at Cooper and gave him a sly smile. “Keep up if you can.”

I hooked my boots onto my board and adjusted my goggles in place as I planned my descent in my mind. With a final glance at Cooper, who was also preparing himself, I shot off down the hill.

It was unfamiliar, so I missed a few of the more promising jumps, but I caught some decent air and showed off to my maximum capability. Every spin was exact, and each landing was clean. I took the bar at an awkward angle and didn’t manage to ride it through, but it didn’t matter, I was soaring. By the time I reached the bottom and came to a full stop, I glanced behind me to watch Cooper finish his own descent. He was good, and I nodded approval as he came to a stop next to me.

He laughed and pulled off his goggles and hat before shaking himself. “Damn, man, you are brutal. That was phenomenal!”

I grinned at the compliment as I unclicked my boots from their hold. “Thanks. It’s my favorite pastime. I hate summer.”

Cooper freed his own feet and looked sideways at me with a smirk. “So, can you teach that shit?”

“What do you mean?”

“Have you ever taught anyone to board? Can you teach those basic jumps you were doing earlier on the easy hill?”

I shrugged. “Sure. I’ve taught a lot of friends in the past. Why?”

Cooper looked contemplative for a moment as he studied me. “Last week, one of our instructors blew a knee on the hill. Nigel, the boss, has been trying to replace him, but it’s impossible to find anyone this late in the season. It’s made for a lot of juggling with the rest of us instructors. We run classes three nights a week and twice on weekends. If you can teach that,” he motioned over his shoulder to the hill we’d just conquered, “I bet he’d take you on if you were interested. You said you needed work.”

I flinched as he spoke. Did he seriously just offer me a job?

“Are you kidding?” The idea of having a job where I taught what I loved seemed surreal.

“Not at all. I think Nigel’s in the main building right now. If you have a minute, I’ll introduce you and vouch for what I just witnessed.”

I unzipped my coat pocket and pulled out my phone. It was almost noon, and I had three missed texts from Emerson. He was clearly perturbed that I’d up and left, but he could chill out. I’d be home when I got there. He wasn’t my mother.

“Yeah, I got time. That’s awesome. Think we can ride more after?”

“Fuck, yeah.”

Cooper indicated for me to follow after him, and we made our way toward the building near where I’d first paid my entrance fee. I was walking on air. Not only had I found the most perfect place to spend my free time, but I had quite possibly made a job of it.